topic From nothing to a major depression relapse in three days. in Depression

From nothing to a major depression relapse in three days.

Berrelam — Fri, 13 Jan 2017 03:54:18 GMT

I should probably preface this by saying that late November I lost my best friend to a new relationship with a partner that seems possessive, and stop there, because my open opinions on her would get this post blocked.

Feel free to call me Bel or Sam. They/them pronouns are fine.

Three days ago is when it started. Out of the blue, I was listening to a song that reminded me of the events, and I brushed it off as a coincidence. It still felt kind of bad to have the thought/memory of losing a friend of seven years, but I figured, if he's happy, it's worth it. I'd assume he's happy, because he hasn't contacted me about him breaking it off with her.

Yesterday wasn't as good. I could feel my mood slipping, slowly but surely. Like holding onto a weight that's just a little too heavy. I was reading through Tearjerker tropes (it's a hobby) and thinking that I could relate to people's experiences in video games (which is/was my main escape). The voice in your head that's the harsh truth -- can be helpful, can be hurtful -- bluntly made me remember that no, I can't. It's a long, long story. I ended that night in a depressive low I haven't been in for almost five years, then drinking myself back to happiness. Bed at 3:45 am.

Then I woke up this morning. I didn't want to get out of bed. I slept another three hours, woke up, couldn't get back to sleep, stayed for half an hour before moving to Google to find anything that might help. I figured I may as well make an account here, so here I am, pouring out my feelings (or lack of) in the hope anyone can help.

I don't want to eat, I don't want to drink. Saying I don't want to do anything is probably frustrating to hear, but it's true. I haven't been to a psych in thirteen years, haven't been on meds for ten. I don't want to start either again.

I don't know where I'm going or what I'm looking for, in this post or in general. I honestly don't know if there's anything to do or any place to go.

From nothing to a major depression relapse in three days.

Je55ica — Fri, 13 Jan 2017 04:49:17 GMT

Hi Sam,

Just wanted to reach out to say Hi. I've been quite low over the past year for various different reasons all too much to even put down, plus I tend to bottle up but seem fine on the outside. I think sometimes all I wanted was to feel like someone, anyone for a short amount of time was thinking about me. So here I am for what it's worth doing that for you. I'm thinking of you and I hope that helps if even in the smallest of ways, but I truly am and wish you all the best.

Support always,

Jess

From nothing to a major depression relapse in three days.

james1 — Fri, 13 Jan 2017 05:26:16 GMT

Hi bel,

Losing friends is always hard, especially given the circumstances and how long you were friends for. But really we can only control our own actions and it sounds like your friend has made his choice for the moment.

Perhaps it might help if you explained what it is which is dragging your mood down. It is likely a combination of lots of things, but I am unsure whether it is the strong friendship you had, or perhaps a sense of loneliness, or just loss in general?

A visit to the GP or a counsellor to explain what is happening would not go astray. Or you could also try giving the BeyondBlue support line a call on 1300 22 4636.

There are many people who would love to help you through this. Many places to go, and many very supportive people. You've already done a great thing by coming here, so please feel welcome to post a reply if you feel comfortable.

Hi Jess,

Welcome to you too and thank you for posting on Bel's thread here. That's wonderful of you even though you are feeling very low as well. You mention you bottle things up...can I suggest you see if you feel ready to start your own thread with your story so others can lend you some support?

Please don't feel pressured to though. It is nice to see you on the forums here regardless.

All the best

James

From nothing to a major depression relapse in three days.

Berrelam — Fri, 13 Jan 2017 08:17:04 GMT

Thanks, Jess. I hope things improve for you soon, and if you want, I can lend an ear.

James, it's... a long story. Losing him was the breaking point, I guess, for years of events. I've been single since 2014, and lost my best friends at various points through 2015 and 2016, as well as getting into, and subsequently cutting off, various toxic relationships. He was my last true friend, so losing him... well, I'm sure you can imagine.

Between BPD and anxiety, making new friends is pretty hard, even online. As for loneliness, it's the only thing I'd actually classify as a fear. I'm honestly deathly afraid of being alone. At the same time, though, it's hard for me to open up to anyone, even psychs sworn to secrecy, because I have a constant feeling I'm being judged.

From nothing to a major depression relapse in three days.

james1 — Fri, 13 Jan 2017 10:41:28 GMT

Hi Bel,

Ah...that sounds like it was hard to even write here what's been troubling you. I have BPD as well so I can relate to your deathly fear of being alone. My depression is almost purely linked to my fear of being alone and left alone. So to have your friends fall away over the years, possibly (and I hope I am not drawing too many conclusions here, but it seems to be a common thing for people suffering from BPD) in a way pushed away purposely or accidentally, sounds really hard for you.

Do you still have psychologists that you see regularly? I am just about to start again for the year. My previous psych who I'm yet to actually tell that I've decided not to continue with was working on schema therapy with me. Have you done any specific therapy designed to help you cope with rejection and to mitigate some of these fears?

One of the things I've found is that when my previous relationship broke down, and I reevaluated my circle and noticed it had shrunk massively, I started desperately trying to cling onto existing ones which was getting a bit scary for people. I'd like to think that with therapy again, I can learn to be alone but not lonely.

Thanks for replying. I always breath a sigh of relief knowing that I'm not the only one! I hope you feel comfortable replying, but please don't feel pressured to say any more than you are comfortable with. I just wanted to reassure you that no one is judging you here, and I certainly won't.

James

From nothing to a major depression relapse in three days.

Berrelam — Fri, 13 Jan 2017 16:22:24 GMT

I will admit, I did manage to push a few away, much as I didn't mean or want to. I haven't seen a psychologist since I was 11 or 12, which was for completely unrelated family issues. After he left (I think me moved to a different part of the country...?), I tried to continue with his replacement, but I didn't feel the same around her as I did him, which became a recurring theme every time I tried to open up to another, and eventually I just stopped trying.

I'm going to learn to drive sometime later this year, really just so I can drive myself to places I need to be, and hopefully find help, even if it's a few hours drive every week.

From nothing to a major depression relapse in three days.

james1 — Mon, 16 Jan 2017 00:23:49 GMT

Hi Bel,

I'm sorry to hear about how your more recent attempts to speak to a psychologist have turned out. It is very hard and I have also changed psychologists recently, and still not sure if I'm comfortable with the current one. It is so hard to find someone you feel comfortable with.

That said, I really suggest you consider giving new psychologists a go again. There are success stories online of people with BPD who have found psychologists who suited them. Often we can think that we're doing okay without one when life is going okay. However, as you've noticed, things can change in an instant and much of this is due to unresolved issues.

It sounds like you're quite far away and hence needing to drive. Is that a big factor in not being able to find a good psychologist for you at the moment?

James

From nothing to a major depression relapse in three days.

Berrelam — Mon, 16 Jan 2017 16:30:25 GMT

I'd say it's a pretty big factor, yeah. Being in a tourist town, we have a few, but I feel like they'd be more suited towards... more regular things. Depression, anxiety, stuff like that.

Kind of off-topic, not sure which part of me is causing it, but conflicting thoughts have made an ugly return. They're honestly one of the biggest reasons I closed myself off in the first place. I do something only to regret it minutes later. I commit to doing something, then abandon it or forget about it...

There... was an incident, I was going to spoiler it, but I don't know if these forums allow it -- basically someone went to an extreme to cut everyone out of their life, myself included, only to return over a year later and apologise for it. It's come back into my thoughts because I can't help but feel like I was the cause, at least in part, and now it's happened again with my recent friend departure. That they used a new relationship and my paranoia as a convenient exit.

I don't know if it's true, I don't want to believe it is, but it's eating me up inside and makingme feel sick.

From nothing to a major depression relapse in three days.

james1 — Mon, 16 Jan 2017 22:51:57 GMT

Ah yeah, I know what you mean by having psychologists be more suited to regular things. It is tricky with BPD because it's so ingrained in who we are and isn't an episode, though certainly depression and anxiety rear their heads in episodes because of BPD triggers. Definitely a matter of needing to find someone who understands and knows about BPD.

I can also relate to what you say by doing something then regretting it minutes later. I am very impulsive and I do and say things without necessarily thinking. I also overthink things (which sounds like a contradiction...) afterwards and tear myself up about what I've just done. I think a lot of it has to do with trying to stop yourself from acting without thinking in the first place, then afterwards, reminding yourself why you did do it. And if it really was impulsive, just trying to be okay with that. It's easier said than done, but letting go of mistakes and just learning from them is so important I think.

That's not a good story about your friends. I'm sorry to hear about it. Is there anything in particular that makes you feel like you could be the cause? There could be many reasons unrelated to you and the person may just never have said the true reason because they wanted to keep that private.

James

From nothing to a major depression relapse in three days.

Berrelam — Wed, 18 Jan 2017 05:32:19 GMT

I don't really wanna be blunt and say something like 'well, it's the illness and instability, it'd drive anyone out eventually' but... that's what it feels like. Even if I do mean well, I guess I have a tendency to be a bit overbearing at times. The mood swings speak for themselves. Even so, they were a source of encouragement and stability. Even getting used to it, if they found someone more... I don't think stable is the word I'm looking for, or normal. Just a personality and mind that clicks easier?

It's hard to tell unlucky coincidence from cause. It all happened around the time I was struggling with work and making huge changes. Reading my last post with a more stable and caffeinated mind, I'm pretty sure the first time wasn't my fault. It was too out of the blue. It's still hard to tell if this time was, though.

Back to BPD, the only qualified therapists/psychs/mental hospitals -- last might seem a bit extreme, but I've heard they're a lot safer and faster -- are around a 3 hour drive, not taking into account traffic. I'd be okay with a bus to train, staying in a hotel for a night (or two) then coming back, if I had the funds to. My family is understandably less than willing to drive that far, and then back again, for something they think is only depression. I'll be attempting to get my license later this year, really only for a form of ID and to be able to drive to things such as appointments.

Scrolling up I realised I already talked about driving. Whoops.

Something else I'm having issues with, and I'd possibly go so far as to call it the worst issue; the internet has no advice for dealing with letting out emotions healthily. The only advice is seeing a professional. Partially because of that, partially out of curiosity, I'm going to start documenting what I eat, how I feel throughout the days, see if there's some kind of recurring theme to my worse mood swings and eventual meltdowns. If you have any advice, though, I'm all ears.

From nothing to a major depression relapse in three days.

james1 — Wed, 18 Jan 2017 06:36:30 GMT

Yeah I wonder sometimes whether I'll ever find anyone who can tolerate my oddities. Overbearing is certainly something that comes to mind for me as well. But maybe the better question for ourselves is: can we accept it ourselves? I know I isolate myself because I'm afraid people will react certain ways. I know I change my behaviour because people will react certain ways. But perhaps that's the problem: some people will always reject me, but if I can just be me and be confident being me...surely that's the goal. Maybe? I don't know. I think to place the blame on yourself is quite harsh on you, so it's nice to hear you're rethinking the first friend.

Oh damn that's far. Yeah, sorry...I don't really have anything to say on that.

Well I was working on something called schema therapy. And the idea is to try and understand your behaviours as not coming from who you are, but from unmet emotional needs as a child. For example, my parents were always absent and busy without any care for my thoughts and feelings. So I learnt that my thoughts and feelings were not valid, not worth voicing, and not even worth thinking about. So I sit on them and emotions build up which I try to ignore.

I think a diary is a good start. It's probably going to be uncomfortable and when I did it, I noticed I wasn't even dealing with my actual emotions. I wasn't letting them come out properly. I could talk about being sad but not feel sad. If you find yourself doing the same, it's okay. It just means your brain is scared and you don't feel safe. But perhaps with practice, you'll find the diary a safe place - just as a psychologist is meant to be a safe place - and the emotions will be able flow through properly.

How do you feel at the moment? It sounds like you're not necessarily excited by anything, but it's hard to tell through words on a screen.

James

From nothing to a major depression relapse in three days.

Berrelam — Sun, 22 Jan 2017 17:33:52 GMT

I should probably wait until a better day/night to reply, but I'm here now, so. Honestly, I don't get excited about... anything I 'should'. I think the most recent thing was the release date of the Nintendo Switch. Before that... seeing Zootopia in cinemas? I could put it down to unfulfilled promises throughout my life, but I can't say for sure.

I've been keeping a mood diary, of sorts, to try and figure out if anything triggers anything. I've found a pretty glaring problem in that one of my only friends is the reason for any motivation I can build up to draw is crushed almost instantly, whether he means to or not. That aside, nothing's concrete yet. I feel I should write more, but honestly, I have nothing on my mind.

From nothing to a major depression relapse in three days.

james1 — Mon, 23 Jan 2017 02:11:41 GMT

It sounds like you're feeling pretty numb? I find it interesting that you use the word should. My psychologist says I use it a lot more than others do and it's quite self deprecating.

Have you been keeping it up each day? It's something that maybe you can show your psychologist as well. I gave up pretty quickly to be honest.

So how do you know your friend? Most of my friend, and I can count them on two hands, are from all over the place. Primary school, uni, dancing.

Are you going yo buy the new Nintendo? Hopefully they go back to getting good games because that's where they've really struggled recently. I've got an xbox.

From nothing to a major depression relapse in three days.

Berrelam — Wed, 25 Jan 2017 18:44:18 GMT

Numb would be a good word to describe it, yeah. I also feel like a lot of my 'should' comes from wanting to maintain some semblance of normality. As for the journal, last entry was... 11 days ago. I don't really feel like there's enough going on to write about on a daily basis.

The friend, as with... almost everyone I've known, I met online some six or seven years ago. Mental issues aside, my hobbies are less than relatable -- I'm an artist, but the content I draw is divisive, and since I'm not into sports or anything, it makes it harder to find like-minded people in reality. I'm big on gaming, but single-player games, or couch co-op. The worst part is, I was a social kid, but after moving house half a dozen times, it was tiring to meet people again.

As for the Switch, I have it on pre-order, looks like there's going to be heaps of great games coming to it.

Something that came to mind while writing this, couldn't figure out where to put it in -- it seems like the friend with a new girl has made the choice to remove me from where we used to talk, which rather than upset me, has actually made me feel better. Actually having an end, rather than leaving it open, is a huge weight off my shoulders.

As for a psych, because I'm continually thinking about it -- once Summer's over, I'll look into bus services and the like, see if anything can be arranged. The more I think about it, the more I feel like getting some past demons exorcised would do me good. If I can find an art therapist, even better.

From nothing to a major depression relapse in three days.

james1 — Sun, 29 Jan 2017 13:43:23 GMT

Ah yeah I hate it when days go by and you kind of wake up to the fact that it feels like you've done nothing and felt nothing. I ended up just writing better worse or same after a while.

When you mention normality, what does that mean to you? I said that to my psychologist once and she asked me the same thing. All I could muster was not whatever I'm apparently doing wrong to make me unable to cope.

It's fine to not have a big group of friends I think. And having unique hobbies is interesting even if it doesn't earn you heaps of friends. I just think it's important to do what you like. But similarly being isolated is not fun either. What do you find tiring about meeting people?

Yeah it sounds like that friendship may have reached the end as many good things do. It's nice to hear that you seem to have come to accept it more.

I don't know much about art therapy. What about it do you feel like would help most? I like drawing but I always find it stressful haha. I think I'm too much of a perfectionist.

James

From nothing to a major depression relapse in three days.

Berrelam — Thu, 02 Feb 2017 16:42:24 GMT

Normality... I guess... would be settling down, getting a job, all that. Not forgetting things, or having intrusive thoughts. Basically not suffering from a mental illness.

After typing that, and thinking about it, I've started to realise how skewed my childhood was.

Meeting people, and this might sound douchey, tires me out because I honestly can't be bothered making small talk. Listening to them about their job, or kids, or car, or... there's nothing I can relate to. If the topic of dogs comes up, I can go on for an hour or so, but that aside, nothing.

The only pro I can think of about art therapy is that I draw constantly, so I'd possibly feel more at home?

I'm making a lot of assumptions, I know, but... I mean, it's called art therapy.

From nothing to a major depression relapse in three days.

james1 — Mon, 06 Feb 2017 04:26:19 GMT

What do you mean by skewed? Just...abnormal in terms of your family situation? It's strange how sometimes we just go along with things without realising that our situation might be quite a bit different to others!

Oh that makes total sense. If you have to pretend to be interested, it's no wonder it tires you out. Have you tried meeting more artsy type people then? It sounds like you'd have a bit more in common to talk about with them. Or even just other creative arts type hobbies.

I joined a writing Meet Up group before and it was nice to meet people, though I did find it stressful once I started to get bored of writing again. It's a bit frustrating having my interests change constantly!

From nothing to a major depression relapse in three days.

Gazzas — Mon, 06 Feb 2017 04:55:31 GMT

Hi Bel,

Sorry to hear what you're going through. It doesn't sound like your fault. I diagnosed myself with BPD recently, and I'm also an art person. I like to draw and do 3D modeling. It seems like being artistic has something to do with the BPD.

I get really impatient with small talk as well. Being around people stresses me out like crazy. I know and hate the constant second guessing myself, extreme mood changes. I have been alone for a long time now. I mean at work you are around people but still feel alone. When I was younger I spent more time with people but it was always so painful and I ended up isolating myself, but I now realise being isolated leads to terrible depression. I am looking for a BPD support group but can't find one yet specifically for that.

Hey sorry if I am making you feel worse. I am making myself feel worse. Is therapy helping you james? Do you think this problem can be fixed?

From nothing to a major depression relapse in three days.

Gazzas — Mon, 06 Feb 2017 05:02:25 GMT

Hey I also want to say I think those with BPD are an easy target for nasty manipulative people (NPD). I have experienced a lot of this including in my own family. I have only recently discovered the extent of all of that and it makes me sick to my stomach to think about. I feel sick right now just bringing it up. I had to stop reading about it because it drove me so low. I just wanted to say that people like us need to be very careful of who we let in to our lives I think.

From nothing to a major depression relapse in three days.

james1 — Mon, 06 Feb 2017 12:47:27 GMT

Hey Gazzas,

I haven't found a BPD support group either which is frustrating, but I suppose that's how it goes.

Have you tried therapy before?

A previous psychologist tried to use Schema Therapy and DBT with me. We changed to DBT because I had a little bit of a crisis. I found schema therapy helpful because it helped me understand how I was acting in response to situations in a more...intellectual way I guess. But it didn't make it any easier. Still, I suppose the understanding was useful in helping me not hate myself too much.

The trouble I found was that I didn't really trust my psychologist not to accept me so I kept lying and eventually just left after Christmas.

The new psychologist is mostly going through my daily stuff that I'm struggling with. I don't really think it will help, but I don't know yet.

I guess I'd always recommend seeing someone and seeing what works for you. I mean, at the end of the day, the only certainty is we kind of suck at living like normal people haha. So if we don't get help, it's going to be pretty damn hard to figure it out alone. But I do think that people must eventually get to some level where they can function reasonably well. Perhaps my expectations have just been too high so far.

James