topic Here We Go Again in Depression

Here We Go Again

Cucuboth — Sun, 01 Jan 2017 14:26:08 GMT

So, here we go again. In to yet another year. Another year that starts like the last one ended. And the one before that. And before that. And continue that another 25+ times. Had another Christmas alone. And another New Year's Eve. My therapist said to try and get my family involved in some form of physical contact ... a hug for instance. But no. They don't want to. So that's that door shut. Again. And they are the only people in my life. I've been writing to another online forum as well as this one, but, it's not doing much good. A lot of same old cliched 'advice' that I have tried to death already. A few that say "message me if you want to talk", so I do, and never hear from them again. Not that any are in Australia anyway. The feeling of isolation is just .... it's like I am being choked. Slowly. I called Lifeline yet again, and yet again got the same disinterest. Yay Lifeline ... way to make someone feel even more worthless. It's going to be another year of the same thing. There's no more hope to hold on to. Just like there's nobody who will hold me. Maybe there is some kind of symmetry in that, I don't know. I can't do this on my own, and yet there is nobody who wants to help. There's only so many times you can 'put yourself out there' again. And again. And again. Only so many hobbies you can have. Only so many times you can ignore it, focus on something else and hope that it will happen 'someday when you least expect it'. Because it never does. I'm just expected to shut up and be happy alone. To be happy, lonely. And I just can't do that.

Here We Go Again

Starwolf — Mon, 02 Jan 2017 02:52:45 GMT

Hi Cucuboth, good to meet you.

Just letting you know that you are heard. Because I once found myself in a dark pit of despair too, with hopelessness as sole companion. That was many years ago. I'm no longer there but still here, connecting with you.

You are feeling "advised out" so I will not offer any suggestions. What is it you are expecting from these forums, how best can we help you ?

Many people have found calling Lifeline helpful, a start to a positive turnaround so your negative experience with it comes as a bit of a surprise. Have you tried the BB helpline (1300 22 4636) ?

You believe that no one cares, but those lines and forums where created with care in mind. Those who post here to help those in need do so voluntarily, just because they care and try to make whatever small difference they can.

Developing emotional self-sufficiency can be hard work. I know, as I chose many years ago to cut off contact with a toxic family, later with a couple of equally toxic relationships. I have lived alone many years but feel no longer lonely. I guess it all depends on our particular level of dependency on others.

We at BB are here to help and support you but it would be easier if you tell us first about your expectations. We're all different so all have specific needs. It is true that interaction around these forums cannot replace face to face communication. It is not meant to. However, anonymity allows more in depth connection than is usually possible in the outside world. There's a lot being said here that members choose to stay here, because it is a safe place. Because it is understood... minus judgment.

If what you need is to voice silent suffering, then you are in the right spot. Please feel free to unload the overload...we are listening.

Here for you.

Here We Go Again

Cucuboth — Mon, 02 Jan 2017 05:18:05 GMT

Hi Starwolf,

Thanks for your reply. I don't know what to expect from these forums, because most, if not all, other forums I have been to and tried only provide the same cliched advice, or to be totally ignored. These forums were suggested by Lifeline when I called them before Christmas (I've called them twice in about a week, out of utter loneliness), and it was the only thing they really suggested. All other suggestions they made I have tried, many, many times in the last 25 years, and one other forum they suggested to go actually closed down in July 2016.

I don't have any friends. Never have. There's nobody to go out with, do anything with, share anything with. There's no connection with anyone, and I have been trying to find that for the last 25 years. My family think that I should just accept what life has given me, and live life alone. My current therapist, doctor, and mental health case manager all dither and avoid the subject. Anyone else just makes a joke that I will have to pay for someone to be with me. That's always been a joke in my life, that if I want any contact with anyone, the only way anyone will do it is if I pay them. But, like I said, I don't have any friends, not even any anquintinses. I go through most days without even anyone to talk with, or only the most basic 'small talk'. Any attempt to go beyond that gets shot down.

I'm 40 now, and have never felt any physical contact that I can remember. Not a hug. Not a held hand. Nothing. The only advice my therapist has said to try is to get my family to provide some form of physical contact, but they just aren't interested. I can't make them do something they don't want to do. Sometimes, the need for physical contact is like a physical pain, made worse by knowing there's nobody who will. There's just no outlet for it. And I mean physical contact with another person, not a pet or anything. I have had many pets over the years.

I have also done volunteer work, with several charities over the years, and each experience wasn't a pleasant one. The same with online dating and friendship sites. I have plenty of hobbies, but never find anyone to connect with or even talk with there. I've been going to a walking group all last year, and nobody there is interested in talking with me. I am lost. And nobody seems to want to help.

Here We Go Again

White_Rose — Mon, 02 Jan 2017 07:28:16 GMT

Hello Cucuboth

Loneliness is a burden many of must carry and it definitely is not nice. I am sad for you that you feel so alone and lost. Like Starwolf I am reluctant to make suggestions because you have heard it all before. And that I can most definitely relate to.

I have found, for me, that talking helps me to figure out what to do next. As this is not an option for you just now, would you consider talking via this forum. It seems someone is around almost 24 hours a day and very happy to chat about whatever is on your mind. Have you looked in the BB Social Zone? This is people 'congregate' to chat about all sorts of things and play games. There are virtual cafes, word games, favourite quotes and heaps of other threads. It's not deep and meaningful conversation but a place to talk when mental health issues get too heavy. I think it may be helpful for you to have someone to 'talk' to or play games, write poetry, talk about films and musicians or whatever.

I know it's not a substitute for face to face conversations and physical contact but many people find it helpful. May I suggest you check it out.

Regardless of the outcome of the Social Zone perhaps you would like to continue this conversation and together we may find a way to help. When I write replies to others I find much of the time I am writing to myself. The problems are different as are the solutions, but the conversation can develop our recognition of solutions. Perhaps you would like to browse BB and talk to others as well as write here. All help is welcomed.

Mary

Here We Go Again

Doolhof — Mon, 02 Jan 2017 08:49:47 GMT

Hi Cucuboth,

I'd like to welcome you to the community here as well. Sounds like you have tried different things to connect with people. It is not easy at times, I understand that.

We moved to this region 4 years ago, it has taken a while to meet new people. I joined a volunteer group and felt like I didn't fit in at all, so didn't go for a month then returned with a changed attitude, telling myself I would get the most out of all the group had to offer even if I did feel like I didn't fit in.

Maybe it was just me and my way of thinking that made me feel like I didn't fit in.

One way I have found to get some people talking is to ask them about themselves. I did that on Sunday and one guy chatted on for ages after Church. I learnt he had been to Antarctica and Greenland amongst many other places.

Regarding contact with other people, I sometimes go and have an oil massage for that. I do have a husband but once I hit about 30 (I am now 50) he decided I was not 21 any more and didn't want me touching him! By the way he is the same age as me and about 30 kilos heavier...and I am the one with the problem.

Anyway, this is about you and not me! Recently I have heard of people talking about "Meet Up" Groups. Have you had anything to do with them at all?

It really can be frustrating when you don't know how to find any help. If you continue with the walking group, see if there is someone new in the group and ask them questions about themselves.

I'm not sure what else to suggest. Wish I had some great ideas for you...then I would have answers for myself as well!

Just had a thought, you mentioned volunteer situations not working out in the past, would you consider helping the elderly? I'm sure there are plenty of old dears who would love a hug a chat or a hand massage. I know that is probably not the age group you are wanting to focus on, but it might be a start to help boost your self confidence.

You are certainly welcome to make any comments on my suggestions. By doing so myself and others might be able to come up with some other ideas for you.

Cheers for now from Dools

Here We Go Again

Starwolf — Tue, 03 Jan 2017 01:52:43 GMT

Thank you Cucuboth for replying and providing more insight into your loneliness issue.

One thing is certain, you will not be ignored here. There will always be someone willing to interact with you in this cyber spot.

Re your need for physical contact, have you thought of indulging remedial massage therapy ? When well done, it can also affect your state of mind. It is often taken for granted that the brain sends messages to the body. As someone who practices therapeutic touch, I can assure you that it works both ways. Our bodies store emotions and experiences. Undoing those physical knots and tangles helps release a lot of negativity. Please understand I am not talking about mindless body rubbing ! Perhaps you would find looking into this helpful...if only to alleviate the need for physical contact and pampering.

May I ask what YOUR thoughts are re the reasons why other people respond to you so reluctantly ? Perhaps insight into the root cause may be a first step towards bridging the gap between you and others. It is true that many people balk at the mention of mental conditions. Social isolation is a common by-product but what is it that makes your situation so extreme ? Many sufferers also have acquaintances, friends and families...though not always ideally understanding and supportive. Sometimes, perceiving us as needy of closeness is enough to scare people away.

I suggest you keep questioning your therapists...part of their job is to either answer questions that are important to you or help you figure the answers yourself.

Unfortunately, there is little we can do if "you have tried everything and it didn't work". But if you choose to hang around the forums, there will be others to connect and chat with.

I believe you may have more to offer than you think. Your contribution here will be much appreciated.

Here We Go Again

Cucuboth — Tue, 03 Jan 2017 13:32:05 GMT

Hi Starwolf,

The thing with massage therapy is that it's still paying for some form of physical touch. There's no emotional connection there, and they are really not doing it by choice, but because you are paying them to. It's always been a joke that I will have to pay for any type of human contact and interaction. The only chance for conversation I really have is with doctors, therapists, and my mental health case manager. All people who, at the end of it, are being paid to talk with me. I suppose I just want the chance to experience it with someone who has chosen to, maybe because they actually care. I'm rather sick and tired of feeling like I am just some file, some number, something that is put up with for a an hour, money taken, and then pushed out the door again. It just adds to the feeling of being worthless. Of not even being human, especially when nobody will touch you.

I don't know why it happens to me. It always has. I always seem to, well, attract the bullies, even in my youngest days. All through primary school, all through high school, in to university, and then work. At all groups and clubs I have joined or been to. At volunteering. Everywhere. I even get things said to me, at random by people I don't know and have never seen. I've been spat at. Getting laughed at, in public, is fairly common for me. I've always been called ugly. Or unusual looking. When I was young I was skinny, so I would get bullied about how I would snap in the wind, or disappear behind a pole. In High School, girls would joke that if I was with them, I would break like a twig. Then, once I started to finally put some weight on (at about the age of 20), I suddenly became too fat. I'm pale, I burn, not tan, so I can't spend all day out in the sun, even with a hat and sunscreen. I don't drink, or smoke, or use any drugs. All my own choice. They just never interested me. So, I've never been invited to a party. Not even a birthday party as a kid.

As silly as it might sound, I sometimes think that never having friends just makes me an open target, simply because nobody cares. I'm not important ... physically, emotionally, mentally, or in any way. Often, when I've been bullied, it is seeing people who are watching this happen and not saying or doing a thing to help, that hurts more than the actual bullying. I've never had, never experienced, any support or encouragement. I basically get told to just be invisible to everyone. And that just doesn't work.

Here We Go Again

Cucuboth — Tue, 03 Jan 2017 13:48:47 GMT

Hi Doolhof,

Thanks for your reply. I have tried volunteer work with the elderly. It was one of the places where I encountered a lot of bullying (as always), and so found no connection with anyone there.

I've also tried meetup.com groups, the few that seem to be in my area that I am interested in anyway. Again, like most groups, I found I just didn't fit in, didn't find anyone willing to talk with me, couldn't join in the conversations, and generally just found myself, once again, the 'odd one out'.

I think I covered the massage thing in my last reply to Starwolf above. To me, it would just be like confirming that all the bullies have been right.

I don't know what to do. All anyone really seems to say is to keep trying. But, I just feel like I am at the end. I'm so tired, so sick, so ... lonely. And that that sounds pathetic makes it even worse. There's just no shimmer of hope, a light, something to say I'm on the right path, something to hold on to. I feel like I have been thrown away like a piece of rubbish that nobody even wanted to try .... and that's one of the things that is really, REALLY, tiring, when it feels like you're the only one trying. And I'm just so tired and frustrated.

Here We Go Again

Guest_1055 — Tue, 03 Jan 2017 14:38:28 GMT

Hi Cucuboth

You almost sound like you are crying behind the words you have written in here. I am so sorry you have been struggling for so long. And it is understandable you would feel frustrated and perhaps just fed up with with everything.

Your expressed need for human physical touch reminds me of some things I learnt in this support group that I attend. The topic was "the five love languages". One of the love languages was" physical touch".This means that the people belonging to this group feel loved and express love best by giving and receiving hugs, pats on the arm, holding hands etc. It is not only romantic type love but all kinds, friendship, family etc. My second strongest love language is physical touch. I generally like hugging people even on Beyond Blue. So will you accept my cheery virtual one?

Anyway this could explain why you partly feel the way you do. I am only sharing this because I do understand that sometimes all one wants is someone to actually give them a hug, especially more so if your love language is in fact "physical touch".

So here is a second one for you.....

Here We Go Again

Cucuboth — Wed, 04 Jan 2017 14:15:31 GMT

Hi Shelley Anne,

You're not wrong there. Today I had to find a quiet side-street, pull over, and cry, and all that set me off was seeing a couple walking along holding hands, and just having that overwhelming feeling that I will never know what it is like to experience that. That's happening more and more often, to be honest.

Fed up with everything sounds about right too. Fed up with myself for not being able to be like everyone else. Fed up with having asked for help back in 1999, and still trying to find it, find someone, all these years later. Fed up with being told to keep trying the same things, over and over and over again, and fed up that I can't just turn my emotions off like a light-switch.

I suppose I am most fed up with the constant feeling that I am, and what I feel, and need, are invalid. Or, that it's normal to feel these things, to want them, but not normal for me to actually get to experience them. Unless they are reduced to just a cold, empty, business transaction.

Thank you for your 'virtual hugs'. I just wish they were real, or that I knew what a hug really felt like.

Here We Go Again

Doolhof — Wed, 04 Jan 2017 20:49:09 GMT

Hi Cucuboth,

The way you reacted to seeing the couple is how I used to react when I saw women with babies. In a different way I understand the pain and the longing for something you can't have.

Over the years I have been blessed though by being able to cuddle and hold other people's babies.

A friend of mine attends a GROW Group. I tried a couple and they weren't for me. One thing they do is to offer each other a hug if you want one. I'm not sure if you have heard of this group or considered attending a meeting to see what they are about. It is alike a support/counselling group.

Sorry to read about the bullying you received in Aged Care. That is quite tough when yo are there to volunteer your time to others! Bullying is not acceptable at any time.

Regarding the massage, don't think of it as having to pay someone to touch you, think of it as a gift to yourself. I occasionally buy myself flowers. I think of a massage as a bit of pleasure and a gift to myself as well. It does my body and my soul some good.

Wish I had some more ideas for you!

Cheers for now from Dools

Here We Go Again

White_Rose — Wed, 04 Jan 2017 21:59:48 GMT

Hello Cucuboth

It's good you are continuing to talk here and I hope even the limited contact is helping you. You wrote All people who, at the end of it, are being paid to talk with me. I suppose I just want the chance to experience it with someone who has chosen to, maybe because they actually care. I remember when I first had counselling that I felt the same way. I liked the counsellor and the counselling, but I could not rid myself of the feeling of shame both that I had to pay someone to talk to me and that I needed that help. The second point is something that many people with a mental health problem grapple with.

I volunteer in an organisation that exists to support people with mental health difficulties, specifically those who have difficulty integrating into their communities. As far as I know this is a unique program and was recognised recently for the great work they do. I actually volunteer in their reading and writing program, helping adults with limited or no reading skills integrate into the community through various forms of communication.

This is an Anglicare initiative in Brisbane. I have no idea where you live, so this may not be helpful. The workers are paid but their role is help find networks and establish the person into those networks, not to be the person's friend. It is difficult to point you in any direction because you have been so proactive in looking for yourself, and our options are running out. If you are not in Brisbane then have a chat to your local Anglicare people. I am not suggesting counselling as you already have a therapist, but there may be something similar to Brisbane's program. Just a thought.

Dools has suggested GROW. I know little about this organisation so cannot comment, but there are other mutual help organisations. Some exist only in one place while others are part of a network. I put self help groups into my search engine and found lots of groups. Not all will be relevant of course. The Black Dog Institute have some good stuff. The nature of these groups means you will not be excluded and instead will be welcomed. Give it a try. Let us know how it goes.

Mary

Here We Go Again

Ellu — Wed, 04 Jan 2017 23:32:18 GMT

Dear Cucuboth,

My heart aches for your sadness and desperation. I wish there were something I could do to help, some suggestion I could make to help. Cucuboth, let go of that vise which is tightening around your heart for a minute.Remember that whatever you feel at the moment you are a valuable, worthwhile human being with unique skills. You are who you are, and you are the only you there is which makes you special. Maybe you could access just a little bit of the positive feelings about yourself and affirm your self worth.

This is going to sound corny, but try to focus for a while on one thing which gives you pleasure - it might be a flower, it might be a cup of tea. I know you probably couldn't be bothered, but do it for yourself and see if it makes you feel less alone for a minute. It is a hard fight you are going through at the moment -but don't forget you have all of us on the forum to support you.

Ellu

Here We Go Again

Starwolf — Thu, 05 Jan 2017 02:09:25 GMT

There are different ways of looking at the same thing. Many professionals choose a particular line of work because it means something more to them than just money. Many who are into social or therapy work are there because making a difference is important to them. It is true some specialists are well paid but many in care work would earn more in a different job (cleaners in hospitals earn more than nurses for example).

I agree with Mrs Dools, indulging gifts to yourself is a good idea. As you well know, other sources can prove unreliable ! But it doesn't mean you are undeserving.

But I understand that a 1 on 1 connection would be more satisfying to you.

Being half-pint size, I get that it can be an open invitation to bullies. I certainly experienced a lot of that before I gained enough self-respect and confidence to stand up for myself. It hasn't been an easy road, particularly coming from a childhood of abuse and being naturally hyper-sensitive on top of it. Past experiences of being constantly belittled and considered the fly in someone's ointment lead us to believe we are to blame for everything, worthless. Poor self-image later had me gravitate towards the wrong partners because they seemed to offer what I craved...the feeling of being special to someone, cared for and appreciated. They were of course narcissistic types, more bullies. Until I realized I was repeating the only pattern I knew and that neediness aggravated the problem.

A painful past makes us fearful of an emotionally distressful future. This fear can be sensed by potential predators and bullies from miles away !

The sum of your past experiences and responses is something only you can express. You are unique, irreplaceable and have a particular contribution to offer in a way no one else could. From this participation, self-regard and self-awareness can grow. And if you encounter misbehaviour or abuse along the way, reporting/denouncing it will go a long way towards earning respect, particularly if done with the calm assurance that being treated with respect is your birthright. Small steps acquire a momentum that grows on you.

Have you thought of contacting a local Neighbourhood or Community Center to find out what is available in your area ? These places are usually a mine of info re local groups, meetings, outings etc...

I can't give you a real hug but my thoughts are with you.

Here We Go Again

Guest_1055 — Thu, 05 Jan 2017 14:00:55 GMT

Hi again,

I totally understand the" fed" up feeling. My circumstances are different to yours, but I still know that feeling just the same. Anyway I just wanted to say hello to you. And to see how you are getting along. Also you mentioned you have plenty of hobbies. What sort do you have? I am just interested to know is all.

Shelley

Here We Go Again

Cucuboth — Fri, 06 Jan 2017 14:23:36 GMT

Hi Shelley,

Well, I read a lot. Sci-Fi/Fantasy in fiction, and history in non-fiction. I would almost say that going to book stores is also a hobby. I also like comics, mostly DC. I do art, painting mostly with acrylics or watercolours, although I have used oils. Also like using pastels. Had one pastel picture in an exhibition last year, and it sold. Also like just drawing in general. Like with book stores, going to art supply shops could also almost be called a hobby too. I also like doing photography. Mostly landscapes and wildlife. Also like doing genealogy, tracing my family history. Video games and board/card games, although the latter obviously requires someone to play with. I like astronomy and space stuff, and really want a good telescope one day.

Here We Go Again

Cucuboth — Fri, 06 Jan 2017 14:41:52 GMT

Hi Dools and Mary,

I'll reply to both your posts in one, if that's OK.

I have tried a couple of local GROW groups, but found both to be very religious. Not being religious myself, they just weren't places for me. The two I've been to, I was definitely never even offered a hug though.

Although not religious, the first serious counselling I was sent to (in 1999) after my breakdown was with Anglicare (they never once mentioned religion while I was there, unlike GROW). I found though that, like most forms of therapy, they didn't seem to really understand loneliness, seeming to assume that I had friends that I just didn't spend any time with. Apart from that, they probably started with what is now the same old 'advice', like to just put myself 'out there', and do volunteering, and study, ect ect ect. Stuff I have now done repeatedly, with no success.

I've also attended various groups over the years through the local Neighbourhood Center. But yeah, same results as always.

One of the reasons I feel so frustrated is that it seems like I have pretty much tried any (or all) advice anyone comes up with. Often tried multiple times. And it doesn't work for me. And I guess sometimes I can see why people get frustrated, annoyed, even angry at me. Which is why sometimes it becomes difficult to ask for help. So, I hope nobody thinks I am shooting down their ideas or suggestions just for the same of shooting them down or to be difficult. It's just that I have already tried them.

Here We Go Again

White_Rose — Fri, 06 Jan 2017 16:26:36 GMT

Hello Cucuboth

No one is upset by you telling us you have already tried the suggestions that have been offered. Simply sad it appears we have nothing to offer except friendship and caring, which is unfortunately limited by the nature of this site.

You said And I guess sometimes I can see why people get frustrated, annoyed, even angry at me. Which is why sometimes it becomes difficult to ask for help. We are definitely not frustrated or angry at you, just feel helpless. I am wondering if this insight is worth exploring with your therapist. Have you been with him/her for long? You have very open with us here and I presume you are equally as open with your therapist. I think the question to ask is why you behave in the manner you do, not what activities or groups you can be part of to feel wanted.

You have identified you can see why others become frustrated, so rather than carry on with the search to find acceptance, perhaps you need to identify what it is about you that you feel makes others ignore you. It is my turn to ask you not to take this comment amiss. If, as you say, there is widespread dislike or indifference to you, why not explore this with the view of firstly understanding yourself and where these feelings come from, and secondly to address these issues.

I know people can be uncaring at times, but you appear to found this a very common outcome. For example, when you start to talk with someone what makes that person turn away. I was impressed by the list of hobbies you described to Shelley. If you were talking about one of these to someone how does this scenario play out. I have lived alone for the past 16 years after separating from my husband. It has taken me many years to understand the whole process behind the marriage in the first place and my eventual choice to leave. Starwolf has also made a similar comment.

Instead of looking to others for companionship and an answer to your loneliness, would it be more successful to work out what happens and why it happens in these less than successful interactions? Please don't construe this as a criticism. I am finding in my own experience, and this is still a work in progress, that the only control I have over my own destiny is in what I do, say and think. I cannot change anyone else.

Let me know how you feel about these comments.

Mary

Here We Go Again

Cucuboth — Sun, 08 Jan 2017 14:22:26 GMT

Hi Mary,

Sorry. I just get the feeling that often, people get annoying with me very quickly. A lot of the therapists I have been to end up going like that. They end up getting annoyed at me, even angry, because I have tried all the 'advice' that they give. My family get annoyed and angry at me because I won't just accept the way things are and because I want more than what life has given me. And a lot of people who give advice seem to get angry because I have already tried what they suggest, often to the point of accusing me of not wanting to try, or not trying hard enough, simply because what worked for them doesn't seem to work out for me.

I have done role playing with therapists before, about how to approach someone and start a conversation. Huh, all I can say is that what works in a therapist's office doesn't seem to work out here in the 'real world'. In the therapists office, I'm OK once I get started, but away from there, I just never seem to find anyone to get started with. I don't know why people react to me the way they do. It's just always happened. I know you can't change the way people think, or the way they react, but sometimes I think that all it would take would be someone to just try. I guess that's what really hurts, is that nobody has ever even tried to really talk with me, know me, let alone touch me. Why people won't, I don't know. I think you would have to ask them that. All I ever get told is that I am ugly, or at the very least, unusual looking. I still find, at 40, that when I am in a line or a queue, sometimes people will dare their friends to stand next to me, or behind me, or who will be game enough to stand close to me, and make a joke out of it. It's humiliating. And I don't just mean teenagers doing this.

To find out what happens, and why, I guess you would have to have the co-operation of the other person involved, to ask them how they feel, and why. And that isn't going to happen.

I can't change anyone. I know that. I guess, I thought that by this age, I would have found at least one person who liked me. At least one person who was willing to meet me half way and try ....

Here We Go Again

Guest_1055 — Sun, 08 Jan 2017 15:55:59 GMT

Hey again and I greet you with a friendly hug!

You sound just so sad still, I long to cheer you up in some way.

I read all about your hobbies that you have, you sure do have a few good ones there. I don't know much about astronomy, but I love just lifting my head up and staring into the night sky. The greatness of it is mind blowing, like one cannot get ones head around the size of it. It is incredible. Love looking at the stars too. I think staring up at the stars, moon and looking for the planet's through a telescope would be fascinating. I hope you get one soon. One of my relatives has something on his smart phone that lets you know what satellites are passing over head in space. Maybe you have heard of such an app?? Don't know what it is called though.

I too like books, not the kind you like reading though. Except for few a historical types. I have been know to even smell books in second hand shops,because I don't like buying any that seem musty. I feel a bit embarrassed saying that...Oh well. Anyway I certainly understand you visiting bookshops and it is like a hobby for you. And good on you for selling some artwork, you must be pretty good then?

Now I am wondering about your need for hugs, and this thought popped into my mind. You may have already tried this or been advised before. So I hope my suggestion doesn't frustrate you? Have you ever tried just greeting your family with a hello and a simple hug? Like don't ask them whether they are willing to give you one. But rather have a thought that you will simply give them one instead. Just give and not expect anything in return from them. They may physically feel stiff like, or may not even put there arms around you. But not to worry.. If you haven't tried it already...Just go for it!

Hey I am sorry that you have felt that "humiliating" feeling. Other people can act like real jerks sometimes. And the way they treat you is really telling you what there character is like. I am only just learning about that myself. It is what is inside a person that really counts, so much more important and precious then the outside of someone. Hope you don't mind me saying that??

And thanks for sharing your hobbies and if you do just end up "biting the bullet" and giving your relatives a hug, will you let us know how it goes ?( I am just nosey is all)

Shelley