topic L.O.S.T in Depression

L.O.S.T

Jebecabob — Fri, 02 Sep 2016 12:25:38 GMT

I don't know who I am anymore or where I belong, it is only until you get to this point where you truly realise that the world is a big place and you in comparison are very small.
I have gotten good at faking smiles and conversation and pretend I have so much life in me, where all I can truly feel (behind closed doors) is the life drain from me, sounds more intense when you write it down, don't get me wrong it isn't like I walk around sad all the times, there are times where I actual feel like I am there, present and happy, this may last a whole day or it could be hours...

I don't have anyone to talk to, I have tried so hard, but I feel like I am constantly letting people down including myself.

I think this is the first time I have said this in a way where I now become instantly vulnerable, I never let myself get to that stage, always having walls up and only letting certain people see the real, deep me... But here we are... These words have been said and now I am weightless for the first time, maybe I don't need to change or find who I am, maybe if I keep letting my wall down slowly I might just find my way back to who I used to be.

L.O.S.T

Fairywings — Fri, 02 Sep 2016 12:40:52 GMT

hi lovely and welcome glad you have joined us very nice to meet you I'm venessa. I def love you use of words here you have described what's it's like to live with these monsters that are so called anxiety and depression in your head. They will distort your perceptions of everyday life and silence you in ways u couldn't think was ever possible, you quote " I don't know who I am anymore or where I belong, it is only until you get to this point where you truly realise that the world is a big place and you in comparison are very small". But in me saying this and you quote "I am weightless", yes you have become now bc ur heart and soul can no longer hold onto this despair you are feeling, we are all going to help you get thru things and head you in the right direction for recovery. I'm so sorry you are dealing with this and have been for some time, and your def in the right place to get help and support. You are always safe here so please feel free to speak about whatever is on your mind. Please don't feel like a failure bc you haven't let anybody down ur reaching out bc you need help to get thru these times you don't have to deal with this alone anymore. As you also quote"maybe if I keep letting my wall down slowly I might just find my way back to who I used to be". That's exactly what is going to happen with our help you are going to find your way back to the person who you used to be and we are going to help you get there. It was very nice talking to you please do keep in touch Venessa xx

L.O.S.T

Jebecabob — Fri, 02 Sep 2016 13:09:34 GMT

Hi Venessa,
Thank you for your kind words, you have made me feel like this is a safe and welcoming place, and that is what I think I need, no judgement just support... It is hard to find now days because people prey on your weakness. Thank you for what you said, you actually made me cry. Chronic Pain is a silent but deadly "thing" that makes you so debilitated and I hate it, all I do is sit at home and when it gets quite that is when my brain starts going off and I start to realise I am here but I don't know what I am doing, it is like my body is present with my husband but my mind is so far away... Sometimes it seems easier to "go away" then it is to fight this pain, as I know I am going to loose because well... you cant beat Chronic Pain, it will win each time.

Again thank you so much for you words I appreciate it more than you will probably ever know but it is true, you seem to be a very kind person and I think the world needs more people like you!

L.O.S.T

Fairywings — Fri, 02 Sep 2016 13:34:32 GMT

Hi sweety it is def a safe place and we are happy to have you here with us xxoo That is what we are all here for to help you through these dark times and help you see the light. yes ur right chronic pain is very silent but deadly invisible illness always r. I am and many others on here are sufferers and we understand what you are going through so ur def no longer alone xx I'm sorry my words made you cry but i'm very glad bc i always speak from the heart yes i am one of kind. I am an earth angel and was kept here on this earth to help people. I became a youth-worker and have worked with many troubled souls but let me tell all beautiful souls. I am also a survivor of childhood sexual abuse and everything else that just seems to go with this. But the main thing is I'm here, many times i too looked for a way out but I was never taken bc my purpose in life was to help others hence why I am here speaking with you xx The pain ur feeling it may take over your body but be strong sweetheart and don't let it take over your mind I'm so glad you have the support of ur hubby that is such good news. Ur beautiful made me tear up a little bit Always here for you please feel free to keep sharing with us we are all here for you xx

L.O.S.T

Jebecabob — Fri, 02 Sep 2016 14:04:34 GMT

I am kind of like you (on my good days) all my time is spent on trying to help people, I believe it is my calling to help people but you know you cant help people when you need help. My past like you was not that great, I became addicted to cocaine, rock, weed and alcohol... This then lead me to living on the streets, I am clean now and stuff but that now is my story and I know I can help people who have gone or going through.
You have brightened my day with your words...!

It is just really hard, I hardly sleep which doesn't help, I am just getting sick of faking to everyone.. People ask the question "are you okay" or "how are you going" they just want "Yeah I am going great" hardly any people truly want to know the real answer, makes it hard to know who to talk to and who not to talk to

L.O.S.T

Jebecabob — Fri, 02 Sep 2016 14:05:42 GMT

But thank you again you have been great xxx

L.O.S.T

Fairywings — Fri, 02 Sep 2016 14:13:09 GMT

I'm so proud of you for turning ur life around i think u would def benefit from seeing a gp and having a chat to n them see if they can give u something to help you sleep i know there are meds out there that promote a more natural wave of sleep xx really worth giving it a go nothing to lose. U may also find yourself with a referral to see a psychologist just to have those one on one chats and get stuff out xx

L.O.S.T

Jebecabob — Fri, 02 Sep 2016 14:29:46 GMT

Thanks 🙂
Yeah I am on sleeping pills now but because I have been on my pills for a year or more I am like used to it.. So the sleeping doesn't work 😞

But they are good ideas about seeing the GP and also the Psychologist, I looked at it but I thought I would try this website first and see how I go and go from then.

I want you to actually know and believe the words I say right now.... Since your first MSG I seem to be happier, of course I still feel all those things I mentioned before but you got me smiling and happy with the ind words that you shared with me.

So thank you so much xx

L.O.S.T

Lost_Girl — Fri, 02 Sep 2016 17:55:49 GMT

Hi Lost,

Welcome to the forums. I suffer from chronic pain too, I have had a chronic muscle tension headache 24x7 for over a year now. I have sleeping issues too and it's 3.30am and I finally feel restful enough to sleep. Your username caught my eye. I hope you get some rest tonight.

I am normally on later in the day because of my odd sleep patterns. If you feel comfortable to share would you like to let me know what is causing your chronic pain and what measures you have taken so far to try and help? Just remember not to type specific medication types but the overall class is fine for example over the counter pain killers or stronger pain killers, ADs (antidepressants) etc.

I relate so much to what you say about feeling like you are letting people down, not being able to do much and having to fake what you show to others. I hate being asked how I am. I use the phrase "getting there" these days.

I can't stand the quiet anymore. I need to be doing something that fully distracts me to stop focusing on the pain. It is normally a combination of tv and using my phone or crochet or colouring in when I am not shaking too bad.

I have 3 kids, 11,6 and 4. Doing activities with them is really hard because they need patience and there are big silences at times. The painkillers I have make me dopey and my concentration snd memory are shocking.

I hope to hear more from you

Kind thoughts,

Carol

L.O.S.T

Fairywings — Sat, 03 Sep 2016 01:37:32 GMT

That's very kind of u im happy you have this place where u can vent at any time and i am happy that my responses were of comfort to you xx i know what you mean about the pills ur body becomes immune to them the ones I take allow me to take when needed just to help get my sleeping schedule back but like u I'm a shocking sleeper too so i get it. I have been medicated for almost 17 yrs now for my bipolar disorder bpd and depression so yeah such a long time but i don't think i can be without due to my episodes being severe. Glad to speak anytime and happy to know ive made a diff xx take care and stay in touch with us Venessa

L.O.S.T

Jebecabob — Sat, 03 Sep 2016 02:33:21 GMT

Thank you so much "Lost Girl" for sharing that with me I really appreciate it. My sleeping patterns are all over the place, when I finally sleep which is anywhere between 1-3am if I'm lucky, if I'm not then I don't sleep at all. When I wake I am so mentally tired but there isnt really anything I can do, so yeah I pretend to be awake fully and happy, doing that... meaning putting on a mask everyday, you forget which is real you or the mask?

I have two bulging disc in my back and my super colonial nerve is ruined, I am taking 8 or 6 pills in the morning and then again at night, the problem is that I have been on them for so long, they no longer really work for me as such. I have had an procedure done where they knock me out and then put an epidural in my spine for the bulging disc and then they i don't kind zap I guess my nerves (that was 2 months ago)...

Since then pain has been getting worse its horrible! So I am now waiting for another procedure to be done where he will do the zapping thing for a longer time and if this 2nd procedure doesn't work I will have to go in for a 3rd time and this time they will destroy my nerves in my lower back (right side) so it will be numb...

I just want to be able to go out and have a date with my hubby or everything really, I can't actually do anything so now I feel like I have no purpose anymore because even if I did I wouldn't be able to do it. Which is why I guess I fake been happy it just seems easier...

L.O.S.T

Jebecabob — Sat, 03 Sep 2016 02:39:24 GMT

Hi Venessa,

I love how in the midst of your trials that you have and are facing that you can take the time to help other people out, I know you said that you love helping people but wow... You have so much to think about yourself and here you are helping people.

Please know that it goes both ways, I am also here if you need someone to vent to or whatever!

Thanks you again xx

L.O.S.T

Lost_Girl — Sat, 03 Sep 2016 06:11:10 GMT

Oh Jebecabob,

I hear you! I have a bone shard at c8 and bulging discs at c5 and c6. I get cortisone injections for the one at c8 and use anti-inflammatories for c5 and c6.

I broke my shoulder in 3 places 2 years ago and while it is completely healed, the therapy to heal it overlooked the stiffness and muscle tension in my neck and up into my head. This tension got progressively worse without me realising and a year after the accident I got the tension headache which became chronic and I now have constantly.

I have been on a low dose strong pain killer that only takes the edge off. I am unable to do even basic household things without it exacerbating the pain. I am the queen of tv though!

I like you can't do much. I feel useless. My neurologist and physio say it will get better in time but it is a long recovery time and physio doesn't expect 100% pain free. I just recently got worse with pain so they have added more psin meds but now even though the pain has eased a little I am so dopey it's hard to even think let alone move.

Like you I get to sleep antime ftom 2am to 4am.... it is at the point my body is completely exhausted. Even if I then sleep for 12 hours I still wake up feeling exhausted and in pain. I hate it.

I put on a mask everyday at home too. The forums here are so valuable to me. I don't have to pretend here. It helps. Genuine kind people who empathise and don't get sick of me complaining (well not yet anyway haha). It helps me feel less lonely. When hubby goes to bed at night and I am left sitting in the lounge on my own, I feel terribly alone in this pain.

Are your medical team positive about an eventual improvement in your pain levels after the treatments? Yours sounds like nerve damage. In the worst case if the procedures numbs it will that providd relief? Is it a one off procedure at that point? Only answer if you want.

I really feel for you. I understand.

Here's a hug for you if you'd like. I wish you weren't going through this.

Kind thoughts,

Carol

L.O.S.T

Jebecabob — Sat, 03 Sep 2016 08:23:21 GMT

Hi Carol, Bec here

Yeah we sounds very similar in a lot of what you just said. ATM they are zapping my nerves or something like that - this will be the second time they do it and if this doesn't work then they need to go back and they will destroy the nerves so I then wont feel anything in my lower back -right side... but since I am not even 25 they don't want to do it right away. So fingers crossed hopefully this works.

I had a busy life before this but now I have nothing because I cant do anything - if that makes sense and I think because of that, I am now feeling very alone because I am pretty much home all day

L.O.S.T

Lost_Girl — Sat, 03 Sep 2016 09:33:50 GMT

Hi Bec,

Yep, that's me too. I am rarely able to get out other than to see drs.

I am around if you want to chat. I'm 41 but young at heart 🙂 There is also a couple of virtual cafes in the social thread. BB cafe where I chat and a Friends Cafe for 25 and under. Come say hi.

I can see why they want that as a last option. I hope the next one works.

L.O.S.T

Fairywings — Sat, 03 Sep 2016 12:38:01 GMT

Thanks sweetie means alot xx please take care of yourself as you r going thru so much at such a young age i wish pain didn't exist xx