topic Such joy ambition finds? in Depression

Such joy ambition finds?

Dorian_Gray — Wed, 19 Oct 2016 22:21:14 GMT

About a month ago an opportunity for a promotion came up at work and I applied, I’d been doing plenty of things above my level, was working diligently all the time, so was fairly confident. I duly applied, had the interview etc. and then a fortnight after found out I had succeeded…why should it have amazed me when I always knew…

I thought I would feel proud, successful, good about myself, for an instant as I was told I did, but by the time I was back at my desk there was nothing but sadness…I realised that, there is no one for me to share this good news with, no one to share in my success, no one who would have consoled me had the opposite occurred. I have all this success in my career, yet nothing else, there is no one to go home to, I have all this money and nothing to do with it, no one to buy gifts or surprises for, to take on holiday….just left with the fear that I never will have anyone who really cares about me.

At this time when I should be feeling up about myself, that my skills and abilities are recognised, I just feel what use are they, what is the point, why am I even bothering to succeed in this way or work so hard, I get nothing from it anymore, no one else benefits, it just denies other the opportunity - I reflected on another applicant who lost out because I won, he
has a wife and child on the way…how much more he needs the extra salary than I do…yet he has someone to console him in defeat…I would trade everything I have achieved in life for one moment of that, yet who can offer such an exchange?

I know others struggle to get or keep a job, here I am with a good one, vast resources…yet its still not enough…is there no limit to the emptiness one heart can hold? I can tell these events are edging me back towards a depressive state, I've been there before for other reasons, yet how many more times can i find ways to soothe the different causes...I start to toy with the thought, perhaps 'tis better to reign..... Has anyone else had such a situation, where their successes only embitter them more and lay bare critical absences? How did you deal with it etc.?

Such joy ambition finds?

Cornstarch — Wed, 19 Oct 2016 23:14:22 GMT

Oh Mr or Mrs Wilde don't go to Reading Goal.

Stay here with us.

I am not succesful so I have nothing to add except that.

Such joy ambition finds?

Cornstarch — Wed, 19 Oct 2016 23:20:45 GMT

And a Bluetooth hug

Such joy ambition finds?

Zeal — Wed, 19 Oct 2016 23:33:36 GMT

Hi Dorian Gray,

Congratulations on the promotion! You earned that with your hard work, persistence and skills. The man who didn't get the promotion wasn't quite the best person for the job - that person is you! It made me sad to read that you feel he probably needs the salary more. He doesn't deserve it more though, just because he has a wife, and will soon have a child. It's possible that having extra responsibility at work may have meant he had less time to spend with his child and wife. The main message I want to communicate is that this is your achievement and you are definitely deserving of it 🙂

The fact that you crave meaningful interpersonal relationships and want to share your life with others is encouraging. Though you haven't found someone you want to be with romantically yet, there are thankfully many other options for connecting. Family relationships are incredibly important - especially where mental illness is concerned. I'm 23 and still live at home with my parents and sister. My Mum is the family member I'm closest to. I also get along really well with my cousin who's the same age as me. Calling family (and visiting them if they're close by) regularly is a good way to keep connected. Do you have a family member you are closest to?

I am glad you can recognize that you are slipping back into a depressive state. Seeing your doctor (GP) or another professional as soon as possible is advisable. Getting the help early could prevent a relapse.

Hope to hear back from you 🙂

Best wishes,

Zeal

Such joy ambition finds?

Cornstarch — Wed, 19 Oct 2016 23:49:19 GMT

I concur with Zeal regarding your promotion. It was upsetting to read that you questioned the choice of candidate. I also agree that family and friends can be pivotal in maintaining your own emotional well-being and mental health.

But I hate it when people attempt to talk you out of your feelings.

I don't want to just fob you off or attempt to cover up the fact that you would like a loving partner. There clearly is intimacy lacking in your life and it is completely natural to yearn for it.

Who doesn't.

You need physical intimacy, you can't just say 'oh but I have family'.

There is so much pressure to 'be grateful' and all the Zen, self-help jargon flows through your head and can be overwhelming.

The reality is I've realised it is completely normal to want things.

There is no shame in wanting things for yourself.

And wanting a loving partner.

I hope you get it.

Such joy ambition finds?

Dorian_Gray — Thu, 20 Oct 2016 04:00:28 GMT

You’re spot on Cornstarch, you seem to get it, I really respect that, and in a strange way it helps me…I suppose in the way everyone feels validated intellectually when someone agrees with them or sees their point of view..

You’re right, we want what we want, no shame in that, yet how do we respond when we can’t get it…keep trying as I have done…for how long though…

I remember reading once loneliness is not the absence of any relationship, but of a particular kind of satisfying relationship, which no other kinds of relationships, no matter how many you may have, can substitute for.

I’ve done all the self-help, happy in yourself things I think you refer to during previous rounds of depression/suicidal ideation, its wastes the time, but time is also wasting me in the process. It was always about substituting and trying to shift my attention, but the underlying issue was never addressed, because let’s face it what doctor or counsellor can prescribe a spouse?

Such joy ambition finds?

Dorian_Gray — Thu, 20 Oct 2016 04:03:53 GMT

No visits to Reading yet, for now my prison is only walking through this world all alone and staring into my ever more decrepit portrait.

Such joy ambition finds?

Dorian_Gray — Thu, 20 Oct 2016 04:06:40 GMT

Hi Zeal,

Thanks for taking the time to write back,

It’s not my ability I doubt, or deserving the promotion, it’s a question of even with such ability what good is it to me if I am still without the things that are meaningful? Why even try, what am I now trying to achieve, - see the worlds I’ve conquered, won every spin of the wheel, get all these things I go after and yet its only emptiness I feel…

It’s also the moral factor – after all don’t you send women and children on the life raft first, how much more so then provide them with resources above someone like me – so whilst it is a business decision, it leaves me feeling like I’ve cheated a whole family out of something. And honestly there is a jealousy there, I see what he has, and despair for myself, and a kind of cruel satisfaction at finally having something he doesn’t.

Family none, friends (outside of work and there they are paid to talk to me) none.…there’s the thing, when I say no one I mean no one. I’ve done all the things to try pushing through my social anxiety, joined sporting things, art classes etc. for years not a one. But ultimately they are no substitute for what I really want anyway…You’re right I do recognise the issue growing but as it is I’ve exhausted so many strategies in previous instances, and found myself back here again, each time due to a different trigger admittedly, that I think there is little left to try and less that can actually work. If getting promoted can't get me feeling positive what can?

I guess for now I just keep repeating the same day.

Such joy ambition finds?

Cornstarch — Thu, 20 Oct 2016 04:25:47 GMT

Dorian I have already attempted to pimp out my little sister on another thread, but if you are male would you like to date her?

Lightbeam is in downward facing meditative silence right cradling a broken heart.

Such joy ambition finds?

Cornstarch — Thu, 20 Oct 2016 12:03:21 GMT

You're exactly right doctors can't prescribe a spouse Dorian. And in the end it can't just be any warm body that comes your way.

If it's not there, it's just not there.

But I don't want Reading goal to be your other option either. It's cold, dark, dank and Mr Wilde's visit didn't end nicely. You're really switched on so I won't patronise you any further.

I hope it works out for you. And yes, it's fine to want things for yourself.

There's no guilt or shame in wanting intimacy.

Such joy ambition finds?

Teal_shy_guy — Fri, 21 Oct 2016 04:55:58 GMT

What are your thoughts on your social life Dorain? I know you mentioned it a little bit already. But I just want to see what your thoughts are on your social life? You say you don't have friends or family (Other than just work colleagues). Do you think if you had some people who you could call friends that it would make things at least a bit more bearable for you?

Such joy ambition finds?

Dorian_Gray — Fri, 21 Oct 2016 06:35:16 GMT

That is a good question Teal Shy guy, I suppose it might, but it would depend on the depth of friendship. I've never had many friends my whole life to be honest, but I've had romantic relationships, so in a sense that is what i know, miss, and fear never having again the most. Its easy enough to have acquaintances and such, and engaging conversations, but it is all at the surface, no depth. I really wouldn't know how in-depth a non-romantic friendship can be, its just not something I've ever expereinced.

Such joy ambition finds?

Dorian_Gray — Fri, 21 Oct 2016 06:39:16 GMT

Thank Cornstarch, I've seen some of your comments about the place, you're quite entertaining...I wonder how you found out your Witch of a manager had a broom up her skirt though.... Whilst from a historical perspective a sibling seeking suitors for a sister is quite fine not sure it works in this day and age...mores the pity some might say...but I'm suitably flattered by the offer and almost smiled. Better to seek some warm bodies than prematurely join the cold ones.

Such joy ambition finds?

Teal_shy_guy — Fri, 21 Oct 2016 09:24:40 GMT

Perhaps you should make that a goal for now? I think you said you needed things to focus on to keep you going. So why not that? I mean I understand if you feel like this wont fix your main issue. I actually have the same problem as you. I was actually trying to find someone with the same problem as me to see how they deal with it. I'm 30 and have never been in a relationship EVER. It seriously has gotten me down a lot.It's practically all I think about most of the time to the point of being, like you, thinking what's the point of anything. I lose motivation so much.It makes me think am I even going to find anyone at all? I know there's still a chance maybe I will one day finally find someone who wants to be with me, even if its just for a while. I reckon If I have at least one meaningful relationship for a nice while it will help me keep going for at least a few more years. Because then at least I know that there is at least one person that wanted to be with me and perhaps that gives me a chance to find that one person that you end up with. I actually envy you, I want to know what it's like to at least be in a relationship.

I'm also like you in the friends department, I dont have anyone I would call a friend. I do know one thing though. I wouldnt be able to keep going if it wasnt for my caring family. They keep my head above water. I'd hate to imagine what would happen if I didn't have them. So maybe you need someone you can talk to?

Such joy ambition finds?

Dorian_Gray — Sun, 23 Oct 2016 22:18:38 GMT

Ah Teal Shy guy, I feel so terrible you’re suffering in that way…it’s a horrible emptiness I wish no one else had to experience…alas there is no comfort even in the company of those who know the pain of valentines that never came, and whose names were never called when choosing sides at basketball….you wake up every day thinking ‘maybe today, maybe today’ and like some fool go to bed every evening thinking ‘maybe tomorrow, maybe tomorrow’, I always imagine it like some sad old painting of a lone figure waiting on the rocks by the sea for a ship that never comes…ever tempted to just leap into the churning waters.

It makes sense that is all you’d think about…you think a lot when you’re on your own…it’s a normal thing to want and to be frustrated in that desire....it cripples you it really does…and it sounds like even with your family’s support it barely gets you through, makes me doubt any kind of friend could ever be of any real aid to me....although ironically hearing from you, someone else who understands does in a horrible way help...though I wish there was no one suffering such as you are.

I think in the end there is just no substitute for what we two both want, I can tell you no amount of praise of validation I’ve obtained at work ever compared to that I got from Her when she was still Queen of my Nights. I wish I could give you what you want, I truly do...to give us both the world that we long for, and the love all our money can't buy.

Such joy ambition finds?

Autumn_girl — Mon, 24 Oct 2016 03:19:28 GMT

Hello Dorian Gray,

I can relate only too well. I found myself in a very similar situation to your own; a recent promotion and recognition of a skill set I have spent many years honing. I should feel far more grateful than I do at present and it's not that I don't appreciate this recognition...it just feels empty.

I'm trying very hard to come to terms with life as it presents itself: on its own terms and some days I succeed and at other times I fail quite miserably I'm sure! Sometimes I wonder if what I feel isn't symptomatic of a much larger issue in our society: lack of meaningful connection.

I struggle with superficial exchange, not that I don't love playful banter and the lightness of easy exchanges. But it hits deeper than this... for me it's being able to share a vital part of myself with another, colours I wish I could share with an intimate easiness I've yet to truly experience.

I am blessed in so many ways I know and I try to stay mindful of this and keep my face tilted towards the stars instead of looking at the slow movement of my feet on days that feel heavier than I would like!

I hope you find some comfort in perhaps hearing you're not alone in this rather strange journey of being human and that you can be sure someone has heard your voice echoing out here in the blue wilderness!

Such joy ambition finds?

Autumn_girl — Mon, 24 Oct 2016 03:53:15 GMT

P. S. I think what I hear in you is perhaps what I hear in myself; the search for the beauty of the moment when one soul recognizes another and says: "oh I see you, I hear you, I feel you, I know you and I value all that you are". It's the value of shared experience, shared connection and the feeling somewhere we belong that doesn't count on our busy doings, just the beingness of ourselves.

I'm not sure if this speaks to where you are..I hope it does. Don't give up Mr Grey, even on stormy shores where a lone figure may walk, there is someone in the lighthouse who watches and still shines a light. Maybe a little like this forum, little flashes of light that light up the darkness and move us closer to safety and away from the jagged rocks that the feeling of depression can sometimes bring. Hope to hear from you

Such joy ambition finds?

Dorian_Gray — Mon, 24 Oct 2016 22:06:46 GMT

Hi Autumn Girl,

Thank you for your thoughtful response…yes there is something to being ‘lonely together’ – hearing about others with similar issues…I wouldn’t say it’s comforting as in some ways it fills me with more sadness that others are suffering…but you’re right, perhaps there is some solace that my words don’t just echo in a well of silence.

It is a strange feeling to be recognised for something and feel so empty…perhaps because ultimately it’s not what really matter to us the most, it just doesn’t make up for the other things we lack, and yet we’ve spent so much time and energy on it...you worked hard to hone your skills but even when that is acknowledged your left with a question of 'why'.

There is something you your point about the superficiality of much interaction – and while there are many people who have a deeper interaction with somebody, or many bodies, society doesn’t do well I think in finding a place for those of us who can’t find a somebody…we who have nothing and no one just watch from outside our noses pressed up against the cold window pane…and it’s very hard to get back inside.

A lighthouse, perhaps…but not all coasts have them, sometimes they simply don’t exist to begin with….Especially if the Stars Are Against You Tonight….