topic I am absolutely terrified in Depression

I am absolutely terrified

Jesse1 — Wed, 31 Aug 2016 14:57:50 GMT

This is my first post ever on BB

I suffer from chronic depression and I have turned to alcohol to self medicate although it is getting way out of hand now.

I am currently 25 and only on centrelink. I want to get into rehab but there is a long wait. All I seem to do these days is just be on my computer, drink way too much wine and putting every day of my life off. I am just hoping to talk to someone about this and what I could possibly do to better my life.

I am desperate.

Thank you for reading, Jesse

I am absolutely terrified

blondguy — Wed, 31 Aug 2016 15:17:52 GMT

Hey Jesse

Welcome to the BB Community and thanks for having the strength to post!

You are only 25 Jesse....do you have any friends you an lean on...as in a small support network?

You are more than welcome to post back as many times as you wish....Can I ask you if you have (or had) a good GP that you can have a talk too?

Here for you

Paul

I am absolutely terrified

Jesse1 — Wed, 31 Aug 2016 15:32:28 GMT

I find it soo hard to even get the help I need.

Going to see a friend seems like way too much effort. I have a house mate that I can talk to but he works during the day and I am just stuck alone in my room for the whole day. I want change. My grand mother is also very supportive of me. But I feel embarrassed to talk to her because I messed up again. I promised to her I wouldn't drink but I just can't seem to control myself. I am powerless over alcohol. My GP is okay. but I find there is only soo much you can get out of from going to the doctors so I don't even bother.

I am absolutely terrified

blondguy — Wed, 31 Aug 2016 15:43:15 GMT

Jesse...would you feel better having a chat with one of BB counsellors? They are really super kind

1300 22 4636

I have seen a few GP's for ages and you have everything to gain and nothing to lose by seeing one...

Just a thought...

I am absolutely terrified

Jesse1 — Wed, 31 Aug 2016 15:52:31 GMT

I guess that would be a good idea.

I might give that number a call soon. I think i've hit rock bottom

I am absolutely terrified

james1 — Wed, 31 Aug 2016 15:58:02 GMT

Jesse,

I'm 24 turning 25 in December (damn!). Give the number a call - it sounds like you need someone on the phone - but since I'm catching up on work here (I missed some days in hospital), I'll probably be around if you want to have a chat later on the forums.

Here for you

James

I am absolutely terrified

Jesse1 — Wed, 31 Aug 2016 16:13:34 GMT

Thank you for posting/caring, James

I think I will give them a call tomorrow, when I'm sober. I've had a bit to drink at the moment.

It's amazing how hard I cried yesterday. I was watching youtube videos of my aunty killing it!! (shes in a band) and just thinking how hopeless, depressed and pathetic I have become.

The reason I am like this is because of drugs. If there was one thing I could go back and change in my life, it would be the sober life. I used to be soo much happier back then.

I really need to sort my stuff out. I'm not feeling too bad at the moment. but that is because I am intoxicated. alcohol really seems to help with my depression, but it is slowly killing me.

I am absolutely terrified

james1 — Wed, 31 Aug 2016 16:31:27 GMT

Hi Jesse,

It's really good that you recognise it's not good for you. There's a thread somewhere, I think it's in long term support or maybe staying well, something about beating the booze started by Kazzl. I'd suggest having a poke around there and feel free to post as well.

Really important, as you say, to stay clean and sober.Such hard work, so I feel for you. I do a fairly good job at the whole "moderation" thing, but the temptation is always there. Depression's so difficult at times.

Do you think you can get some sleep tonight? That might help for the next few hours until your head's cleared up a bit. (I hope you're already in bed by the time I send this!)

I'm sure you've heard before, but there's no need to compare ourselves against others. We all have our strong points even if they seem invisible to us. Here's one of yours: you seem very in tune with yourself and your feelings, even if you don't know how to act on your gut instincts. That's okay; we're only young still. There's time 🙂

James

I am absolutely terrified

Jesse1 — Wed, 31 Aug 2016 17:06:45 GMT

Yeah, sometimes I wish I wasn't aware as I am.

Im still up, planning on having a few drinks and crash out. see what help I can get tomorrow.

Thanks again for posting. its helped alot

Jesse

I am absolutely terrified

james1 — Wed, 31 Aug 2016 17:14:12 GMT

Hitting the sack and getting help tomorrow sounds good. If you can do that without a drink, even better. Let us know how you go with the call or just what you're up to tomorrow. I'll be at work but I'm checking every now and then. It's how I keep myself feeling somewhat calm 🙂

I am absolutely terrified

Jesse1 — Wed, 31 Aug 2016 17:21:32 GMT

It's good that you have an active life as it seems

Working, caring about people. I can't seem to care much about people because I don't take care of myself. I will definitely call them tomorrow, not drinking though will be a challenge.

Thank you again for posting.

Jesse

I am absolutely terrified

james1 — Wed, 31 Aug 2016 17:23:38 GMT

You're welcome and thank you for replying. Wonderful talking to you tonight. Speak soon again. 🙂

James

I am absolutely terrified

Jesse1 — Thu, 01 Sep 2016 03:20:55 GMT

So I am currently sober now, when I woke up I decided to finish off the cask of wine. I don't feel like drinking at the moment which is a relief. although I spent about an hour crying. right now I'm just at my computer drinking some coffee. Contemplating calling to seek help. I'm soo lost at the moment. I also spent about half an hour just laying on the bed feeling miserable. I really want my life to get better. this is a nightmare.

Jesse

I am absolutely terrified

james1 — Thu, 01 Sep 2016 03:34:44 GMT

It's good you re thinking of calling. Do you want to talk about what's holding you back? They're nice people. Do you know what you want to say

I am absolutely terrified

Jesse1 — Thu, 01 Sep 2016 04:02:41 GMT

I gave them a call.

It was nice to chat to someone, it made me feel a little bit better. It was about a 20 minute phone call and she recommended me to call a drug and alcohol service, I feel quite reluctant to call them but I know I should. How is your day going? It feels great to be sober to be honest but all my emotions have come to the surface and its a bit challenging to deal with.

Jesse

I am absolutely terrified

james1 — Thu, 01 Sep 2016 04:10:27 GMT

Oh I'm so pleased to hear that. Don't forget you can always give them a call just to chat.

I know what you mean by having all your emotions come to the surface and finding that difficult. That's exactly what I said to my psychologist. My instinct all my life has been to just bottle/push way/box up my emotions. And now that they're coming to the fore, it's really explosive.

Today's a shocker for me, haha. I went for a walk at lunch because I felt like I was going to break windows and mugs at work. Sitting back down now somewhat calmer. I really want to go watch the movie inside out, but i dont' know if my library has it. I will hvae to go see. How about you? Do you think you could put on some headphones and go outside? Watch some dumb pigeons peck at crumbs or something? It's what I do to pass the time.

I am absolutely terrified

Jesse1 — Thu, 01 Sep 2016 05:30:33 GMT

It's good that you're working though. My depression stops me from working and keeping up with it. Today was fairly interesting. I got lucky. I did the Hungry Jacks "shake and win" and got a BBQ Cheese burger for $1. then I went to the pub all by myself and there was a free drink voucher sitting at the pick a box machine. I also swiped my card in the machine and got enough visitor points to get another free drink. I decided to call my house mate too see if he could lend me a beer from his fridge and he said yes. So i'm 2 and a half beers down at the moment. but thats way better than smashing myself with a goon bag. I definitely have an alcohol problem. I cant wait to get my stuff sorted and get into rehab.

For now I'm just going to relax and listen to a bit of music on Spotify.

Jesse

I am absolutely terrified

Kazzl — Thu, 01 Sep 2016 07:45:56 GMT

Hi Jesse, welcome to the forum, I'm Kaz. James mentioned the thread for people struggling with alcohol ... it's under the Staying Well board and it's called Battling the booze. There's a group of us there who have all been through this. And we'd be very pleased to see you and share some support.

Have a read through from the start - there's some good tips and information as well as our own stories.

You can beat this mate. And it's really important that you do while you're young. I've been sober five years and my only regret is that I didn't do it sooner. It's tough, but it's doable and it will change everything for the better.

Hope to see you on the other thread.

Very best to you Jesse

Kaz

I am absolutely terrified

geoff — Thu, 01 Sep 2016 20:14:13 GMT

hi Jesse, welcome to the site on such an awful addiction that many of us have had to conquer, it's not easy we all know that, and there could be times when we relapse back to the alcohol.
I am all for going into rehab and know the waiting list is horribly long, but the problem is that you may spend a couple of months in rehab with no alcohol and not wanting to drink, however once you come out and either meet someone you know or something terrible happens then back you go to the grog, so in other words if you can overcome the drinking problem outside of rehab but with support, help and guidance then you maybe better off, but it takes strength and determination to establish your will power.
Let your g/mother be your backstop, and I'm sure she knows all about alcohol and what it can do to you, she wasn't born yesterday and she would know when you're had a drink even though you may deny it, plus have faith in your doctor.
There is a medication which your doctor can prescribe which will stop the urge for you wanting to drink, but there is no point taking it unless you really want to stop, otherwise it's a waste of time.
If you do decide to take it you will still need counselling, because both go hand in hand, and why is the reason you need the alcohol, and there is always a reason.
Don't forget you can still ring the help line even when you have been drinking, although it won't be beneficial than when you're sober.
You have to remember that your need for grog will come in waves where you say 'will I' or 'won't I' and what I used to do was drink a big glass of fizzy lemonade and skull it, which will fill your stomach up.
Never have any fear of ringing the alcohol and drug service, you're not the first person to ring them, but can I warn you that if your mate has beer in his fridge then the temptation will always be there.
Please to have you on board. Geoff.

I am absolutely terrified

Jesse1 — Thu, 01 Sep 2016 22:16:23 GMT

Thank you for your support.

I ended up having a really rough night last night and decided to go to hospital.

I was withdrawing alot with rushes of anxiety and a terrible night mare.

I went and spoke to a doctor in the hospital and he was kind enough to give me some medication to help calm me down.

Today is day one of sobriety. I know I can do this but I will definitely need the support.

Jesse