topic Depression and people's expectations in Depression

Depression and people's expectations

GemAndLogan — Tue, 27 Dec 2016 02:01:52 GMT

I've been living with depression for a few years, it has been made worse by a lot of traumatic things happening this past two years including losing my mum to cancer, my partner becoming addicted to ice then cheating on me and losing my gran just to name a few;seriously my life has been like a horrible movie, I didn't think so much could happen to me at one time.

I have always been the bubbly, positive and strong person and I feel like now that I'm not, I still have to pretend to be because people expect me to be.

I no longer want to reach out to people because in my head I think that creates more expectations such as the expectation to get better etc.

It's so stupid and it's my issue, I know that my family and friends are there for me but I just want to be alone or just be with my pets.

What am I doing? I'm pulling away from everyone because when I'm alone I have no pressure on me to be anyone or act a certain way. Why am I doing this?

Depression and people's expectations

Starwolf — Tue, 27 Dec 2016 03:43:41 GMT

Hi GemAndLogan,

It has been a rough ride, hasn't it ? No wonder it has taken a toll on your general well-being...

Pulling away when Life has been treating us rashly is a common reaction. Also, when we're suffering from a mental condition, inconsistency between what we know should be right and what we can actually do becomes an additional stressor. Unrealistic expectations of ourselves can indeed make us feel we need to meet other people's expectations too. Wearing a mask is exhausting...Withdrawal seems to be a solution.

It is true we all need time out but it can easily become an entrenched, double edged coping mechanism. After some time, we realize that being alone is no long term answer after all. Social isolation can become a problem in itself. Self-effacing tendencies confirm the false belief that we are hopeless, unlovable. We end up alienated.

Suffering from depression is tough. There is no reason why it should condemn us to a life of solitude. Struggling alone only makes it more difficult.

There has been long stretches of my life when living the rest of my days holed up in some remote cave sounded appealing. It took a lot of soul searching to figure how much of this withdrawal was a natural inclination to be a lone wolf... and to which point it had turned pathological due to past abuse and trauma.

The matter can be resolved by gradually building up enough self esteem and confidence to realize that no one is supposed to live according to someone else's expectations. Acceptance of our own limitations, strengths and weaknesses is the first step. Then we can stand up for ourselves and say "sorry, I can't cope with this".

When thoughtfully informed, those around us can be a terrific source of support. We must choose those with care. Trading quantity for quality is the way to go. Our loved ones should appreciate us for who/what we are, flaws, limitations and all. Unconditional love is beyond many (and yes, I'm with you, it comes naturally to our pets !).

There will always be situations -work or social- where wearing the capability mask is necessary. Wearing it 24/7 is soul destroying. Balance is a difficult state to achieve but well worth working on.

Are you undergoing therapy/counseling ? If not, it could be the way to go to help you unravel those emotional knots.

Kindest thoughts.

Depression and people's expectations

GemAndLogan — Tue, 27 Dec 2016 05:37:56 GMT

Thank you so much for your reply, I can really tell that you understand what I'm going through which is nice.

I did some counselling earlier in the year but struggled to open up, I've made another appointment for next month to give it another try. I have trouble opening up for people face to face, even professionals. For some reason I hide what I'm feeling and pretend I'm ok.

I can talk easily on these forums and via chat because I'm just typing.

Thanks again

Depression and people's expectations

Starwolf — Wed, 28 Dec 2016 07:17:31 GMT

Thank you for replying.

Face to face in depth conversation can be daunting. Baring your soul doesn't come easy...but rest assured that psychs and counselors have heard it all...and some more. Kudos to you for giving it another go. The mind is too complicated a maze to navigate without a guide. Struggling alone means bumping against dead ends, getting lost and exhausted, wandering around forever without finding a way out. A trouble mind is no good place to be trapped in.

Writing about your feelings, thoughts and concerns is an easier way to go. You can take time to edit as much and as often as necessary. Then you can hand this over to your counselor, whether at the beginning or the end of your 1st appointment. Some choose to give it to the receptionist beforehand. The counselor will take it from there.

Putting your thoughts in writing will help you clarify them to yourself. It will also avoid emotional outbursts, though you can cry or rage all you like in private, while you are putting it all on paper. And stay quite cool and composed as you hand over your notes...

This is a coping strategy that has helped many of us. Perhaps it does the trick for you too...

Here for you.

Depression and people's expectations

White_Rose — Wed, 28 Dec 2016 11:01:47 GMT

Hello GemAndLogan

Nice to meet you. Welcome to Beyond Blue.

As Starwolf has said, pulling away from other people is a classic symptom of depression. I like to be on my own at times but it can easily become a habit, and not a productive one at that. There is no obligation to be the go-to person in any way. When you feel OK you can offer to support someone, but not when you feel awful yourself. Please don't try to be the person you used to be. You may get back to it in the future but at the moment you are wasting energy on something that is not you.

Writing about how you feel is good and at BB we are always here to talk to you, or should that be write to you. Years ago when I first became depressed I used to write down what was happening and how I felt. It was good because no one saw this except me.

The psych I went to complained constantly that I did not get around to talking about the hard stuff until just before I left. The obvious answer is that he did not encourage me to open up. It can be uncomfortable until you feel safe enough to talk about the difficult events in your life. Not much counselling happens until you are both relaxed. Are you going to the same psych as before? I hope it starts to make sense for you.

If you do start to write a journal of some sort you may find you can show it to your psych. But don't rush this. You could also copy and print your post above or even the whole thread, depending on how you feel. Have you read much about depression? There is a lot of information on BB so browse the web site and send for any information you want.

I used to hide my feelings and pretend life was OK. I remember getting to my office door and taking a deep breath, squaring my shoulders and putting a smile on my face. Only one person noticed any difference and she was my rock. But it does take energy. Treat yourself gently, just as you would any of your friends, and concentrate on the next step in your healing, not the mountain miles away. There's nothing like creeping up on something and suddenly finding you have arrived.

Write in here as often as you want. We are here.

Mary

Depression and people's expectations

GemAndLogan — Fri, 06 Jan 2017 01:01:41 GMT

Thank you so much for both of your advice and being so supportive and understanding.

It's such a relief to find people that understand because a lot of people don't. ( not their fault)

I have made an appointment with the same counselor as before so i'll see how that goes the second time round.

It's so hard when you know you need to talk to people to help yourself but when you go to do it something stops you. I find when I get to the counselor's office I physically can't say anything except that I'm doing better so I think that writing things down beforehand to show her will help.

My GP (who I've known for years) knows that something isn't right and she always tries to talk to me but even though I'm screaming inside, I just smile and say that I'm ok then I leave feeling so annoyed with myself.

It's so frustrating. Why do I do that?

I've never even told anyone that I feel that way so thank you!

Depression and people's expectations

White_Rose — Fri, 06 Jan 2017 11:15:19 GMT

Hello GAL

Thanks for your reply. It is nice when someone validates your experiences and understands what you are talking about. When you say counsellor, do you mean a psychologist or counsellor? The title seems to be used interchangeably although they do different jobs. I'm just being a bit curious.

I think not opening up to people can, in part, be put down to shame. The idea of revealing we are flawed creatures can be very unnerving. It has taken me a long time to 'tell all'. Society has taught us that mental illness is not a topic for conversation because it is degrading to have mental illness in the family. I think this mindset is gradually changing but not as quickly as we wish. In the meantime we need to push on barriers that divide us.

Falling asleep as I write does not make for coherence. I think I hear my bed call.

Mary

Depression and people's expectations

GemAndLogan — Tue, 10 Jan 2017 21:53:16 GMT

Yes definitely, i feel some level of embarrassment and feel like I must be crazy or something.

I know that's not the case but the feeling is there when you go to talk to someone.

She's a psychologist, I shouldn't be so vague ; )

Also started writing down my thoughts when I get into a bad thought spiral and I find it's helping because I've actually had a couple of good days in a row since I started doing it and that's pretty rare for me.

I've found it stops the thoughts just going around and around in my head, weighing me down.

Thanks for replying : )

I hope you're bed was comfy

Gem

Depression and people's expectations

White_Rose — Thu, 12 Jan 2017 11:30:08 GMT

Thank you, my bed was very comfortable, but then it is always a lovely place to be.

You've started journaling, what a great move forward. Do you reread these comments or simply move on to the next bit of writing? I found that once I had written something I wanted to leave it there without further review. Not long ago I found an old notebook where I written about my life etc. I was quite surprised at my comments. It's been a long time since I wrote these. One day I think I will burn them, a satisfactory end.

When I write something it changes from the one-sided conversation of thoughts to be almost a conversation with myself. I'm told it's best to handwrite your thoughts rather than type them on the computer. There is something about the effort of writing that seems to sink in to the core of our being. I wonder if it is because it takes longer to make handwritten notes than type them, giving ourselves time to reflect as we writ. Or is it the connection with the pen and paper and our thoughts. It feels like a direct link.

As you said, it stops the endless rotation of words in our heads. It also works well when we want to make a decision and write the pros and cons down. Both your GP and psych understand that talking can be difficult so they are willing to wait and let you get it off your chest in your own time.

Mary

Depression and people's expectations

Starwolf — Fri, 13 Jan 2017 00:42:32 GMT

Hi GemAndLogan,

Good to read you are finding out about the benefits of writing.

Putting thoughts on paper necessarily slows thinking down. We must hold to the thought as words take shape on the page. This delay avoids exhausting head traffic jams. Writing helps keep the mind on track, one thought being a logical follow up to the other instead of several of them jumping around in every direction and crowding each other out. Clarity gets a chance to set in.

Mary has it nailed...writing down thoughts and concerns is a conversation with the different aspects of our selves. Because we are such complex (and often confused) creatures, those often disagree with each other. Putting it all on paper slows down the debate in our head and gives every facet more of a chance to express itself without interruption and protests. When focus is on shaping words, emotional outbursts are on hold. So inner conflict becomes easier to resolve. Writers of fiction know that different characters in a novel are often different aspects of the author's personality.

From journalism to fiction, writing once occupied big chunks of my life. Its mechanism is familiar. Observing its effects, interesting to say the least. The longer we spend on forming full phrases (as opposed to speed writing or just jotting things down), the longer the delay and greater the benefits.

It may sound like boring technicalities but sometimes, understanding the mechanism of a coping strategy does help make better use of it.

Happy writing !

Depression and people's expectations

GemAndLogan — Mon, 16 Jan 2017 00:43:20 GMT

Hi guys! Thanks again for your wonderful replies!

I'm really surprised at how much writing is helping me.

Its like the depression is still there but it's no longing weighing me down every day.

I still can't talk about things but I took my journal to my psychologist last week and let her photo copy the pages to read between now and my next appointment.

My journal seems to switch between the past and present, I literally just write down whats in my head at the time. Sometimes its how i'm feeling at that exact moment and sometimes it's reliving how I felt during a traumatic event. I have actually read back through it once and felt relief afterwards, not sure why.

I've also taken it a step further and started a "blessings book" which I write in every evening. It is basically just a list of things that went well that day, even the small things like I had a yummy lunch or felt better today.

I read back through that last night when I felt a low point coming on and it actually made me smile because i could visualize and really remember how I felt at those moments.

Still have the meltdowns but thanks to writing, the effects don't last as long which is good!

Thanks again guys!

Gem xoxo

Depression and people's expectations

White_Rose — Mon, 16 Jan 2017 17:54:32 GMT

Congratulations Gem! Lovely to read how much you are being helped by your writing. I think putting your journal away after writing is metaphorically dumping your problems, at least for a while. And when, if, they resurface they will have lost much of their power. You have acknowledged the thought and taken it out and looked at it, given it daylight so to speak. It's when we live in darkness, afraid of every little noise and not able to take action because we are scared of the dark that the black thoughts find a home in our minds. Daylight is a wonderful invention.

The beauty of it all is that you don't need to stick to one topic, one time, but you are free to visit all the old haunts and look at what actually happened instead of allowing the thoughts to escalate into disasters. Meltdowns stand less chance of getting a foothold because you have processed that thought, that action in your writing and found it not so overwhelming.

And a blessings book as well. Now that really is putting the hard word on your dark thoughts. Is there a quote somewhere to the effect that a weed cannot grow where you plant a flower? It's very brave of you to show your journal to your psych. It shows you trust her and that is good. Well more then good, tremendous.

Keep up the good work and do not be downcast when you do get overwhelmed. Don't want to rain on your parade, just want to warn you that sometimes events and feelings come out of left field and knock you down. The more resilient you become, the easier it will be to see off these intruders.

Mary

Depression and people's expectations

Starwolf — Tue, 17 Jan 2017 02:29:55 GMT

Thank you so much for sharing those victories.

That's what therapy should be...teamwork. How courageous and wise of you ! I hope you are proud of what has been achieved.

A book of blessings ? Terrific idea. Your last post is a blessing in my book...

And as Mary said, if/when a low hits, please keep in mind that what was acquired cannot be taken away from you. Sure, it can be kept out of sight for a while but it doesn't mean it no longer exists. It will still be there when the wave passes.

Kindest thoughts.

Depression and people's expectations

White_Rose — Sat, 21 Jan 2017 04:15:14 GMT

Hello Gem

How are you going? Have you met with the psych since she photocopied your journal? I hope you found it rewarding. Perhaps you can do the same with your GP when you next meet. I know when I am wary of revealing something, if I give just the tiniest inkling my GP will gently follow it up. Perhaps yours will too. I think we really want to tell these important people in our lives what is happening and get quite cooperative when they gently ask us.

It was my birthday yesterday and daughter #2 brought her two children to see me and made a birthday cake that morning to give me. It made me realise how much we take our families for granted. I often feel I want to be on my own yet when someone takes the time to do something nice it makes feel loved and cared for. It also helps to break the "I want to be alone" cycle. Two of my son's daughters made me a bookmark with a photograph of them on it. Gorgeous.

Is your partner still in your life? I read in your first post that he cheated on you and had become addicted to ice. Not sure if you are still together. I have just realised that I did not offer you my condolences on the loss of your mom and gran. So sad for you as they were very important people in your life. My dad and sister died from cancer, lung and ovarian. My mom also died 16 years ago on Christmas day. I don't know why it appears worse when someone dies on such a significant day as Christmas day. I don't know if it was harder because I was devastated, especially as she died in England while I was here in Oz.

I am sewing dresses for my granddaughters at the moment. Occasionally I get the urge and they get pretty dresses. A couple of years ago I made four (I think) dresses for one granddaughter. She wore a different one to day care each day and used them in Show and Tell. "My grandma made these". I was quite tickled by this.

I hope life is starting to get better.

Mary

Depression and people's expectations

GemAndLogan — Tue, 07 Feb 2017 00:12:17 GMT

Hi!

So sorry that I have been absent! Just a very crazy time of year.

I've been going quite well thanks, still keeping up with my writing etc and seeing my psych.

Me and my partner are still together but barely, we are trying but it's just so hard to rebuild the trust that was lost. I'm starting to think that it could be over which is hard because we have been together for 9 years.

WR love to hear that your family are a big part of your life, it's definitely so important.

Its so easy to forget the positive things in your life when dealing with depression.

Thank you so much for your kind words too, I really appreciate it

And Happy Birthday for last month!

: )

Depression and people's expectations

White_Rose — Tue, 07 Feb 2017 21:56:40 GMT

Hello GAL

Lovely to hear from you. It's good that you are keeping up with the writing. Thank you for your birthday wishes.

They sang happy birthday and I blew out the candles, all three of them, and cut the cake being careful not to touch the bottom, much to my grandson's relief.

I wrote two posts to you yesterday and another this morning and they all got swallowed by the abyss. Most annoying as by then I there was no time left to write another. Probably would have gone MIA as I imagine it was the system having a hissy fit.

Maybe it's time for you and your partner to separate. It seems like such a hard and dreadful action after the years you have spent together. Have you talked to your psych about this? I wonder if it would help if both of you went to a counselling session or two together. Relationships Australia is a low or no cost counselling service. Probably not a good thing to take your BF to your counsellor. Instead have something separate for the two of you. Perhaps you could run this past your psych in case I am suggesting something unethical or confusing.It definitely is hard to recall the good times when you in the pit. I know you journal but I wonder how useful it may be to sit and remember some happy incidents, write them on separate pieces of paper and stick them up where you are mostly in the house. Kitchen? bedroom? bathroom? Remembering the good times is one thing, remembering where to look for the happy bits is easier. After a time you could write some more and stick up new memories.

I'm still sewing. Hit a huge busy patch and a bit of downtime so stopped sewing. Back in action although yesterday (Tuesday) was a right-off and today will be no better. Visiting my psych tomorrow morning and then the day is mine. Friday in hospital to have an endoscopy. Nothing serious, just checking on things. I will be so pleased when the weekend rolls round and all I have to do is shopping and washing.

Please keep talking to us.

Mary

Depression and people's expectations

GemAndLogan — Mon, 20 Feb 2017 06:12:01 GMT

HIYA!

Oh that sounds lovely, what a great little family celebration.

Yes I just don't know what to do in my relationship anymore

Part of me wants to be with him but the other part of me is so angry over what has happened.

I agree that maybe counselling for both of us may be the next step for us.

Thanks for the tip on positive writing, that's a great idea.

I'll give it a try!

Thanks again for the reply!

Depression and people's expectations

White_Rose — Fri, 24 Feb 2017 08:17:17 GMT

Hello GAL

Sorry for the late reply, sometimes life gets in the way of our best intentions.

How is the counselling going? I think you are feeling more comfortable with the psych to allow her to read your journal. Do you feel you had a productive discussion on your thoughts? I do hope so.

I suggested you may want to talk to your psych about joint counselling sessions with your partner. Can I ask if this happened? And how it went?

It took me many years to summon the courage to leave my husband. It was complicated by having children but even so it took a while. Although there were difficulties in my life I still believe it was the right decision to make. The reality of life sometimes makes us wonder whether or not taking a particular course of action was the right thing and in reality we will never know what would have happened if we had turned left instead of right. All we can do is make the decision that seems right at the moment.

I hope you will continue to write in here and ask for any help or just to let us know how you are going.

Mary