Lost my light & irrational swings

CJR2017 — Sun, 12 Mar 2017 02:04:07 GMT

Hi team

I feel awful for even writing this because on the outside my life is a dream: I am in a committed relationship with a man who adores me, I am fit, healthy and exercise regularly and I have a career that has taken me to heights I should be proud of. I should be happy. I should be in control.

But I'm not...

I feel numb and if I'm not feeling numb I'm feeling anxious about how I'm failing (at what? I can't work that out). I have regular moments when I am so sad that I read suicide forums for hours and I just sob (cry is too light of a term).

I've suffered with mental health issues in the past (ex-anorexic and depression during and post an abusive relationship) but my life is great - literally what I've always wanted - but why am I so sad?

And on top of the sadness is irrational anger, irritability and impulsive spending. My irrational anger manifests itself with my partner and I lash out. Sometimes physically. I am half his size so I never hurt him - but what kind of person does that make me?

My mood swings wildly from a million miles an hour (I am an executive in a role that requires creativity) to irritable and to be honest, downright spiteful and nasty.

I love those around me dearly yet a part of me is always slightly disappointed and envious when they succeed. Even when I have helped them to do well and I love them. What kind of monster is like this?

I am at breaking point. I am having my hormones investigated but my body is otherwise in tip top shape, I am exceptionally fit and I eat well, seldom drink and take no drugs. But I can't keep it together. I see a psychologist. I do the things I think are right but I can't grapple this.

My anger, sadness, anxiety and feelings of inadequacy runs my life. I know I have people who love me but I feel so alone.

I am reaching out to see if anyone at all feels like this. Or if it's something that will never get better. In which case I have decisions to make. I can't keep putting my partner through this

Lost my light & irrational swings

white knight — Sun, 12 Mar 2017 05:13:09 GMT

Hi cjr, welcome

I think you would agree its really psychiatrist territory. So far you are indeed doing all the right things.

I didnt work up to your level however with years in shift work (security) and years in running my own investigation company l know now that apart from my mental illnesses l had burnout big time. In fact after 4 years of forced retirement (I'm 61yo) I'm only just now recovered.

Below are several threads that could be relevant. Even if you read just the first post they might help. Google

Topic: burnout, the turtle and the hare- beyondblue

Topic: advice please my bucket is full- beyondblue

Topic: when emotions take over logic- beyondblue

Topic- forgiveness and forgetting- the two "F's" for love- beyondblue

Topic: supermarket shelves- beyondblue

Topic: the balance if your life- beyondblue

Topic: meltdown back to basics- beyondblue

Topic: accepting yourself, the frog and the scorpion- beyondblue

Topic: embracing the embracer- beyondblue

Topic: the significance of being reasonable- beyondblue

Topic: anger, can you own it?- beyondblue

Post here whenever you feel the need.

Tony WK

topic Lost my light & irrational swings in Depression

Lost my light & irrational swings

Lost my light & irrational swings