topic BPD - childlike in Depression

BPD - childlike

spunkyturtle — Sun, 09 Oct 2016 07:19:07 GMT

I turn 35 this week and am so frustrated lately, I feel like a 12 year old. I live with my parents, Mum bosses me around and tells me what to do like a 12 year old then Dad takes over and does things for me like I'm a child. If I don't do the dishes pronto by a certain time, he takes over amongst other things. They went away for 12 days in August and I looked after my disabled brother, it was nice to have responsibility and if I didn't do something it just sat there until I did.

the house is being sold and dad mentioned paying out my debt, I'm just waiting to see what happens so I can decide my next move.

Anyone else feel like a big child? Any advice?!?!

BPD - childlike

MarkJT — Sun, 09 Oct 2016 10:22:45 GMT

Spunkyturtle, don't know if you have done this before, but the scene is certainly set for you to take control. Not saying total control (yet), but there is a golden opportunity for you to capitalise on the great feeling of being responsible when your parents were away.

What are the chances of you being able to say to your parents that you will take care of some duties around the house, the ones that your Dad takes over from you, for instance. Are you able to sit down with them and have an honest and respectful chat? If you are able to outline that you want to do x, y and z then they may lay off and let you do them.

Good luck with it but i really do feel that it is set for you to grow within yourself and take control.

Cheers

Mark.

BPD - childlike

james1 — Sun, 09 Oct 2016 11:22:58 GMT

Hey spunkyturtle

I know we've had a chat before on another thread, but I just wanted to pop by and say yes, I absolutely feel like a child. I've been describing it as having a child's emotions and impulses, but with the awareness (and hence guilt, etc.) of an adult.

Mark's tip about having a respectful chat to your parents is a good one. When I was in hospital, that's what the psychiatrist actually facilitated. I realised I couldn't do it on my own, and the psychiatrist helped a lot. That said, my mum still does the same things, but every once in a while I am able to tell her to stop and usually she backs off. Perhaps you could also get some help in essentially mediating the discussion?

I think the move will be very good. I'm moving out hopefully by the end of the year. Really looking forward to just having breathing space.

Nice to see you again 🙂

James

BPD - childlike

spunkyturtle — Mon, 10 Oct 2016 03:49:20 GMT

Thanks Mark and James.

This BPD diagnosis has been hard to accept. I started an 8 week pre-DBT course last week and walked out after half an hour, I went back today and only lasted 75 minutes. I sat there looking around the room at the older people who had said they'd done DBT before and I think OMG I don't want to struggle with this all my life.

We are in the process of moving house, selling this house, the auctions on the 29th and are hoping to be in the new house by Christmas, it won't be too much later if it is. I'm waiting to see what happens and how it effects me. Dad mentioned my debt will be paid off, it is in their name anyway so that gives me some freedom to move! (Can already foresee the feelings of guilt if they do pay it off, I'm paying it now).

I swear my Mother has BPD, the more I learn about it the better I understand her. I don't tell her anything about my medical issues, she can be quite nasty at times and I don't need it. I wouldn't even bother talking to her about this. I just need to move out of the house. I've been too ashamed to even tell my Dad about the diagnosis, hence sitting in DBT group therapy was like a slap in the face with a wet fish. Chit just got real and it scared me.

Im just trying to organise my activities for 2017, looks like I'll be doing the Diploma of Remedial Massage. 12 month course then I can get some work.

Thanks for listening guys, I really appreciate it.

BPD - childlike

MarkJT — Mon, 10 Oct 2016 07:09:50 GMT

Spunkyturtle, i love how you are planning 2017 with course and then some work in that area. That is taking control of your own life which is super awesome.

Keep chipping away. You won't change attitudes in a day but if you do it little by little, soon enough you will be independent and have you own responsibilities to take care of without being told what to do or anyone taking them off you.

Great stuff.

Mark.

BPD - childlike

james1 — Mon, 10 Oct 2016 23:15:22 GMT

Hey spunkyturtle,

My psychologist started working with me on DBT as well. We started with Schema Therapy but decided to change tact when my current situation started worsening.

I think it's great that you've tried going a couple of times. It sucks when you realise, "Oh hey, this is actually happening," but I guess it's for the better right?

Yeah, parents having problems themselves seems to be a commonality amongst BPD sufferers. My psychologist recommended I spend as little time with them as possible because it just wasn't healthy for me, and their habits are very well entrenched as well, so even if they want to change it will take a long time.

Oh that's exciting about the diploma. Does it start February? Will you be doing through a TAFE or something similar?

James

BPD - childlike

spunkyturtle — Wed, 12 Oct 2016 10:11:01 GMT

Hey James

saw my Psychiatrist today, he asked why I left DBT, he wanted to understand where I am at, I tried to explain but he pointed out it wasn't rational. Hmmm so I came home and found a Psychologist who is deeply involved in DBT and rang to make an appointment so hopefully I can work with her. As I told Doc, it was the OMG this is real, mixed in with the scare of how long others have been struggling with it, add in another birthday, a year older depression etc. it's getting better slowly.

The Massage course is a college, it's a fast track course starting March 1 til August 8 so it sounds great!

I hate coming out of an appointment with Doc then questioning everything, is this rational, is this a good decision, am I being silly again uugggghhhhhh

catch 22 ey, I miss living on my own and yet at my parents house I'm not so lonely. BPD sucks!

Cheers James! How's your week going?

BPD - childlike

james1 — Wed, 12 Oct 2016 23:41:15 GMT

Hey spunkyturtle,

Ah i preferred my psychologist to my psychiatrist. The psychologist just seemed to better understand or just better listen than the psychiatrist who was more "this is right; this is wrong". Sounds like you have a similar experience?

March to August...wow that's very quick. Sounds like it'll be tough, but it'll be a nice way to see things going well in your life. Good on your for signing up 🙂

Haha yeah. I'm about to move out in the next couple of months and while I'm super excited to be free of all the judgement, I'll be alone and that's a bit of a scary thought. I will probably end up posting on these forums 10x more than before, haha.

My week has been a shocker! I forgot my work entrance pass 3 times, and on the 1 time i remembered, I lost my wallet, haha. I'm clearly way out of it. How about you? Just lots of packing and sorting? Do you have much sentimental stuff?

James

BPD - childlike

spunkyturtle — Thu, 13 Oct 2016 04:12:17 GMT

Hey James

i like my Psychiatrist but I'm not as comfortable talking to him. When I researched irrational thinking it explained the terms I learnt in CBT, catastraphising, overthinking, etc then I got it. I see a new Psychologist next week, just made an appointment and she does DBT so fingers crossed. I've made great progress since I started seeing my Psychiatrist though, and I trust him but I'd rather talk to the Psychologist.

i already have my cert IV massage so the course is 3 days a week, will be good. The TAFE was 3 days a week for a year! So this is better!

I hope your move goes well and you like your new place. I don't have much stuff, I find the most amount of stuff is books! I'll be donating some away.

Im starting Lite N Easy, I've packed on the weight since starting new meds in January and I really want to lose it.

The house is for auction in 2 weeks, exciting times ahead. I can't wait for the move.

Which state do you live in James? I'm in Melbourn.

I hope your weeks getting better 😃

deb

BPD - childlike

james1 — Fri, 14 Oct 2016 00:44:16 GMT

Hey deb

Ah, that makes sense.Yes, sometimes i find it can help to know the terms so you can explain them better to doctors. I'm glad you've been making progress.

Ahaha I've always been a borrower so I don't have many books thankfully. We've been donating lots of stuff - old clothes and the like - so I don't think I'll have much to move 🙂

Oh that's so much healthier than me, haha. I have been eating lots of instant noodles from a cup, because I can't bother to cook and it's too much effort even to wash the pot and bowl 😕

I'm in Sydney 🙂 I went to Melb earlier this year to go to the grampians. Have you been out that way? I love the hikes there.

James

BPD - childlike

spunkyturtle — Fri, 14 Oct 2016 09:31:03 GMT

Can't say I have been to the Grampians, James. I was just talking to a friend about going up to Thredbo for a few days and claiming the summit of mt Kosciusko, it's on my bucket list. Would be nice to spend a few days bushwalking and try out white water rafting. I am betting she won't come, I may just go on my own. Would be nice to get away for a few days. So nice to start having some warmer weather!

Ive started to write a list of goals for next year, and have been writing a list of the things I achieved this year. Kinda exciting. Still time to add more to the 2016 list! The year is going so fast!

Deb

BPD - childlike

GuestYD — Sat, 15 Oct 2016 10:28:57 GMT

I totally relate to the childlike element of BPD. My emotions can be so over the top and I can be really impulsive. It's a hard space to be in and as mentioned you have the awareness that you aren't acting like an adult.

Good luck with your new psychologist. I said to James in another thread that DBT was a struggle for me in the group setting, so you might find it better with a psychologist. There are so many skills to learn. The best technique I learnt was a distress tolerance one where you put cold water on your head, lent over and held your breath triggering a mammalian dive response and so your entire body slowed down. Good tip for when you get really distressed.

Take care

BPD - childlike

spunkyturtle — Sun, 16 Oct 2016 09:17:17 GMT

So glad you said that Cavvie, Thank you!

BPD - childlike

james1 — Sun, 16 Oct 2016 23:04:41 GMT

Hey deb,

I went up the summit of Mt Kos in Autumn this year 🙂 I went alone and walked from Charlotte's Pass, so I did the full circuit. I camped near a creek on a hill and watched the sunset and then got up in the morning to see the sunrise from Mt Kos.

It is amazing.

I cannot emphasise just how nice it is to get away and be out in the open air, and Mt Kos National Park is stunning. It's also very safe because there are lots of people, but you might want to be careful of snakes in the warmer weather!

I love your idea of writing down a list of things. I've done that too 🙂 I struggle a lot with identity issues so it helps me to write down stuff that I'd consider doing. What's your biggest one for the rest of 2016? Mine is to get my motorbike licence (in 2 weeks!) and get comfortable riding longer distances.

James

BPD - childlike

spunkyturtle — Mon, 17 Oct 2016 07:12:13 GMT

OMG so exciting James!!!!! A few days in the open air will be great!

I did the pre motor bike licence course in 2014, I like to try new things. They said I could get my licence but I couldn't see myself actually buying a bike, so I didn't do it. That's an awesome goal!

OMG I'm realising how big my identity issues are. I'm just waiting to finalise this AAT case against the Education Department, I've been told if I'm not happy with the outcome I can apply to the Minister of Finance and it will be based on morals not law. Although that's all out of my hands.

Im so confused right now. With everything that's happened with my remission of HECS debt, I want to help people. So this little voice is telling me to finish my health sciences degree majoring in Psychology, then a 2 years Masters Degree and I'm a clinical Psychologist. Although in March I have the 4 month Diploma of Remedial Massage ourse then I'm a remedial massage therapist and I can work for myself, earn money. Also, I did the Diploma of Accounting last year and Federation University gave me 9 credit points towards the Accounting Degree, so only 15 subjects to go and I'm an Accountant. OMG if they want me to testify for this AAT case and expect rational answers, they won't get any, uggghhhhhh then I'm frustrated because I've put on weight from the meds and I'd do anything to go to a health retreat, it's on special $6,000 for 4 weeks! Now that's a cheap holiday!! I wish I could just get a loan or have a rich uncle to loan me the money. So frustrating and I'm getting sick of using that word ha ha ha

My parents house goes up for auction on the 29th, so a lot is depending on that. I'm sure Dad will lend me the $6,000 once he has it. Of course they will move to Bendigo then I need to find a room to rent near this course, because it's not done out there.

I sent my expression of interest to mates4mates to hike the Kokoda trail in PNG in May next year, won't find out if I'm chosen until after December 1. That is an amazing opportunity and goal for next year!!

The climb mt. Kosi will be a great goal to do before Christmas. See how we go. Wow, that's a huge ramble hahaha thanks for talking to me James.

BPD - childlike

james1 — Tue, 18 Oct 2016 00:25:43 GMT

Oh I'm super excited about buying a bike, haha. I've always wanted one and probably a fun sports bike. I initially thought about getting a scooter instead. What stopped you from buying the bike? You just couldn't see yourself riding one?

Sorry what's AAT?

Oh man that's a lot of different career paths you have there, haha. I'm just glad I was forced to stick it out with one, because I'm really similar - in banking, but at various times I've swapped goals to become a clinical psychologist, a neuroscientist, a high school teacher, an economics academic, a full time writer and a musician. So I'm really glad I never ended up doing courses in each and racking up a debt 😕 That sounds like a real bum. But at least you can say you're multi-talented 🙂

I don't know mates4mates. I know the Cancer Council is also running a Kokoda Trail walk next year. You could look into that as well 🙂 You'll have to let us know if you get picked. I'd love to do the Kokoda one day - it sounds really tough! Have you done much hiking? I've heard Tasmania's Overland Track is really good, and NZ is amazing!

Hmm...I will see if I can find some photos from Mt Kos and put it up on my profile picture 🙂 It is a seriously wonderful walk and if you do it in Spring, I'm told there are heaps of wildflowers so as long as you're not hayfever-prone, you'll be okay, haha.

Oh no, it's lovely to talk to you! There's so much excitement about all these things, haha. I guess that's our inner child coming out eh? For me, just an insatiable curiousity about everything.

BPD - childlike

spunkyturtle — Tue, 18 Oct 2016 05:12:06 GMT

James!

Well done on sticking to one career! Last year I was told I could apply for remission of debt and have my HECS debt removed. I wondered if I could apply for previous studies too that I'd failed. I had $63,000 HECS debt and only 9 units passed to show for it, about $10,000. I applied to 6 Universities myself and 4 Universities removed $27,800 of HECS debt, it's now down to $31,400. Two Universities I'm taking to the Administrative Tribunal AAT. I have a law firm helping pro bono to get the last $16,000 debt removed. I'm done being a push over when it comes to my mental health and I'm fighting back and winning!!

Mates4mates is an organisation who helps ex serving members of defence, I went kayaking around the Whitsundays with them last year, was amazing!!

I didn't like the idea of riding a motorcycle on the roads, at least with a car you're protected. So then I just decided not to get the licence.

Cant wait to see your Kosi photos! I start with a new Psychologist Thursday so hoping that will help with my identity issues. I know what you mean about the curiosity, something interests me and then I want to major in it and get a masters degree, just have to know everything haha

i haven't done much hiking but the little I've done I enjoyed. It's refreshing for the soul. We did a 2 day hike at wilsons prom in 2007, was amazing!!!!!!

Happy Tuesday!!

Deb

BPD - childlike

james1 — Tue, 18 Oct 2016 23:18:13 GMT

Hey Deb,

oh damn that's a big debt to rack up! That's awesome that you're fighting to get it reduced though and it sounds like you're doing well on that front 🙂 good on you! I'm always too scared to challenge these types of things. a guy pushes into the line and i just meekly stand to the side, haha. sometimes, i'll be lining up for maccas, and then someone will make a new line (instead of lining up behind), and rather than confront them i'll just meekly walk away. it's kind of lame 😕

Oh that sounds brilliant. How did you get into it? I love kayaking and really want to get my own kayak some day 🙂

I tried to put one up so it'll come up soon, but it's very small and only a section of the actual image 😕 i'll see if i can think of a better way to show them. burt the one which is going to come up is where I camped for the night and the colours are the sunset. it's this nice grassy part of a hill which dips into two valleys with creeks at the bottom. because it was winter and super cold (4 degrees), there was only me and one other tent there. it was amazing. and the stars!! i love stars. maybe i'll put a picture of up stars when i went to uluru.

Oh that's exciting about the new psych. a bit scary though? do you know how you want the first session to pan out? haha yes. I just want to study the heck out of my interests, and then i realise i have no time. or my attention changes.

Happy wednesday 🙂 sorry, i got home yesterday and just crashed, haha.

James

BPD - childlike

spunkyturtle — Wed, 19 Oct 2016 07:24:01 GMT

Oh that photo is awesome! I'll have to add some photos from the Whitsundays, oh I will be going back there for sure!!

I know what you mean, sometimes I just curl up and disappear other times I'll be aggressive and get what I want. It's always been harder though to fight for anything when my health is involved. It's only since I've been seeing my Psychiatrist and the meds have fixed me up, well made me more functionable and now I can fight for my rights. Next step I may need to testify in a hearing. So not looking forward to that. Stupid lawyers wanting rational answers to irrational behaviour, if I was held to that standard all the time I'd be in prison for life! Even I look back and wonder why I did the things I did Hahahaha

I signed up to mate4mates, I was medically discharged so eligible for their rehab services. Then I got chosen to go kayaking, all expenses paid. Amazing stuff. I've applied to go and do the Kokoda trek in PNG in May, we will see if I get chosen or not.

I started a DBT pre group, 8 weeks course to see if you do the 12 month course and I didn't last long so I'm hoping this Psychologist is good and we can do some DBT. I just miss having someone to talk to. I was doing group therapy, an exercise group and we had a good little group going, and the exercise physiologist left. It really effected me missing that one day a week and I saw last week and yesterday how much it's effected the others, it's so hard to see others that you've formed a connection with struggling and to know you can't do anything to help.

I swear James, in our next lives we will come back and sexy blonde women with smoking hot bodies and we will never have to pay for anything or be alone again ha ha ha

i enjoy talking to you James. This is great 😃 Hope you had a great day!

Deb

BPD - childlike

james1 — Wed, 19 Oct 2016 23:17:52 GMT

Oh I'd love to see the photos 🙂 I've never been there, but I've heard it's really pretty. I used to do snorkelling and I've got an open water diving certification, so I'd like to get there some time.

Oh geez, testify in a hearing? That sounds really scary. Hahahaha rational answers to irrational behaviour. Yes. Every time I explain, after the fact, why I did something, people always say, "But...that doesn't make sense." And I'm like, "Yeah, I know." They don't really get it, and frankly neither do I, but there's a bit in my head which goes, "Getting angry and hurting myself to spite someone else is totally the right thing! That'll teach them while they eat dinner oblivious to my pain! Suckers!" Or is that just me? hahaha.

Oh were you a member of the defence force previously? That's awesome. I imagine you'd be very fit. I've heard Kokoda is very tough (people even die from disease!!) and everyone gets sick, haha.

Oh my gosh, there's a 12 month course? I couldn't do that. The commitment level is crazy. Oh that sucks about the exercise physiology group. So when you saw the group again yesterday, was it just self-organised or has a new physiologist started? It sounds like you really like having the group support aspect of these sessions. I'd really struggle I think. I'm always trying to be someone else and moulding myself to fit others, so group situations are really difficult for me.

Hahahahaha. I rage so much at beautiful charismatic people. Why can't I be more like you?? But personally, I'd rather be a husky in my next life. Only three goals in life: protect owner, look threatening, wag fluffy tail.

I like talking to you too Deb 🙂 I'm at work and I even made it in early today! 9:15 instead of my usual 9:45, when everyone else gets in at around 8:30. Come work colleagues. Bathe in the light of my success, haha.