topic MajorDepression, BPD and Psi-Vampire- I want my self back in Depression

MajorDepression, BPD and Psi-Vampire- I want my self back

LaurenH — Mon, 30 May 2016 05:37:17 GMT

Hi all,

My name is Lauren- 24years age and I have been coping with anxiety/major depression for 8 years and recently been diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder. I'm tired and confused often and my mind has become less-resiliant. Connecting to thought/feelings/body is something I keep trying to do because I'm starting to attack others psychically for energy. It has been a big year already (doctors,psychiatrists,case workers). I don't want to harm others (psychic attacking). I would like to be in control of my life/ body/ thoughts/ energy. Right now I'm struggling on a daily basis. Feels pointless. It's shameful for me to be out in public (even though no-one would notice) I come across with a very soft demeanour. My heads just above water. I need help.

MajorDepression, BPD and Psi-Vampire- I want my self back

Paul — Mon, 30 May 2016 08:59:39 GMT

Hi Lauren,

Welcome to BeyondBlue forums.

Living with any mental illness is challenging, You must be a really strong woman to keep holding on with anxiety/depression and now borderline I admire that.

Borderline can be so tiring and confusing, especially if it is undiagnosed. Now that you have a diagnosis it makes it much easier to start managing things and staying well and it sounds like you have a team of professionals looking after you.

Can you describe for us what it's like being out in public? You mentioned your very soft demeanour, but it's hard not to attack people psychicly. Is this the main cause you you feeling like it's difficult to cope?

Hope to hear from you soon and thanks for visiting and sharing your story.

Paul

MajorDepression, BPD and Psi-Vampire- I want my self back

LaurenH — Mon, 30 May 2016 11:31:36 GMT

Hi Paul,

Psychically attacking people has made getting better more difficult. I know it's not answer to getting better/ stronger in self. I plan to start the Prescence Process by Michael Brown. The exhaustion may decrease which would be a Godsend.

Thankyou for the reply.

Lauren.

MajorDepression, BPD and Psi-Vampire- I want my self back

White_Rose — Mon, 30 May 2016 15:06:20 GMT

Hello Lauren

Welcome back, it's nice to hear from you again. We spoke about a year ago on mindfulness. Are you still practicing that?

You wrote I'm starting to attack others psychically for energy. I wonder if you could explain that to me as I am unsure what it means.

It's useful to be able to name the illness that is making you so unhappy. Do you feel this is true for you? I understand the feeling of being ashamed and not wanting to be with others. I think this happens to us at times no matter what illness we have.

You have had a huge struggle so far. When you wrote in before I know you were finding it difficult to manage on a daily basis but when you look back you can reassure yourself that you can hang on until you have learned to manage. I am sorry you are still struggling but it shows you have great strength to keep going.

I have not heard of the Presence Process before. Are you working on this with your psychologist?

That feeling of not being in control of your body and/or mind can be very scary. You mentioned last time that you had been trialing different medications. Have any of these helped you at all? Meds can be very helpful in giving you stability in order to work on the different areas of your life. Are you still working? When we last spoke you had returned to live with your mother. Are you still there? It is good to be with someone who cares about you and can help when you feel down.

You said you have been working with a team of mental health professionals and I wonder if you now one or more regular psychologists or psychiatrists to help you. When you can focus on healing and working with people you get to know it will be a huge help. I would like to continue talking with you, so please continue to write in.

If you want to talk about anything specifically let us know.

Mary

MajorDepression, BPD and Psi-Vampire- I want my self back

LaurenH — Tue, 31 May 2016 21:07:57 GMT

Hi Mary,

Psych vampire, I am basically stealing other peoples energy to survive. It is a possible practice but something which isn't going to help me in long run. I'm so depressed I don't even want to feel that depression.

MajorDepression, BPD and Psi-Vampire- I want my self back

White_Rose — Tue, 31 May 2016 22:05:02 GMT

Lauren, when you are feeling particularly down and helpless it's good to have someone to help and support you. You are depressed and have discovered you have a mental illness. The depression is part of BPD. All of this will make you feel tired. We all feel this exhaustion when we go through a bad time. Who do you have in your life to support you? I asked if you are living with your mom because I wanted to know how much support you have. So do you live with your mom or anyone else? Who else is in your support circle?

How are you going with the Prescence Process? Are you trying this on your own or with a mental health expert to guide you? There are many self help books available but usually it is better to work with someone as it's difficult to assess ourselves. By the nature of depression we are prone to put ourselves down, and looking at ourselves objectively is also hard.

Can you bring me up to date on what you are doing these days. I wonder if you are still working or if the exhaustion prevents this. When we are depressed it's so hard to get out of bed and go to work. The irony is that we often feel so much better for getting up and dresses to go out. You said it was shameful for you to go out. Is this because you will steal the energy of others? Or is there another reason?

This is a shame because being in the fresh and walking are both so good to help lift the depression. We absorb so much goodness from the sun on our skin. Perhaps you go for a walk in a local park where you are less likely to meet people.

I see what you mean about stealing the energy of others being bad for you. You need to develop your own way to become refreshed and energized, which is why I suggested walking. Can you manage to do a bit of exercise at your home? Try walking round the garden a couple of times and making a point of noticing each plant and how it grows. This may also help you to regain some calmness of thinking and maybe you can start practicing mindfulness again.

Why not use BB as a journal to record your daily happenings. You will also have the responses of others to add to the journal.

Mary

MajorDepression, BPD and Psi-Vampire- I want my self back

Just Sara — Wed, 01 Jun 2016 03:23:33 GMT

Welcome Lauren to our wonderful community at BB;

It sounds as if you're having quite a confusing time of it. I understand about psychic energy and how it may seem like you're 'stealing' that energy. I don't know if you've met anyone else who's had this issue to deal with, but I'm one. I hinted to family about my situation, but there was little comprehension and this made me feel very isolated. So I stayed silent and handled it on my own. The worst part for me was not feeling in control and able to 'switch' it off. When it was at its worst, I was like a frightened child who thought I was evil. I wasn't Lauren, and you're not a bad person either.

You are so courageous to come out with this info. So please believe me, I understand and care a great deal about what you're going through.

Psychic attack is a 'new age' term, but considering we don't really have a 'language' for this stuff yet, it's adequate I suppose. I am willing to share my knowledge, but will need you to engage with me and ask specific questions. It would be invasive and inappropriate for me to guess the details of what you're trying to cope with; you've expressed a very complex set of symptoms and diagnosis'.

Rose inspires with heart warming support. Please take her advice and keep in contact as she obviously understands the holistic approach to mental health and being kind and forgiving towards yourself. She is a genuinely caring and loving person; take it from me, her encouragement helped to clear the negativity when it hit my world. Her beautiful words have such positive power. Reading Rose's words to you has inspired me to speak up and 'out' myself. This is difficult, as I've never spoken of it prior to this post.

I am a mature and grounded woman from 20 years of experience re this subject. I never thought in a million yrs I'd ever get a chance to pass on what I've learned. Thinking my pain and effort could be valuable to another, is inspiring for me. It seems we both have an opportunity to help each other.

I'll continue to check this thread for your decision. Know there is a scientific and biological explanation. It's not all new age mumbo jumbo. Ok?

Take care...Dizzy

MajorDepression, BPD and Psi-Vampire- I want my self back

Just Sara — Wed, 01 Jun 2016 03:25:50 GMT

So sorry Mary...I called you Rose.

Dizzy x

MajorDepression, BPD and Psi-Vampire- I want my self back

White_Rose — Wed, 01 Jun 2016 10:35:56 GMT

Dear Dizzy

I have been called many things in my life, so Rose instead of Mary actually is an improvement. I am gobsmacked by your lovely words about me. I always wonder if I have the words to help because there is no other way to communicate on the forum. Thank you very much for your affirmation. It made my day.

Mary (Rose)

MajorDepression, BPD and Psi-Vampire- I want my self back

White_Rose — Wed, 01 Jun 2016 11:21:39 GMT

Dear Lauren and Dizzy

I am so pleased you are in contact with each other. I hope you can talk about your respective difficulties and perhaps together you can find a solution. At least you know you are not alone. From re-reading my posts I see I have made a few typos. So if my words sound weird it's because my brain works faster than my fingers but forgets to go back and check. Well that's my story.

Dizzy, do you see a psychologist or psychiatrist these days? And if you do, is it helpful? Lauren, you say you have a team of psychs, is this helpful top you in managing this area of your life. I think when any of us have major difficulties in our lives such as those you describe, having a mental health professional working with you is important.

I won't write much now but I hope you will both continue to write in here.

Mary

MajorDepression, BPD and Psi-Vampire- I want my self back

Just Sara — Thu, 02 Jun 2016 01:07:36 GMT

Dear Mary;

I appreciate your response and reiterate how lovely you express yourself. It's a breath of fresh air to read in this place of solace for people such as myself.

I've been seeing a wonderful psychologist for nearly 2 yrs and have been diagnosed by a psychiatrist as having Chronic PTSD and adjustment disorder. My GP is great and has supported me for many years. I've been one of the lucky one's to have an affective medication plan that is integral in achieving a good quality of life. So please don't worry, I manage my off periods well.

I'm concerned Lauren won't reply. There's a chance she may need intensive psychological or psychiatric support and may not have access to this site. I'm also concerned she may not take me up on my offer for personal reasons. As we all know, asking for help can be difficult sometimes. Even though this forum is anonymous, exposing our inner selves takes courage and insight; but mostly a willingness to help ourselves.

Lauren, if you're reading this, know I'm here to help in any way I can. Evolution of humans and our neurological process' seems to have escalated due to the plethora of chemicals we breath and consume; it interferes with our biological hormones and brain chemistry. It's also due to the amount of psychological support and self help books/info that seems to be opening us up to our trauma's which was once locked away in secret as a matter of normality. However, the misinformation out there can play havoc with our beliefs and cause self destructive behaviours and confusion, as well as invasive thoughts that cause us to doubt who we are and what we should do.

My focus here is to help you, nothing more.

Take care...Dizzy x

MajorDepression, BPD and Psi-Vampire- I want my self back

White_Rose — Thu, 02 Jun 2016 06:34:17 GMT

Hello Dizzy

I agree with you on everything you have said (especially the nice things about me, smile). I wish I could get the hang of those emoticons.

Lauren, if you read this would you please post in again. We are here to support and help as much as possible. This is our only avenue of contact, which is why it's a safe place to post, but makes helping you a bit limited. Both Dizzy and I look forward to hearing from you again.

Dizzy, if Lauren does not respond then unfortunately we can do nothing more. While people have to give their details to BB when registering to post, these details are not available to anyone. So sadly, the ball is in Lauren's court. If you would like to continue posting here or on another thread, please do so.

I am so pleased you have such a great support team and feel you are doing well. Congratulations.

Mary

MajorDepression, BPD and Psi-Vampire- I want my self back

Just Sara — Thu, 02 Jun 2016 21:28:09 GMT

Good morning Mary;

You're so humble Ha Ha. (especially the nice things about me, smile) But really, I agree with everything you've said also. I hope Lauren is getting the help she needs. All we can do, is hope.

Thanks for the congrat's. You sound as if you're doing well too; kudos!

Take care...Dizzy x

MajorDepression, BPD and Psi-Vampire- I want my self back

LaurenH — Sat, 04 Jun 2016 10:37:31 GMT

Hi Dizzy and Mary,

I'm at a support home (transitional) home at the moment, living there. It is difficult on a daily basis to handle my thoughts/ feelings. I have searched (googled) internet on many illnesses (Complex PTSD, BPD, Psychic Vampire ( which I am believing I am evil), even psychopath/ sociopath). My diagnosises are Anxiety, Depression, BPD.

What I find is when I attack someone Psychically my mind vanishes. I am no better off.

A traumatic experience keeps coming into my mind - why I have stopped feeling (body.. Happened when I was 7 or 8 I was so scared.. I'm trying to reach that 'child' to comfort her, ensure she is safe.

I have told the support workers where I live I'm not going well still.

Sorry for late replying. I appreciate your support feedback.

Lauren 🙂

MajorDepression, BPD and Psi-Vampire- I want my self back

Just Sara — Sat, 04 Jun 2016 11:17:44 GMT

I'm so glad you've come back to us Lauren;

You've mentioned a very important issue - remembering a childhood trauma. Trauma causes so many different responses. I was fine for decades until I was triggered by a situation that mimicked trauma's experienced by me growing up. I thought I was crazy! I fell to psychiatric pieces. It was so difficult to get through each day until I found some medication that suited me and a great psychologist. That gave me the break I needed to begin my recovery process.

I'm glad you have support and hope the transition house is comfortable. I'd like to think they have a nice garden for you or are close to some nature spots for recharging and relaxation.

A nice way to 'ground' and get back in touch with your body, is to dig in the dirt/garden or maybe get a stick and draw in the sand/dirt. Even washing up can help - being in water and using your hands to do something automatic. It gives you time away from your thoughts, and this gives the brain a break. That's how it recharges; that and sleep. I hope you're sleeping.

Have you read my posts to you above? I'd like to assist with the energy stealing stuff. Only if you want to though.

I'll check each day for your posts ok? I'm here for you...Dizzy x

MajorDepression, BPD and Psi-Vampire- I want my self back

White_Rose — Sat, 04 Jun 2016 11:36:36 GMT

Hello Lauren

Lovely to hear from you again. It's good to know you are somewhere safe and being cared for. I know it's hard when you are in so much pain and cannot see any way out or believe you will get well again.

Can you tell us about your traumatic experience or would it be too painful? Only do what you are comfortable with. Reaching the lost, scared and bewildered child inside you is such a necessary thing to do and I know you will be able to reassure her eventually

Meanwhile, can you talk to Dizzy and ask her any questions you may have about psychically attacking people. If you can do this it would help me to understand where you are.

I see you are questioning if you are a psychopath or sociopath. We can fill our minds with all sorts of horror stories and become paralyzed with fright by the thought of what we might be. First of all your psychiatrist has not given you this diagnosis. You have enough on your plate without adding gratuitous illnesses. Secondly, If we look hard enough we can always find symptoms in ourselves of just about any disease or illness going.

How are you going with your book on Prescence Process? I hope you are finding it useful. What other activities do you have during the day? Now that you know you have BPD are you receiving any specific treatment for this? I understand that DBT (dialectical behaviour therapy) is useful here. Other than the name I don't know much about this form of therapy. You could try goggling this.

Please continue to write in. Have you thought about my suggestion of writing about your activities here at BB?

Mary

MajorDepression, BPD and Psi-Vampire- I want my self back

LaurenH — Sat, 04 Jun 2016 21:34:24 GMT

Hi Dizzy,

I read your posts above. Could you tell me a bit more about it and your experience?

I'm not helping myself myself by doing this. I hate myself so much I'm doing this to others.

Thank you for your ideas (nature ect)

Kind Regards,

Lauren

MajorDepression, BPD and Psi-Vampire- I want my self back

LaurenH — Sat, 04 Jun 2016 21:46:00 GMT

Hi Mary,

I'm still confused lost. I rarely feeling connected with myself. Most of time I feel like I'm intellectualizing these idea, not experiencing them. I haven't started on the Prescence Process. I find I am just managing my other symptoms (not showing anger), not stealing other peoples energy.

I'm hurting, afraid I'm not going to make it (I'm meant to die)

I'm scared.

MajorDepression, BPD and Psi-Vampire- I want my self back

LaurenH — Sat, 04 Jun 2016 21:52:36 GMT

Mary, I did forget to mention. Dad was yelling at me, I was scared. I can't get clear image yet.

I need to see someone (specialised)

Thankyou,

Lauren

MajorDepression, BPD and Psi-Vampire- I want my self back

White_Rose — Sun, 05 Jun 2016 00:30:18 GMT

Lauren, who are your medical team. A psychologist, psychiatrist, counselor? It's important you get this help. Who is helping you, anybody?

I know you said it was difficult to do, but can you try mindfulness again, or perhaps a short time meditating. I feel the more you can concentrate on the good things in life the less time you will spend on the not-so-good.

Do you know why your dad was yelling at you? It must have been a huge event to make this memory so vivid after all this time. I don't know what your team is doing for you so I may be repeating their suggestions. Can you write down all the thoughts and feelings you are experiencing? I did suggest a journal but if that is too hard to write every day, perhaps you can down what happens when you have one of these episodes.

Also try to record the good stuff and go back and read it. The feeling of not being connected to yourself is part of the BPD. I hope your doctor explained all about this disorder and how it affects you.

Why do you hate yourself? I know that at times we all feel ashamed of something we have done, or perhaps not done. This is a normal process and helps us to be better people. But you seem to dislike yourself in a more general fashion. It's not good to constantly tell yourself you are bad. No one is ever that bad. Can write down some of the good things you do and post here. It may be as simple as planting a flower, talking to someone and cheering them up, fetching a cuppa for someone. All these things show you are an ordinary person who still cares about others and nature.

Dizzy suggested you spend time in the garden. I find that a great place to relax. I sit in my chair and just watch nature at work. I have written a piece of Haiku poetry for you. It is the shortest poetry in the world, just three lines. As you read it imagine yourself, or go and sit in the garden in these arms.

Nature surrounds me.
I am cradled in her arms.
I am at peace here.

Dear Lauren, please take great care of yourself.

Mary