topic Feeling limited by bipolar disorder in Depression

Feeling limited by bipolar disorder

Loula — Mon, 18 Jul 2016 14:06:14 GMT

Does anyone feel limited by their mental disorder?

I have bipolar and feel very limited due to it. I find that I always need to be in my head when I'm with people so I act in a normal behaviour so they don't suspect I'm not well. I find when I'm going on a high or a low I tend to hide myself from people. Well actually on a high I just be friend strangers because I don't care what they think lol!

I find that I'm struggling with work and the hours and that I'm not going to advance in it. I find myself taking lots of toilet breaks so I can breath. I'm worried if I do get a promotion I will snap and the be known as the girl with the mental illness.

I find I can't have a hobby or study because I get so board and distracted easily. One day I want to plan events the next day I want to be a doctor.

I'm just really over zero stability and having to really be in my head and watch all my steps making sure I'm healthy. I just wish I could live life with out this annoying thing.

Feeling limited by bipolar disorder

james1 — Tue, 19 Jul 2016 00:48:23 GMT

Hi Loula,

That sounds really exhausting to be in your position.

I’ve been seeing a psychologist for various symptoms of borderline personality disorder and I also feel limited by it. I understand what you mean when you say you always feel like you need to be in your head because it’s scary to think what other people might say or do if they knew. And it’s probably an irrational thought, but that’s just how I feel.

Have you been able to tell anyone at work? I think if you find the right people, it is worthwhile just being honest. For example, when I broached it with my manager I basically said I have been seeing a psychologist but I don’t expect it to affect my work. So the agreement is that he won’t change the way he gives me work, and I will tell him if I do feel like I need time off or something. And that’s nice to know that someone accepts me for who I am, but also trusts me to be responsible for it. He actually told me that his wife had suffered from depression so he knows what that was like for her.

Does your work offer counselling services? That can help as well from a “how do I manage this at work” perspective.

I hope you feel comfortable posting here when you’re ready.

James

Feeling limited by bipolar disorder

Airies — Tue, 19 Jul 2016 03:11:46 GMT

Hi Loula,

only last year was I diagnosed with type 1 bipolar with a previous diagnosis of ADHD. I've ceased work due to my failing physical and mental health. I've told a few people close to me and my family are supportive. Unfortunatelly the work environment I was in was a suck it up mentality.I,,hope you find some treatment and counselling that works for you. Keep on persevering 🙂

Feeling limited by bipolar disorder

Loula — Tue, 19 Jul 2016 04:33:57 GMT

Hi James Thank You for your reply.

I'm glad but also not glad that someone understands what's it like to be in your head all the time and trying not to show your differences.

Im glad you had a positive reaction at your work place. No I haven't told anyone at work and planning not to. On my application form it asked if I had a mental illness and I just stared at it for hours thinking omg this is going to impact me for the rest of my life. So I decided to tick the no section as it has never effected me at work. But then again I worked causal and could control my hours and now I can't. I work in a nice environment but it's very gossipy and word gets around and I'm very personal.

The work place does offer outside work services for mental illness but I'm just not ready to go down that path.

Feeling limited by bipolar disorder

james1 — Tue, 19 Jul 2016 06:08:51 GMT

Hi Loula,

It is very sad that mental health is still treated as taboo topics in certain workplaces and even unacceptable in others. For people suffering, it’s a very real pain that is too easily dismissed.

My workplace has an anonymous Employee Assistance Program (or something like that) which basically offers 6 free counselling sessions per year. I gave them a call before and even though it wasn’t going to help with my long term problem, I did find it helped just in the short term to give me perspective. I still feel terrible, but it was nice to know that someone knew I felt terrible.

I completely respect your privacy and decision. There are a lot of people I have ruled out talking to, even though others tell me I should. If you do feel like sharing your concerns about engaging with work’s mental health partners, or your current coping methods while at work, I’d love to hear them as I’m also finding it really hard to stay mentally “in it” while at work. I keep having to take breaks and go for walks (which is probably not a bad thing fitness-wise!).

James

Feeling limited by bipolar disorder

Loula — Tue, 19 Jul 2016 10:05:39 GMT

My work place has the free sessions as well. The joy of being in a big company. I don't think if I told the big bosses it would be taboo thing thankfully. But I know they will be monitoring me and treat me different and not giving me the tuff take of course stuff leaks out at work and just being blunt there are some cows at work I don't want knowing my business.

I know a lot will ever think "bipolar she's crazy"! Or "oh I understand that I was depressed once" and try and help me and it's like yer you had a week of sadness you got zero clue! Why do people with really no mental issues think they have it and can relate to us and help us? Drives me insane. Sorry random rant!

For mr to get through work I need my bathroom breaks and breathing. I need that minuet to calm myself down through out the day. I also don't look at the full day, I just look at the tasks one at a time so I don't get over whelmed. I also keep busy so if I got no more tasks I clean. I'm known as a cleaning freak. I just keep busy not to get in my mind. I also call my partner or text my friends through out the day. I'm not meant to but I don't care, it's a distraction that only keeps me from my work for a few seconds and keeps me semi human.

Feeling limited by bipolar disorder

james1 — Wed, 20 Jul 2016 00:53:08 GMT

Hi Loula,

It sounds like you’ve got some good techniques of coping during the day and that’s really positive. I also try to contact people during the day if I feel myself spiralling a bit and I feel guilty, but it helps.

You said before that you’re afraid that if you get a promotion you’ll snap. May I ask what it is you’re worried about, and would you take a promotion if it was offered? It sounds a little bit like you’re just feeling overwhelmed already by your current responsibilities.

I think understand what you mean about the frustration with “normal” people thinking they can relate. My pet hates are: “Don’t worry, you’ll get over it” and “Everyone puts on a work face, so don’t feel alone”. Those kinds of comments just make me want to scream, “You just don’t get it!” All I want is for people to say, “Yes, I can see that you’re in pain. I am here, as I always have been, because you’re my friend. And I’ll treat you like any of my other friends – call me if you need to.” Or just a hug. That would be nice too.

James

Feeling limited by bipolar disorder

Kazzl — Wed, 20 Jul 2016 10:23:53 GMT

Oh I so need to join this discussion! Hi Loula! Thank you for this thread and for explaining so well what it's like to have to 'be in your head' constantly and watch your behaviour, and to that I would add question every idea you have or plan you make, wonder whether you said the right thing, was I too full-on, too pushy, too loud, too everything!

I have bipolar 2, diagnosed a few months ago after 15 years of being treated for clinical depression. Of course I've always been bipolar, I just didn't know. And I self-medicated in a big way with alcohol for a long time and blamed what I now know was hypomania on the booze.

I relate to everything you, James and Igbran have described - and yes, it's limiting and it's exhausting. I wish my brain had an off switch or a pause button, just for a while! And what you said about people who have no clue thinking they can relate is soooo true - and sadly they seem to populate HR departments in our workplaces! Infuriates me! And me infuriated isn't pretty.

I'm in danger of ranting, so back on topic - Loula are you having treatment? If so how is it going for you? Is it possible it might need some adjustments if you're struggling more than usual at the moment?

About the workplace - I am open about the fact that I live with mental health issues, but careful about who I tell about bipolar (it's very misunderstood). When I do tell people I explain that it is a genetic medical condition that affects brain chemistry. It is entirely your decision who and how you tell; I think it comes down to the likely reaction of the individuals you work with, and you know them best.

Re the racing mind and constant distraction at work, I have started listening to calming music through earphones. There's loads of music for concentration, study, focus etc on youtube. I would have once been skeptical about their effectiveness but I've discovered they actually work for me - they seem to block out the other noise in my head so I can actually concentrate.

Finally - I have found some good resources online, including an excellent blogger who writes in a non-clinical way about bipolar (she has bipolar 2). If you google Natasha Tracy or Bipolar Burble you'll find her. There's also a couple of websites worth looking at - psychologytoday.com and psychcentral.com.

I have a thread on this board called This bipolar life - please feel free to drop in if you want.

Cheers

Kaz

PS: I befriend strangers too. Hey, we're just nice people! 😊

Feeling limited by bipolar disorder

Loula — Wed, 20 Jul 2016 15:30:54 GMT

I just love a hug and just a that sucks you got bipolar do you want to eat cake and watch tv. No lecture on their issues or people trying to fix me. Hello my mind is going a hundred miles an hour I'm trying to stay alive and I'm sorry but I got zero time for your issues. I feel bad saying that but sometimes I can't deal with other people's problems and I feel so guilty about it.

I feel so guilty about texting a work because I'm such a working girl but I'm like waste 5 minuets a day at work or be sick from work for weeks? I rather be naughty and text people.

Im not overwhelmed by my work tasks. I'm actually board by them and need a challenge. I like hard work that makes me tired. I like to better myself and become a mater at a difficult task. I'm just worried with more responsibility people will see me more and notice if I have an episode. I also know if I have a higher job and get ill i will be letting people down and I hate doing that. It's just annoying because I can generally do any task but when the bipolar acts up bad I'm useless and I hate it. It controls my life.

Feeling limited by bipolar disorder

Loula — Wed, 20 Jul 2016 15:39:44 GMT

Hi Kaz thank you for your post.

I was diganoused with bipolar last year after years of being diganoused with depression and anxiety. It sucks. I understand about the self meditating. To be honest I still am to calm my brain down.

Im not seeing anyone for my illness. I found it way to intense and I ended up in some life treating situations because of it. I just wasn't ready to accept my illness or go into my past and I'm still not. I'm also not on medication. I like my highs. I'm very anti something changing how I was designed. Sounds weird but that's just me.

Arnt people sometimes the worst? Does my head in.

Thats cool you can listen to music at work. Sadly I'm not allowed to. But on my lunch break I've decided to read a book so no one talks to me and I can give my batteries a recharge.

Feeling limited by bipolar disorder

blondguy — Wed, 20 Jul 2016 16:04:02 GMT

Hi Loula

I feel your pain with what you are going through. Whether its depression or bi-polar I feel the same as you do. I am not really that focused on the 'label' but I do 'get it'. It is a frustrating place to be in. I have had depression since 1995 and its a pain.

I think reading a book is a great re-charge. My regret was thinking I could get over this on my own..boy was I wrong. I am like you very much though as I love my highs big time. Just for me I couldnt cope with the mega lows that came with them.

I do admire your courage and pro-active mentality Loula

My kind thoughts

Paulx

Feeling limited by bipolar disorder

geoff — Wed, 20 Jul 2016 18:21:59 GMT

hi Loula, I replied to you yesterday but my comment didn't appear, however I can only try and answer your first sentence as there will be others who will be able to answer your questions about bipolar, but when we do have any mental illness it certainly puts a limit on what you want to do and what you are unable to do.
Lets say that we have a list as long as your arm on what have in mind to achieve, these could be small jobs, challenging jobs, interesting events or jobs that we need or have to do, but once depression hits us then firstly the jobs that needed to be done are put on hold, we just can't do them, so all the other ideas we think about, but they too aren't done.
Along with all of our negative thoughts we never feel confident in setting out to try or even do what we have been used to doing for the hobby we once loved, and feel as though anything we try and accomplish will only fail and that's why it's not done.
So to answer your question I would certainly say YES. Geoff. x

Feeling limited by bipolar disorder

Kazzl — Wed, 20 Jul 2016 21:05:18 GMT

Hi Loula, thanks for your response. Yes, I like the highs too (even if some people find me a bit full-on), and I am concerned about how medication will affect them, but my doctor tells me I'm not likely to lose them, so we'll see ... it's still early days for me on the medication. Trouble is I'm still rapid cycling (full cycle about every week or 10 days) so the highs are generally followed by a crash. Plus I can't control what type of high I get - the good fun ones or the angry, frustrated ones. Like you said, it's exhausting!

Sounds like you're high-functioning like me - we don't look or (mostly) behave like we're unwell. We go to work, do our jobs, function 'normally' but people don't see the effort that goes into that sometimes. Some days I'm fine and function like everyone else, other days it's a real struggle to keep my mind focused, calm, not obsess, not get distracted, not get angry over small things, not play all day ... it's like having to manage an unruly child in my head.

May I ask you how you coped with the diagnosis? Did it send you into a spin, thinking back to things you'd done in the past, going through the 'if only I'd known then ...' thing? I'm still struggling with that a bit, though it's getting a bit easier. Can't undo stuff eh?

Have you got any tips you'd like to share? I'm trying to find ways to stop 'trigger people' getting to me. Can't always avoid them unfortunately.

Sorry, I seem to have made this post all about me! Guess I don't have a lot of advice to give, but I hope just knowing others experience the same things you do might be a bit helpful. It is for me, helps me understand.

Hope to hear from you again hun - and hope you have a peaceful day.

Kaz

Feeling limited by bipolar disorder

Loula — Thu, 21 Jul 2016 09:46:40 GMT

Hi Kaz.
The angry/frustrated highs are the worst!!!! One thing I've found helpful through the highs is live them out constructively. When you got that energy don't ignore it use it other wise it turns against you fast and nasty. Well I find that for me. I would be known to be baking for 5 hours straight after midnight for weeks in a row. Neighbours and friends loved me. Who needs sleep!
Some people find the medication great. Some have to try a few to find the one and some just hate them like me. Everyone is different. Hopefully you find it works for you.
When I was diagnosed it didn't really send me into a spin because I was always boarderline it but I was a teen when I was diganoused with depression and he didn't want to say I was because hormones and that rubbish. So it wasn't really a suprise to me when I was diagnosed last year it was more to me a doomed sentence. I got very angry. I was very mad. The doctor says mine is chemical but also due to childhood traumar. So I felt life was just giving me more rubbish. I also stopped talking to lots of family as I blame them.
I then became very ashamed. I hate the stigma of it. I hate how the world precives it. I went into hiding for months and didn't see friends for months. I tried researching it and it mad me angry. I hate that im catogrised. I think that's a reason I don't take my meds. But I'm slowly coming to par it's part of me and one weird thing that has helped me is that a lot of creative famous people have bipolar and I love being creative. So I weirdly feel special about that. I'm a unique artist lol.
Dealing with people is the worse! My therapist is like you really just don't like people. I'm like nope, they are all the same living in a box I like out there people. He's like that explains why all your friends are older and artist and musicians. You need to be feed creative smart energy. You need to be entertained.

Feeling limited by bipolar disorder

Loula — Thu, 21 Jul 2016 09:47:23 GMT

1 way I've delt with people I'm assuming you are referring to telling people about having bipolar is that me and my partner sent our family and closest friends a text saying what has happen and why I've disappeared. We also sent them links on bipolar and asked them to read it even if they think they know what it is because come on what they think is wrong. We sent them ways to handle me if I'm going through an episode, a list of emergency contacts in case I get in my dangerous lows and also a support page for people who have friends and family with bipolar. We also stated that I'm a proud person and private and not to question me about it and I will bring it up with I'm ready. My husband also told his religious family it's not the devil and there's more to it then they think. The response was really good. Some where stupid but I braced my self for it.
To handld to poop poop heads I ever snap at them lol. Don't get me on a high angry mood. Or I do what every girl does and winge to them to a friend. My friends know there is not point trying to say the mean well. They know I need to vent so they vent with me. But then after the vent and when I'm calm I realise they mean well but they are dumb lol.

Feeling limited by bipolar disorder

Kazzl — Thu, 21 Jul 2016 21:30:07 GMT

Hi Loula, great response hun! Thank you! I'm off to work now but really want to read it again and respond tonight. I think you have a great attitude. And yes, we are creative souls (I looked up the list of famous people too haha).

Hope you have a good day hun, I'll try to check back in this evening.

Cheers

Kaz

Feeling limited by bipolar disorder

Airies — Fri, 22 Jul 2016 12:20:04 GMT

Hello Loula and Kazzl,

what great responses. Can relate can relate completely and I'm learning so much from your posts.im still learning so much about the disorder and about myself as well.im on a high at the moment have been for weeks after what has been the most hellish year of my life. Hope you both have a good day

cheers Len

Feeling limited by bipolar disorder

Airies — Fri, 22 Jul 2016 12:42:53 GMT

Wow I know without my meds id be flying. In the past I'd survive on a couple of hours sleep for days and function.Dont work anymore. I just can't. I struggle to manage my meds but some days I'm flying.This past year has been helish. I'm lucky to be here.At the moment on a high. Mood Diary is beneficial for me. I can be nice as pie to people yet barely tolerate my own flesh and blood. I hate that but am improving. Umm trying to find This bipolar life but to no success

Feeling limited by bipolar disorder

Loula — Fri, 22 Jul 2016 13:23:02 GMT

Hey I'm glad but no glad you can relate to this lol. I've decided to stop investigating the order because it seems life a death sentence to me. Makes me feel like my life is going to be about going high, low taking drugs, sleeping around and hurting people and myself. So I generally only come on to this pages to see if I can find someone that relates to an issue in going through to get help. I've figured out over the year that everyone's bipolar is different and we all got different ways to cope.

It can be so hellish. I went through my darkest year last year. Amazed to still be here. Yer I'm use to going over a month with only 3-4 hours sleep max a night. Still some how function but get violently sick.

Its rather hard doing this not on medication, well expect pain killers. I just am really in tune with myself and if I feel a change happening I become so protective of myself. I don't put myself in situations that make me worse. I come across to be as selfish but I know I'm doing what's right for me.

Last year I could only work 2 days a week. It was a struggle but I'm a working person I needed it to feel proud of myself.

I so can relate to you when you can be nice as pie to people but not to your self. People at work come up to me saying I'm the nicest person in the world and a joy to be around and on their bad days I always make them feel better. If they only know I feel like rubbish and hate myself. If they only knew how tired I am of being nice so people don't think there is something wrong with me.

Im struggling to find life with bipolar. Im a very large believe in it doesn't define me I define myself but at the moment its ruling me. Hopefully I over that it.

Feeling limited by bipolar disorder

Kazzl — Sat, 23 Jul 2016 11:45:05 GMT

Hi Loula and Len - how are you today?

Loula what you said about being protective of yourself when you feel a change coming on really resonated with me. It's not selfish, and I don't care if people think it is. It's self preservation. Sometimes I have to cancel things I've agreed to do or go to (I have twice this week) and sometimes I just need to go to bed ... so I do. I'm lucky my hubby understands.

Do you ever feel like you're somehow not there when people are around you. Like you're distanced from what's going on around you, almost like you're watching a movie?

Cheers guys

Kaz

xxx