topic Black Dog. in Depression

Black Dog.

V17 — Fri, 04 Nov 2016 06:50:39 GMT

Hi guys,

I had a breakthrough moment just now that I'd like to share with you; sitting on my swing under the shade of my almond tree. You see, I've never really conformed to many things. Actually, it's more of a battle to try and conform - I see things differently. I have never really fit or gelled with a majority of social circles (probably all of them, truth be told) - forever the outsider looking in: Why then, is it so difficult for me to follow the same pathway of thinking that most people do, especially now with the dark times I've had/am fighting to overcome?
So I reflected on that question..

I came up with this..

Until recently, I had thought that there were only two types of mental illness that affected me; depression and anxiety. So when I have read posts expounding on and pin pointing mental illness; major depression, bipolar disorder, cyclothymic and dysthymic disorders, and BPD (borderline personality disorder), social anxiety, generalised anxiety disorder (GAD) - it would trigger an emotive reaction. Acceptance has been a big issue with me from the onset. I couldn't get my head around the clinical terms. I understand the reasoning behind why they are used and I understand some people take comfort in that. I don't want to.

So in light of this, I am re-discovering not only who I am, but WHY I am who I am. Essentially, I don't do what most people do, so I asked myself; why label myself with clinical names? I'm going to fight it anyways so I asked myself 3 questions: What way or thinking path can I take on board that will allow me to accept what I have? How can I cope with having it? and how can I overcome it?

"Avoiding suicidal thoughts or intent", is a thread in here and Tony WK made reference to 'The Black Dog'; never heard of it before so I researched it. The penny dropped. At this point in my journey animals are my solace; they help me with being mindful; they help calm me - one of them is my dog.
I made the correlation.
Being labeled in clinical terms distress me - I can't afford to be stressed right now.
I can identify with animals; the black dog, whilst a metaphor for what I suffer - is still an animal. So, black dog it is. Acceptance. This was big for me.

When I now perceive the black dog lurking near me, trying to snap at my heels; I'm going to tell myself -it's just a dog. I refuse to give it the power to become something greater than what it is and I don't care what it takes; I'll make the bastard heel.
V.

Black Dog.

blondguy — Sun, 06 Nov 2016 22:47:55 GMT

Hi V17

Really sorry for the mega delay in you receiving a response....

You and I appear to have a lot in common. I think there is an excess in 'labels' being applied to various forms of the same illness. I dont blame you for finding them a trigger.

Ive had depression since 1996 and the black dog comes and goes. True and calm acceptance of the black dog is a lot easier than fighting it. Fighting it can be exhausting and sometimes exacerbate the illness (or anxiety) itself.

True and calm acceptance takes a lot of practice and usually requires the help of a counsellor for us to bounce off on a regular basis to have a a greater effect.

Just for myself I found the use of AD's a huge bonus as they have provided me with a platform on which I could start to 'accept' the depression. They are not a fix all but the do take away those bad lows.

Try giving the black dog a pat...Depression loses its legs with calm and true acceptance 🙂

Great to have a chat V17. Despite the long delay in responding I hope you can stick around.

my kind thoughts for you

Paul x

Black Dog.

V17 — Tue, 08 Nov 2016 03:00:52 GMT

Hey Paul,

I was so sure I responded to your post yesterday but my memory these days is next to non-existent; I must have been distracted and then cleared my tabs.

The thing is though, today I do not have the fight in me, so, reading your reply again has been perfectly timed. Sometimes a delay proves to be necessary.

I think I will take the gentle approach and give him a pat - I really needed to hear this at this time.

Everything happens for a reason huh; we just gotta learn to see it as a positive and this has.
Thank you.
V. x

Black Dog.

blondguy — Tue, 08 Nov 2016 23:19:04 GMT

Hi V17

No worries at all. I was on your other thread yesterday just letting you know this one slipped through without a reply

You are spot on, things happen for a reason and unfortunately depression is one of them. I treat it as a physical disability not a mental one.

'Invisible Crutches'

my kind thoughts for you

Paulx

Black Dog.

V17 — Mon, 14 Nov 2016 13:21:31 GMT

Oh. My. Gosh.

Who was I kidding!!??
Tell the bastard to heel, I said.
Just a dog, I said.
Refuse to give it power, I said.

I'm incredibly confused.

Black Dog.

SourceShield — Mon, 14 Nov 2016 13:51:08 GMT

Hey V,

R U OK?

Here for you anytime you need to vent about the confusion...

MuchLove

Black Dog.

V17 — Mon, 14 Nov 2016 14:24:33 GMT

Hey Mister

No; not really. I'm finding it really difficult to gather my thoughts and voice them. I'm second guessing every thought and it's really hard to convey what I am feeling because I don't really know??

Okay.

Witnessed a car accident 5-6 weeks ago. Had to make a statement today. Little bit nervous but okay. Made statement came home with mind running. Calmed down with acting on the stuff I have learned. Cool.

Tonight.

Son, two nephews and two of son's friend did silly thing - nothing 'major' but stupid and loud - whole neighborhood heard. Son wouldn't listen to what I expressed and when I told him to get out of the car he refused and they drove off laughing. I couldn't do anything - no control, see. So, emotions began to overtake. Managed to calm down. Cool. Son came back to pick up some clothes and I couldn't speak. Words just would not come. Like...blank. But inside my head was another story. He said he loved me and I said I loved him too the same thing and he left. I sat there after just..blank.

Then..

Ex partner rings up. Okay. I answered. Talked about trivial stuff about when he would drop off car etc. I ended it just over a week ago. He left. Accepted it and left. He asked if I was okay and it broke me and I couldn't stifle the tears. Then I asked - silly me - why didn't he 'fight' for me and he said he still might. That comment stopped the tears. Might? I said I have to go. He called my baby. I'm just blank. V.

Black Dog.

SourceShield — Mon, 14 Nov 2016 22:07:50 GMT

Hey Sweetheart,

Well, firstly, you deserve a medal.

Thats a full-on cocktail of differing tensions, emotions, feelings, events and experiences going on there...no wonder you're blink'n emotionally CONFUSED at the moment!.

Who wouldn't be?.

You've done really well to put words to how you feel, and give a 'voice' to your feelings, even if those feelings are all over the shop.

Its important.

As we learn to express in healthier ways...even these crapola moments start to morph into important lessons for us!.

Clarity comes from being in the dark for a while, and finding our own 'way out' from the shadows.

In truth, my friend, I know that at the moment this seems like WTF with it all happening, but heres what I reckon...

...just my humble opinion...

But, I believe that Life/God/The Universe/Source..IO in my native language - Te Reo Maori.

Source never ever sends us things that we cant handle.

We are never ever presented with situations that we arent strong enough to cope with.

But, in that moment...we FEEL so weak, and that we cant cope etc etc etc...

So, these 'tests' are actually a way for you to put into practice what you are learning.

And, from the outside looking in...

I know you may not see it this way, but...You have done SO well, considering.

Okay?

Seriously.

Traumatic car crash experience - Got through that, even if you were a bit nervy. You did what you had to, and now thats sorted --- tick!

Son, nephews and mates being complete tools.You losing it for a bit BUT managing to get yourself back to CALM. Thats big.

Remember that we all deal with STRESS in different ways.

And, with what you have experienced in life...these moments still shake you.

Thats normal and natural based on what you have lived through.

You're a champion.

THEN...

Relationship-mucky-feeling stuff, as well???

To me, just MY opinion...thats all.

MIGHT - ISNT GOOD ENOUGH.

Your feelings for him are still fresh but dont let him play games with your heart.

If there are still genuine feelings there, you must follow through...

...love is love, and all that.

BUT - healthy boundaries, remember?

We 'slip' right?

I was gonna 'slip' last weekend, remember?

I get it.

Going blank for a little, is just the minds way of clearing out the clutter, to make room for more good stuff.

You are worthy.

You are safe...Source, is always on our side.

Always was just didnt know that before!

You are loved.

Be blessed kindred spirit.

MuchMuchMuchLove.

Black Dog.

V17 — Tue, 15 Nov 2016 00:07:54 GMT

Then God must think I am a bloody giant because - Jeez - it's just continual. How much can a koala bear?!

Seriously, all I want - no; NEED - is quiet.

Actually, coming to think of it; I have it - right now - I actually have a little bit of peace. I'd love to say serenity but I'd be lying; I have quiet. For now Mister, that is enough. I will settle with that.

Wow, isn't it incredible? Hindsight 20:20 vision. I chuckle at it now.

Might - isn't good enough. I'm hearing you loud and clear on that one. Seems to me my pencils are calling and a list is about to be in play. The bonus? I have an enclosed fire 🙂

Love how you write; love how you give a perspective, whilst very similar to mine, seems to just make it all FIT.

Thanks Big Buddy xx

Black Dog.

SourceShield — Tue, 15 Nov 2016 00:59:19 GMT

You're welcome, Sis!

If QUIET is what you have in this moment...take it.

Lap it up.

Dance in its peaceful...quietness!!!

Ahhhh...

Pencils.

Lists.

Fire.

Love it!.

LuvYa