topic Something missing in your heart? in Depression

Something missing in your heart?

Infinite_Faith — Wed, 22 Feb 2017 13:18:40 GMT

Hi,

Just thought I would ask if anyone has experienced a sense that something is missing. Like a part of you. You are not complete?Or you don't feel connected to your family (Or close to others). I feel this huge emptiness, that seems to only be filled with sadness. I
am crying all the time, for no real reason. (Apart from my diagnosis, Major Depression, Anxiety, Panic)

I grew up in the Catholic Church, moved to Pentecostal, but lost my faith years ago. (I really believed in God when I was a child) In fact, our family lived in a old nunnery at one point. Right next door to the church. I was an alter boy. See that proves, I'm worthy 🙂

But this emptiness. It feels like somehow I am disconnected with the universe (or other people) (If that's possible) But again, it brings with it sadness. (If I let it, and I do, because it feels right) ??? With that comes searching. You sense something is not quite right then ask "what's missing".

Something is missing.

Appreciate any thoughts.

Thanks

Something missing in your heart?

Guest_322 — Wed, 22 Feb 2017 13:31:49 GMT

Hi IF,

Yes but I'm tired so I'm not sure if I have read your post properly. I think that I understand what you're saying.

She was my mother, but I was motherless. I was trapped by her, but utterly alone. She would always be the empty bowl that no one could full. I'd have to fill it myself again and again and again.

- Cheryl Strayed

This quote sums up part of the feeling for me.

Turning in for the night now.

Dottie x

Something missing in your heart?

Infinite_Faith — Wed, 22 Feb 2017 13:40:04 GMT

Thanks for the replly Dottie, nice quote.

I guess I have the choice and freedom to fill it anyway I choose.

I see I am not alone.

Thanks

Something missing in your heart?

romantic_thi3f — Wed, 22 Feb 2017 21:31:38 GMT

Hi Infinite Faith,

Thanks for your post.

You are definately not alone in this, and this is really common with Depression to feel like something is missing. It's also really common to cry all the time without feeling like there's a reason behind it.

The way you talk about things missing remind's me a lot of Sylvia's Path 'The Bell Jar'. Her metaphor about being stuck in the jar feeling like an outsider to everyone else and that everyone else kind of has it 'complete' except her is something I (and many others) can relate to a lot. Sometimes people can find meaning or create meaning in things like movies, poetry and books. Maybe this is something you might want to consider.

You talked about faith in your post too; is this something that might be missing now that you have lost your faith? A sense of spirituality can be important for people even if it's not always tied to religion.

I can see you've made a few other posts here but just want to echo that talking about this with someone like a psychologist can help too; if you're not doing so already.

Something missing in your heart?

Doolhof — Wed, 22 Feb 2017 21:40:05 GMT

Hi IF,

A couple of days ago I saw a counsellor who helped me make sense of my feelings of disassociation, of emptiness, feeling like I have no value, no purpose, that everything is pointless and there is no hope.

Along life's journey I have hit a few road blocks, had some close calls, thought about death being better than life, had a marriage that I ran away from after a year as I was in fear of my life and had 5 pregnancy losses, two which were over 20 weeks so lawfully required a funeral.

The last day of January this year was nearly my last day ever.

This counsellor helped me realise that I had lost myself and who I thought I was along this journey. A lot of my depression is tied up to my grief. The loss of my babies, loss of the dream of what marriage should be in my eyes, the first marriage and the one I am in now. The loss of dreams.

She showed me some information on new ways of grieving called something like "The four Tasks of Mourning".

She asked me questions that hurt like crazy to think about let alone answer. It made me realise how messed up my thinking has been for decades.

Since the age of about 14 all I ever wanted to be was a Mum with 6 children. It was my desire to love and care for those children, to make their lives as wonderful, nurturing, exciting, positive and happy as I could. I realise this is the dream I wish I had for my own childhood.

So my thoughts, beliefs, expectations all through life have evolved around my desire to be loved and to be able to love in return. Since that dream didn't happen, I have been feeling lost and empty. Searching for something that will never be there in the form I had expected.

I have the chance to let go of all that hurt and confusion, to release the pain, learn to accept that dream has not happened, and look around me to see all that life has for me right now.

I understand the feeling that something is missing in my life. Now I have seen the light so to speak, I hope to move on through more counselling and reading about the Four tasks of Mourning.

This has been a long response! It feels like something I had to write.

Hoping you discover a way to find some inner peace.

Regards from Mrs. Dools

Something missing in your heart?

Guest_322 — Thu, 23 Feb 2017 11:01:39 GMT

Hi IF,

No worries. I'm glad that I helped you feel that tiny bit less alone in feeling this way. It looks like others have jumped on board to offer you their perspectives, which is great.

The freedom to fill it any way you wish is a bit of a double edged sword in my opinion. You might not agree with me and- that's perfectly okay of course - but it's just my 2 cents.

Dottie x

Something missing in your heart?

CMF — Thu, 23 Feb 2017 11:12:13 GMT

Hi IF,

I just posted on another thread similar to yours. This is how i feel at times:

I know this feeling of being disconnected without knowing why. I ask myself 'am i depressed?' No not really. "Am i bored?' yes maybe. 'Do i think anyone cares?' no they probably don't. 'Do i care?'No

Sometimes i leave my house in a mess because no one will see it, no one comes over. I'm here but I'm just existing - no purpose,no feeling of wanting to do anything,. I'm just here.Am i tired? Am I bored? Do i have too much on my plate that i just shut down? I don't know.

cmf x

Something missing in your heart?

Infinite_Faith — Thu, 23 Feb 2017 15:20:54 GMT

Hi all,

Thanks so much for all the responses.

I speak about feeling alone, others above have expressed the same feelings, yet we are not alone as clearly we have each other. It's sad how we can live on the same planet with so many people and feel alone. (Empty, unloved, worthless)

Maybe we are the ones who need to reach out? The more we reach out the more we find these feelings are common. (Maybe)

You know, I've always wanted to be really liked. Maybe if I was a nicer person, I would feel more connected. Maybe I haven't a clue what I am talking about.

I guess what I am saying is somehow, I am blaming myself because I am not the nicest human on the planet. Its my own fault I am alone.

So what's the answer, join a bowling club or become a guru. (How about a bowling guru?) 🙂 (It's hip and it's new. wink)

All I can say ask "Hello universe, can you hear me, me, me, me, me?" Still waiting for a reply.

In the mean time we have eachother.

See ya in the BB Cafe.

Something missing in your heart?

blondguy — Thu, 23 Feb 2017 15:49:54 GMT

Hi IF

This probably doesnt mean much but your writing style combined with your humility and a sense of humor made me smile this morning in these wee hours 🙂

You wrote " if anyone has experienced a sense that something is missing. Like a part of you"

I dont know one person on these forums that hasnt experienced this hollow feeling of isolation. Depression is also part physiological (like diabetes or a serious infection) and needs regular TLC and sometimes meds too

I have posted on another thread of yours IF. I understand the dark clouds you have over you...now.....

I do feel your pain as have had acute panic attacks followed by depression since 1983 when I was in my 20's

You are a nice person IF...that I do know 🙂

Humans are all 'overthinkers' and prone to malfunction...I know I am...

Can I ask you what you like in life? Music....The Simpsons.....Gardening.....Writing.....?

Its your thread IF. You dont have to hold your hands over your face to show your pain......Its in your words

you are not alone here IF

my kind thoughts for you

Paul

Something missing in your heart?

Infinite_Faith — Thu, 23 Feb 2017 17:14:25 GMT

Hi Paul,

Thank you so much. I was really moved, such a kind person. And I do remember the equally kind post another time. What you wrote means a lot.

So we all feel this same sense of loss, and you say it's also part physiological. (Well I didn't come here to learn stuff Paul haha) kidding 🙂 No seriously, I am learning stuff about my own illness that no one has ever told me before. So thanks, it's helpful. It gives me something to research.

My hat goes off to you though, doing this work you do. Wow. I mean even my head spins and I hit overload being here sometimes. No offence to BB (or you), I just mean thinking about this stuff, can be so mind taxing.

I see you are well versed in the panic attack. (I'd make a joke about them, but there is nothing funny) They are so frightening. You really had your first one young...that's tough at 20. I was like 30+, had never heard of a panic attack before. I thought I was going crazy. (I won't describe the symptoms) 😞 You had those attacks and you do this work??? If that's not a definition for a definite cure I don't know what is. 🙂 You must have a great understanding and handle on it to be able to do this work. Yeah? I am sure.

Paul, I'm a nice-ish person. (And I won't budge on that)

We are all prone to overthinking? I guess you are right. (though I would argue some don't think at all) This overthinking can get us lost, we had no map to follow. We trip ourselves up even, and get stuck. Don't know which way to turn. The mind is a curiously dangerous tool in the wrong hands Paul. 🙂

Thanks for helping me feel less alone tonight buddy.

Kind regards

Steve

Something missing in your heart?

Infinite_Faith — Thu, 23 Feb 2017 17:30:52 GMT

Hi again Paul,

I missed this question "Can I ask you what you like in life? Music....The Simpsons.....Gardening.....Writing.....?"

Ummm?

Would you believe I was listening to ABBA today. haha.

Being a musician I love all kinds of music and it is always changing. 2 years ago I would have said Black Sabbath, Pink Floyd. I grew up with the Eagles and Fleetwood Mac.

I ride a dirt bike, except it's got a carb problem atm. Love putting that on one wheel in the bush... so yeah I love riding motorcycles.

I can't grow a weed. I nothing about plants.

I'm a PC geek. Qualified PC Tech. I also studied and love electronics (get the behind me depression)

I read self help book when I can. But being in the PC world I have to read manuals. (All day every day haha)

What I'd like to do is read more Poetry to help with my song writing. 🙂

I love writing songs. There is nothing more creative for me than song writing.

Take Care

Bye

Something missing in your heart?

blondguy — Thu, 23 Feb 2017 19:47:36 GMT

Hi IF

Thanks for the kind response and the compliment too 🙂

ABBA may be laughed at but when Waterloo and later Mama Mia was released the 'tapes' were sent to all the Australian radio stations for airplay by RCA.

A radio announcer in Sydney mentioned in an interview (just a few years ago) when they listened to 'Waterloo' the first time how well engineered the track was. I think it was 2SM even though I live in Vic. ABBA really rocks.

I know that you are in a world of hurt IF. I hope you can take a compliment because Fleetwood Mac...The Eagles....Pink Floyd....Black Sabbath.....Great bands! I am 57 and here you loud and clear :-)!! I also have the 12" vinyl mix of 'Copa Cobana' by Barry Manilow......In Spanish.....and yes I am serious....I will be very seriously stirred up by some people here for admitting to owning a mint copy of that!

You are a songwriter....a qualified IT Professional.....Understand Electronics...Ride a dirt bike..125? 250? 500?

IF.....you have a seriously great background.....I Wish!

I hope that you consider yourself part of the Beyond Blue family IF.......because you are 🙂

You have a background to be proud of IF. Being a IT guru (you are) I hope you can feel comfortable posting as BB have done a great job of making these forums rock solid secure. (for you and me both!)

Ive been here since Jan 2016 when I was made redundant. I didnt have the guts to even create my own thread as you have done for a long time. I was scared and wary.

I really hope you can stick around IF.

please be kind to yourself

Paul

Something missing in your heart?

Doolhof — Thu, 23 Feb 2017 20:49:53 GMT

Hi IF,

You have mentioned quite a bit about yourself here. I used to have a couple of cousins who had dirt bikes and road bikes. I loved cruising around with them. One day I stacked the dirt bike. Did a huge mono and flew over the handlebars into a fence. Not my best moment on a motorbike!

I never learnt to play music. One of my nieces played the piano. I would call her nearly every week and she would play a song for me. I loved it. She also sang a song about a Kookaburra sitting on an electric wire with his pants on fire. I loved those phone calls.

Like you and others have mentioned, we may all have moments where we feel like we are alone, then we can just pop onto this forum and have a "chat" with someone.

ABBA, Black Sabbath, Pink Floyd, The Eagles etc : when you hear those old songs, where are you taken back to? It is interesting how songs as well as things like smells can take us back to days gone by.

The Eagles remind me of rainy days parked down near the beach with a group of friends singing away watching the waves crashing in.

I'm sure a lot of us had or still have parts of our personalities and characters we might desire to be different. My younger sister used to call me Bully Beef as I was such an angry child!

Friends? A few good ones or even a couple who care are worth far more than dozens who just hang around and then disappear when they have had enough.

Is writing songs like poetry? I presume the idea is similar in a way.

Anyway, hope you have a creative day.

Cheers from Mrs. Dools

Something missing in your heart?

geoff — Thu, 23 Feb 2017 21:16:50 GMT

hi Infinite Faith, I have been reading all your posts and feel for how you are feeling, and yes we do trip up ourselves and get bogged down with all these issues, but can I suggest it would be easier for people to know what you are struggling with by having just one post, rather than 3 or 4, so that we can then address this one post rather than several different ones.
This would allow us to be able to concentrate specifically on what you are asking our help for or alternatively so you can vent.
I hope this doesn't upset you, but from what you have said there are many people who want to reply back to you. Geoff.

Something missing in your heart?

Infinite_Faith — Fri, 24 Feb 2017 11:18:37 GMT

Hi Geoff,

No problem my friend. Will do 🙂

I will let the ones open, fade out into cyber space.

All the best

Something missing in your heart?

geoff — Fri, 24 Feb 2017 18:11:05 GMT

hi Steve, thanks so much for doing this. Geoff.

Something missing in your heart?

Doolhof — Sat, 25 Feb 2017 07:54:18 GMT

Hi IF,

Would you like to share one of your songs with us, even if it is just a verse.

At school I enjoyed poetry but rarely write or read poetry anymore.

Some of the early Australian poets wrote some amazing images of this country in the early years of white settlement.

Do you have a favourite topic you like to write songs to?

Cheers from Mrs. Dools

Something missing in your heart?

Infinite_Faith — Sat, 25 Feb 2017 14:05:12 GMT

Hello Mrs Dools,

Nice to meet you. They say poetry and lyric writing are two different art forms. Others would argue otherwise. You can't deny that lyrics are written for music. (Usually)

To be honest, I'm new to that actual art of poetry, lyric writing. (I try) But it was never something as a musician I was gear towards. This now is my weakness. But I am working on it. The upside, because I spent less time struggling with lyrics, I was a better guitarist. But I had a look and most of what I have is near embarrassing. Songs evolve in a studio, you have that flexibility to change things if something is not working.

You'll never change the ones you love, but you still seem to try,

You'll always find good reasons to let the moments die,

Love is always blind.

Something missing in your heart?

Username_Blank — Sun, 26 Feb 2017 00:37:26 GMT

I know exactly how you feel

Something missing in your heart?

Martii — Mon, 06 Mar 2017 03:57:30 GMT

Hey IF, I feel very similar. I feel like I don't connect to anyone, and I don't know why. I have friends and family who I am close to but I feel like I am alone, that something in me is missing, and that I don't know why I am here and what my purpose is. It is very confusing.