topic Hello new here - depression boomerang in Depression

Hello new here - depression boomerang

Grace888 — Fri, 30 Sep 2016 03:53:51 GMT

Hello all

I am new to the forum and hope that I will be able to make some positive contributions or at least be able to empathise with others' experiences.

While I like to think that I have my depression 'under control' - after all I have lived with it for 30 years - the fact is that I live in constant fear of it boomeranging back.

And this week it has. Can't sleep, no appetite, feeling anxious, tearful and fearful. The usual.

So, I do the only thing I know works for me. . . drag myself out of bed, get dressed, and go out and fake it until I make it back again.

My frustration is that this is all self-inflicted. I have in the last 3 months taken on exactly the type of job and work environment that in the past was almost guaranteed to stress me out. And it has. I thought I was "more resilient" these days. Not.

A sensible person would say to themselves, "look, I just can't do this" and go and find something else to do that suits them better.

Can't work out why it is that I keep returning to what is for me a poisoned well, hoping that I have developed some kind of immunity, and then getting surprised and upset when it makes me sick.

What is that I am trying to prove?

So, I am now going to sit down apply for another type of job that is less well paid, less salubrious, but which won't drive me nuts.

Thanks for listening and hope to listen to you in turn.

Hello new here - depression boomerang

white knight — Fri, 30 Sep 2016 05:07:08 GMT

Hi Grace, welcome

This is very common. We acknowledge on the surface we are unwell, we get the diagnosis etc , then when it comes to day to day life hurdles (which includes just going to work and back as well as the work itself) we think these basic tasks are within our natural ability. Far from the truth. That leaves us with but one avenue to learn- the hard way. Which you have done.

So lets expand on this. The community champions here have "been there done that" in their own lives and have travelled the journey. You have, although had depression for decades, still make the mistake of taking on too much. So, yes, your thoughts are on the right track. What about the rest of your life?

In the following thread (Google) Topic: be radical- beyondblue It list the several areas of our life we should attend to, change, alter slightly, alter radically to get to a better more manageable place. Like-

Re- diagnose...Times change and so do we. We can develop more symptoms meaning another added illness etc.

Medications.... re-tweaking is often required. Work with your GP on that

Employment...consider part time

Environment...I'm an advocate for less stress. In my case city living and all those stressful things that go with it like parking, parking fines, traffic, road rage, high rent or mortgage etc. I moved to the country and never looked back.

Finances...my dear wife of 5 years revamped our finances when I was forcibly retired 3 years ago. What a difference that made.

Toxic people...get rid of them. Its tough sometimes but it has to be done.

Community input....regulate it. I don't believe its fruitful for those with mental illness to get too involved in committees and the like. Its too easy to get into conflict. eg. In out tiny town there was a working bee two weeks ago. I didn't attend. But the next day filled three bags of roadside rubbish up...on my own when walking our dog.

So you can see its really a comprehensive examination of my life so when visitor arrive I'm refreshed. By the time they leave, 3 days later, I'm exhausted but I survive.

Hope that helps

Other threads you can google are-

Topic: facing the emotional brink- beyondblue

Topic: depression and the timing of motivation- beyondblue

Finally, people post on this forum all the time...24/7 actually. If your experience enables you to contribute with replies it would be most welcome. There is no expectations and do so only when you feel you can.

Tony WK

Hello new here - depression boomerang

Saphy — Sun, 02 Oct 2016 11:29:09 GMT

Hi Grace, I too am new to B.B you have given me the courage to post because our stories seem very simular . Have been on that long road of depression since 1989 .In the days when there wasn't a lot done to help people with depression . Thank god things have changed! Like you I have good days and bad days . Just recently a lot has been happening in life l I will elaborate more in time )which has left me reeling . Have spent a while at what felt like the bottom of a dark well unable to get out . After reading some of the post I felt better then I have for a while, There are people like me going through the same stuff. thank you for posting

Hello new here - depression boomerang

Grace888 — Mon, 03 Oct 2016 09:25:32 GMT

Hello Saphy

I am sorry to hear that things are difficult for you just now. Sounds like you have been having some tumultuous and disruptive times.

I agree, it is reassuring to read others' stories and find you are not alone in the types of things you are experiencing. Being in your own head too much can be lonely and mean you lose perspective - or at least that is my experience.

Change can be difficult.

Hope you feel better soon, Saphy.

Grace888

Hello new here - depression boomerang

Grace888 — Mon, 03 Oct 2016 09:49:17 GMT

Thank you Tony WK for your kind reply.

You make some very valid points and I enjoyed reading the links you shared.

I have regulated my life to accommodate my tendency to have episodes of depression and anxiety. I live quietly with my wonderful supportive husband. I avoid commuting. I have supportive friends who understand my limitations. I maintain some boundaries, but also give back where I can. I am very fortunate and conscious of it.

The one area I seem never to have allowed myself to ease back on is my career - I have pressed on despite the evidence

accumulated over the years that what I was doing did not agree with me. For the last few years I have been thinking of making a change, but better the devil you know, I thought.

I was made redundant earlier this year so finding a new job was important for my self esteem, however unsuitable. Cause for regret now.

While I was out of work I did some retraining at TAFE in a field that I thought might suit me better. So, a silver lining right there. I graduated last month.

I made some job applications over the weekend and already have an interview lined up for tomorrow.

I hope this new path might result in a happier future.

Feeling a bit nervous.

I am glad to hear that you have been able to moderate your life to your liking, White Knight. Living in the country sounds

lovely, so quiet. I will take up your sensible advice to see the GP to see if anything changed in last few months.

Hope you enjoy your week ahead and thank you again for taking the time to respond with your thoughts.

Grace888

Hello new here - depression boomerang

Grace888 — Mon, 03 Apr 2017 03:55:23 GMT

Not sure whether should be writing this in new thread or this old thread or what, but I have just had to take myself out of the office for a 'late lunch break' because I could feel a panic attack coming on.

So have gone for a walk in the sun to calm myself down, and try to relax a little before I go back.

I have so much work to do and a new manager working alongside me - who keeps forgetting that I don't report to him - and loves to demean contributions of others in the office. At least I know it's not personal! But the atmosphere is getting to me. Plus I have a new staffer to train and I am so self-consious and fragile feeling today I feel so certain she must know that I am five secs from tears.

Haven't had a panic attack in a decade and feel like I am back to square one.

I know that I get these when I am doing something that I don't like. And I should read the signs.

At the moment I feel all a bit messed up. Will try another 15 mins of walking and vitamin D, and hope that does the trick.

Thanks for listening

Sarah

Hello new here - depression boomerang

Grace888 — Wed, 14 Jun 2017 10:22:09 GMT

I resigned today. It seemed the best thing to do as it had got to the stage that I was so stressed I couldn't get through a day without crying and couldn't sleep at night. I have complete burnout.

I don't have another job lined up and have never done anything quite like this before but I just couldn't cope with the confusion, bullying and mismanagement any more.

There is no doubt that a stronger person might have been able to bluff their way through or even thrived in that environment, so I cannot place 100% of the blame on the organisation. Although it is tempting.

I will be ok financially for a little while at least and will be able to keep seeing my psychologist, but I do feel like I could have managed things better so that I had something lined up before I pulled the pin.

This is the very last job I will take in this profession and I have finally learned my lesson.

It does not make me feel any better to know that this is self inflicted.

Thanks again for listening.

Hello new here - depression boomerang

Croix — Thu, 15 Jun 2017 07:46:04 GMT

Dear Sarah~

Although I haven't spoken to you before I'd like to welcome you back , though it's a real pity it is under such circumstances. As for where to post -here is the place, where what has happened in the past is readily available.

Wanting to remain in the same field of employment is a very powerful urge. I've felt it too, as I was invalided out of the police and would have jumped straight back in if given the chance - just as well I wasn't.

I guess it was partly identity, partly wishful thinking, partly interest in the job itself and partly the fact I knew I was good at it. I'd imaging it might have been similar for you.

I very strongly suspect I'd have found it as difficult as you to return, though not being as wise I would not have severed the connection until too late - again.

Frankly I'm most impressed at your resigning. It shows a very realistic and aware mind-set and a deal of courage too, knowing you did not have another job to go to. While no doubt you will feel bad, and even a degree of failure at this move I would think it far better than doing what I did before and hang on until I was incapable of anything much at all - and then having to leave anyway.

I'm very glad you have sufficient resources to tide you over for a while - and to enable you to continue seeing your psych. Although you may feel bad, you did in fact have a financial backstop, again a wise move.

How are you off or support at the moment? The last time you mentioned a very supportive husband plus friends, I do hope things haven't changed.

If I understand correctly this job was not related to your course of study and that is a fresh field to be investigated.

Please feel at home and talk as often as you'd like

Croix

Hello new here - depression boomerang

Grace888 — Sat, 17 Jun 2017 12:03:37 GMT

Thank you Croix

I am grateful to you for taking the time to reply and for sharing your thoughts and experiences.

Today I feel a good deal more at peace with my decision. Either that or I am still in some shock. 😉

Yes, I will be looking at employment in my new area of interest. This makes me nervous, but also quite excited as well. My husband is a saint and fully supportive of this move.

Tomorrow I may be in years again, but for today things are ok.

Thank you again for your wise words.

Hello new here - depression boomerang

Croix — Sat, 17 Jun 2017 12:24:10 GMT

Dear Sarah~

It's nice to hear from you and particularly nice that you are more settled in your decision. Pure gold your husband understands. I guess you both have wisdom. I doubt very much you are in shock:)

It would be so easy to jump on the fact there is not second job to go to at the moment and think the move a bad one as a result. In fact it is quite the opposite. Employment is such a large part of our lives it has to be at least tolerable, and preferably good for us - anything else and you end up like I was.

I'm pleased you find the new area of interest is an exciting opportunity for you, your TAFE course must have been thoughtfully selected - it's finish was certainly timely. Obviously there will be deal of worry until matters straighten out but I'm confident you -and your husband - will cope OK.

Croix

Hello new here - depression boomerang

Grace888 — Sat, 08 Jul 2017 00:43:37 GMT

Thank you Croix

I appreciate your thoughtful response very much though saddened by your story and sorry for the pain you must have been through. It stinks really, doesn't it?

I have been reflecting on some things you mentioned in your response over the past weeks.

Possibly you are right that it's not so much shock as a huge relief. Although why do I feel guilty about stopping doing something that makes me miserable and unwell?

I can also relate to the pull of the going back into the same type of work. I read job ads and think they sound really interesting or that I think 'I could do that'. So, to avoid these temptations I keep having to refer back to a list of requirements I have for choosing my next job so that I stay on the right path.

I also have a job interview next week which is cheering, but I am not in a hurry or going to leap at the first opportunity that presents itself. Assuming one does. Mustn't count chickens.

Thank you for you support and advice. I feel in a much better place and ready to move on. The only thing holding me back is getting through the final week of my notice period, but that will soon be behind me.

Thank you

Hello new here - depression boomerang

Croix — Sat, 08 Jul 2017 01:43:52 GMT

Dear Sarah~

In answer to your question - yes it does indeed:)

I'm pleased you are doing so well, as I said before I'm confident you -and your husband - will cope OK and your latest message shows all the hallmarks of a competent person dealing with things.

The idea of the job requirements list is an excellent piece of grounding and sounds as if it is doing exactly as you intended - stopping you rushing off on impulse.

We are all pressured by society, senses of responsibility and financial circumstances into having a job, and a large part of our identity seems to be bound up in our occupation. All these factors come home to roost when we do not have employment. That is one reason I so admired you ability to buck all these factors and resign to improve the most important thing, your health.

All those factors are still in play, and you may not feel comfortable until you find another position -which I'm sure you will.

That final week will pass.

Croix

Hello new here - depression boomerang

Grace888 — Fri, 16 Feb 2018 03:56:14 GMT

Greetings

so turns out I am not so suited to the new career path either after a devastating first performance review during which,of course, I cried. Too slow at picking things up apparently. If I don’t pick up they will performance manage me.

This has been my fourth job in 3 years. I don’t know how I am ever get another job now.

Feeling like an utter failure.

Oh well, at least it’s out in the open.

Not sure what the next step is going to be.

Hello new here - depression boomerang

Croix — Fri, 16 Feb 2018 23:17:32 GMT

Dear Grace888~

I re-read your thread before replying and still see a person who is making the right moves and has the support where it is needed.

Look, an awful lot of what happens to us is circumstances, not our own doing - no matter how much we would like to believe we are always in charge of our fate. You chose a different course of study and I suspect it must have clicked with you for you to want to work in the area.

Selecting a job, even guided by that sensible list of practical requirements, is very much an unknown quantity. Some firms are supportive and have a relaxed cooperative environment, others are pressure from morning to night and use people up - which they can afford in today's job-hungry market.

So this job does not seem to be working out, a great pity, however it does not mean that you cannot blossom in another one. You are still the person who had the sense to take all the practical measures to cope with your illness as you described in your first post. You are still the person that passed her studies, and still the one that gives and receives love.

That job may be more a reflection of the firm and the people in it than you. Life does treat us unkindly at times and there is no avoiding that unhappy fact. The best thing we can do is roll with the punches and cope, even if we feel bad.

You may be trying to decide if you should go or stay in this job. I don't think there is any 'right' decision, whatever you do will have consequences, however minimizing daily stress from outside sources is always worth considering. Even if you believe such a course of action will increase your internal stress and thoughts of failure that can change -as it did for me.

What do you think?

Croix

Hello new here - depression boomerang

Grace888 — Sat, 17 Feb 2018 02:42:57 GMT

Thank you Croix for taking the time to answer.

After a sleepless night I have come to the conclusion that I will stay for only for as long as it takes to find another job - easier to get one when employed than otherwise. Or resign if it remains truly intolerable.

I think this organisation uses people like cannon fodder to be honest. Since starting I have learned that there is a high staff turnover and I can see why. Training is very limited and the whole approach seems to be sink or swim which is just bizarre.

There is also a nasty, bullying culture amongst my mostly much younger coworkers that I have been trying not to get caught up in. I am a bully’s natural prey and always have been. It’s as if they lock on to me from the minute I appear.

At first I thought it was just a case of new job-related anxiety and associated mild paranoia, or maybe echoes of past experiences so that I thought I was seeing bullying where it wasn’t. I tried ignoring it, laughing at it, tolerating it and waiting for them to get bored of it. Now I’m just plain tired of it.

Management is off-site so they don’t see this nonsense in action. Convenient. Everything is heresay.

At least I was given the chance to put my case forward. I gave some of my own respectful, honest ‘feedback’ which has given them morecto think about than they bargained for. At least they had the courtesy to take the time to listen and undertake to follow up.

Shift work has played havoc with my circadian rhythms and we all know where that leads. Fatigue combined with the constant undermining by colleagues has impacted on my ability to actually think straight.

You speak of daily life outside work. I feel like I have none. I’m constantly sleep deprived and not the support to my husband that I want to be as he cares for his elderly father.

So, yes, I will give it another crack in the same field, but different slower scene and without late shifts and see if that gives me my confidence and daily like back.

Croix, you are right - making changes isn’t always easy. My mistake was believing that this job was going to be some sort of perfect solution.

I get so tired of holding back the depression and anxiety - more than 25 years of wrestling now and no end in sight. I had hoped that this job would be just the thing to ‘fix’ it. However did I come to have such a simplistic point of view?

Thank you again for your reply. It means a great deal to know that someone is listening and understands.