topic So why do I sit Here...Alone....Trying to Find a Reason to Go On? in Depression

So why do I sit Here...Alone....Trying to Find a Reason to Go On?

Dippy_Dora — Mon, 11 Jul 2016 06:47:52 GMT

The above title is from a song I used to know...years ago...but I cannot remember who. It seems to be playing in my mind over and over and over. I find some comfort in the fact that someone else actually felt/feels this way too. Every day is a struggle for me to get through, I just feel exhausted all the time, my mind feels like a fog, even my speech is deteriorating in a weird way, I can't seem to speak properly. I feel like just giving in and not bothering with anything anymore. I have certainly lost my Love of Life....I can remember I was happy once and wonder how many other people are walking around, dragging themselves about...all pretending that nothing is wrong. When I am around other people I forget how unhappy I am because their chatter is a distraction. As is the TV, but then I switch that off and I can't even remember what I was watching. I stumbled across this forum and find comfort in reading that other people are suffering too....

So why do I sit Here...Alone....Trying to Find a Reason to Go On?

Melissa74 — Mon, 11 Jul 2016 08:28:16 GMT

I feel for you because it seems many of us are all facing a battle within.

I have anxiety and I just constantly feel on edge.

When I am with people sometimes I can be ok and other times I just sit there zoning out because I can feel the anxiety.

This forum is good it makes me have hope.

Hugs

So why do I sit Here...Alone....Trying to Find a Reason to Go On?

Wednesday — Mon, 11 Jul 2016 08:56:20 GMT

Hi Dippy Dora,

I know that feeling, the struggle to get through a day and brain fog, its just awful.

I have major depressive illness and some chronic health issues, which probably helps explain me a little.

I'm new to BB but feeling lucky to have been given some good advice recently. I hope the forums can help you, even if it just lets you talk about what is going on for you.

Can I ask if you feel like this often?

Internet hug.

So why do I sit Here...Alone....Trying to Find a Reason to Go On?

Music_Freak — Mon, 11 Jul 2016 10:48:30 GMT

I think we can all relate to how you feel in one way or another ( I know I can)... but it's why we came together and found each other in this forum 🙂

Hopefully you'll find comfort here just like I have 🙂

So why do I sit Here...Alone....Trying to Find a Reason to Go On?

Kazzl — Tue, 12 Jul 2016 13:21:05 GMT

Hi Dora - I know that song ... Since Yesterday. Early 1980s? Strawberry something, might have to Google.

Welcome to the forum hun. Oooohhh, do I ever relate to your post, as would many folks here. I can feel it through your words - the emptiness, sadness, can't be botheredness, distance, can't connect. How long have you been feeling this way? And have you talked to your doctor about it? Or a family member or friend? It's a heavy load to bear alone.

I really believe that information is our best friend when we're feeling like this. Understanding what's happening to us really is the first step to getting better. There's a lot of great information on the website, please have a good read around. And take a look at the forum - especially the depression board - there's much we can learn from the experiences of others.

This won't be forever Dora. We can and do get well again, with time and treatment, and by knowing how to look after ourselves. Please feel free to ask anything you want and tell us how you're feeling, and what, if anything, has happened recently to contribute to your low mood.

You're amongst friends here hun, as you can see from the replies. A big hi and welcome too to Music Freak, Wednesday, and Melissa. I see you're all relatively new to the forum - how great to see you helping another newcomer. I hope you all stay with us and find help and friendship here.

Best wishes to you all

Kaz

So why do I sit Here...Alone....Trying to Find a Reason to Go On?

Dippy_Dora — Wed, 13 Jul 2016 23:44:14 GMT

Hi Wednesday,

Yes I do feel like this often....and now I am wondering if I have always been like this?

Sometimes I feel normal and bright and it gives me hope...I just wish I felt like that all the time.

So why do I sit Here...Alone....Trying to Find a Reason to Go On?

Wednesday — Thu, 14 Jul 2016 00:10:42 GMT

Hi Dora,

Good to hear from you. Wouldn't it be just wonderful to feel bright and normal all the time. I yearn for those days.

I guess its normal for everyone to have ups and downs. And of course we all have different personalities, but some ups and owns are different. Have you ever talked to a doctor about how things are for you? Even if you have it might be good to have a chat with your favourite doctor, what do you think?

Take good care of yourself, keep in touch. Hugs.

So why do I sit Here...Alone....Trying to Find a Reason to Go On?

Dippy_Dora — Thu, 14 Jul 2016 00:12:18 GMT

Thank you Kazzl. I found the song...Strawberry Switchblade...funny listening to it all these years later. I can remember being really happy then....young, single, free with the lovely anticipation of what the future might hold.

I am in my forties now (yikes) and it's interesting you ask how long have I felt this doom and gloom. I think all my life, on and off. My mum was a manic depressive and did some crazy things which may have caused a lot of anxiety in me. I seem to have a high emotional intelligence around other people. I love meeting new people and sitting in busy places people watching. People are fascinating. However, when I feel anxious my voice goes all funny and I don't seem to speak properly...then I go home and get paranoid and wonder if people think I'm on drugs.

I seem to zone in and out of my depression and hide it well! However, I can often spot anxiety and depression in other people and get frustrated that there are so many of us going through such mental torture.

So why do I sit Here...Alone....Trying to Find a Reason to Go On?

Dippy_Dora — Thu, 14 Jul 2016 00:19:34 GMT

Thank you Music Freak,

I have got so used to suffering inside and plodding along, day in day out. It is absolutely exhausting feeling this way.

So why do I sit Here...Alone....Trying to Find a Reason to Go On?

Just Sara — Thu, 14 Jul 2016 03:29:16 GMT

Hey Dora and welcome to all newbies here too!

There's some great advice and comments here. I'm glad you're sticking with us.

Over 2 yrs ago, I suffered a major break-down which left me delusional and mentally challenged. This all occurred due to stress and not knowing how to cope. A psychiatrist diagnosed me with chronic Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) which led to understanding 'me' and my symptoms so much better.

I once had a panic attack where the world felt like it physically shook around me like an earth quake. I couldn't talk properly for 3 days! It took a few weeks to talk and think ok again. That was over 4 yrs ago.

My point is; if I'd been diagnosed and treated back then, I may have been able to avoid the break-down. Early intervention is so critical to mental health treatment plans and strategies. Being hyper-vigilant and not coping alone, which is what you've described, are symptoms of 'something'.

Being diagnosed can be life changing. For me it meant understanding my symptoms were relative to my history and that I was normal under those circumstances. Taking things day by day with the support of my GP and psychologist has seen me grow and learn to identify boundaries and trust issues, and take steps to change. Yes, it was hard going and took time, but my efforts and courage has paid off.

I wish you well in your search, and can assure you BB is heading in the right direction.

Kind thoughts...Dizzy x

So why do I sit Here...Alone....Trying to Find a Reason to Go On?

Dippy_Dora — Thu, 14 Jul 2016 04:41:34 GMT

Thank you so much Dizzy@home....your experience of a breakdown sounds dreadful.

I really hope that's not where I am heading.

In my 20's I suffered Panic Attacks when I was getting myself out of an abusive relationship as I was so scared and frightened that he was going to kill me. The feelings of fear were immense and I couldn't breathe and fell onto the bedroom floor. I got away from him but it took a lot of courage and a book called "Feel the Fear and Do It Anyway". I had kept the abuse hidden for a whole year and got so much support when I finally told people what was going on. I was amazed that nobody knew what was going on at that time in my life. Anyway I got away from him and that was a big lesson in life....

I had a broken heart so I threw myself into studying and a career. A few years later I went abroad to Africa to work for a few years and was so happy there. It was quite stressful and dangerous at times but because I'd survived such a dreadful relationship I thought I would cope with anything. When I came home I think that's when this depression started...I have never been the same happy person since I came back. That was 2002 so I have been battling the infernal flames of doom for many years now. (...writing all this down and reading it back is helping me so much It's almost like writing it down is, I don't know... )

So now I am realising that there has been something not right for many years and it has hindered me in many ways. I feel like an actress. I am reluctant to seek help. Why? I don't know why....maybe it's because I feel ok and change my mind. When I feel OK it's like a breath of fresh air and I want to stay that way forever.

My mum had mental health issues and alcohol addiction and I spent years and years and years putting her needs before my own. I can't cope with drunks, but I can cope with anything else. Feeling weird now.

So why do I sit Here...Alone....Trying to Find a Reason to Go On?

Just Sara — Thu, 14 Jul 2016 07:10:12 GMT

Hi Dora;

You express yourself so beautifully lovely lady. I'm glad my post was some help, and, your response opened up some interesting issues too.

Please research PTSD. Veterans suffer this due to being on alert all the time during active duty, then come home to peace not knowing how to cope with not feeling hyper-vigilant. The mind has become so used to living with adrenaline and chemicals used in fighting, it has to learn to relax again, or maybe, like in my case, learn for the first time. People who've suffered abuse and trauma can exhibit PTSD symptoms in similar ways and not even know it. But the signs are usually there within relationships and employment.

I have issues sleeping in my bed alone. I have coping strategies, and now know the root causes. But this is due to some great psych support and self assessment.

Getting diagnosed is one of the first steps to recovery. Please talk with your GP about a referral and mental health plan. It doesn't mean you're insane...it just means you may need professional help; there's no shame in that. It takes courage to admit something's not right. You've done that on this site and we've heard and acknowledged your cries for help. The rest is up to you. Don't hesitate to call on us again for help; it's what we do for each other.

Out and proud...Dizzy x

So why do I sit Here...Alone....Trying to Find a Reason to Go On?

Just Sara — Thu, 14 Jul 2016 07:24:54 GMT

I just want to add, you don't have to be experiencing crisis every second of the day to have problems. But saying you're not the happy person you used to be is a clue.

You don't have to see your GP just because I said it's a good idea either. That decision is yours.

Reading over what you've written is good therapy. Keeping a personal journal is like that. I've been doing it for over 20 years and reminds me sometimes how far I've come when I read the old one's.

Keep up the good work courageous girl...Dizzy x

So why do I sit Here...Alone....Trying to Find a Reason to Go On?

Dippy_Dora — Fri, 15 Jul 2016 01:12:23 GMT

Thank you Dizzy,

You are so right. I do need to tell my GP what is going on. I am such a dippy person, today the sun is shining and my mood is so different to yesterday. I have started a private Doom Diary so I can read how I felt each day and see if there is a cycle to these feelings.

People describe me as calm, friendly and easy-going....so on the outside I am like a Duck but underneath the surface there is a lot of angst going on which makes me feel tired and bored with myself. I have also realised (from this website) that I am subconsciously counting things all the time, making patterns in my mind of things that I see. I can remember being quite young and telling someone about this, they said everyone did it!!! So for all these years I thought it was normal to be doing this. I am keeping a diary of when I do it the most...sometimes I make patterns from words in my mind and repeat them I reckon that is what is making me feel so exhausted all the time. It could also be contributing to the lack of concentration and dippy-ness that I feel.

So why do I sit Here...Alone....Trying to Find a Reason to Go On?

Just Sara — Fri, 15 Jul 2016 15:38:51 GMT

Hi Dora;

I'll try and make this short as it's late.

Creating patterns in your mind tells me you may be trying to make sense of your life if it's in disarray or lacking in routine. Also, a home life of chaos sometimes is a contributor. Having a 'doom' diary is concentrating on the problem, not solutions. Try to learn to identify emotions and feelings in your body first. This relates to 'detachment'. That means the mind is doing all the work and not taking notice of your body. Getting into gardening for instance connects you to the earth and is grounding, or using both body and mind in activities.

I'm asking you see your GP as soon as possible and take your diary/journal with you. With this journal, pretend you're talking to it as if it were your best friend. Tell it your deepest secrets and desires. Tell it when life is hard and try not to analyse or judge your words too much. Then a few days later read it back to yourself. Keep it safe ok.

Your GP may prescribe med's that will help with the counting thing. I do it too, but don't dwell as it's not of concern in the scheme of things. But as I've said, "What you put off today, may come back and bite you in the bum later on."

Stay well and keep an eye on this site for comfort ok.

Kind thoughts...Dizzy x

So why do I sit Here...Alone....Trying to Find a Reason to Go On?

Dippy_Dora — Thu, 21 Jul 2016 07:25:25 GMT

Thank you Dizzy.