topic Anger depression in Depression

Anger depression

CMF — Sun, 23 Aug 2015 03:43:19 GMT

Hi does anyone suffer anger depression? I have depression and find that I feel so angry at the world and I have no tolerance of anything. I'm extremely aware of it and try to control it but can't. I just blow up, then feel more depressed and guilty because of my reaction. I yelled at a boy my son played sport against yesterday. I started the day great, He had a bit of attitude and the parent from his team was argumentative with us because of their error. When the boy showed attitude I just blew up. We did both apologise and I'm so regretful as it was a build up of other things that got to me but I just st can't take it anymore. I'm a single mum, 3 kids, manage 2 sports teams and cop crap from other parents who want to take their issues out on me. I feel like a walking time bomb.

Anger depression

White_Rose — Mon, 24 Aug 2015 08:58:23 GMT

Dear CMF

Anger is often a part of depression. People feel irritable and cranky and can "blow up" for little reason. I know I can be living my life OK and suddenly become annoyed and upset. Depending on the event I may yell or walk away. I try to walk away and I am getting more successful at this, but there are times....

How are you managing your depression? Do you have some professional help from a psychologist or your doctor? If not I think it is important to do this. I see you have written many posts/answers so I expect you are familiar with the reasons for getting assistance. Have you discussed this irritability with anyone in the past? What has been the outcome? Sorry about all the questions.

During the past three years I have had some truly horrible things happen to me. It has taken me this long to accept I need to put myself out of harm's way, so to speak. This means not being involved in activities that press my buttons. It has been extremely hard. Why should I give up doing what I like? Why can't others be reasonable? It's not my fault, why do I cop the aggro? And so on. And of course it's all true. I'm the one who has been traumatized and I have to leave my activities.

The reality is that other people do not care what damage they do and so are not about to change. They are not the people who get upset. For me it has been a journey of intense grief with lots of anger. I have received lots of counselling/therapy and I am begining to change my attitude. I am still angry at times and grief overwhelms me at times. But I have eventually moved on and have started on a different journey.

Rather a lot of information about me but I am the only one I know. Trying to do too much is a favourite sport for superwomen. Sadly we are not superwoman. Your children can still attend their sports but let someone else do the management. Don't say you will do it until someone else takes over as you will never leave. Give reasonable notice and then stop. Don't let guilt or flattery get in the way. It's a ploy used by people to get you to continue regardless of your health.

Being a mom is a huge job on it's own. I had four children so I've been there. Cut out all the extra jobs. You don't have a partner to take up the slack so you need to take care of yourself and be realistic.

Love to read your comments.

Mary

Anger depression

CMF — Mon, 24 Aug 2015 12:09:10 GMT

Hi Mary,

i don't see anyone fir my depression as I don't feel I get anything out of it I did try. I also get anxiety which I have found ways to manage. I do take on too much but I think people have the mentality that as I don't work I have the time and they take advantage I'm pretty sure I know the cause of my depression, it's a person and I've to,d him that the hurt he has caused me is the reason but he doesn't want to understand that just tells me depression is caused by lifestyle that as my life improves I will feel better.. I know this is not true . I agree with what you are saying about not engaging in activities that push my buttons I have said to others that I will not manage 2 sports teams next season. People can be so ignorant, they think things get done on their own this is what fuels my anger, that they just don't care and I carry the load for them. They are so inconsiderate considering they have never tried to do what I do and wouldn't cope if they did. Anyway I'm happy to just deal with things on my own and keep to myself? I have my good days. I don't care I don't rally mix with many people and I like that. I'm selective with who I mingle with. Even though my outburst on the weekend was unfair on the poor recipient I know the way I was feeling fuelled it I'm not a horrible person, I just don't have the support I need and I can only take so much

Anger depression

CMF — Mon, 24 Aug 2015 13:25:12 GMT

No one will ever know how much I regret yelling at that boy. He probably deserved a bit of a talking to but not the way I yelled at him. When he apologised for his behaviour he said it was his fault, that he shouldn't have behaved like that but I was worse. I exposed my self, I showed an ugly side of me that others People don't know exists. Never have I taken my depression / anger out on someone in public. what an awful person I am. I showed everyone the monster in me. I know it was depression anger sparking it but it's no excuse, no one else knows that, it was unfair. I hope I have the opportunity to explain myself to the other parents in our team. I hope they are not upset with my bad display and that they can understand. I never speak if my depression I hide it behind my smile. Only my daughters fathers have I told but he says it lifestyle, but Lot of it is him. I hate what I've become.

Anger depression

White_Rose — Mon, 24 Aug 2015 18:56:22 GMT

Dear CMF

Thanks for your replies. Please, don't beat yourself up over your outburst. I understand you feel embarrassed and ashamed. Fair enough, but accept these things happen. I will comment that the more you take the blame the more it will be accepted that you are a cranky and unfair person. You know this is not true. You are living in a difficult situation and just because no one knows about it does not give anyone the right to make your life difficult.

May I suggest you do not look for an opportunity to explain to the other parents. If anyone is particularly upset they will ask you. I suspect they will not do so, partly because they know you do a great job managing the team and do not want you to go. This may sound a little cynical but it's true.

It's sad that someone you care for has hurt you and is unable to support you. We all know that lifestyle may contribute to depression but it is not the cause. May I ask what is wrong with your lifestyle as far as this person is concerned? As your daughters' father I can see you must have some contact with him, but limit it as much as possible. I separated from husband 15 years ago. Unfortunately he is still around at all the family gatherings, which is fair enough. It just bugs me to see him under any circumstances.

I have a fantastic GP who helps me. Have you thought of talking with your GP about how he/she can help you. I visit my doctor regularly and have a long consultation to talk about my depression, medication etc. I get as much from this as from a psych. In fact I think I will soon stop seeing the psych. Hooray.

Keep writing if it helps.

Mary

Anger depression

CMF — Tue, 25 Aug 2015 04:32:30 GMT

Dear Mary,

thank you for your wise words. You are right, the more I bring it up the more the more it will be accepted that I'm that sort of person and yes if there was a great concern they would ask as would I especially if it was so out of character. I dud apologise at the ice and the parents did say it's ok and wanted to make sure I was ok. I guess they didn't see a need to make any further issue of it and nor should I. I never thought of it that way, I never do. I always think if I don't hear anything it just because they are upset with me. Typical negative thinking and lack of self belief I guess.

Asat as my "lifestyle" he sYs that when I eventually reduce or get rid of my big mortgage I'll feel better, feel freedom. He doesn't get it, my mortgage gets me down but I chose To stay in my home and I don't let it consume me as much as I used to.. what will be will be. I live day by day, having financial freedom does not take away the hurt that I feel, the things that I cannot forgive or forget. He will be in my life but it doesn't make it all ok. He says sell the house, buy something cheaper, there are bargains out there etc but it's not that easy. I need to uproot my3 kids, there is nothing out there in my price range that will accomodate 4 of us, I can't borrow much. It's easy for him today but he's never done it, he still lives at home, is planning to move out soon and is concerned about financial pressure Why would it be any easier for me? I don't u der stand how he doesn't get it, add anxiety/depression to the mix and it's even more difficult. I have accepted my financial situation, if the money runs out and we're forced to move do be it, until then my instincts tell me to stay put. I try to enjoy myself with minimal expectations he hadn't done much in his life as he is always waiting for the right time. The time is NOW, if we sit around wAiting for the right time we will die waiting. If I had to wait for him to do all the things he says he will I will die waiting cos it's alwAys tomorrow or next week or ... I don't wait for him anymore I do what I need to do when I need to do it..

Anger depression

Mike79 — Tue, 25 Aug 2015 05:34:11 GMT

Hi hi there I just joined this site today and read your post it really hit home I was sent home from work for abusing coworkers and getting angry when my boss? Me about it I broke down and admitted everything...

Anger depression

CMF — Tue, 25 Aug 2015 05:49:29 GMT

Hi Mike79,

im sorry for what happened to you but glad my post reached you, it was meant to be. What's been happening with you. You say you broke down and admitted everything, you're dealing with things no one knows about and that's hard, we all have a limit. We are all here to hear your story, please share if/when you feel you would like to.

CMF

Anger depression

White_Rose — Tue, 25 Aug 2015 08:20:32 GMT

Dear CMF

So pleased you are feeling more positive. Yes a mortgage is a drag, but I believe living in rented accommodation is more so. While you can afford the repayments I see no reason for you to leave. Giving up your lifestyle is no light matter. Your ex has all the benefits of living at home and no responsibilities as far as I can see. No wonder he fails to "get it". If he does move out and buy a home I suspect his attitude will change.

I understand it's difficult but getting toxic people out of your life is important. If he wants to be involved in the children's upbringing that's OK, but he has no right to tell you how to live your life.

This is just a quick note.

Mary

Anger depression

CMF — Sat, 29 Aug 2015 13:04:48 GMT

I don't know why I'm everyone's punching bag. I literally feel battered. My older kids are with their dad. My daughter went to a birthday party. He forgot all about it and admitted he screwed up. I sent my daughter a message to see how it was she said she didn't feel well and was on her own. No one really talking to her. I suggested she ask her dad to pick her up early so she did. I then got an abusive message from him telling me not to interfere on his weekend with things relating to the kids that it's nit my business etc. I felt sorry for my daughter on her own not feeling well. He will never u der stand that. When it's his "free weekend" and I gave the kids he doesn't want to be contacted or bothered but he contacts me constantly on my free weekends. Such a double standard, so black and white, so hypocritical. Everyone is taking their crap out on me. I was having a nice quiet night and it ended with that. Now I'm going to bed angry, crying and depressed. I wish I could live in a cave away from everyone.

Anger depression

CMF — Sun, 30 Aug 2015 06:49:33 GMT

he rang today to see if I wanted to go out and do something. it was lunchtime I was just about to feed the little one. told him I wasn;t feeling great and didn't really feel like going anywhere, I had a bad night and a disagreement with my ex husband. he rang back later he commented he hadn't seen the little one for a while, that I never ask him if he wants to go out and do something, that I never ask how he is etc. he hasn't wanted to be around us at times because of his anxiety which I understand. when we do go out for a meal he sits there playing games on his phone, and if the little one cries or gets cranky he gets aggitated and moody. if we go out in the afternoon the little one falls asleep in the car and I end up sitting in the car while he gets out and does what he needs to do. I explained all this, he said that I could make an effort to suggest catching up, that I havnt asked for 5 years (ive asked twice in the last 3 weeks and he declined - not feeling well and too busy)I told him that I am home every single night. I cant go anywhere as I have my two older kids with me and that he could come over any night of the week to see us if he wanted (he currently lives 2 streets away) he works every Saturday, he had a few weeks off as he is renovating his place but I didn't even know he took that time off until he rang one day and asked if I wanted to have lunch. his place is across town, it was 1pm I didn't have time to get there, have lunch and get back to pick up my daughter. he stays in bed till late, I told him there is not point going out in the afternoon as the little one falls asleep. he is right , idont communicate with him well but I am totally shut down which I have told him before. I don't see why all the pressure is on me for him to see us, I think its more so his parents can see her (he lives with them currently, I don't have much to do with them beacause of past issues) as he could come see us any day of the week. again -im the punching bag. I told him its better I just don't associate with anyone anymore as it always goes bad he says I cant put everyone in the same category. seems I have to accommodate everyone yet my depression is "lifestyle" issues not anything else. I guess im just not worthy of a normal simple life.

Anger depression

White_Rose — Sun, 30 Aug 2015 22:32:53 GMT

Dear CMF

Life has taken a nose dive for you again. Being expected to cater for everyone is not good for you, physically or psychologically. I really urge you to see your GP and book a long appointment. He/she is in the best position to help you. If you are not happy with your doctor then scroll to the bottom of the page and click on Find a Professional. This will take you to search facility where you can look for a GP by postcode. These GPs have experience in managing mental health issues.

It seems to me that your ex and current partner treat you with a great deal of disrespect. You are just a convenience to them and no one should be placed in this position. It's called bullying.

Part of the problem of depression is the belief that you have no value or rights. This is simply not true. Please let your GP refer you to a psychologist. I realise you have tried this before and felt it was not helpful. Maybe you had a poor psych. Some are not very good. Perhaps you went with the belief it would not work. In which case it probably will not work as you will just ignore what is said.

It's not just a matter of belief but of being willing to open up to the psych, listen to what is said and do the work they give you. You should be doing most of the talking with a few prompts from the psych. Ask questions about the way men in your life behave, how much is fair for you do, what the blokes' responsibilities are. In fact anything you want clarified. By talking about your way of life, as you have done above, you are revealing your difficulties and coping mechanisms. This is good as the psych can help you to see which are helpful and which are not. And more importantly, how to implement more effective ways of dealing with your life.

It takes time and hard work. It's not like going to the doctor for a prescription. Write down all the things that bother you and either read them to the psych or let him/her read them. You could copy this thread, or any parts of it, to you computer and print it out to take with you. I believe you would benefit from counselling such as this and be far more relaxed and content in your life.

I know this will not be easy, but something that improves your self-esteem, helps you make your own decisions, keeps you out of harms way and lets you concentrate on living a rewarding life with your children, is worth the effort.

Mary

Anger depression

janazantar — Wed, 02 Sep 2015 09:30:41 GMT

So glad you wrote this cause I absolutely feel this way quite often. I don't know if it's a sign I'm getting better or worse. Right now I'm furious at someone who a few days ago I felt really sad about. The anger comes on quick, so I completely understand the ticking time bomb feeling. I want to get rid of this anger and withdraw from the people who make me angry. I have a tendency to avoid emotion of all kinds since I was depressed for so long and when there were times I was coming back to vitality if I felt a little sad or some emotion got scared I was going to be depressed again and just didn't want to go through it again. Strange how quickly this disease makes you forget all moments of joy. I was in 'remission' for almost 2 yrs then I had a few days, weeks apart were I'd cry but feel better which was new. Only a couple of hours of crying, not weeks. I didn't fear straight away that it was depression again but over the last few weeks a nice big fat depression has fully kicked back in and with a vengeance that feels really quick. That tight chest feeling like someone is squeezing you from the inside and out, frantic to escape your own mind and just stop this crushing feeling and crying, no not crying gut retching sobbing in your car where you can be alone and telling yourself to stop being stupid - this is ridiculous - you're out of control. But once I started accepting I was depressed again I've been doing all the things I'm supposed to do to help it along and try and get better. Very reluctantly of course cause I don't feel like it, I want to sit on the couch, close the curtains and turn off the lights but as my psychologist says you won't feel like doing them but you need to try - not big things just little stuff like go outside and look at the garden, maybe even walk around the garden - just try to get a little movement back so the cortisol will release a bit and free your mind so it can maybe be quiet for a moment. I've only cried a few times this week (yeh) but today I got really angry. I'm still trying to calm down but anger is better than despair so maybe it's not all bad. Writing it down helps rather than keeping me circling in that moment of anger - if it had hit while the person was around instead of via an e-mail I wouldn't have been so calm. Sure you felt guilt for yelling at that boy but just remember there's more of us out there that have felt the same, done the same and today it would have been me if I hadn't already been home.

Anger depression

T84 — Wed, 19 Sep 2018 09:15:02 GMT

Hello, I feel for you, I'm sorry I'm not good at giving out advice but I'd just like to say you're not alone. I'm pretty much empty 99% of the time and feel I have no purpose I get very upset over what other people think is barely an issue but they don't feel the anguish and sadness I feel. I've lost jobs, friends and family because of the way Iam, I always try but always let myself down. I hope things improve for you.

Anger depression

CMF — Thu, 20 Sep 2018 21:12:52 GMT

Hi T84,

Welcome to the forums. I am in a much better place at the moment, thx for caring.

How are you going. Do be gentle to yourself. You'll meet many wonderful people on the forums, hope to hear more from you.

Take care

Cmf x

Anger depression

Anonym — Sat, 13 Oct 2018 02:36:20 GMT

Dear CMF,

I have just read your posts. I too struggle with depression & terrible anger issues particularly with women. I grieve for the opportunities and potential friendships I have destroyed throughout my life. I really can relate to that trait which you clearly described as ugly; I don't like myself for that side of my personality either. I too am trying to take active steps to lessen this.

It's maybe a paradox but so often have I wanted to reach out to others (and particularly women) only to have this other awful side of me wreck things. I too recently yelled and shouted at someone because my hot buttons were being pressed. I tried my best to apologise but the damage was done. Yet again I lost and destroyed the chance to become friends with & possibly find closeness to someone. Later on in a private space alone, I cried and cried for the loss of this woman. I am not Australian born so the strong silent type of man as often espoused in Australia is not me at all. I believe in being honest; anger for me is likely driven by a sense of vulnerability and not weakness.

I crave closeness to women very much in an emotional & safety sense but I just push them away. I get angry because I never see myself as being anything but an immature child inside a 55 year old man's body.

Anger for me is driven by my own sense of failure & despair. I do at times lose all hope. Consequently I never expect to be taken seriously as a potential friend and subconsciously nudge things along to an abrupt end. I see other males round me who have confidence & assurance; I lack any of that. Anger is for me is also sadness & a sense of loss before it has even happened.

With this woman, I indeed tried to apologise. But this failed, and I have to accept my fault. It just doesn't make the sense of loss any easier to deal with.

This has been a real watershed experience; I find myself now trying to reach out to people - letting them know when or why I am upset before I reach for the anger button. I try to put things in the context of the depression talking; sometimes people will listen sometimes they won't so it's a bit of a gamble. As you rightly advise, reaching out and trying to talk to the person you are angry with helps - if they are willing to listen.

Anger depression

Jac68 — Tue, 25 Jun 2019 01:17:33 GMT

I can relate to these feelings too!