topic It wasn't supposed to be like this in Depression

It wasn't supposed to be like this

Kassa81 — Tue, 18 Aug 2015 13:46:54 GMT

Hi,

I don't reallyknow where to begin. ....i have struggled with depression on and off for years. At least about 15.....i have been on and off medication and am currently meant to be taking some but have to go back and get a script from my gp.

I am usually happy to take my meds but sometimes i get sick of them. ....

For as long as i can remember i wanted to get married have children and be a stay at home mum. After 4 years of trying we finally got pregnant with my beautiful daughter. I finished work and have been a stay at home mum ever since. (Just over 2 years)

I adore my daughter and wouldn't change her for the world.

I guess the best to describe how i feel is trapped. I have multiple layers of guilt. I feel guilty for not being a working mum, i would feel guilty if i worked. I feel bad that i don't get all the house work done and feel like i don't spend enough time with bub.

I am exactly where i want to be but still miserable. I feel like my husband doesn't care or get how i feel. Some days all i can manage is feeding my daughter and i.....

It wasn't supposed to be like this

Mangof — Tue, 18 Aug 2015 20:34:14 GMT

Good morning Kassa81 welcome to the BB group thanks for posting it takes bravery to do so to people that don't know you I'm glad you did. Firstly congrats on becoming parents after trying for so long that's awesome! And I can tell you are a great mum, please don't feel guilty for not working I too had to give up work,because of of being diagnosed with depression and anxiety it drove me to tears to start with but my hubby was supportive in reminding me that sometimes "less means more" I now fill my days with jobs that show my family how much I love them, like a chocolate cake waiting for afternoon tea it's the small things that mean a lot,the kids love me being home when they get home from school and work something they missed earlier on growing up, if I could turn back the clock I would have spent a lot more time with them as babies. Medication, now here's where I say to you a happy wife is a happy life and if it helps you become a better mum and wife then make sure you take them we as parents have a full time job and being on top of medications just helps us cope a lot better. When I'm feeling low it's hard to do the basics like washing etc so I just choose a couple of things and that's ok! And I know how hard those two things can be to get done, don't sweat the small stuff focus on you and baby first but remember that a partnership with your husband is so important make time for just you and him, a cuddle and a cuppa when baby is asleep, play your favourite movie or music let him know how much you appreciate that he goes to work for his family. I hope this is of help.

I'm sure there are many women who would love to be at home with the children but for reasons they can't so enjoy every moment being a at home mum watching your beautiful daughter laugh and giggle, sleep and grow treasures that just make our day wonderful.

wishing you all the best

stay happy

Mangof

It wasn't supposed to be like this

Neil_1 — Wed, 19 Aug 2015 00:02:23 GMT

Hi there Kassa

And like Mangof before me, I too would like to welcome you to Beyond Blue and to thank you for providing your post.

Mangof has provided a really helpful and positive response back to you and I hope that you were able to find some good points to pluck out of that – and that’s from someone who’s been there and done that. (Oh and the thought of coming home to chocolate cake sounds mouth-wateringly yummy).

I’d just like to chip in with a couple of things as well.

Firstly, please DO get back to your gp so you can get that script for your medication – and then begin to take them again (and just make it routine, so it becomes like brushing your teeth, or knowing how to drive) – it becomes 2nd nature. If you go on them and then off and back on, and off again, there is no consistency with it and so the meds won’t be able to become established enough in your system to be of the benefit that they should be for you.

Also, I have no doubt that you are doing an awesome job as a Mum and that your beautiful little girl is being loved, adored, cared for and all the rest that a wonderful Mum does.

I’m also not sure what you think about this idea – but as winter IS behind us (well, almost) and spring is just around the corner, the weather is warming up a bit – how about popping your daughter in a stroller and going out for a bit of a wander along the street for a while. Just for a short while, if you’re not used to that – and then every day or every second day, slowly build it up so you’re going a bit further each time. Also, you never know what sights you may see so you can show your daughter along the way? But doing this will also help build up fitness and being fit does make a big difference to how we feel each and every day.

Just a thought.

Would love to hear back from you.

Neil

It wasn't supposed to be like this

geoff — Wed, 19 Aug 2015 00:34:19 GMT

dear Kassa, well thank you so much for posting your comment, as it's never easy to post your first comment.

I hope that you can accept what I am about to say and not to discard them, because I feel as though you are punishing yourself and not giving yourself any leverage at all, well I don't think that you should do this to yourself.

Being a new mum has a great deal of responsibility, and actually it's a full time job, one which is not recognised, it's by no means a 9 to 5 job it's 24/7 and you will be able to continue on working and earning money when your daughter can be looked after or when she goes to kindergarden.

Goodness me time passes so quickly and please don't feel guilty, because your position/job is a very important one, to raise your daughter especially after waiting 4 years of bad luck, and now she's 2, so it won't be long before she can go to school/kindergarden.

Be proud of achieving what you and your husband were always planning, and lets face it 'how can anyone keep a house tidy with a youngster', you clean up and then it's a mess again, it's impossible and you should not punish yourself if the house is not up to standard. L Geoff. x

It wasn't supposed to be like this

Flora — Wed, 19 Aug 2015 00:51:50 GMT

Hi Kassa81,

Guilt is a horrible thing and can definitely make you feel trapped. I think you should try to ease up on yourself (I know it's easier said than done) and instead of focussing on what you haven't done or what you feel you should have done, focus on what you have achieved (which, being a mother, is no doubt a lot every day). Remember your main job as a mum is to keep your children alive and love them, which it sounds like you're doing.

When I think about my mum, I realise that the reason I love her and appreciate her so much is because she's always loved me, deeply and unconditionally, not because she ironed or did the dishes.

Also, being a stay at home mum doesn't mean it's your job to do all the housework on your own. Maybe you need to ask your partner for some help around the house?

Having an understanding and supportive partner has been extremely important for my depression and anxiety, and I think this might be something worth focussing on for you.

Do you see a psychologist? If not, it might be worth getting your GP to refer you to one. And perhaps your husband could attend a session with you so someone with the right knowledge and words can explain to him what you're going through and how he can help. When you're depressed it's not always easy to know how you're feeling, let alone articulate it to someone else.

Really hope you find some peace and remember: Guilt is for people who are doing bad things, not for mothers who are trying to raise a family, run a house and manage depression! 🙂

It wasn't supposed to be like this

Kassa81 — Wed, 19 Aug 2015 02:30:44 GMT

Hi Neil,

Thank you for your reply 🙂

I have started walking to get better and today i made an appointment with a new dietician. I do try to stay on my meds but sometimes i just start thinking maybe i can handle it on my own as i would prefer not to be on medication for the rest of my life.

My daughter had a bit of a rough start as far as eating and throwing up were concerned. I try to put her in the pram but she ends up just screaming the whole way and to be honest most days i can't handle it.

I have a treadmill and am trying to get back into that which will be easier now as bubs has finally starting sleeping 2 hours during the day.

I have started to do more activities with her on a daily basis which is also helping. I am so glad I finally joined a forum as I really find very few people who understand me and find myself screaming like a banchie some days.

Karen

It wasn't supposed to be like this

Kassa81 — Wed, 19 Aug 2015 02:34:42 GMT

Hi Mangof,

Thank you for your reply so much.

I do question a lot if i am doing the right thing for my daughter and so have started to do more activities for her and getting some art things sorted for her.

I definitely find house work overwhelming some days and try to explain it to my husband but he doesn't get it. I do try to organise date nights but hubby is so stressed most of the time that he won't talk to me or he just doesn't enjoy himself.

I tell him all the time that i appreciate him going out to work but i just want him to talk to me when he gets home. I know he is tired but so am i and honestly it would be nice to have some adult company occassionaly without having to go see a girlfriend.

I like the idea of baking....:)

Kas

It wasn't supposed to be like this

Kassa81 — Wed, 19 Aug 2015 02:36:33 GMT

Hi Geoff,

Thank you so much for your reply!!! It has definitely made me smile 🙂

Kas

It wasn't supposed to be like this

Kassa81 — Wed, 19 Aug 2015 02:40:44 GMT

Hi Flora,

Thank you so much!! I am actually going to talk to my gp about a psychologist when i see her.

I have tried to talk to my husband but he doesn't seem to get it and really thinks that i am blaming him. You are right it is really hard to articulate how i feel sometimes.

Thank you so much for the lovely things you said 🙂 It's nice to know that love is the best thing as I can definitely do that for my daughter.

Kas

It wasn't supposed to be like this

Neil_1 — Wed, 19 Aug 2015 04:34:32 GMT

Hi there Karen

Hey, great to hear back from you and also, ‘thank you’ for providing a lovely reply to everyone who posted to you. That was really lovely of you.

I’m pleased to hear that you are conscious of the fitness aspect and that you have a treadie as well – I do too and it’s just been so very convenient when the weather has been crap. But even more so for you, due to having your little one close by.

It’s always a tough thing to discuss with the partner – about how difficult things are and to get them to (a) understand and (b) accept. If it continues along that way, I’d be suggesting that if he doesn’t understand and makes you feel bad about it, then pose him the question of “taking up my role for a day” and see how you like it? Karen, I’m not meaning to sound harsh there at all towards hubby – it’s just that this seems to be an issue for you, as I’ve read it in a couple of your responses back.

I do like the suggestion you made about trying to organise even a date night – or perhaps even trying to get a movie, that you both might enjoy and to put that on after the little one goes down for the evening?

Again, great to hear back from you.

Neil

It wasn't supposed to be like this

White_Rose — Wed, 19 Aug 2015 07:18:31 GMT

Dear Karen

Hello. Great to read your posts and to know you are getting fantastic help from other BB posters.

Normally I would not jump in here as you have great people talking to you. However, I have noticed that your husband is not as much support to you as he could be. I understand there are all sorts of reasons for this so I am not knocking him particularly. I would like to draw your attention to the literature that BB has on this site. If you browse the links under The Facts and Resources on the tabs at the top of the page you will find all sorts of solid information.

You can download much of this or ask BB to post the fact sheets and booklets to you. There is a section, under Resources, especially for Family and Friends. Please take a look at this. Get BB to send you a couple of copies of the various bits and give them to your husband to read. What you find difficult to explain is set out in these publications. You can then add the more personal bits about yourself once he has digested the overview.

Because this information comes from Beyond Blue it has a great deal of credibility. It is very common for family members to dismiss anxiety and depression as an attention seeking ploy, an excuse for someone to slack off, something the person can get over by pulling themselves together. Even if your husband does not say any of these hurtful comments they be in the back of his mind, hence his reluctance to chat about it.

The info also states that no one is to blame and you can add to this. You can explain that this is not a blame thing and that support is not just useful but vital for your well-being. He gets his quota of adult interaction at work, even when he wishes no one would speak to him. You have a baby to talk to and usually it lovely. I know when I was at home with four littlies under five I would have loved some adult conversation, and not just about the best brand of nappies to buy.

There were times when I felt trapped and wondered what had happened to the essential me. I became involved in local activities such as the kindergarten, volunteer helper in the classroom, tuck shop. I know your daughter is a little young for this ATM, so look for play groups that meet in the local park etc where you can talk to other moms and the children play together. Good for everyone.

Ask your GP for suggestions, read the local paper for these groups and other opportunities, or go to the local library. The housework can wait.

I would love hear if any of this is useful.

Mary

It wasn't supposed to be like this

Kassa81 — Wed, 19 Aug 2015 11:25:41 GMT

Hi Mary,

Thank you so much for the info. I will definitely go through and download stuff tomorrow.

I guess the problem is that we have been together for 8 years and when we started dating i warned him about my moods and that if he needed to he could call my mother (one of the few people who slightly understands me) she doesn't understand depression but she gets that it's the reason I am the way i am and do or don't do the things I do.

I guess I have always had a belief in the back of my head that i can fix it. I am learning as my little one is growing up that this just isn't the case. I sometimes feel like I should be able to do all the normal things people take for granted without so much exhaustion and effort. I try to explain how my head works and how hard just every day life is for me but he just doesn't get it.

My husband really is quite lovely the problem is for him all about money. He wishes he earns enough that i wold never have to go back to work and we would be fine. ( we are actually ok financially he just doesn't think it)

I have started taking my depression a lot more seriously as I am a severe diabetic and am terrified that my daughter may end up with it so I want to make sure i can teach her all the right things about food (one of my major flaws) and build in daily exercise for her. For the first 6 months of her life i barely had the energy to feed us both let alone anything else.

I try not to feel too guilty as that really won't get me anywhere but it's all the thoughts that go through my mind. I am going to talk to my gp about increasing my meds too so i can get a good start on walking and eating correctly. I am just sick of every little thing affecting me so much.

I will let you know how we go once we have gone through all the literature.

Thank you for letting me rant 🙂

Kas

It wasn't supposed to be like this

Kassa81 — Wed, 19 Aug 2015 11:27:29 GMT

Hi Neil

thanks for another reply. I am so glad i joined this group and posted. I wish i had done it a long time ago!!!

Karen

It wasn't supposed to be like this

White_Rose — Wed, 19 Aug 2015 18:33:19 GMT

Dear Kas

Ranting is a good thing to do. Keep it up.

I noticed in an earlier post that you said you were going to talk to your GP about meeting with a psychologist. I think that is a hugely positive step. There are many problems with depression. One of them is the urge to get well again, and why not. Just as any other illness affects the way we feel and what we do, depression makes feel like the pits. So of course we want to get well.

Unfortunately it's one of those long term things, not like the 'flu, and requires patience. But while we are getting to a good place we are in so much pain. I've been told many times that I am impatient and it's quite true. I want to be well yesterday, or at least today, so I fight like mad and try and rush the process. When that doesn't work I get angry and despondent, believe I will never change, that I'm hopeless and useless etc. You get the picture.

It's hard work and I sit beside my road and cry about the injustice of it all. Then someone or something comes along and helps me up and I start walking again. It's like losing weight; losing it slowly is the most certain way to have a lifelong result, there is no fast way for a long term positive outcome. And yes I get well and truly ticked off.

You have done the same as so many of us in trying to get well again. And there's nothing wrong with that. In fact it's great. It's the tortoise and the hare story. We all want to be the hare and get to the end quickly, but we get sidetracked by promises of a quick fix, the belief we do not need help, medication is unnecessary, we can hide, we can pretend. And so the list goes on. Meanwhile, back at the camp, the tortoise is making its way to the end of the race.

I often wonder what the tortoise thinks about as it plods along. Probably wishes it could move faster. But the tortoise has what many of us need, a solid shell to protect us from the weather and other dangers. We need to learn our own defense mechanisms. Not to hide behind but to give us the assurance we can manage in the world. And this takes time to create.

Well so much for my fable analogy. One of the things we must settle in our minds is the grief of being depressed. It hurts so much and all we want is for it to go away. This is where we need our courage to continue and to trust those who can help us move forward on our journey. Just like a physio helping us to walk after a broken leg.

Giving myself pictures and stories helps me to recognise where I am and where I am going.

Mary

It wasn't supposed to be like this

Mangof — Wed, 19 Aug 2015 20:59:28 GMT

Hi Kassa81,

its great to see so many care and are offering some helpful sound advice, good on you for starting to exercise and plan art for your daughter, seeing a dietician etc this means you are moving forward fantastic small steps!

have you thought of swimming lessons for mum and bubs? Good way for both of you to exercise and meet new people and bubs will be so tired afterwards. Maybe when the weather warms up you may like to think about it. I to use to do art with our kids and now they love it nothing like giggles because more paint,play dough or flour on them than on the paper or bench. Photographing or filming was always a winner then showing dad when he got home. Worrying about money issues is so common nowadays we've all been there done that and still doing it, but the truth is there are more important things than money, life,love,smiles,singing,intimacy,peace, things that warm the heart.

Its lovely to see you being proactive and I think you deserve your own cake! Reward yourself for being a beautiful mum, wife and person (everyone should do this I think!)

focus on the good things, your inspirational and have got me thinking about how I can move forward just a little to so thanks 🙂 coming on here not only helps us but helps others and that in itself is great don't you think?

stay happy 🙂

Mangof

It wasn't supposed to be like this

White_Rose — Wed, 19 Aug 2015 23:25:01 GMT

Dear Kas

Ranting is good, keep it up.

I wrote a long response to you in the early hours of this morning.To my dismay my post has appeared. And it was so fantastic (smile).

Depression can make you feel exhausted. In part it is the effort of keeping up appearances, showing the world your "well" face, otherwise known as a mask. This uses huge amounts of energy. Another reason could be totally unrelated to your depression. I have recently stopped taking blood pressure tabs and I now have the most tremendous energy.

It has a flow on effect on my moods, for the better I hastily add, and I am so much more able to cope. I feel I am recapturing the energy of my younger days. Well I suppose that's a bit much to ask but I am feeling good. It may be good to ask your GP for a thorough medical check. Not just your medication but tests for deficiencies such as iron, vitamins B & D and anything else the doctor can think of. We get so convinced it's all to do with depression that other suspects are forgotten.

The belief we can fix ourselves is very common. I think it stems from the belief, however suppressed, that we are not worthy of help, that it is a sign of weakness, it will go away by itself because that's how it arrived. We get fed up with taking medication and trying to think in different ways. Have you ever done any Cognitive Behaviour Therapy (CBT)? So long as your psych does not make it a matter of charts and descriptions but keeps it straight forward, I think it may be useful to you.

Diabetes is another common difficulty we have. My diabetes is well controlled ATM and I am gradually losing weight which I hope will help. But it is very tricky and certainly impacts on your day to day routine. With my weight loss I have made a major change in my thinking. I have finally stopped being resentful about my eating needs & I have developed my own eating routine. Being told by dietitians what to do just makes me cross. I know what a good diet is and I am managing OK.

The reason I say all this is because attitude is the biggest part of recovery. It's taken me many years to come to a resolution about diet and weight and this is due to work I have done with my GP and psych. Or should say the work they have done with me. Changing my thinking. I have read about about neuroplasticity, the brain's capacity to forge new links and pathways, no matter the age of the person concerned. Changing our default thinking pattern opens up a new world of possibilities. Try looking it up.

Mary