topic Intense self hatred in Depression

Intense self hatred

MisterM — Fri, 18 Dec 2015 00:58:50 GMT

I don't know what is wrong with me.
I have an intense self hatred and at times it spills over into hating everything around me including people at times.
I have begun avoiding meeting new people or going to events with people I barely know through the live music scene as I think I am not worthy of people's time and love. I have given up on trying to find a girlfriend, I don't find myself appealing and think I am not good looking. I have stopped performing my music at open mic as I feel like I am making a fool of myself. I have stopped looking for a job. I have lost all self belief.

And the mental abuse by my mum has ramped up lately.
She keeps telling me I bring her and my dad shame and have been bringing them down due to being unemployed and wants me to keep it secret from their friends and relatives.
She noticed grey strands coming out of my hair and told me no girl will ever want me.
Add to that the bad bullying at my most recent job this year.
It just reinforces what I think about myself.

I feel like I am becoming bitter, hateful and twisted lately.

Intense self hatred

Jacko777 — Fri, 18 Dec 2015 03:45:41 GMT

G'day Mister M,

I think I would feel pretty bad about myself too if I was constantly told that I am bad by my mum. Have you seen a counsellor about this at all? They would really help to unravel what is going on.

Criticism from our parents goes straight to the heart. Perhaps you could try being the judge of your self for a while...don't be judged by others. You can listen to what others say and then have a think about where the truth lies. Your mum's mental abuse would be a reflection of her, not you? You are not your mum. If your mum feels shame cause you don't have a job, that's her issue I reckon. (You don't have to tell her that!) It makes me cringe that she would say that no girl will ever want you, you don't have to believe her. You can prove her wrong and you can still find compassion for her and whatever is behind her comments.

It's time to get some love back in your heart brother, focus on doing the things you love that make you happy, focus off the negative. And only take to heart comments from other people if you know them to be true.

Jack

Intense self hatred

MisterM — Thu, 24 Dec 2015 03:48:48 GMT

Thank Jack,

I find it hard to block her words out, people just say walk away, don't reply but I cannot do that, I have to stand there and say it's not true. I believe what she says, it hits me where it hurts.
When I made this thread I was having a down mood, I feel embarrassed, when I am in a good mood I don't hate everything, it's like depression takes over my head.

Intense self hatred

Paul — Sat, 26 Dec 2015 01:17:50 GMT

Hey MisterM

It's horrible when we feel depressed because our sensitivity to negative things really gets amplified and it's almost impossible to stop our negative warpy thinking. As you mentioned, when you aren't depressed you look back and feel embarrassed. It's something that happens to most of us when the fog lifts. I can see the up and down struggles you expressed in your other post especially in the last few days with your Mum.

I'm a bit stuck for advice except that making a plan to get well, try and find some independence. This will likely happen with help from your Dr and possibly a long chat with your mum when you feel better. She might think she is giving you advice and tough love, but not realise it is hurting you so much.

Please give yourself some time at the moment to ride through the depression, the storm will pass soon and you'll be able to make a plan to get well with your Dr's help. They might help you with how to talk to your mum and express how her behaviour is hurting.

Take care mate.

Paul

Intense self hatred

Guest_1055 — Sat, 26 Dec 2015 15:35:08 GMT

Hey Mister M

I'm sorry you are living through all this stuff with your mum, it would not be easy, I am guessing. And I think pretty painful, especially if we have a sensitive heart.

One thing I have learnt about bitterness and hatred though is to get rid of it. For me it is like a poison within your very soul. Do whatever it takes to rid yourself of it.

Do you actually write your own songs? I am not sure if you do, but couldn't you just get out how you are feeling in your music, or something? Just to sort of let it go.... just let it go...

I am not real sure of this yet, but I think once we work out how to get this bitterness, anger, hatred or non beneficial emotion out from within, our physical appearance.... well it looks more attractive. I think harboring these emotions makes our hearts ugly. Well these are just my thoughts, and I am not sure if I have helped in any way. But I do truly care. Many hugs.

Shelley xx

Intense self hatred

MisterM — Sun, 27 Dec 2015 03:36:21 GMT

Hi Paul and Shelley,

Thank you for your posts.

Shelley, yeah I write songs, I hate the early stuff I wrote as a lot was based on my mum. I don't want her ruling my music too. So I have stopped writing about her. It didn't really help me. It was like wallowing in the hurt.

Yeah moving out will be helpful, I am unemployed, I feel like I cannot face the workplace and bullies there. If I could afford to I would leave today. I just want to get away from my mum and my family in general. They are nothing like me and I tolerate them, I don't love them.

Intense self hatred

MisterM — Wed, 30 Dec 2015 08:08:01 GMT

It's back.
Feeling pretty crappy.
I was at a red light and noticed in the car behind me a young couple enjoying their time together in the car, smiling, being romantic and I just thought noone will love you like that, you've never had a girlfriend, you don't know what love is and you never will.

Intense self hatred

Jacko777 — Wed, 30 Dec 2015 11:12:37 GMT

Hi MisterM,

I know what it's like mate, you have good days and you have bad days. It happened to me the other day, i was rolling along quite nicely, feeling good about life, then one moment changes all that and I fell into despair. The trick for me is how quickly I can get back on track.

These thoughts you had, that no one will love you like that, I reckon that is your response to something being triggered in you. If you can find what is being triggered you might find that is not the 'real' you but a belief you have formed about your self, perhaps informed by your Mum. Because it's not true is it? You can be loved, you deserve to be loved just as much as anyone else.

So once you have the realisation that you do deserve to be loved you can get back on track. You could write some scenarios down on paper, things that trigger a negative reaction, read them over and think about why you react the way you do.

Jack

Intense self hatred

White_Rose — Thu, 31 Dec 2015 00:59:58 GMT

Dear MisterM

I have noticed your posts on other threads. So pleased to have discovered this post. I gather you still live at home and I think someone has suggested you move out. Sounds like a good idea as you will not be subjected to your mom's bullying. However it may be difficult if you have no income.

Yes, good days and bad days. And it takes only the blink of an eye to change. So when you are having a good day, it's the time to find strategies to cope with the bad. What do you do? I find it very hard at the moment to change my thinking and the smallest trigger will reverse all the good stuff. Last night I was watching TV and thinking how much better I was feeling and had been for a few days. This morning I crashed big time. So back to picking myself up again.

For me I need to engage in activities I enjoy and that have a good or enjoyable outcome. So washing the dishes is not the best activity, although clean dishes is a good outcome I suppose. Writing songs is great. No need to write about your mom as you have said. What about the good things you have done in your life, or your ambitions?

Do you have any professional help. I often suggest this although it's not the only thing available. Give it a go if you have not already done so.

Mary

Intense self hatred

MisterM — Thu, 31 Dec 2015 04:49:54 GMT

Hi Jacko,

It's like I am possessed by another being inside of me telling me how pathetic I am, I want to free myself of the pain but cannot do it.
My mum was the trigger for my current episode, before that I was exercising again every morning and feeling good, now I am back to being a slob hating myself.
I just feel I have never had a girlfriend and am 31, I just feel like I am not meant to be happy and that it is too late to save me from my self hate.

Thank you for replying.

Intense self hatred

MisterM — Thu, 31 Dec 2015 04:56:15 GMT

Hi Mary,

I tried listening to music in my car today, it didn't really take my mind in a better place.
I have stopped listening to music this past week.
Yeah I am still home, I got kicked out of home last week but I guess my mum wasn't true to her word.
Usually my family treating me bad are triggers for me, or if I have a bad moment at work.
I don't know if I have ambitions, I feel lost. I just want a career that means something.
Sure I write songs, but need to be realistic, there are so many songwriters around that it is hard to make it big. I want to go back to uni but not sure at what to study.
To be honest I've given up on life the second half of this year.

I can't afford to see the psychologist I used to see often and felt comfortable with.
I have my follow up with my psychologist in Feb to check how I am going one year after being on AD's.
I am not sure they are working, I used to feel better when I first got on them but since June I have gone back to how I was before taking them. I felt more positive the first 6 months, it's like they've worn off.

Thanks for replying.

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Intense self hatred

MisterM — Sat, 28 May 2016 07:46:37 GMT

I don't know why this anger is boiling inside me and why it's come to my mind again.

But from time to time the things my long estranged sister said to me when I was growing up still hurts and angers me.

She used to say things like "why don't you go to the gym to add muscle like other guys your age?", "why don't you go to the solarium? you're too white", "why don't you dress nice like those guys over there?" etc.

This still bothers me all these years later. That my sister never considered me to be masculine enough or worthy enough.

Sorry had to vent.

Intense self hatred

Paul — Sat, 28 May 2016 23:18:02 GMT

Hi MisterM

Do you feel masculine enough and worthy enough?

And in particular - enough for what?

Paul

Intense self hatred

MisterM — Sun, 29 May 2016 02:32:51 GMT

Hi Paul,

I was never a macho guy but not effeminate either, like halfway between.
At high school I was called the f and p words for a gay man even though I am straight.
I am happy with who I am I just hate people thinking something is wrong with how I am.
It makes me feel like a freak and self conscious.
I am just hurt I am not accepted for who I am and I am made to feel like I need to conform to the stereotypical macho male. I hate that my sister sees me as a weak wuss.

Intense self hatred

Paul — Sun, 29 May 2016 22:02:10 GMT

Hi mate,

If your sister is long estranged, what do her opinions matter?

It has me wondering where the insecurity comes from.

If I were to describe my dad be wouldn't be macho. He wouldn't be effeminate. He would be a three epitome of a realistic man who is just himself. Gentle nature, masculinity, warmth and all the middle of the road things that make a man unique.

You are who you are and having to be macho or more masculine begs the question "for what purpose?" because it seems the only person who can't accept it is yourself.

Paul

Intense self hatred

Neil_1 — Mon, 30 May 2016 00:24:16 GMT

Mister M,

All those things your sister said, the best thing you could have responded with as soon as she’d finished was, “Dear sis, why don’t you just shut the &^%$ up!”

I’m me, I’m who I am; it’s my life and if you don’t like it, well I’m sorry for that, but I’m fine as is.

And ok, as you said, it was a long time ago, but try and take on this thought now. You are you – you’re your own individual and there’s no one else like you, which is bloody awesome. We’re all unique individuals – we all do things slightly different to everyone else and yet, we’re all still humans. If someone else doesn’t like something about us, then that’s their issue/their problem.

The big thing you’ve got to be able to do is to look in the mirror and say “I’m happy, I’m fine with who I am”. And if you’re not – then ask yourself why? What is the reason?

If it’s because of somebody else, then screw that – who cares.

But if it’s because of something inside you – then dig that something out and examine it and find out what it is? Then address it.

Hope this made sense.

Neil

Intense self hatred

MisterM — Mon, 30 May 2016 01:17:46 GMT

Thank you Paul and Neil.
I don't know why I get angry, I should just let it go.
My sister always liked putting me down. She would come over and tell my mum how I have no friends and my job doesn't pay well. She's always putting me down. I hate her guts.

Intense self hatred

Paul — Tue, 31 May 2016 21:29:35 GMT

Just look after yourself MisterM and make sure you are eating well and being kind to yourself.

The rest is in the past and your happiness lies in the future what your choice to let your hatred really go.

Intense self hatred

EloiseS — Tue, 14 Jun 2016 06:49:03 GMT

First of all you need support!!

Your mother sounds cruel and if you can then your next step needs to be to remove yourself from that unhealthy environment where you receive criticism instead of love and support. Can you rent a place, move in with a friend or get flat mates? You might get rent assistance from the government.

You say you are unattractive?? There is more to you than your outward appearance, you can show the true you through your music which seems to be where you derive enjoyment.

My daughter does open mics too and I have never ever seen one bad performance from anyone. I think anyone that gets up there has extraordinary courage and you should be proud of yourself! Get yourself back into music but try not to listen to sad despondent tunes as that can make you feel worse. Save up a file of upbeat songs that make you want to sing and dance. This always helps me in my darkest moments.

🙂