topic When determination & motivation become a problem by interfering with self care in Depression

When determination & motivation become a problem by interfering with self care

Elizabeth CP — Wed, 10 Feb 2016 22:05:29 GMT

I was doing well for a while. After motivating sessions with psychologist & psychiatrist and life stresses easing somewhat I set some goals and started working towards them. I kept a daily record of how I was going with each of the different goals and this proved helpful by focusing on what I had achieved rather than what I hadn't done. I had a couple of bad nights sleep one due to my husband being unwell but still kept myself going. Unfortunately I remained tired and was unable to sleep in to catch up. My problem now is that I am in the middle of a project at home which is taking longer than expected partly because pushing myself to work when tired has led to mistakes and inefficiency.

I either push myself as I did last night and then when I stop I can't relax which then stops me sleeping creating ongoing problems or I give in and rest but then I keep noticing all the stuff needing doing so can't get the rest I needed. I have had long term problems with pushing myself too hard and not caring for myself. If I am not being productive I feel worthless which makes my depression worse but fatigue is also a huge trigger for depression. This pushing myself has been a pattern since a traumatic event as a child which left me feeling guilty for doing nothing to help so feeling useless is a trigger for very negative self talk.

Does anyone else have problems balancing being motivated & productive & carrying out more relaxing activities / self care to remain well

When determination & motivation become a problem by interfering with self care

Paul — Thu, 11 Feb 2016 00:00:30 GMT

Hi Elizabeth CP,

It's interesting how a bad night's sleep has spiralled and touched triggers along the way. As you would well know, slowing the spiral down again letting go of the inordinate pressures we impose on ourselves is the key.

It's easier said than done and I can completely relate to how something small grows and drags us down.

I wonder how you would go if you made time to relax, but not sit on the lounge or anything, head out for a walk and really listen and see and smell as you go. I think the way to arrest the spiral is finding a way to relax and regain your energy without feeling as though you should be doing something. A walk, anywhere taking in everything as if it were new to you and observing things with all of your senses (except for of course tasting things as you go, that could get a bit silly!)

During your walk, your brain is going to start rambling on about how you should be doing something and it will go on with the usual chatter and evoke the usual feelings. This is YOUR walk so a way to diffuse the chatter and feelings are to let them come to mind, examine them a bit like you are as you walk, be inquisitive and then give the feelings a name or acknowledge the thoughts without judgement or answering them. Once you have named and acknowledged, put the feeling and the thought away. I have a stupid looking orange pouch I imagine these examined thoughts and feelings being put in.

It takes a bit of practice but can really help diffuse the chatter and the unwelcome feelings, especially during your time to wind down and get some energy back.

Another overriding thing that you would know is that we do still have ups and downs It's natural and it's part of our recovery. Are you able to accept and acknowledge to yourself without judgement that you've hit a bit of a pothole at the moment but it will get better?

I'd love to know if you find the exercise I use helps you too

Take care, remember we're all here and ready to listen no matter what!

Paul x

When determination & motivation become a problem by interfering with self care

Elizabeth CP — Thu, 11 Feb 2016 07:13:41 GMT

Thank you Paul for your post. Walking is usually helpful but at the moment isn't working. Your idea of the orange pouch is a good idea but I need to get the emotional energy to practise it which I don't have at the moment. I feel like a failure as I can't motivate myself to do what I need to help myself. Sorry for complaining

When determination & motivation become a problem by interfering with self care

Paul — Thu, 11 Feb 2016 08:31:49 GMT

Hi Elizabeth,

Please don't apologise for complaining, that's what these forums are for, as you know!

When I lose motivation to do things I fall back on something that I like doing, or something that feels the least horrible doing. Is there something that feels least burdensome that you could do for just a really short while?

How have you handled feeling like this in the past?

Paul

When determination & motivation become a problem by interfering with self care

Doolhof — Thu, 11 Feb 2016 09:12:21 GMT

Hi Elizabeth,

I can so relate to your post! I grew up in a household where we all had a very strong work ethic drummed into us. Not a bad thing as long as it is also balanced out with time for relaxing and personal pleasures.

In the past I have worked myself up to such a state thinking that I had to get everything completed NOW and not tomorrow or next week.

Over time I have realised that my life does not have to be that regimental or restricted to work only and no fun.

Some days I write a list of the jobs/things I feel I need to achieve and tick them off as I go. I also tell myself I do not have to complete them all today. I also write down a few nice things that I enjoy doing.

Trying to balance my day out around these ideas work well for me. Lately I have been taking time out for a walk now and then. As Paul mentioned a walk can be beneficial in so many ways.

The other night I decided to just sit outside and look at the sky for a while before I thought of doing anything else. That was very calming until he mosquitoes decided to feast on me! Ha. Ha.

It isn't always easy, but I hope you are able to find a balance.

Cheers for now from Dools

When determination & motivation become a problem by interfering with self care

Elizabeth CP — Thu, 11 Feb 2016 10:48:25 GMT

Thank you Paul and Dools for your encouraging advice. I am glad I'm not the only one with this problem. I struggle to get the balance right particularly when I am working on something which is not going well. If I push myself when too tired I risk making mistakes and taking longer which spirals into more negative feelings. I I try to rest I feel guilty and can't relax knowing I haven't finished particularly if it is a messy project. I was writing things down & ticking them off and that definitely helped. I am still requiring a lot of motivation & willpower & even nagging from my husband (with my permission) to do things which should be enjoyable /relaxing such as walking & swimming. I was set some homework by my psych which was helping but I stopped doing it once I became overtired. I don't know why it is so hard to do self care.

When determination & motivation become a problem by interfering with self care

Doolhof — Fri, 12 Feb 2016 03:50:07 GMT

Hi Elizabeth,

One great thing about this forum is that we soon realise we are not the only one experiencing something like lack of motivation or anything else.

Some days I am really tired and can't seem to be able to tackle anything at all. I tell myself that it is okay to be like that, to just relax and not give myself a hard time over it. Easier said than done I know, but it works for me.

The next day I might try a little harder, and if I still don't manage to achieve everything I set out to do, then I give myself thanks for what I have managed to do.

Have a look at The BB Café and Walking Shoes Walking Group threads her on this site. They have both encouraged me.

Would you like to share more about the kind of things you are really struggling to achieve? I find if I break jobs and tasks down, then they are easier to achieve.

Like instead of cleaning the whole house at once, I might decide to sweep and mop one day and then find something enjoyable and rewarding to do. The next day I can decide to tackle something else.

Having your husband encourage you can be very helpful too.

All the best with finding a balance and a way to accept the things you can achieve now and stuff you can comfortably leave for later.

I am now going to sweep and wash our floors and dust tomorrow!

Cheers from Dools

When determination & motivation become a problem by interfering with self care

Mares73 — Fri, 12 Feb 2016 03:56:52 GMT

Dear Elizabeth like Doolhof I grew up with a strong work ethic. As an adult I've had very high self expectations & know how it feels to think your a failure for struggling to juggle multiple tasks & to try & get any rest. I started to realise I was filling my mind & life to capacity with various pressures & I think I did this because I feared if I stopped I wouldn't be able to cope with all the emotions bubbling under the surface. I also relate to being so overtired & running on adrenalin that I couldn't slow myself down to sleep no matter how tired. Perhaps a helpful task would be to list everything on your mind then go through the list slowly numbering each task by priority. Then you can start to identify things that come second to your self care. You will find there will be priorities but they'll also be things that can wait a day or two. Then your goal would be on less pressured days to come home & do relaxing things ie bath, shower, reading & so on. These things aren't time wasters-in fact they will help you recover your energy & sense of calm. Knowing when you've reached your capacity shows great insight. Next step is what action to take when you've reached this point. Self are would be number one. You will perform surprisingly better & more productive if you get some breaks or respite. Perhaps also write a list of what you enjoy & choose something to do from this list when frazelled. I know it may feel uncomfortable to put your needs a priority but in doing so you also restore your strength & will most probably find you have more energy. Please take care & let us know how your going.

Mares X

When determination & motivation become a problem by interfering with self care

Elizabeth CP — Fri, 12 Feb 2016 08:49:45 GMT

Thank you Dools & Mares for your reply. My dad in particular was a very hard worker and I really admired everything he made. My parents encouraged me to achieve my goals but never pressured me. I used being productive & helpful to deal with negative feelings of self worth caused by bullying @ school. Guilt feelings following a bushfire as a 10 yr old due to not doing anything to help added to this. For years I cared for my kids & then my disabled mother and now I'm carer for my husband who has been unwell frequently over the last 2 years. I therefore have the responsibility of doing all the tasks around the house he previously helped with such as gardening & home renovation. I wrote another post re difficulty enjoying anything which explains this problem. This means getting a break is a challenge. I have been on the Walking shoes thread.

Sorry I feel guilty for whinging when most people have much worse situations. Knowing what to do doesn't make it easy to do it

When determination & motivation become a problem by interfering with self care

pipsy — Fri, 12 Feb 2016 10:44:55 GMT

Dear Elizabeth. Don't know if this will help, a friend mentioned it to me some weeks ago and it really put things into perspective for me. Women are supposed to be able to multi-task. Be it making beds, tidying up generally, washing dishes, laundry etc. The way it was explained to me was: imagine your brain is made up of several boxes. Each box is for a different purpose, dishes in one, bed making in another. When we find it hard to 'open' the box we want to work with, it throws us because that's not supposed to happen. So we try and open another box, even though that's not the box we wanted to open. Because we're trying to do something we didn't start off doing, it's harder to accomplish. When this happens, the best thing is to completely shut all the boxes and walk away till we are in the right place emotionally to open the box we first tried to open. Sometimes, it can take several attempts to open and complete the task we wanted to do. When this happens, we feel we've failed ourselves because, as I said, we're supposed to be able to multi-task. I don't know about you, but there's only so much I can do at once. I've learned to not take on board when I can't do what I originally tried to do, that only leads me to more self recrimination and that's counter-productive. I hope you are able to understand the point I'm trying to make. When you have to walk away, instead of feeling guilty or that you've failed (because you haven't), look on it as recharging the batteries. We all need recharging, none of us can go without this.

Hope I've helped you see it from a new perspective. Recharging is positive. It's good.

When determination & motivation become a problem by interfering with self care

Bluey_moon — Fri, 12 Feb 2016 11:03:13 GMT

Elizabeth,

I'm sorry I don't have much in the way of advice!

But I want you to know, you are important and wonderful!

Take the time if you can to rest! Recharge! The things to do will wait!

Love and hugs,

skye

When determination & motivation become a problem by interfering with self care

white knight — Fri, 12 Feb 2016 11:05:56 GMT

Hi Elizabeth,

After reading and replying to your other thread I'm starting to get a grip on your situation.

Yes, like the others I was similar to you say, 20-30 years ago. Medication and in my case aging along with changing circumstances led to a more relaxed and planned daily routine.

But in my case my therapist in the late 1980's could sometimes say one sentence that hit the nail on the head and the answer to my problems was so clear. One day I attended his office and chatted and he recognised my habit of running ragged doing chores and tasks. He said "Tony, when are you going to stop saving the world".

It's just a thought I have for you. I think this forum will be very good for you as you slowly find answers to your queries.

The above replies are good examples. These contributors throw ideas at you and one might just be the one comment that makes so much sense. Hope it works for you.

Tony WK

When determination & motivation become a problem by interfering with self care

Elizabeth CP — Fri, 12 Feb 2016 22:02:19 GMT

Thank you for your replies. Pipsy, Your analogy of the boxes is correct. When stressed I can be illogical trying to do multiple things as one thing doesn't work after another in the hope of succeeding in something. Tony I can't remember how many times I've been told to learn to say 'no' to allow time to recover and cope with the essential things.

One issue for me is grief for the loss of the life I thought I would have by now. I used to enjoy going out with my kids including camping and exploring different places and enabling them to have different experiences. I enjoyed seeing them enjoy themselves, learning new things and reaching their own goals. One delivered pamphlets for years to pay for the flying lessons he wanted. I enjoyed helping people so I did volunteer work " school helping students struggling with maths and also did private tutoring. As a teenager I planned to look after my parents when required as mum was becoming disabled and dad had a chronic illness. I enjoyed activities were I felt I was helping others. Maybe this was to compensate for negative feelings of self worth but it gave me lots of satisfaction.

After mum died and my kids were older I retrained as a health professional were I could use the empathy I gained as a carer. It is very satisfying to know you are helping others but now I don't have that because I can't cope with work & caring for my husband.

I thought by this time of life we would be able to still enjoy camping travelling hiking etc but now it is so much harder because my husband can't see so he can't help much. In the past I would do work in the house and garden and feel satisfied when projects were completed but now I can't get help from my husband particularly with the difficult tasks plus I am older & therefore not as fit which annoys me. It sometimes feels like there is nothing to look forward to.

Attempts to do things I used to enjoy have failed. I was given a free ticket to a movie last year but couldn't wait for it to finish as I was tired and the movie (which most people loved) reminded me of how bad people have been treated in the past & made me really upset. A holiday was a disaster as I spent most of the time looking after my husband who became very ill.

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When determination & motivation become a problem by interfering with self care

Doolhof — Sun, 14 Feb 2016 04:28:16 GMT

Hi Elizabeth,

I hope it is helping you to better understand how you are feeling through reading other posts here, and by sharing more of your life and experiences.

As Tony mentioned, we are all here to help each other and we will never know what our comments might mean to someone else. By sharing, you may make someone else more aware of their own needs and how they can help themselves or even someone else.

Never think that any one else's problems are worse than your own. We can never walk in someone else's footsteps, no one will ever know how I am truly feeling about something, and the same with you.

Each one of us experiences things our own way.

When I require a blood test, I need to lie down so I don't faint and fall to the floor. Other people are willing to give blood donations! I don't cope with having blood taken. Who is to say that anyone would cope better or worse than you are coping right now if they were in your shoes?

Our life experiences shape and mould us. You have experienced some terrible events and have had a lot of caring to do! As a fellow person who was bullied at school, I know it is not always easy to feel secure and self confident after experiences like that.

Bushfires can be traumatic events also. I am now involved in the Country Fire Service. Even with trucks and all the equipment, fire fighters are not able to put out fires. As a 10 year old, you did as much as any 10 year old could have done. Hindsight, maturity, thoughts of What If can make you feel inadequate.

I have discovered I need to let go of regrets and what ifs. It isn't easy, but it is worth the fight!

Cheers from Dools

When determination & motivation become a problem by interfering with self care

Elizabeth CP — Thu, 18 Feb 2016 21:15:16 GMT

Thanks Dools,

Just to clarify I have never felt I could have done anything to fight the fire. If mum could do it with her huge effort my effort as a 10 year old what not have changed anything. My regrets were more about not thinking to collect photos & some of the small precious things family members had made & couldn't be replaced. It is easy to say I need to stop the regrets but not so easy to change a lifetime of trying to make up for it by trying to be helpful

When determination & motivation become a problem by interfering with self care

Paul — Fri, 19 Feb 2016 00:33:50 GMT

Hi Elizabeth,

To anyone who says "you need to stop..." I say "How? Can you give me a practical solution to stop these things, isn't it like being told to stop smiling sometimes?" The more we think about the act of not smiling the more the impulse is to smile. Unconscious minds are like kids!

I wonder how you make peace with the regret. Instead of pushing it away, letting it in and breaking it down to see where the expectations that you would have done the things you were "supposed to do" come from.

I know I have over simplified the mechanics of a situation however sometimes I find it helps to dive in and trace back (as I call it) to try and uncover the layers so I can understand then make peace with the bottom layer.

Paul

When determination & motivation become a problem by interfering with self care

Elizabeth CP — Fri, 19 Feb 2016 00:41:13 GMT

Hi Paul, Thank you for you post. I agree. I have put up my own thread re looking a

@ +ves arising after a traumatic situation in the hope by writing something each day will help to change my focus over time. It won't stop the negatives but maybe leave less time for the negative thoughts to take over.

When determination & motivation become a problem by interfering with self care

Paul — Fri, 19 Feb 2016 00:52:40 GMT

Hi Elizabeth,

Your thread about positives arising from the negatives we feel is awesome, as you know I've used it and I'll be using it more too.

The difficulties you have faced have got you to this point where you look at the positives and write to them in a thankful way have helped me and likely others because we can use that method too! This in itself is another positive and I'm really grateful for that positive being shared with me.

Thank you.

Paul

When determination & motivation become a problem by interfering with self care

blondguy — Fri, 19 Feb 2016 01:32:42 GMT

Dear Elizabeth

I am fortunate not to have gone through the Trauma you have experienced..

I understand that Mrs Dools is being supportive and very caring. Just a humble note from me Elizabeth if I may..

Regrets...I wouldnt fight them at all....Doing so only burns up precious mental energy....Same as people that 'fight' anxiety....doesnt work.

Acceptance of the regrets...they are 'thoughts' sure awful ones but still only thoughts..

Be kind to yourself Elizabeth (Hug) if thats okay

Thinking of you

Paul

When determination & motivation become a problem by interfering with self care

Elizabeth CP — Fri, 19 Feb 2016 03:58:35 GMT

Thanks Paul,

I don't know what is wrong with me I need to get to a point where I am doing things because I want to rather than forcing myself because I should. I am tired because I haven't been sleeping well & then had to get up early to get my husband organised & drop him off. Went to a carers expo but felt worse afterwards because the help available doesn't fit our needs. I know I should'' relax this afternoon but finding it hard I can't do nothing. I am too tired to do anything physical & the jobs sitting there like sorting out papers in the study I can't get motivated. If I could have gone to my friends it would have taken my mind off things but that was postponed.

Sorry I feel guilty for complaining. I wish I knew how to relax when I feel like this