topic My constant battle with depression. in Depression

My constant battle with depression.

thestruggle — Sun, 10 Apr 2016 08:34:56 GMT

Hi. This is my first post, I normally call support services or seek advice from my GP but today someone thought it may benefit me to join the forums. I have suffered with depression since the start of highschool. I'm 24 now and I feel well over half of my days are a real struggle. I find it hard to get excited about anything, nothing really gives me much pleasure and sometimes when it is really bad; I feel trapped and so alone. Stress is a real trigger for me. I feel incapable most of the time to help or look after myself. I don't have many friends and I feel that I am a constant burden on my family. I haven't felt "right" for a long time and I struggle to eat most days. I'm not sure how detailed I should get here, I don't see much point in typing out all of my personal issues or problems just yet. I just thought I should try to make contact with people who are also struggling with day to day life and maybe for once not feel so alone. Thanks for reading.

My constant battle with depression.

blondguy — Sun, 10 Apr 2016 09:06:32 GMT

Hi thestruggle and a Warm Welcome to the BB Forums

My name Paul and I understand where you are coming from. I have had anxiety for many years and I also have very few friends too. You are not a burden on your family at all. I also have depression and it can be an awful place to be in. You have had depression for a long time and it is sad especially at such a young age.

I havent felt 'right' for long time either...Depression can be like having a blanket over your head and you dont know which way to turn. Your post is well worded and spoken from the heart. Struggling to eat is a classic sign of depression. If I may ask you....do you get along with your Gp well? Sometimes a therapist/Councillor can be a great help to provide you with a foundation on which to heal.

I have found the forums a great benefit with my depression even though I have only been a member since January

There are many wonderful people on the forums that have depression/anxiety.We are here for you

I do hope you have some peace soon

Paul

My constant battle with depression.

thestruggle — Sun, 10 Apr 2016 09:29:21 GMT

Hi Paul. Thanks for your kind reply. That is a good simile about depression. It sure does feel that way. It also feels like a neverending cycle. Some days are better than others, but ultimately the horrible feelings seem to come back and start all over again. I do like my GP, he has been a real support and I feel like he truly cares about me and isn't just there to prescribe medications. He has really been the only health professional who I have stuck by my whole time dealing with depression and also some anxiety. However, unfortunately I do sometimes just feel like there is only so much he can do to help me. I have seen psychologists/psychiatrists and counselors in the past. I have even spent time in a private hospital trying to sort out my issues. I guess I struggle with my motivation to keep my life in check. I let most things slide because it all just seems like too much to deal with. I now work full-time so it can be a good distraction but also is very draining of my energy. As much as I hate going to work most of the time, when I have days off I struggle even more because all I have left to focus my attention on is how I'm feeling at that time. People say I'm too hard on myself or that I should be kind to myself. I don't know how to do that. I'm good at beating myself up. Thank you for your kind words and understanding again.

My constant battle with depression.

Anahata — Sun, 10 Apr 2016 10:56:06 GMT

Hi struggle, it is a struggle, isn't it? You said stress is a trigger for you, it is for me too, big time. I just can't seem to cope with stress. Another trigger for me is tiredness. It's good you are aware of your triggers. Keeping a journal has helped me identify what things set me off.

It's good you have a helpful GP. Finding a specialist is a bit hit and miss, you are likely to have some bad experiences along the way but it's good when you finally do find one because they do specialise in the problem. I have had some lousy psychiatrists but the one I have now is very good and the medication he has given me has been most helpful (most of the time!)

I know what you mean about letting things slide. My house is a disaster. When I'm feeling good I do a bit but next thing I know I feel rotten again and it's so hard to maintain and keep on top of what I achieved before.

That is when you do have to learn to be kind to yourself. Beating yourself up will only make you feel more horrible. I said in another post that having depression is much like having an injury from which you have to heal. It's not a moral failing or reason to berate yourself. Try listening to your inner dialogue. A good rule of thumb is if you wouldn't dream of saying it to someone else because it's too nasty, you shouldn't be saying it to yourself either.

My constant battle with depression.

blondguy — Sun, 10 Apr 2016 12:53:33 GMT

Thankyou for posting back thestruggle

I just noticed you mentioned " that I should be kind to myself and I dont know how do that"

I am still learning it....and it does take practice and time....I understand its a pain....Even with my depression now if anyone says 'Paul..you have to love yourself to heal'.......I cant do that...because I dont 'love' the way I think...I just dont know how to do that...

I have just learned how to be 'kind to myself' and in a nutshell....If I am unmotivated or feeling like I have to achieve the silly perfectionist goals I used to set myself.....I just slow down now and achieve the same goals and use only 60% of the effort I used to and still achieve the same result. Whether I have taught myself to be lazy...simple....or more 'relaxed' it doesnt really matter....I had to change from the perfectionist I was to having less high expectations.....

Being Kind To Yourself (not loving yourself)....

* Fighting the depression/anxiety only feeds the fire...its counter productive..

* Calm and True Acceptance of Depression is one of the keys that can unlock the door to recovery...

* Treat yourself.....a beautiful Chinese meal...or KFC....if it feels good..do it...

* Be indulgent....sleep in on weekends....who cares?

I apologise if this is a silly post..I hope a little of it has been of some help to you...

Kind Thoughts for you, and I hope your Monday is good to you..

Paul

My constant battle with depression.

thestruggle — Mon, 11 Apr 2016 00:47:34 GMT

Thanks for your replies Anahata and Paul. Some really good advice. I hope you both are doing well. I woke up this morning, the depressive feelings were quite overwhelming. I'm not looking forward to work (who ever does?) and was worried about how I would cope today. I forced myself to get up and have a shower, its only 8:30am now. It's too hard to eat anything, just a cup of coffee and a cigarette is all I can normally manage so I don't know why I expect anything different. I feel better right now than I had been feeling all weekend but I decided to make another appointment with my GP. I really need to just tell him everything, I feel like I tend to forget everything I have to say once I'm in his office. I have a list as per usual and I'm hoping he can help me. I really believe I need to try to improve my diet, it's just hard when you don't cook and the motivation is next to zero most days to even think about eating. Maybe one of those meal replacement shakes could help? I tend to feel better about things if I feel I have achieved something. It may seem small to others, but just getting myself up and ready for the day gives me a sense of achievement. I'm waiting for my Dad to come and help me with a few things around the house before I have to go to work. I find listening to my favourite music when I'm in the right mood really lifts my spirits. Anahata, I know what you mean when you talk about the house. I am the same, I will let things pile up for a while, it makes me feel terrible because I feel so incapable but once in a while I get a big enough spurt of energy to fix it all up again. I hope you both have a good day and hopefully speak to you again soon.

My constant battle with depression.

blondguy — Tue, 12 Apr 2016 00:03:40 GMT

Hi thestruggle

Thanks for posting back. Im sorry to read that your depression seems to be really hanging around. Just a note on the eating...I use Nestle Hospital Strength Sustagen if my appetite disappears...I think they have Chocolate, Vanilla and recently with/without fibre too.

You are lucky to have a great dad to help you out. Good news that you have made another appointment with your GP too 🙂

Good to hear from you

Kind Thoughts

Paul

My constant battle with depression.

thestruggle — Tue, 12 Apr 2016 11:03:05 GMT

Hi Paul. Just a quick note to say the GP visit went well. I've had a tough few days but feeling a bit better now. GP suggested Sustagen too! Ha! I think I was feeling really lost with it all, as you mentioned earlier the whole blanket over the head. I guess for anyone reading you should always make that next appointment. It may feel too hard or even somewhat hopeless at the time but if you have a good group of health professionals to assist then you should always make the most of that. I'm trying to think more positive about it all, I have the next few days off to recover from work but I plan to do some nice things to get me out of the house and keep me active. I think I will be OK, I hope you are too. Thanks for your support.

My constant battle with depression.

blondguy — Wed, 13 Apr 2016 00:07:55 GMT

Hi The!

You have done very well...that GP going well is a bonus too. I always feel a bit 'stronger' or better after seeing mine. Good old Sustagen and your doc coming up with it HA!....Made me smile!

You have made my day! Enjoy your time off..you deserve to..Thankyou for your kind wishes too!

Your thread will be here if you need us and thankyou for posting back as you have...Many people that dont post would have benefited too by reading this

Cheers

Paul

My constant battle with depression.

thestruggle — Sat, 16 Apr 2016 08:08:09 GMT

Hi Paul and others reading. I hope you are good. I just finished work and I am feeling kind of low. I know I should just relax and chill, do something that I enjoy but I just have this uneasy feeling. I don't really feel like talking or seeing anyone but yet I feel so lonely. I hope it goes soon. I just need to keep telling myself I may be physically alone right now but I am not alone when it comes to having such bad feelings. It would be great to hear from you or others with ideas on how to cope with isolation and/or depression. Thank you.

My constant battle with depression.

Anahata — Sat, 16 Apr 2016 10:29:17 GMT

Hi thestruggle, I know what it's like to have that anxious, uneasy feeling, like an impending sense of doom. I also know what it's like to feel lonely and isolated. The simple answer would seem to reach out to someone, pick up the phone, but I know it's not that easy. I don't like to feel I'm burdening someone, and I know I'm not good company, so I tend to stay to myself. I have, however, developed a few coping strategies over the years. The things I do may not suit everyone, but by mentioning them it may stimulate some ideas of your own that are more to your taste.

I don't know if you have animals, but a furry hug is always good. I have my cat on my lap purring as I write this, it's so soothing. And the way a dog smiles and wags its tail when you get home always makes you feel like at least someone is pleased to see you.

If you don't like animals some people like taking care of plants. I also have my journal. I write in it a lot. It is handy in a practical sense as it helps me keep track of my moods, but I just like to ramble on in it about anything and everything. It's great for getting out aggression if need be. Or you write a list of all the things you are anxious about and when it's in black and white you can see how far-fetched some of them are.

Doing a relaxation CD is good, like a guided meditation where someone with a soothing voice takes you mentally to a nice beach or something. I think there are some on YouTube. I think there are some Louise Hay ones on there, I always feel positive after listening to her, but she may not be to everyone's taste.

Uplifting music is great for shifting your mood. Or start by playing something angry and depressing to match your mood, and then when you have got it out of your system switch to something more upbeat.

Sometimes if I need human input I'll just send someone a text. It's not as much effort as a phone call, and I find a little human company goes a long way.

Taking a walk and getting some fresh air is good, especially with a dog. Or sometimes I make something yummy and healthy to eat. Yoga or stretching exercises help a lot too. I learnt a qigong routine off YouTube which I like to do when I feel a bit of a slump coming on.

I know it's a bit woo-woo, but I've found EFT is sometimes good. Emotional Freedom Technique. You tap on acupressure points on your face and body.

I've got a list of things written on my fridge to remind me what I can do. Hope this helps. Run out of characters!

My constant battle with depression.

blondguy — Sat, 16 Apr 2016 23:18:14 GMT

Hi the

Thanks for your kind wishes they are always appreciated. I spend a lot of my time isolated or alone..I have become that used to it that I dont really mind it. The loneliness comes and goes but I think after so many years with depression and healing myself I just accept that the loneliness is there, I just dont internalise about it that much anymore. My female GP asked me once if I was generally happy to be on my own and I said I didnt really mind and she said as long as I am happy in my own space is what matters.

Anahata has some great idea including this one "Sometimes if I need human input I'll just send someone a text. It's not as much effort as a phone call, and I find a little human company goes a long way."

You are also right that there are heaps of people that have the same feelings....

Nice to talk to you

Paul

My constant battle with depression.

Billyhad — Sun, 17 Apr 2016 10:23:23 GMT

HI Thestruggle,

First of all i would like to say well done for taking the initial steps of posting and sharing your experience with depression with us. It shows that you are truly willing to beat and to do all it takes to conquer depression, which i have no doubt you will. I suffered from severe anxiety and depression for as long as i can remember and i didn't start to deal with it until i was 28. i am now 32. So with you being so young, i am confident you will beat this and go on and live a happy and fulfilled life.

Depression can be described in many ways but the way i like to describe is that depression is a symptom of either a loss you have encountered whether it would be from death, relationship, friendship etc... or a huge amount of anger and frustration built up inside of you. i think of depression as a feeling, not a disease. An ugly feeling yes, but not a disease. We don't have depression, we suffer from depression.

I have read through most of your posts and one thing you mention is that you try to do things which make you happy and try to tell yourself positive things to try and change your thought process. These are all well and good but the reality is that your brain needs to hear all these positives from someone else, such as a therapist, psychologist or even a friend. The more you hear it from someone else the more chance your brain will accept it. That is why you felt better when you left the doctor. He/she would have given you positives to take back. Unfortunately people like us who suffer from depression, can't hang on to the positives too long because they are foreign to our brain so our brains default position is to let out all the negatives about ourselves such as we are not acceptable, not good enough, not good looking enough etc.. which are all false. They call this a relapse. Our positive neurons don't fire anywhere near as much as the negative ones do. The fact that you walked out of the GPs room and felt good meant that the positive neurons fired and connected while you were in there but then the negatives took over. I am 100% sure that you are more than acceptable to people and that you have a beautiful heart

Psychotherapy has worked wonders for me after i struggled initially with psychology and counseling. Make sure you keep trying different types of specialists until you find the right one that suits you. Not every specialist is the same.

i wanted to write a lot more but there aren't enough characters.

Regards

Billy

My constant battle with depression.

blondguy — Sun, 17 Apr 2016 11:53:30 GMT

Hey thestruggle

I am sorry to hijack your post and please post back when you wish 🙂

Billyhad....a warm welcome to the BB forums and thankyou for your kind and wise input too! If I may quote something that rang so true with my depression "The more you hear it from someone else the more chance your brain will accept it"

Thankyou Billy....My Kind thoughts for your well articulated and kind first post.The BB Cafe is open for you and thestruggle . You are both more than welcome 🙂

Paul

My constant battle with depression.

thestruggle — Sun, 17 Apr 2016 13:22:24 GMT

Wow! So many great responses and suggestions. Thank you all so much and welcome Billy. Anahata - funny you should mention meditation. I tried one last night and it really helped me when I was feeling upset/anxious and it was great in assisting me to release some painful emotions. Unfortunately where I rent, I cannot have pets. My wonderful cat of 15 years passed away last year. I would love to have another one day, he was a great support... always there. Billy - you are absolutely correct about the reason my spirited were lifted that day with the GP. But as you said, it is very quick for a brain so accustomed to negative thought patterns to fall back in the trap. Your post has helped me to rethink psychology or even psychotherapy in the future. Paul - you can post whenever you like here. I really am enjoying talking with you all and it is great therapy for me to have an outlet to share my thoughts and feelings. I wish you all the best.

My constant battle with depression.

Billyhad — Sun, 17 Apr 2016 20:58:33 GMT

Hi Paul, thankyou for the kind words and gesture. I hope i can help in any way i can. 5 years ago i started a journey and i have learnt so much. I am more than willing to offer all that i know if it means it makes people feel better.

Hi thestruggle. Thankyou also for the kind words and acceptance. Like i said in my previous post, i have no doubt you will overcome this. Although the feeling of depression tells you otherwise, you have to understand it is just that, a feeling. It is not the truth. The truth is you are giving, reliable, warm hearted, honest and im pretty sure i can go on and on.........

I wanted to ask you, do you find it hard to say no to people? Do you feel shamed most of the time? By shame i mean easily embarassed, shy or easily made to feel unacceptable or inadequate?

If so, are there certain people that make you feel this way?

My constant battle with depression.

blondguy — Mon, 18 Apr 2016 20:13:23 GMT

Morning thestruggle

Thanks again for posting back. Its really good to read that you had a sense of relief after seeing your Gp..Any relief is a bonus where the feelings of depression are concerned. My anxiety/depression started in 1983 when I was 23 and the help available was ok but nowhere as great as nowadays.

Even with a therapist my Gp is always a great support every couple of months. I am sorry to hear about your cat passing after 15 years. Even though it was last year its still recent. Billy made an interesting point about the inability to say no and being made easily embarrassed. I used to be like that a lot when my depression was spiking. I sometimes think that our self esteem takes a real hit when we have these feelings of depression.

I hope you are going reasonably okay 🙂

Billy, thankyou for your heartfelt theoughts

Kind Thoughts

Paul

My constant battle with depression.

Billyhad — Mon, 18 Apr 2016 23:54:09 GMT

Good morning all......

The reason why i ask about feeling embarrassed and being easily made to feel unacceptable is because these things are what drive depression. Fear and shame are the most powerful and most destructive emotions. So with fear being the anxiety, depression is commonly brought on by the fear of being shamed. So our anxieties stem from the fear of being shamed hence why we feel are made to feel unacceptable very easily. These fears and shames were drummed into us before we were even aware. We were young children. Our parents or care givers were constantly re-inforcing the fears such as don't go onto the road, you'll get hit by a car or don't go the beach, you will drown. Such ideas lookung back are not rational thoughts but we carried those thoughts into our adulthood. When these ideas didn't marry up with our adulthood, we then started to suffer anxiety. The thoughts such as "i'm not normal" , " i'm unacceptable" , " i'm inadequate strated to

My constant battle with depression.

Billyhad — Tue, 19 Apr 2016 00:49:19 GMT

Hi all. please excuse me as i accidently pressed the "post" button. I didn't have time to proof read.

As i was saying, these thoughts become so believable that any other thought becomes obsolete.

As for the shame, with my experience, i was constantly shamed by a sibling of mine, who looking back, is a narcissists.

Narcissists tend look for an accommodator. People like us are more than likely accommodators. we accommodate to the narcissists needs whether it be emotional needs or physical needs, which is why we struggle to say no. They know this and play it for what it is. We spend most of our lives accommodating to these people while they emotionally abuse us. In my case, i was constantly emotionally abused and put down. i believed what they told me. Once i was made aware of these people i then, through therapy and strength of my own, learnt to say no.

i don't want to ramble on like i know everything, i just wanted to make you aware of these kinds of people out there and that not everyone is kind, giving, selfless etc like us. Once you know something, you can never unknow it.

i hope i have helped, even in the minute of ways.

Good health to all

Billy

My constant battle with depression.

blondguy — Tue, 19 Apr 2016 10:38:27 GMT

Hey Billy

I have just copied and pasted some great tips you have mentioned on to my own 'Coping' folder. I just dont want to hijack thestruggles's thread. I hope (if you wish of course) you can start a new
topic/thread. You are a well articulated and smart person Billy that
does have a lot to advice to share. There are many people that benefit from what you have to offer

I have stolen (copied lol) this off your last post....

"Narcissists tend look for an accommodator. People like us are more than
likely accommodators. we accommodate to the narcissists needs whether it
be emotional needs or physical needs, which is why we struggle to say
no. They know this and play it for what it is. We spend most of our
lives accommodating to these people while they emotionally abuse us. In
my case, i was constantly emotionally abused and put down. i believed
what they told me. Once i was made aware of these people i then, through
therapy and strength of my own, learnt to say no. "

Nice1 Billy..Very well said

My Kind Thoughts

Paul