topic Every things going wrong in Depression

Every things going wrong

Tiny_tears — Sun, 13 Dec 2015 22:53:33 GMT

I'm in my 30's and 3 years ago I spit from a long time relationship, he kept the kids due to me having to move into my car for a bit. I took it to court to get visits and I do, I see them every second weekend, but for the past 3 years I just haven't been able to make anything work. I always end up worse of at the end of the year then when it started.

Last year ended with me living in a back packers and not really having much going for me.

During the year I got a good paying job and a apartment and everything seemed to be going ok for a few months, but the apartment block was to noisy and was affecting my work so I left and moved in with a friend. Well not even a month later I lose my job, I lose my licence, and my house mate kicked me out all in a space of 3 months. Now I back living in my car with out a licence and I can't even see my kids. I'm extremely depressed and just feel sick all the time, I'm nasty and hurtful to people and I'm just not a nice person to be around.

I didn't have a good childhood my parents bought me to wa as a kid and dumped me on the side of the road the day we go here and I haven't seen them since,

I just feel like I'm a failure in life I can't do anything right

i cant bare not seeing the kids they are only 6 n 8. And I feel like I've let them down so much.

I suck at living life and I don't know what to do.

Every things going wrong

Neil_1 — Mon, 14 Dec 2015 01:23:17 GMT

Hi there tiny tears

Welcome to Beyond Blue and thank you for coming here and sharing your post. Oh boy, it does sound as though you’ve had your fair share of knocks and that for the time being, they are still continuing.

I did pick up a big positive though – a couple actually – that you were able to secure a good paying job during this year and then also having somewhere to live. My spin on this is, if you were able to win a job earlier this year, would it not be possible for you to get another one and hopefully in the near future? I guess that’s my immediate thought – as getting a job can sure make a world of difference – as you know doubt found this year.

Do you have any family who might be close by to offer some support to you?

Another thought, though whether this is an option, I guess would depend on where you are at the moment – but I do know of many places that have homeless shelters available. I would think you would be definitely eligible if you are living in your car. I’m not 100% certain, but some of these organisations may even be able to provide a small amount of financial assistance?

I do hope I’ve managed to say something that might prove to be helpful – and I also would think that you’ll be receiving other messages of support as well.

Would love to hear back from you.

Kind regards

Neil

Every things going wrong

Tiny_tears — Mon, 14 Dec 2015 01:49:41 GMT

Neil,

thanks for taking the time to ready my post.

It has been difficult this year, and I'm definitely in the market for a job, I haven't given up looking for one, they are just not easy to come by, and my qualifications require a driver licence, when I get that back mid next year I will definitely be in a better position then I am at the moment.

i would love to say I have family close but I can't, unfortunately family is one big empty space in me.

I have done as much as I can in regard to finding a shelter or some accomodation, but they are very much full and it's not the best time of year for finding an empty bed.

But thank you I appreciate the feed back.

Regards

tiny tears

Every things going wrong

Guest_1055 — Tue, 15 Dec 2015 10:04:49 GMT

Hello Tiny tears

My tears are for you this evening, I'm so so sorry. I cannot understand why any parent would dump their precious child on the side of the road. That just breaks my heart, I long to go back to that very day, and just pick you up and hug you. I would tell you how valuable and special you were, and still are you know.

That is a very cute name, you chose there "Tiny tears" do you cry a lot then? Well I do... when I am so sad the tears just flow and flow, until I am completely exhausted.

I'm sorry about you missing your children, that must hurt your heart a lot.

I long to be able to help you more or something, but I don't know how. If you ring the Beyond Blue phone number, the people may be able to assist you somehow with accommodation or at least point you in the right direction in regards to that.

Hope you will be OK

With many, many hugs

Shelley anne xxx

Every things going wrong

White_Rose — Tue, 15 Dec 2015 22:00:59 GMT

Dear Tiny Tears

Hello and welcome. I have read a couple of your posts on other threads. It's great that you can contribute to other discussions. I hope you continue to do this as talking to someone else often helps to clarify your own problems.

It sounds as if you have had a rough trot living in your car, losing your job etc. Can you tell us what happened? It's good to have a picture of the person we are talking to because we share experiences and swap coping mechanisms. I live on my own after leaving my husband 15 years ago. It's not easy after sharing your life for 30 years to being on your own. I became extremely depressed and just could not understand why. It's so easy to think because we do not have the huge problems of others that we will be happy.

Well the Black Dog makes sure this is not always true. We are all so vulnerable

What sort of work are you looking for? I see you need a driving license to work so is it some sort of courier job? I would be lost not being able to drive. We get so used to the convenience of jumping into a car to go anywhere at any time.

I do encourage you to tell us more about yourself. One of the amazing things about this forum is the huge amount of knowledge and information that we collectively hold. It may well be that someone has a bright idea or information that would be helpful to your situation.

Can you phone your children occasionally? That may be a help to you. I do feel very sorry that you were abandoned when you were a child. I cannot imagine how terrifying that must have been.

Please write in again as we would love to continue the conversation.

Mary

Every things going wrong

Chicken_Wings — Wed, 16 Dec 2015 02:03:45 GMT

Hi Tiny Tears,

I first wanted to just say don't give up. Life can seem really bleak at times, but with strength and encouragement you can overcome things. We're here to provide the encouragement and hopefully that will give you the strength you need.

When we look at everything all together it can seem overwhelming, so what about breaking it down into smaller parts? You won't have a license until mid next year, so in the meantime are you looking for work that doesn't require driving, even if it is outside your desired field? Just as a stop-gap to get some money in your pocket and give you a sense of achievement.

One massive thing you clearly have going for you is that you love your kids and you want to be with them and be a good influence. This is huge because as you know, some people don't show that much care.

As White Rose said, tell us more about yourself and hopefully we will be able to give you more help.

Every things going wrong

Tiny_tears — Wed, 16 Dec 2015 03:15:07 GMT

Thanks everyone,

Shelley Anne, thank you for your kind words and thoughts, unfortunatly I do cry often.

since I've had children myself, I have found it harder to understand the actions of my parents..

And when I do think about it I feel selfish, a lot of people have had a tough childhood.

And some have had it harder then myself.

I do miss my kids a great deal.. I feel I have let them down by losing all I gained this year. I have called beyond blue that's how I found this forum, they put me in touch with the local Anglicare in a bit to get me to talk to some one and maybe help find accomodation.. I'm sorry to hear that you are hurting to, it's a tough place with big Ol world isn't it.

I do hope your days are better and the tears fade with every stunning sun rise. And sun set.. Thank you for taking the time to read and comment on my situation.

Every things going wrong

Tiny_tears — Wed, 16 Dec 2015 03:28:28 GMT

White rose, pg1/2

thank you for taking the time to read and comment on my thread,

I worked in traffic management, yes one of those annoying people that make you late picking the kids up from school. I loved it, for the first time in my life I actually felt I was achieving something good in my life I was proud of what I did for work. Their is a lot more to traffic then just a stop go bat. I enjoyed the work and it didn't take long befor companies started requesting me to be on site as they felt safer knowing I was their.. Even the ceo brother requested to work with me often.. As he found the other employees irritating.

Never in my life had I ever felt so conferdant and I actually felt I had accomplished something good in my life, i had dug myself outta homelessness and started to feel as though I just might be ok. I got a phone call on a Thursday morning asking to go into work as it was my day off, and see the boss.. Apon arrival I was greeted by the Ceo, his receptionist, and my supervisor, they had informed me that a client had made a complaint about me, as well as some work colleagues, apparently I was over heard talking down about one of the clients...and that my employment was being terminated.. I asked whom made the complaint and what was said, but they wouldn't tell me, I asked if I could have a sit down with the person making the complaint, they said no, it was confidential.. I got quite upset and left. I was literally shattered.. Everything I worked so hard for gone.. I went home and called a friend at another local traffic company and had a job lined up the very next Monday. But that did not help the emotional down ward spiral I was on.. I loved that job, the people and the clients.. And I new in my heart that the complaint was a lie because I know I never spoke I'll of anyone. Why would I..my life was just coming together and the people I worked with were amazing and made me feel like part of the team.. I was making really good money.. Why would I want to destroy that. But it wasn't losing the job that affected me the most, it was how I lost it.. These people I thought were my friends lied about me.. I've lost a lot in life due to lies and it hit me really hard, Sunday night the night befor my new job started I was sitting in my car at the river drowning my sorrows in a few beers screaming at the stars telling life to go to hell. Continued... 1/2

Every things going wrong

Tiny_tears — Wed, 16 Dec 2015 03:43:52 GMT

White rose.. Continued from previous,

was sitting at the river screaming at the stars drowning my sorrows, telling life to go to hell.. I was fighting with the kids dads I was hurt over the loss of my job.. And I just felt like my life was a mess again. As I went to leave the cops got me lost my license for 10 months and got a 1600 dollar fine. Bam there goes my job on Monday. So gave myself a good kick up the arse and tried pressing on and getting a job locally so I could walk to work I applied at every store bottle shop pub take ways food any thing but I still have nothing. Then about a week ago my house mate informed me that I will have to move due to his sister having marital problems and her needing the room.. I had a week to get out. So I left Sunday just gone. And here I am ...

I do call my kids when I can I bought them phones because their dad told me I couldn't call them on his phone, but not long after I gave them to the kids the phones "got lost" apparently, so I don't talk to them as often as I would like to. I hope you can read and understand this, thank you so much for taking the time to comment on my thread.

Every things going wrong

Tiny_tears — Wed, 16 Dec 2015 04:00:15 GMT

Hi chicken wings,

yes I have been looking for work.. But the place I live is pretty established and to find a job is difficult, I have applied every where I can and I'm waiting to hear back from a local bottle shop owner, you have made me realise I am looking at everything together, some thing I hadn't noticed.. Thank you.

I do love my kids so much.. I think having what happened to me as a kid has made me an over protective mother. To the point I get sick feeling of the kids climb to high on the play equipment..

I do feel though, by them not living with me has broken me in a way I find it hard to be happy.. I cannot even fathom having any more kids. I just want the ones I have.

I have written a reply to white rose explains my job and my situation.. It's in two parts so I hope you can work it out..

Thnk you for your kind words and taking the time to read my thread.. Wish you all the best, regards

Every things going wrong

Chicken_Wings — Wed, 16 Dec 2015 05:12:25 GMT

Hey Tiny Tears,

I read your replies. Life can be so frustrating, I really feel for you.

I totally understand you feeling like its not possible to be happy, especially away from your kids. Keep in mind, that every step you take towards getting where you want to be is a good step. You don't have to be sunshine and rainbows all the time, but you are allowed to feel happy (and proud) about making those steps.
Step one was reaching out to beyond blue. Step two was joining this forum. You're already on your way.

Add to that the fact that you are looking for work, you haven't given up, and you have some things you are allowed to be pleased about.

There is another thread on here where you write 3 things you can be thankful for each day. I write in there when I'm having a bad day, just so I can remind myself that there are things that are good in my life. Maybe doing the same will help you too? Even if its just that its still only 30 degrees in Perth and not 40 like it normally is this time of year!

I honestly believe that one of the best things you have going for you is your desire to be better. Make sure you hold on to that.

One other thing that could help is having a plan for when you're feeling low.
Sometimes feelings strike me when I least expect them and it can be scary and my first reaction is fight or flight, because thats natural.
You either run away, maybe by ignoring the problem, binge eating or having a drink. You feel better in the short term, but the problem hasn't gone away.
Or you fight, you might have an argument, or get mad at someone and it makes you feel bad on the inside or do something silly.

But if you have a plan to help yourself, then it can make it easier to deal with.
For example have someone you can talk to either on the phone or in person, this might be the beyond blue help line or a friend you trust.
Have some relaxation exercises you can do if you're feeling anxious or scared.
Have something you can do, like writing in a journal or just come on here. Or if you're creative, have a little sketch book and doodle in it.

I find that when I take some time to step back I am better able to manage my feelings. Personally, I find talking to someone the most helpful, but everyone is different.

I hope my advice is helpful TT, I have faith that you things will begin to look up for you again.

Every things going wrong

White_Rose — Thu, 17 Dec 2015 21:13:44 GMT

Dear TT

I'm sorry I have not written to you earlier. I have had a few problems of my own so can only write in here infrequently at the moment.

I can see how you became tangled up in your life as you explain more of your story. Such a difficult set of circumstances. People often dismiss their own difficulties by saying that others are worse off than them. Well this may be true but is not a reason why you should not receive help. If we waited our turn in life for help there would be a huge queue. When you need help, ask for it. Other people's problems are just that, other people's problems. You are your priority at the moment.

Have you approached organisations such as the Salvation Army or Anglicare for help with accommodation? Or any other local help agency? Are you entitled to CentreLink payments? Your immediate safety is important and living in your car is not a safe option.

It is unfortunate, but totally understandable, that you drank too much and lost your license. It sounds as though you become quite overwhelmed by situations such as these and need a way to help you cope. Can you talk to a local GP about this or perhaps your local mental health team.

You sound like a resilient person who will keep trying to get on with life. Keep writing in here for support if you can.

Mary