topic Im like an actor playing the part of my own life. Does anyone realy understand? in Depression

Im like an actor playing the part of my own life. Does anyone realy understand?

Beryl — Mon, 01 Jun 2015 14:27:08 GMT

Its a good day today, so im saying hello to everyone out there for the first time ever.

i am beryl, i have deep depression, anxiety, ptsd and an eating disorder. I have lots of other physical things wrong too. Ive been depressed for many years and i think it is my normal. Over the years it deepens and recedes in slow cycles. I just cant sort it out. Sometimes i think my life is not so bad, then other times it seems unbearable. My head is a big bowl of water and i balance it so well people dont see the tears as i never spill them with other people. There are no other people, there never has been. But now, after all this time there is all of you out there. Yes, im smiling at you. Maybe, just a tiny maybe, im not completely alone? Its sad to think there is someone else in this half life. Could we help each other? Is there light at the end of the tunnel? More importantly i dont think my tunnel has an end. Im so tired of plodding down it. So tired and for what? More of the same. Most of the time im numb, there is no enjoyment at all. I wonder if that realy exists. How does happy feel? What is it? These days i hardly leave the house. I dont actually want to do anything- thats anything. My mind is so fuzzy i havnt been able to read a book for so many years now. Im like an actor playing the part of my own life. Does anyone realy understand? Or am i in this foggy bubble alone, so alone, for ever? Is there anyone out there?

Im like an actor playing the part of my own life. Does anyone realy understand?

White_Rose — Mon, 01 Jun 2015 18:06:49 GMT

Dear Beryl

Hello and welcome to Beyond Blue. Yes there are people out there. We are all here ready to chat with you and offer our experiences of depression etc. I hope you will find some useful information here.

You make no mention of any professional mental health. Do you receive any help? If not then I suggest you start by having a chat with your GP. I see you have a some physical difficulties also, and I presume you have help from your GP for these. Have you ever discussed your depression?

Yes I understand how it feels to be alone and feeling there will never be a light at the end of the tunnel. There can be light I do assure you. I will not write a much at the moment as I am unsure where you are with having professional help.

Please reply and tell us more about yourself.

Mary

Im like an actor playing the part of my own life. Does anyone realy understand?

renmon — Tue, 02 Jun 2015 01:05:15 GMT

Hi Beryl,

You're not alone! I have felt everything you have described. And so have the others I know who also have mental health issues. It can seem like you're going about the world and everyone else seems okay, and it's easy to judge yourself or feel like you're not part of the world everyone else is in. When life is getting really tough and dark for you it's time to reach out to a medical professional and let them help you. The symptoms you experience won't stay all the time or maybe not at all once you have appropriate help and support in place. There can be many good days where you really feel the smile on your face and the joy from it inside of you. On those days it will seem remarkable that you weren't able to feel that before.

Thank you for having courage to talk about how you're really feeling. I know from experience how hard that can be. Remember how you feel is never permanent even though it may feel like it. Keep in touch. Hugs to you.

Im like an actor playing the part of my own life. Does anyone realy understand?

Beryl — Tue, 02 Jun 2015 22:05:45 GMT

Hello White Rose.thankyou for writing back to me. Over the years i have seen several psychiatrists and psycologists. The latest one for multiple years. In comparison i think this one is good but just it just doesnt help, we go over points ad nauseum but afterwards i still feel the same about everything so i never progress. Im beginning to think there has to be another way, as if there is some reason im like this thats been overlooked and some fundamental point has been overlooked.

over the years i have taken many different medications for varying lengths of time and they just have not helped. The last ones i took the highest dose of for a long time and all i got was side effects and the slightest dulling down feeling leaving me unable to deal with any thing. Sort of "im in a bad place but too apathetic to do anything about it" in the end i didnt remember who "me" was. I had to stop taking them to get myself back and start afresh. It was hell for about three months, but i did it. But it hasnt helped much i cant seem to get a grip on myself and life is flowing through my fingers like sand, there will be nothing left, all gobbled up by depression. Its been over a year now and my psycologist says take your tablets and i think he doesn't know how useless they've been. Ther is a thick ball of cotton wool inside my head and i have to think through it permenently and it is sooooo tiring and getting harder and harder to get through.

i see gp's for my physical ailments when i absolutely have to as i find it a difficult, humiliating mountain to climb. I cant find a doctor that im comfortable with. The last one said about depression in an offhand side comment ' just keep yourself busy and buck up". HA DE HA HA! Ive lived in this quicksand for decades fighting hard for my life, they didnt even look up from the page when they said it.

i dont have a car and my arthritis makes it hard to get around. I get very confused on public transport but i still try to use it on good days.

i wonder, if all my troubles stem from the fact that i loathe myself to the point of i dont realy figure in my own world. Im existing in a kind of shell that encloses the space where a person should be.

Im like an actor playing the part of my own life. Does anyone realy understand?

Beryl — Tue, 02 Jun 2015 22:18:58 GMT

Hi renmon thankyou for answering my message.i do get proffessional help, the darkness doesnt lift. I have no joy with the sun on my face. I have no joy. I wish i could feel joy once again even for just one whole minute. Its a very old dim memory. Its a page of colour in an old picture book, gone with the multiple decades.

Im like an actor playing the part of my own life. Does anyone realy understand?

renmon — Wed, 03 Jun 2015 11:44:08 GMT

Hi Beryl,

It sounds like you've had a long hard road managing your illness. I can only speak from my experience when I say you can find help that works for you and you can feel the joy from a smile but it might take a while to get there. I have treatment resistant depression and anxiety so I really understand the struggle of having to live with this illness and how it can erode your sense of self and belonging in the world. I am a bit of a relentless individual though so even on my darkest days I have fought against my illness 'taking over'. I really empathise with your situation and understand your desperation to get better. I can't fix any of this for you but I can say please hang in there and keep asking for help, tell anyone you can in your life that you need help and don't stop until you're sitting with someone or talking to someone who you feel you might trust to support you. It can be hard to get the support you need but you are worth it. There is something in you that thinks that because you have reached out to the members on here to connect to someone. Just grab on to that nugget of hope that led you to posting a message and nurture it like it's the most precious thing in the world. Hugs to you.

Im like an actor playing the part of my own life. Does anyone realy understand?

White_Rose — Thu, 04 Jun 2015 03:00:46 GMT

Dear Beryl

It is hard when you feel you are worthless. I know because I have spent many years telling myself how useless I am. I am now finding that it's just not true. I have a great GP and psychologist who are doing huge amounts for and with me. So you can get to the light.

If you are unhappy with your GP have you thought about going elsewhere? If you look under Get Support at the top of the page, then click on Find A Professional you will find a list of GPs with experience in managing mental health issues.This list is searchable by postcode. You may find a GP that you are more comfortable with.

Has your psych tried any therapy programs with you? Things like CBT, ACT or any others? I went to a psychiatrist who used CBT but he made it so complicated I had no idea what I was doing. However, my current psych simplified the program so that I understood it and suddenly it all made sense. And more to the point, once I knew what to do it started to work.

Try looking up neuroplasticity on the web. This relatively new science is all about how we can change and train our brains. Instead of the belief that our think and capacity to change is set from about the age of 20, it is now recognised that we are constantly changing and we can set our own course. Ask your psych about this.

It is hard to start with but once you get the idea it really is a life saver. I am realizing I do not have to accept that the way I used to do anything was the only way. I can alter my thoughts and walk down a different path.

Imagine your front garden is covered with weeds and grass which have grown very tall. You have walked to the road from the front door in the same line that you have worn a pathway to the road. But this road has grown boggy and slippery and you keep falling over. So now is the time to tread down a new pathway that is fresh, pleasant to walk along and where you do not fall over.

This is what you need to do with your mind. Think about it and chat with your psych. I hope it gives you a fresh perspective to consider.

Mary

Im like an actor playing the part of my own life. Does anyone realy understand?

Beryl — Sat, 06 Jun 2015 15:08:23 GMT

Hi white rose, thankyou for replying to my message. You have given me heaps of stuff to follow up, tthankyou so much. I have never been aware of doing any programmes with any of the psychs ive seen. I hate the way they sit and look sage and expect you to answer your own questions. If i knew what was going on and why i could fix it myself without going to see them. Nothing is ever explained to me. Its always been like that what am i doing wrong? Its like unravelling a basket of knotted knitting its all dead ends and not knowing where to start.

thankyou for your clear and direct suggestions, i hope i can get the courage to do something about it.

i went to the city today mingling with all the people. It was so odd. I didnt feel part of it at all. I was an invisible observer in slow motion while the world flowed around me like i wasnt there. The city was noisy but it was quiet inside my bubble. I wandered around with no destination because i hardly know where anything is in town,i dont know it very well as i have a rotten sense of direction and i forget where ive been anyway. The pavement floats up and down under my feet and i constantly have to gauge the distance to the ground and walls and doorways. Steps,people and everything to remain upright and moving along without crashing into things and losing my balance. Everything looks more than real, years ago i used to get whopping anxiety attacks over all this but now i just know im feeling wierd and it will get better once im at home. Do any of you lovely people (and i mean that. You are fast becoming my new family) ever feel this stuff? Then theres supermarkets! Those places make me feel so seasick. I just hate going in them i feel like my heads lifting off and my balance goes squiffy. Maybe i still have the anxiety, but it just doesnt bother me, im so used to it, but dont you hate that gripping in the back of your neck like its in a vice?

anyway thats how its been for decades and i plod along in my half life. Im so used to it , it is now my normal but when i notice it i feel SO RIPPED OFF. life? I want another go.

mostly its the depression that eats away any quality of life i can scratch out. That exhausted. Walking underwater feeling, sometimes its so oppressive i can hardly move. I toddle round the house like a ninety year old, spilling a few tears every 40 minutes or so for whatever reason. The days and years burn off the calendar and nothing changes. Love to you all, my family. Beryl.

Im like an actor playing the part of my own life. Does anyone realy understand?

White_Rose — Sun, 07 Jun 2015 01:15:52 GMT

Dear Beryl

I realised that not all psychiatrists and psychologists are equal. I once went to a psychiatrist for a number of years and all he did was try to get me to talk. He did try the CBT stuff as I described above. My GP was scathing about this. She said it was a good income for psychiatrists who expected clients to somehow find their own solutions to their problems. Instead the psychiatrist or psychologist should be actively helping their clients to heal.

The psychs should work out what is troubling their clients and how to help them. The programs I mentioned are just a few available. But the psych does not need to use a formal program to help someone, just work out how to clarify the difficulty and help the client to recover. I have progressed so much with the psychologist in just 18 months than I ever did in the years with the psychiatrist.

Try a new GP who may be able to provide all the help you need. My GP is certainly an amazing woman with so much expertise. I am lucky to have her as my GP.

You were talking about the floating feeling and the unevenness of the ground. While I appreciate this may be due to panic attacks, do you think you need to wear spectacles? I was once told I need spectacles and when I wore them the ground undulated in front of me. So I stopped wearing them. But this may be the reverse for you. Perhaps a referral to an eye specialist, not an optometrist. They make spectacles but I believe they are not as skilled as specialists in diagnosis.

I am proud of you getting yourself to the city. Being in crowded public places can be so difficult when you are anxious. Can I suggest you read the literature available on BB. Click on the The Facts and Resources at the top of the page and browse through the options there. The information may help you to understand your illness. I believe in being as informed as possible. BB will send you any info you want.

Living in the dark may seem unfair but what I believe is the most unfair part is not getting the help you need. Yes, you need to engage in your own recovery as much as possible, but you also need and deserve help from those whose job it is. I would feel ripped off also.

I went through this a little when I first became depressed as I thought there was a magic pill which would cure me. When I found out I was wrong I was devastated, but then I learned I had to work and realised it was a two-way process and started on my journey to recovery.

So please do not be afraid to ask and keep asking.

Mary

Im like an actor playing the part of my own life. Does anyone realy understand?

Beryl — Mon, 08 Jun 2015 13:46:50 GMT

Thankyou again white rose for reading my ramblings and replying. I will try to follow your suggestions. I did go to an eye specialist recently' they checked me and they checked my glasses. One of my pupils doesnt work properly so then i was sent for an mri scan which i dont know the results of because its all done between computors these days. I was told whatevers wrong was someone elses specialty and that i should go to a neurologist. I never did, i'd had enough by then. Hundreds of dollars, no answers. Just another dead end. I cant afford the luxury of visiting these people. Hugs. Beryl.

Im like an actor playing the part of my own life. Does anyone realy understand?

White_Rose — Wed, 10 Jun 2015 10:21:17 GMT

Dear Beryl

Sorry to be so long replying. I've had a couple days feeling very tired. Just finished radiotherapy for cancer and one side effect is tiredness. It's starting to get better and my brain is starting to function again. Whoopee!

About the MRI results. Your doctor should have a copy of these and should have discussed them with you. Well, actually the specialist who sent you for the MRI should have discussed them with you. I know going to see specialists is a pain in the rear end, but it is necessary at times. I have seen so many doctors etc in the past two months and run up and down from hospital every day for three weeks that I am well and truly over it, as the kids say.

I know specialist cost money, although the bulk of the fees should be paid by Medicare. Can you go back to your GP and get a referral to the neurologist. You are usually given the pictures of an MRI scan as doctors do not want to clutter up their offices with these records, so can you find them. It may be that whatever is amiss that needs a neurologist may also be impacting on your depression. I would think it was worth following up. At the very least it may solve some of your walking difficulties.

My dear, you have sat in the dark for so long I wonder if you have become afraid to find the light. Someone once told me that no matter how muddy it was, we stay in our own pigsty because we are used to it and know every corner. And that's what depression is like, a muddy pigsty. It's so hard to leave because the next place may be even worse. But the next place may be much better. Part of hating ourselves involves believing we have no right to be happy or live a comfortable life.

This is just not true. You are worthwhile and when a doctor tells you to "Buck up" it is insensitive and unprofessional. Clearly that doctor has no idea of depression and should be ashamed of him/herself. Please check out the list of BB doctors as I described above and find someone who not only knows about depression but also gives a d-m.

Set yourself one task at a time. First, find a new GP in your area. Second, write down all the the things you think and feel about yourself. Include as many medications as you can remember and the MRI. The doctor will be able to find the report. Third, make an appointment and attend the appointment with your notes. The GP will take it from there. This is the first step in your recovery and we will be here to cheer you on.

I send a big cyber hug to you.

Mary

Im like an actor playing the part of my own life. Does anyone realy understand?

Beryl — Thu, 11 Jun 2015 19:00:29 GMT

Hi white rose, sorry to take so long to reply but sometimes it takes time to be in the right mindspace to be able to put a reply together that is going to make sense. I read carefully what you said and im going to start by finding that gp. Which bit do i click on to see one in my area? Sorry im totally confused by computers. I got this little one from my son who was determined to drag me into this century. He enrolled me in a class to learn to use it as he is way too busy and here i am! . I can do these messages and google random stuff. This is a milestone for me even though there is so much more i dont understand. When i was about22 i had a huge shock and something died or dissapeared in my mind. And since then i havnt been able to read books, learn new things and rememberstuff . Some stuff filters into my mind , but its scattered and incomplete. If i try to read a book i read the same page over and over and i still dont know what it said, then two pages on i go straight to sleep. Ive tried to read hundreds of books over the years and i usually get about a third the way through if i make a massive effort and then realising just havnt absorbed it i just give up only to try again on another one. I miss books a lot. I think if i could clear away my mental problems and the ball of wool in my mind i could get my concentration back. Maybe. Its been a long time though, maybe this is it. Maybe i am stuck just behind the fringes of reality withot access to 'now' any more. Perhaps the bit of my life ive got left is going to be like this and its not worth bothering with. It will all be gone and i will have only had the first 22 years. Maybe thats it and i should be satisfied i had that.

i send you heaps of caring hugs and undertanding about your cancer and all that treatment youve just ploughed through. By the end of 6 weeks radiotherapy your body feels like a toxic waste dump. I had cancer too and its exhausting. Thats a very big thing youve just come through. Imagine ive just sent you 500 extra cute little helpers. They are all around your feet cheering you and blowing you kisses and taking turns to give you a hug from me. Half of them are going to wait on you hand and foot while you rest and recover and the other half are going to do all the cooking and house work, mow the grass, get the shopping and bring you lovely flowers.

Thinking of you, beryl

Im like an actor playing the part of my own life. Does anyone realy understand?

White_Rose — Thu, 11 Jun 2015 22:02:49 GMT

Dear Beryl

Thank you so much for your wonderful and kind thoughts. I love the idea of the 500 hundred helpers. I have had some people looking after me and doing things like driving me to the hospital for my treatments and it has been terrific.

Now to access that GP. At the top of the page there are some blue boxes. Put your cursor on Get Support then go down the list to Find a Professional and click on that. This will take you to the directory page. Fill in the boxes with your postcode and how far you can travel to a GP. The last box is a drop down list of the type of person you want. Click on the arrow and then click on General Practitioner. Click on the box next to the terms and conditions then click on Search. You will then be presented with a list of GPs in your area.

I hope to hear you have found a new GP soon.

Mary

Im like an actor playing the part of my own life. Does anyone realy understand?

JayMic — Fri, 12 Jun 2015 00:25:21 GMT

I know exactly how you feel Beryl. I have been in the same place myself. And you describe it perfectly - an actress playing my own life. It is temporary - hard but temporary. My life is waves too - as a counsellor myself i can see it coming clearly. My depression kicks in April-May and is full blown by winter - hence me right now. What has worked for me: Therapy - specially EMDR and Brainspotting techniques, Relaxation strategies - guided imagery, PMR and meditation, Physical exercise - forcing myself to the gym, a fun class- zumba, aerobics, & going for walks/runs. Gratefulness - i bought a diary from Kiki K and its a daily gratefulness reminder. Hobbies - i force myself to do the things i enjoyed such a seeing movies, coffees with friends, window shopping, going to the beach, just walking around the city, trying new experiences eg rock climbing, camping & dancing. Last but not least - self acceptance - telling yourself its okay, i accept this, you know this is depression, this will pass, you can do this, you have before, I wont let this take me, i am a good person.

I hope this helps - it works for me. I make a relaxation/happiness menu - that has between 8-10 strategies/places/things i like doing to relax, calm & increase my happiness and i try and at least 1-2 of them a day, when i really need it it may do more.

Thinking of you - you are strong, it is worth the fight, you can do this xox

Im like an actor playing the part of my own life. Does anyone realy understand?

Beryl — Fri, 12 Jun 2015 20:44:39 GMT

Hi white rose, once again thankyou for your positive support. I followed the steps but there is no listing in my area. I went further afield and there is one. When i get the address i will see if it is somewhere i can get to. I dont drive and never leave the house if i can help it but im going to try. I shall try to catch a bus and see if i can do it. I get lost easily and i find that stresses me out and brings on migrains and anxiety attacks but that always happens and im determined to try anyway. Things are easier in the winter as i can hide inside a coat, hat, gloves and sunglasses. I can blend into invisibility and that helps. I hate going out in the summer, people can see me and they dissaprove. They judge me severely and it makes me want to vanish. Its challenging enough going out at all without having to get through all the eyes and whispers. Im a different person on the inside. They dont know me but they bring me down. Even so i can do this! Here we go.

hugs from beryl.

Im like an actor playing the part of my own life. Does anyone realy understand?

Beryl — Fri, 12 Jun 2015 21:09:34 GMT

Hello jaymic, thankyou for replying. I cant get used to the thought that somebody out there understands this stuff and sadly has to go through it too. Every time i write on here it makes me cry the whole time but i guess thats good for me. I must be releasing a few tears from that ever brimming bowl inside my head. Some days its so full i just cry on and off all day at anything and i hide it when people come into the room. Its odd. There are other people in this house and they dont know i live in this private hell.

Your list of things you are doing to help yourself get better is inspiring. I cant live up to that. Sorry i want to crawl under a rock right now but i will be a bit better soon, if tune out for a bit i will be able to cope again. Beryl.

Im like an actor playing the part of my own life. Does anyone realy understand?

White_Rose — Sun, 14 Jun 2015 00:41:07 GMT

Hello Beryl

Congratulations on finding a GP even though it may be a little distance from you. Is there a community transport system in your area? Or an organisation that helps people to get to medical appointments?

There is a government subsidized taxi service which may be useful to you. I know it operates in Victoria, NSW and Qld and I presume the other states have a similar program. It is worthwhile putting Multi Purpose Taxi Program into your search engine. You need to apply for this but it may help you get around more easily without paying large sums.

I'm not very good finding my way to new places either. I was given a GPS for Christmas and that has been fantastic. I feel I can go to all sorts of places and actually arrive there.

Why do you feel people judge you when you go out? You must lead a very restricted life. You do need to get out into the sun. Vitamin D is essential for your health and helps with your feeling of well-being so make sure you get out in the sun a reasonable amount. Probably not a lot of sun at the moment but much safer at this time of the year to get some sun. Sitting in the sun with a cuppa can be very relaxing.

Let me know how you are going.

Mary

Im like an actor playing the part of my own life. Does anyone realy understand?

JayMic — Sun, 14 Jun 2015 08:53:31 GMT

One day at a time beryl, slow and steady - and crying is good - a great release. You are feeling something. I don't mean to overwhelm you with the list - I more give is as a suggestion if you ever feel you even want to give activity a go. You can do this - you have for so long & you will continue to fight. Good work on the gp also - amazing step! Take care & keep telling yourself u can do this x

Im like an actor playing the part of my own life. Does anyone realy understand?

Beryl — Sun, 14 Jun 2015 17:07:46 GMT

Hi white rose, i sat in the garden with a cup of tea today! I like my tiny private little yard. Thankyou for suggesting it. I like the cold weather very much, and the watery winter sun. I watched a tiny beetle circumnavigate the garden table. It was a big effort for such a little thing. Thats like us getting round our depression. We have to hang on like that little beetle, keep going and going and eventually we will get there. It started off as a not good day so i got very very busy with a hundred things that needed doing. I didnt feel like doing any of it but i made myself do it to take my mind off the negative thoughts. Mostly i was very lonely. Tonight i feel a bit brighter.

My life is very restricted, you are right white rose. I find going out is like embarking on an epic, even if im just going to the nearest shops. I dont like shopping. People in shops treat me as if im very stupid and it brings me down. I expect people to be polite and have manners and all that seems to be gone these days. It makes me so dissapointed and sad that people are not kind to each other.

people also judge me by my appearance. All my life people have been critical over just about everything about me. Most things i can hide by keeping my mouth shut. Its harder with how you look because they can see me. I try to dress so as i will not be noticed and keep away from the most critical types of people. As a child i was constantly ridiculed and dissaproved of at school and continually intimidated and belittled at home by one family member. I was referred to as 'miss' my name wasnt used, as though i was not significant enough to warrant one. Sometimes i was just given the name 'pest' ive never had much self esteem. These days i am no more than a servant where i live. Its very dull. Its sad really because im actually quite intelligent and fairly skillful with my hands. I could have had a good life but i just didnt have the wherewithall to make it happen.The people where i live dont get me at all either. I may as well have been dropped here from another planet.

Love to my new family, Beryl

Im like an actor playing the part of my own life. Does anyone realy understand?

White_Rose — Mon, 15 Jun 2015 10:12:02 GMT

Lovely to hear from you Beryl and I am so pleased you enjoyed your tea in the garden. It's a simple pleasure. A big step for you.

Love the beetle. Yes it is a good analogy for our lives. One step after another.

Another great step, making yourself carry out some chores. I hope it gave you a sense of satisfaction. I have been trying to get back to scrap-booking. I started this several years ago but it vanished as I became involved with other things. So I am starting again and was quite pleased with my first effort this time round.

It is hard to believe in yourself when no one has ever valued you. You write here like a person with intelligence. Oh dear, I hope that did not sound patronizing. I find it hard that you are not respected for being yourself but I understand how much hurt it causes you. I found it amazing that people wanted to drive me to my radiotherapy appointments and I discovered I was more cared for than I had realised. This is helping me start to feel good about myself.

I'm not sure what your living situation is or why you are unable to make friends with people who live in the same place. Can you ask one person to join you in the garden for a cuppa? Talk about the things that interest you and ask what interests them. This is a good way to start letting others get to know you. You will not make friends with everyone because this is the nature of friendship. But connecting with one or two people will be great. Why do you feel you are a servant there?

Mary