topic Terrified of going back + No confidence in Depression

Terrified of going back + No confidence

150lashes — Sat, 02 Apr 2016 00:00:30 GMT

I've been struggling with depression and anxiety and over the last week made a big turning point where I am feeling a lot better. My thinking is clear I'd say about 85% back to normal, I'm eating and drinking properly and have kicked the alcohol.

However I feel terrified of going back to where I was and I feel like I'm desperately clinging on to how I feel now as I'm afraid if I let my guard down I'll slip back to the black wave

I also have no confidence whatsoever. The fire I'm my belly to achieve and get out there whether it be work study or otherwise seems to be gone.

I lead a simple life. I get up of a day go for a refreshing walk or bike ride, do some cooking, catch up with friends for lunch, do school pick ups, after school activities, take photos of the sunset and other scenic shots. Finish the day with a good meal, a good book and repeat. That's all I seem to be interested in.

But I have mortgages, responsibility and a good career - I can't understand how I have no desire to do anything about this.

Any suggestions? Is this normal?

Terrified of going back + No confidence

Starwolf — Sat, 02 Apr 2016 00:51:32 GMT

Hello Lashes,

Good to know you are now in a better head space and taking good care of yourself. I hope you can enjoy the relief without focusing on the fear of another rough patch. Crossing bridges cannot be done before we get there. Thinking about what is not yet in sight only spoils enjoyment of the moment. Please remember that the "black wave" is just that...a wave, not the ocean. Worrying about its return will only contribute to push you under.

Well done for doing away with the alcohol issue. Alcohol is a depressant, the last thing you need in your life when you're already depressed. It seems to me you're doing remarkably well and a major victory has been achieved.

Lack of motivation is a by-product of depression so what you are feeling now is normal. Concentrating on looking after yourself without ifs and buts is what you need to do at the moment. Not feeling up to much else is OK. It doesn't mean giving up but taking things slowly, one baby step at a time. Pressure can be too distressing so be kind to yourself. Remember that depression is an illness, not weakness of character or failure...so celebrate every small victory. You deserve it. Individually, they may seem almost insignificant but they gradually add up to greater achievements. Return to basics, a simple life is excellent therapy. I guess you're on leave at the moment. Are you on a mental health plan ?

Thank you for sharing your experience and concerns. They will be familiar -so helpful- to many of us.

Take care. I wish you all the best.

Terrified of going back + No confidence

150lashes — Sat, 02 Apr 2016 01:02:37 GMT

Thanks Starwolf I appreciate you taking the time to respond to me.

I think you are right, perhaps I'm expecting too much of myself too soon. I just need to take it a step at a time.

im on a mental health care plan and seeing a psychologist weekly and GP fortnightly - both have been marvellous.

I resigned from my job and deferred my study so I have to find new employment. I'm just not sure I'm ready and don't know how you know when you're ready. I'm scared of going back if I'm not ready and stuffing up also.

It just seems easier to take things simple but I know it's not a long term solution.

Thanks so much again for the comments. I feel proud of my 'win' at the moment. It's taken a lot of effort. For me breathing was key and a post it note on my bathroom mirror reminding me I'm not a failure and I just need to breathe.

Thank you

Terrified of going back + No confidence

CMF — Sat, 02 Apr 2016 01:42:45 GMT

Hi there,

Congratulations on your turning point and Glad to hear you are feeling better. I think it's very normal to be afraid of going back to how you are feeling when you are stating to feel better. Those awful feelings are still fresh in your mind. Give yourself time, my favourite saying at the moment is "baby steps". As far as having no motivation, I totally understand that, you're I "recovery" if there is no pressure to get back into work, study etc then I would just keep enjoying what you are doing and let your mind and body heal. You're eating well, walking, getting out, that's fantastic. Depression is living in the past, anxiety is living in the future. Sounds to me you are living in the present which is exactly where you should be. As you feel better and stronger the bad memories will fade and you will find your motivation, for now, I think you are doing all the right things - baby steps.

take care

cmf

Terrified of going back + No confidence

150lashes — Sat, 02 Apr 2016 02:12:42 GMT

Thanks cmf

I appreciate your comments 🙂

I guess if I was already in a job I'd be able to ease back into it on a transition to work program, gradually. But as I need to find a new role I really need to be 100% confident before even attempting it. Makes it difficult. To know when is best. I'm not sure there is an answer to that.

have a great day 🙂

Terrified of going back + No confidence

Starwolf — Sat, 02 Apr 2016 02:31:57 GMT

Thanks for the feedback. Knowing you are currently on a health plan and in good hands is great news.

Regarding an eventual return to the work force, I am sure your therapist will be a good advisor when the time comes. Most of the scary scenarios we concoct and play in our head never make it into reality. Meanwhile, giving yourself breathing space is the best strategy. While looking in the mirror, please don't forget to give yourself a pat on the back and see yourself smiling in grateful response to this acknowledgment of your courage and worthiness.

Have a peaceful week-end.

Terrified of going back + No confidence

150lashes — Sat, 02 Apr 2016 02:39:17 GMT

That's really lovely Starwolf, thank you 🙂

Terrified of going back + No confidence

CMF — Sat, 02 Apr 2016 06:46:02 GMT

Hi,

you've done great, be kind to yourself. I think you'll know when the time is right, you'll feel it and most of all you will be ready for that next step.

for now keep doing what you're doing, it seems to be agreeing with you.

enjoy 🙂

Terrified of going back + No confidence

CMF — Sat, 02 Apr 2016 10:09:03 GMT

Hi,

if you don't me asking, how Li g were you suffering anxiety/depression? H you reach your turning point? What steps did you take to make yourself better?

cmf

Terrified of going back + No confidence

150lashes — Sat, 02 Apr 2016 10:52:23 GMT

Hey

I had been suffering from anxiety and panic attacks for a good 6 months but did nothing to treat it. Partly I was in denial, partly I knew but didn't want to address it. So I continued on this path of working excessive hours approx 60 per week, facing issues at work around bullying and harassment, plus studying 15 hours a week at university and having a very sick toddler seeing specialists.

Long story short the day came that I tipped over the edge. Plummeted into depression and I remember the night I had the worst panic attack Ever. I often think of that night as some kind of mental break down as I really felt like something snapped in me.

From there I quit everything my job, study, obviously not my kids so that stress remains 🙂

I did take antidepressants for a week but the side effects were really bad on my anxiety and I stopped them. I went to a psychologist and she helped me recognise what was going on and remedies to control my anxiety.

I was in a bad way in that I wouldn't go to bed until 1am as I had to be exhausted before I could get to bed, then the nights were filled with anxiety and panic attacks followed by depression which would result in me then sleeping for 12 hours. I would not be able to eat so I starved until I couldn't handle it and then just eat lollies to get some energy, that would cause my sugar levels to rise too rapidly and fall so I would get head spins and take pain relief. Then at night I would drink alcohol. The cycle would repeat. Going from anxiety to depression over and over again.

This went on for 5 weeks. My turning point came at this time.

My psychologist and GP were I think integral at getting me through this. I see the psychologist weekly and GP fortnightly.

I tool sleeping tablets for one week to regulate my sleep cycle. From there I learnt breathing exercises which I do at night and first think in the morning which is when my anxiety is worst. I listen to rainforest music via headphones every night. I read a book every night. I drink a cup of warm milk, honey and 1/4 teaspoon of nutmeg every night. This got me back into properly sleeping and reduced my anxiety. This made a massive impact on my mood and ability to cope.

I had to relearn to eat. My psychologist did a plan where I started with a tablespoon of cereal then two, three and so forth. This was done 5 times a day. My meals are very soon but at least I'm eating 5 times a day which has regulated my sugar levels. Lollies and alcohol are banned.

Terrified of going back + No confidence

150lashes — Sat, 02 Apr 2016 10:56:16 GMT

Sorry I ran out of words!

I also walk each morning as this helps control the morning anxiety and I practice breathing whilst walking.

When I had the "break down" I'd say my mental capacity was down to 40 per cent as I just couldn't focus or concentrate on anything or think clearly. Now I'm at around 85-90 per cent in 5 weeks

I don't know if it's over for good or what but I'm taking it and trying not to let go and I'm scared of going back to where I was.

It is definitely the most challenging health issue I have ever faced in my life.

I hope some of this helps others in some way

Terrified of going back + No confidence

CMF — Sat, 02 Apr 2016 11:36:51 GMT

Wow, thanks for sharing this. You are amazing, strong and an inspiration, not to mention a wonderful mother. Your story reminds me of a similar situation I was in about 12 years ago. Not as bad as you but I know the feeling of not wanting yo sleep, waking up during the night and morning sick, not eating etc. do you gave a partner? Support person? Someone who helps with you with the kids?

i truly believe this lack of motivation/interest you currently have is your mind and body telling you it's needs to rest and heal. You have been through a great deal mentally and physically. I u der stand its daunting having to start over again, looking for employment and not having something to ease back into but you are a very capable woman and when your mind and body re ready, you'll e ankle to take that step. You mention you dealt with bullying and harassment issues. Was this towards you or others in the workplace? To be able to do all you were doing, work, study, children whilst you were unwell shows your strength and determination. I think if anything you now hVe the tools to deal with things but as I keep saying (sorry to keep repeating it) just keep doing what you're doing, things will fall into plAce.

thank you so much for opening up and sharing this. It's people like you that give others hope. I hope your little one is doing ok and keep posting if you need to.

keep it up and let us know how you're doing.

best wishes

cmf

Terrified of going back + No confidence

150lashes — Sat, 02 Apr 2016 12:14:54 GMT

Hey cmf

Thanks for your lovely compliments. I appreciate that.

I have an amazingly supportive husband and without him taking over a lot of the household chores and taking care of the kids, the last 5 weeks would have been a lot more difficult.

He would get the kids ready for preschool of a morning whilst I was still out of it in bed. When the little one is sick and can't go to pre school I'd have to look after him the best I could at home. My husband works full time but would try to pop in at his lunch break and get home early if he could.

The bullying and harassment was towards me. It's a whole seperate story on his own to be honest, one I won't get into right now.

I think you're right, I need to take it slow and see it as recovery mode 🙂 everything takes time, I'm just getting ahead of myself.

Thanks and have great weekend 🙂

Terrified of going back + No confidence

white knight — Sat, 02 Apr 2016 13:02:06 GMT

Hi 150lashes,

I replied to a response on another thread.

But as you have added much more detail about bullies. This might help to. Google it

"Topic: so what are THEIR mental illnesses- beyondblue"

"Topic: Bullying- beyondblue"

and my latest thread- "Depression and timing motivation- beyondblue"

You are doing ok.

Tony WK