topic Is anger a problem for you? in Depression

Is anger a problem for you?

Scotchfinger — Mon, 11 Jan 2016 08:10:48 GMT

Who me? No way. Just because I'm old and grumpy and oversensitive and get annoyed by 90% of the population 90% of the time, doesn't classify me as angry, does it? (smiley, smiley)

My problem, as I'm sure it was for a lot of you, is that I didn't deal with my own anger when I was young. "Anger" was seen as an emotion that could only be expressed by parents or older siblings, those in authority. Boundaries? We never heard of that word in the sixtees and seventies. Ok maybe for cricket, I admit.

It didn't seem appropriate or cool for me to express annoyance, so I never did.

So now I'm making up for lost time. just get angry for fun now. For nothing so I can stay in practice, in form.

I heard that anger and depression are like twin brothers though. I need to work on some of my anger, mostly caused by rumination. The past seems to really influence my current happiness. I wish I could just focus on the present .

Is anger a problem for you?

Simona — Mon, 11 Jan 2016 09:03:09 GMT

Hello Scotchfinger : )

Aha. It is indeed a problem and one which I struggle controlling/muzzling sometimes. Probably more often than I would like to admit. Thing is; one minute I'm happy lad-di-dah and then something happens and I lose it. And it begins with a foul word so menacingly fired - like a poison dart. And sometimes it escalates and i hit the wall with my fist/elbow the door. Broke sunglasses (mine). Drive the car hard. Challenge people and not know when to back off (3 men in Coles car park over car spot). Picked up and hurled a mirror off a display shelf in a store because sales assistant said something I didn't like . That was in the city though.

It could be something so minor/insignificant but I just can't help myself and then I feel like a really bad person the next day because (usually) partner is almost tiptoing around me and/or saying "Is there anything i can do for you?" and I'm supposed to be the sorry one.

Stress is not good for me and neither is insomnia. The two make me feel almost insane at times .

Is anger a problem for you?

Elizabeth CP — Mon, 11 Jan 2016 09:34:06 GMT

I read a book some time ago which suggested we need to allow time to experience negative emotions. This means acknowledging the emotion and what is causing it. For example saying to yourself Í am angry and then thinking Im 'tired and such and such has gone wrong so it isn't surprising I feel angry

Obviously this is about acknowledging your emotions not using them as an excuse to act out inappropriately. Normally we try to get rid of negative emotions because we are taught they are bad. The problem with suppressing the negative feelings is it just bottles them up until they explode. 'By allowing the emotion to be acknowledged and accepted as reasonable it allows the feeling to subside naturally.

From your post it sounds like you have spent a lifetime suppressing negative emotions and now feel bad about feeling angry which then leads to further anger.

It is worth a try to see if thhais approach helps at all.

Is anger a problem for you?

white knight — Mon, 11 Jan 2016 09:56:04 GMT

Hi SF

Well, I think this anger is more in men than women but that's an assumption.

I've found, rather my current wife has found, that my moods lead to anger. Hence my rather large dose of mood stabilisers which help a bit but not a lot. Compared to my depression that has a very small dose of AD's and that fixes me quite well.

Men and moods, "grumpiness"....mmmm.... some of us shy away from small talk. We like only talk that is productive. eg I live in a tiny town near a larger town. When in the larger town I meet others I know. When I stop for a chat I want to talk about serious issues like how to fix my ride on lawn mower, a federal election, 9/11 or similar....then the talk goes to the persons grandson and his 3rd birthday party at a local park ..."and there were balloons everywhere...and the cake was this lovely mud cake with sprinkles on top..." And I'm outer here!!! Is this reasonable? Sure isn't, I am not rude and retreat slowly with grace but I'm selfish as I am only interested in the topics that inspire me. Mind you if that old lady was sad I'd cheer her up, that is inspiring a challenge for me. It's stimulating.

I'd like to see more research on our grumpiness. I feel my grumpiness is like at 60yo I have lived 120 years. I jammed so much into my younger days due to mania, lived so much life, that I'm burned out with "been there done that."

So anger for me is the result is the end product of moods. My anger though is expelled by the raising of my voice. As if I'm frustrated. It isn't fair on my wife so I apologise often.

Tony WK

Is anger a problem for you?

Scotchfinger — Mon, 11 Jan 2016 10:37:50 GMT

Thank Tony

Glad I'm not the only one with a problem.

Is anger a problem for you?

Guest_1055 — Mon, 11 Jan 2016 11:44:21 GMT

Yes it is a problem sometimes for me, you are not alone.

Xxx

Is anger a problem for you?

the_motorcycle_boy — Mon, 11 Jan 2016 13:35:49 GMT

Hi Scotchfinger,

Anger was a problem for me but as my depressive illness has improved, my anger has diminished. At one point, I'd seethe with it, finding it difficult to contain it. I am just thankful it has almost gone.

I am however left with the question, "How will my anger be when I'm back to normal?" It is interesting because like you, I rarely got angry when younger...Now I believe it is healthy to "let out" anger constructively, e.g. punching a pillow!, yelling under water, exercise, etc.etc, rather than suppressing it (or clocking someone!).

They say you get depressed when your needs go unmet, maybe this is the source of anger too? I don't know.

As for focusing on the present, Ideally, I try to live in the present moment, no guilt over the past and no worry about the future. This is a LOT easier said than done but I find it worthwhile to remember.

TMB

Is anger a problem for you?

DefiantPanda — Mon, 11 Jan 2016 17:37:20 GMT

Yes anger can be a problem as it can stop me from doing something constructive as I get caught up - 'Why is this happening to me,' or 'This is so unfair!' Instead I should say okay I'm angry, feel it for a moment, maybe yell and scream or roll my eyes, then quickly say okay what am I going to do about this situation that is going to help me. But it is easier said than done.

Is anger a problem for you?

Simona — Tue, 12 Jan 2016 00:10:17 GMT

Well, just saying: I'm really trying to get help in the anger management area but have to wait a long time since living very rural ( i have to wait till March ). And I'm really not a bad person at all it's just that I get worked up very fast and sometimes I do say sorry if it's really my fault but usually it's actually not my fault at all. Partner often deliberately provokes me and that's a fact. The sales assistant at the jewellery shop used a very condescending tone with me and the car park scenario escalated because I stood my ground bravely against people who in my strongest opinion; were clearly high on some illegal substance and were trying to bully me in a very public setting.

But please let it be known I also have a vigilante side and come to the aid of other's in distress without a second thought because I care. I don't like to see people abused. Period. That anger/rage - whatever you want to call can at times be very beneficial because that rush of adrenalin makes me feel superhuman and i don't even flinch even when screaming face to face with someone.

Yes. I have in the past considered joining the police force but they have too many rules

Is anger a problem for you?

Scotchfinger — Tue, 12 Jan 2016 00:54:00 GMT

Thanks Simona and Motorcycle guy

I'd like to see "anger" destigmatised. it is too easily associated with agitation, violence, aggression and being out of control. All negatives.

Anger is a symptom that something is wrong either outside us or internally. (some will say only internal)

It can motivate us to action. (as simona said "adrenalin")

Better to notice it in the early stages and do something about it. (annoyance] Before it gets worse and feeds off itself.

Better not to react with anger to other people's anger. it doesn't work.

But as I said before, anger can help change for the better. Not be passive doorstops. Be active communicators. Express annoyance early or just let it go as the Buddhists say. Buddhists give anger a really bad rap which I slightly disagree with.

Is anger a problem for you?

Scotchfinger — Tue, 12 Jan 2016 00:57:47 GMT

what I forgot to say is that surely artists use "anger" as a creative force. Look at all the protest songs of the sixtees and seventies.

Is anger a problem for you?

Simona — Tue, 12 Jan 2016 01:50:34 GMT

For me; there is a fine line between anger and rage. And i have a son with O.D.D. So for me, this anger thing is a epic problem. I'm supposed to be a positive role model but I'm capable of the most drawn out tantrums. It can be over my partner's snoring/breathing on my face.

Is anger a problem for you?

pipsy — Tue, 12 Jan 2016 06:52:05 GMT

Hi. Can I jump on the bandwagon here? My biggest problem was growing up with narcissistic, controlling parents. I was not allowed to show anger, nor was I allowed to laugh 'too loudly'. No matter what happened, I was blamed, if I got angry, I was 'shut down' quickly. My father was also an alcoholic, not violent, but noisy. My mum would laugh and 'egg' him on when he was drunk. I had no privacy unless I was 'nude' in my room. I have found the best tonic for anger is 'laughter'. If you can laugh at the stupid nonsense that goes on instead of 'buying' the negative anger, you actually feel better. My brother was abusive toward me in the worse possible way. He no longer figures in my life. I have chosen to 'throw off' the 'rubbish', from my previous life and I have emerged 'reborn' into a woman who controls my own emotions. If I choose to be angry, that's my right. How I manifest it is the secret. I actually keep a journal where I 'vent' when I get angry at injustice. I don't hurt anyone, my journal got a real workout when my ex and I were at our worse. My journal knows all my passions, my fears, my loves. Once you can vent, you actually don't get angry at rubbish spoken, you learn to laugh because it is rubbish. Yes, Scotchfinger is right, songs are another way of venting, if it works and no-one gets hurt, do it.

Is anger a problem for you?

Scotchfinger — Tue, 12 Jan 2016 07:14:58 GMT

nice post pipsy

I really admire the way you've graduated from such an awful childhood with those egomaniacal parents. And it is clear to me you have become a mentally strong person without any chip on your shoulder. All credit to you! I do a similar thing with journaling to you, by the way. Reading the journal months, years later I go "oh what the hell was I feeling and thinking then!"

Is anger a problem for you?

pipsy — Tue, 12 Jan 2016 07:38:47 GMT

Thank you Scotchfinger. Yes, it's funny when you look back on what you've written in anger. Sometimes I find myself smiling when I think of how angry I was when I wrote whatever I wrote in anger. Actually, one thing I learnt from my so-called well meaning parents. The only way they can hurt you is when you let them 'get to you'. As a child, yes, they did and often. After I got kicked out at 17, I hated them, what an empty emotion. They did me a favour, instead of having me as pet 'whipping boy', they had to learn to live together. My journal got a real work out when I was turfed out. I became stronger when I realized they had no control over me once I was not living at home. I did have to take responsibility for me, but I didn't have to take their 'crap' on. They had to. They could no longer tell me what to do, when to do it. If they visited me, it was on MY terms. I never visited them, never phoned them. They wanted me out, they got it. My life was MINE. They're both passed now, I do miss what I never had with them, the love, the nurturing. But, fortunately for me, I am loved more from my close friends. Parents couldn't give me what they didn't feel, their loss, not mine. I can love more intensely than they ever loved, even each other. BB has been great as a place of encouragement & support. My work is great because I can help others less fortunate physically, mentally.

Only you choose the path you take, no-one can force you to do something you're not comfortable with.

Is anger a problem for you?

Gonegirl — Tue, 12 Jan 2016 11:07:10 GMT

Hi Scothfinger, my problem is repressed anger. It's so far down that I usually can't bring it out unless I'm pushed to my very limits of frustration. I can however internalise anger toward myself. I too was taught that anger is violence, fear and that your mouth should for your own well being remain shut. As a child I never seemed to get this message 😉 Do you express your anger outwardly or do you get grumpy in yourself? I'm very uncomfortable with confrontation, even a change in tone can set me on edge. I don't have advice as I've learnt that if I can't live it I shouldn't say it, but I can offer you my support. I hope it gets better. Lou 😀

Is anger a problem for you?

pipsy — Tue, 12 Jan 2016 21:14:08 GMT

Hi Gonegirl. What makes you angry the most, fear because you can't express anger. When you have it 'drummed' into you that you're not to show emotion, it's hard to overcome that feeling of 'not allowed to'. What you need to do is have something soft like a pillow, punch it hard whenever you feel frustrated. Shut your doors, turn t.v up fairly loud, if you're alone, punch pillow and scream while you're punching. It sounds crazy, but, hey, if it works, what the Hell. It's okay to get angry, really angry. Now that you're an adult, you're your own person. I vent in my journal, read back what I've written, then tell myself to 'breathe' deeply. Meditation doesn't work for me because I'm not 'into that'. Everyone has different ways of expressing anger. If you keep repressing it, you get so 'inside' yourself, that's when 'black dog' hits. Each time you vent, however you choose to, you will get stronger. I have also learned to laugh at the nonsense in the world. I get angry at senseless violence, people attacked, killed, children raped, murdered, but I don't take it on board. You're allowed to get angry at whatever makes you angry, but venting is just as important.

Is anger a problem for you?

Elizabeth CP — Tue, 12 Jan 2016 22:23:43 GMT

I agree with Pipsy. Anger is a normal emotion not something bad. It is only when anger is suppressed until it causes you to explode and do something that hurts someone. In that situation it is better to get away on your own to let off steam until you feel more in control. Venting is a great idea. My grandma used to break jam jars into the bin when she was upset.. It hurt no one and helped calm her down. My brother bought his son drums because he had a problem managing his anger. He took his frustrations out playing the drums rather than hitting and yelling at his siblings. In the past I had problems because I would raise my voice when I was really upset and needed to vent. Unfortunately my husband would take it as an attack on him and then respond so things escalated into an argument. After discussion when we were both calm I explained what was happening from my point of view emphasizing that it was my way of venting when frustrated or angry but I wasn't blaming my husband. After agreement I now preface my rants by stating 'I'm upset or angry with the situation not you.' This helps us both as my husband knows he is not being blamed or accused of anything and it it stops me bottling things up and then exploding and since my husband doesn't retaiate the arguments have stopped.. Ideally I would be able to control myself better but I have to accept I'm not perfect.

Is anger a problem for you?

Guest_1055 — Tue, 12 Jan 2016 22:35:02 GMT

This is some of the things I have learnt about anger within myself and seeing others who are also angry.

You can feel angry because you are not getting what you want....

If you don't forgive someone for whatever reason, you can become bitter, which may lead to anger and even a deeper emotion which is hate.......

Best get rid of the anger from within yourself, in a way that does not harm or hurt someone else, I normally punch my pillow as Pipsy suggested, and scream out into the noise of the waves at the beach........

Doing exercise like running can help calm you down when angry..........

Certain foods or consuming other stuff into your body can trigger the emotions of anger, for me personally it is caffeine and refined sugars.........

Not getting enough sleep or rest, can make your angry.......

If someone is directing their anger verbally at you, try not react back with your own anger ( challenging), best respond with gentleness and a soft answer it can actually help them and the situation..........

And teach your children how to deal with their emotions such as anger in the best way, which I sometimes think they learn best by your very own example........

Hugs

Shelley xx

Is anger a problem for you?

Scotchfinger — Tue, 12 Jan 2016 23:01:46 GMT

Do you express your anger outwardly or do you get grumpy in yourself? I'm very uncomfortable with confrontation, even a change in tone can set me on edge.

At home , my partner and I express anger openly. We used to hide it from each other but now we just say what is on our mind. It is extremely healthy and we have learnt not to take each other's anger personally. (no, it doesn't become violent) I think we are careful how we state our annoyance though.Never say "oh why are you such an idiot?" I've learnt from my own experience that words are dangerous, so we both avoid destructive language.

Workplace. Now this is where you have to be careful. With people you are not close to, yet work close together. I've learnt to have very strict boundaries. Some might disagree with me but I am hyper vigilant for any perceived sarcastic tone or rudeness. I don't want to go home with a headache worrying about them. Nip it in the bud before it gets under your skin. "oh why would you say that?" or "I hope you're not being sarcastic" or "I'm sorry but that sounds rude to me". People will get the message that you have your antennae tuned, you don't take nonsense. You might even get a reputation as "difficult" but as long as you do the job, people learn to be careful around you.

But it has taken me many years to work this out. Don't be too loosey goosey with people because they will misinterpret this as "soft" and will test your boundaries. You become an easy target "Oh good I can relax with Scotch, I don't have to be nice to him" Now this has become my approach. others will disagree of course.

I used to jog before my back played up. It was such a great stress reliever. Now I go to saunas and swim and go for long walks. Not as good as jogging. I really could get rid of all the anger and confusion.