topic Mid life crisis and depression as well! in Depression

Mid life crisis and depression as well!

wagner — Mon, 06 Apr 2015 23:58:49 GMT

Hi everyone, I am new to using online forums so bear with me. Recently I had what I consider a breakdown. My relationship wasn't going well as my girlfriend had become a workaholic and I resented the hours which she worked. Work was incredibly stressful (I am a high school teacher). I could not derive any pleasure from anything. 4 weeks ago it became too much and I was seriously wanting to end it all. Fortunately I didn't go through with it although it was pretty close. Now my girlfriend has left me because she cannot cope with my negativity. I am probably going to sell the house and I have nowhere to live. I was hoping to have a family but that seems highly unlikely. Everyone has been really helpful at work and my friends have been pretty understanding. I feel lost and alone. The future I had planned is gone and the only thing I care about are my two dogs. I really don't want to end up alone. I am seeking help and have a gp which is really good and I am seeing a counsellor. Does anyone know of any support groups in the inner west of Sydney? The easter break has been really tough and I cannot stop thinking about the past and the poor decisions which I have made. Any suggestions?

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Mid life crisis and depression as well!

White_Rose — Tue, 07 Apr 2015 05:25:57 GMT

Hello Wagner

Great that you have found your way to Beyond Blue and welcome to the community.

Life sounds pretty uncomfortable for you at the moment so it's good that you can talk to your GP, counsellor and friends. It's sad that your GF is unable to support you at this time and I expect she feels a bit uncomfortable about this. Unfortunately depression (which I presume is your difficulty) is an illness that many people do not know how to handle. And in many ways it is easier to let her go than cope with her reluctance.

If you put depression support groups in your search engine you will find groups near you. The Black Dog Institute has links to some of these. Also look up GROW, SANE, Headspace. No doubt there are many more reputable organisations who offer local support groups.

Can I ask a personal question? Why are you thinking of selling your home if you have nowhere to go? It seems a bit self-defeating. Moving house comes into the top 10 stressors of life. So add that to a relationship breakdown and illness and the pressure will be enormous.

Having a couple of dogs is great. Many of the folk who write here have pets and find them of enormous comfort. Until I moved to my current home I always had cats and/or dogs. You could always post a picture of your dogs as your avatar. Is that what it's called?

Thinking about the past and reflecting on the should-have-dones is a well-know pastime for most of us. Not a good idea but very understandable. Every time you find yourself doing this you need to give yourself a diversion. Sounds easy doesn't it? Not really but perseverance will make the action easierl.

So what to do? If you really want to think about a particular action or event then you can do so for not more than one half hour PER DAY. Time yourself. Not half an hour per topic but half an hour per day.

Now you need a repertoire of things to do. Make yourself a list, even if it's in your mind. Not anything complicated or requiring huge amounts of energy. Examples are gardening, just pulling up weeds, going for a walk, talking to a friend, housework, cooking a meal. It's best if it is something active which exclude TV and reading. Have a bath, go to the pub with friends. Pick a number that you enjoy and will engage in. No good saying you will go jogging if you hate it.

How about grooming your dogs. That would be a satisfying occupation I would think. And of course there is always school work to prepare.

Hope you will reply soon.
Mary

Mid life crisis and depression as well!

July — Tue, 07 Apr 2015 05:36:34 GMT

Hi Wagner,

I am glad you have expressed your feelings here it is a great relief to get to out. We all have good and bad times in our lives, but remember your life is precious and there are many people you are yet to meet in this world.

You said a mid life crisis and depression were the problem, oh yes I can relate, I think when we turn a certain age and things aren't where we thought they would be, it seems so much worse, but you never know what is waiting around the corner for you.

The funny thing is , we often find things when we least expect it. Its good you are talking to someone that is half the problem, just for someone to listen to your feelings and they are justified.

We all make bad decisions , no doubt there, but we can't change, them so we need look up and beyond and learn from our mistakes.

Im glad you have your two dogs for love and companionship, animals are great stress relievers, they seem to understand you and give unconditional love, my cats have been told many a secret from me and they seem to know when you are upset my cats become very affectionate around me when I'm down , its like they know, a sixth sense as such.

If your girlfriend left because of a few problems then she doesn't deserve you and your love, maybe it was for the best and there is another path you will follow, don't give up on the future because you do not know what it is yet....I hope you just relax and know there are many of us thinking of you and wishing you well.

I would love to hear back from you when you are ready.

July

Mid life crisis and depression as well!

wagner — Tue, 07 Apr 2015 07:01:24 GMT

Thanks for your reply mary and july. Due to the relationship breakdown and the house is in joint names I don't have the money to pay out my partner. As you are aware, Sydney house prices are stratospheric at the present time. I have been keeping myself as busy as possible with marking half yearly examinations but this is hardly enjoyable more a necessity. I haven't lost hope. I saw my GP and she was really great. I am going to qld next week to see my friend for a couple of days. Unfortunately I cannot drink which is probably a good thing. It is nice to know people are out there who actually care about others who have not met me. The dogs are pretty much the only thing I care about at the moment as they are always there for me no matter what. I'll keep you posted about things. Thanks

Mid life crisis and depression as well!

Doolhof — Tue, 07 Apr 2015 09:22:15 GMT

Hi Wagner,

Mary and July have given you some wonderful advice. I too was going to ask why you need to sell the house, but your answer has explained that issue.

Is it possible for you to sell the home and buy something smaller and more manageable for now? Has your girlfriend told you she wants half of the house right now?

I'm from Adelaide so house prices are quite different from Sydney, so I have no idea what the market is like at present there.

It is wonderful you have people supporting you. Keeping in touch with family, friends and work mates is very important when we are going through a tough time.

Do you think there is any chance you may be able to get back with your girlfriend at all?

Both my husband and I suffer from depression and life came to a bit of a head at Christmas. We have been able to sort things out. I know that is not always possible, but just wondering if there might be a slight chance.

A trip away right now might be just what you need. Being in a different environment gives us an opportunity to think more clearly and differently about our issues.

I hope the time away is very beneficial for you.

Cheers for now from Mrs. Dools

Mid life crisis and depression as well!

July — Tue, 07 Apr 2015 12:16:05 GMT

Hi Wagner,

I hope you have nice break in Queensland, leave your worries at home for a while , might be nice to clear your head to.

My sister in law is a high school teacher to so I understand the stress of that job, you guys deserve a medal.

If you have to sell the house remember its only bricks and mortar, your home is where the heart is, and that decision will be further down the track so leave that for later and concentrate on your own well being for now.

Glad you replied and take it easy.

All the best

July

Mid life crisis and depression as well!

wagner — Fri, 10 Apr 2015 07:40:39 GMT

Hey guys , thanks for your support and advice. Believe it or not I actually feel better today first time in three weeks! Going to QLD tomorrow but when I return some hard decisions will need to be made. So I am just going to enjoy the next couple of days. Part of the problem has been recognising that this is going to be long haul. I'll post a reply in a couple of days. Cheers

Mid life crisis and depression as well!

BeingHuman — Fri, 10 Apr 2015 08:14:21 GMT

Oh that must be a nice bit of relief to be feeling a little better? Hopefully you're getting some love from friends up there?

Just thinking what a great time to find good, caring people. I think a lot of people enjoy helping if they can be given half the chance. You undoubtedly need it right now so I hope you ask for it? Give those lucky, good people a chance to feel good about themselves. 🙂

You may not read this till your home again. Possibly that surge/natural desire of 'feeling better' has fallen away again. I hope not!! ..but I could see myself and others easily going through that....so take some refuge in knowing it would be natural.

Whats the next smallest of small things you plan to do that will help?

PS I'm bouncing along the ground at the moment currently unemployed. My wife is working crazy hours and returning home exhausted but full of passionate stories as she builds her empire.

Mid life crisis and depression as well!

White_Rose — Sun, 12 Apr 2015 00:06:26 GMT

Welcome to Queensland. The weather is lovely and the people are friendly. Enjoy your time here.

Mary

Mid life crisis and depression as well!

Doolhof — Sun, 12 Apr 2015 09:39:06 GMT

Hi Being Human,

It is great to read your input. Welcome to Beyond Blue and the community here. I like the way people support each other on this forum.

Sorry to read that you are presently out of work. I know how that feels, having been there myself previously and now with my husband being out of work for two years!

He was bumping along reasonably okay, then he fell into a crater for a while. I am happy to say that he has been able to climb out of the hole and has managed to dust himself off and move forward again.

Once again it is great you have contributed.

If you need to or would like to start your own post sometime feel free to do so.

I'm sure we are all hoping that the break does Wagner a lot of good and he returns feeling refreshed.

All the best to you BeingHuman, from Mrs. Dools

Mid life crisis and depression as well!

wagner — Fri, 17 Apr 2015 12:05:26 GMT

Dear members, thanks for your support and advice. Even though I have not met you I really appreciate your kind words and support. I had a pretty good time in Qld I really enjoyed spending time with my friend. He kept asking, " How can I help I am not sure what to do?" all I could say to reassure him and myself was to tell him that just spending time with him and his kids was pretty good therapy in itself. I guess that is what life is all about. My partner and I have not reconciled but we are on friendly terms which is a relief. I was half expecting the house to be cleared out but she is essentially a good person and at least she showed a bit of an interest in how I was feeling which has not been the case for a long time. I have always had a cynical approach to online help but I have to admit that this has genuinely helped me. Back to work next week is the next challenge but at least this time I have some strategies in place, I am not sure how much the ssri drugs are helping but this time round I am going to accept the doctors advice. I told my friend Steve that for the first time in my life I feel scared that this is not going to be fixed anytime soon. I would rather have a broken limb than what I and I am sure many of you have experienced or are currently experiencing, I am trying to stay positive and at least I still have my dogs. I am not sure if this is helping anyone but myself but for those of you who are feeling down I guess talking about how you feel and knowing that people are listening makes the whole process of getting well a little easier. Thanks guys I really appreciate your kind words,

Mid life crisis and depression as well!

July — Fri, 17 Apr 2015 13:45:00 GMT

Hi Wagner,

Im glad you had some relaxing time away, sometimes its good to just get away and forget about everything for a while, get a new perspective on things.

I bet its relief you and your partner are still on good terms and I'm sure with time, you will sort everything out which ever way it may fall, separating is never easy but life will go on.

I totally agree with you when you say about having a "physical problem" is so much easier to resolve than a "mental" one, as we can "hide our mental problems" and carry on to some degree, but still carry that pain and anguish inside, we put on a happy face to the world as that is what is expected of us in society and in our work places, but our hearts ache for some resolution.

I to, felt a sense of companionship and a common bond with people on this site, I have found it quite therapeutic writing posts here, as we are all in the same "boat", and we understand , a little human kindness goes a long way.

We all have good and bad days, so don't be discouraged, healing takes time so give yourself the same love that you give to your precious dogs.

All the best

July

Mid life crisis and depression as well!

Doolhof — Fri, 17 Apr 2015 23:28:24 GMT

Dear Wagner,

Thank you for your wonderfully honest post. This last week I have been struggling with finding some kind of balance in my life thanks to my mental health issues. I have thought about tossing in my job, leaving my volunteer work, running away and a host of other unhelpful thoughts!

The main thing is to realise that they are thoughts and feelings and to a certain degree I can do something about them without over reacting and really messing things up!

I don't know about you or others, but my depression can sometimes turn into a strong sense of frustration, which leads to anger. Not really a very good combination. Maybe I need to return to my Dr and let him know. These new tablets might not be doing the trick for me.

This is a wonderful place to receive help, other people's insight, support and encouragement. I too am very thankful that I have found Beyond Blue.

It is good to know you have been able to speak with your partner and that she has not cleaned out the house. You hear so many vengeful and horrible stories about when people split up.

Hopefully you will be okay when you return to work, it is great you have some strategies in place, that is always a great help.

Wishing you all the best and thanks again for sharing, it helps us all to know how others are doing, and that we are not the only ones suffering and recovering!

Cheers for now from Mrs. Dools

Mid life crisis and depression as well!

wagner — Tue, 21 Apr 2015 02:51:53 GMT

Hey guys, back online again and it has been a pretty rough couple of days. My partner is definately moving out this week and had a pretty horrible day organising the finances at the bank. It was particuarly hard when the teller said we make a lovely couple. Part of the issue with my health is that my partner still has not spoken to me in any detail about what has happened to our relationship in the past 6 months. I know I have treated her badly but I think that she is still getting her head around what has happened to me and she cannot divorce herself from the well me and the sick me. I don't know if this has happened to anyone else. Part of me wants to make her talk about things but I know that this would make things worse. Has anyone else had a similar situation? Any ideas?

Thanks

Mid life crisis and depression as well!

Doolhof — Wed, 22 Apr 2015 08:40:54 GMT

Hi Wagner,

It must be tough going through the actions of sorting out finances and knowing your partner is moving out.

Maybe she doesn't know how to express how she has been feeling regarding your relationship over the last 6 months. If she is moving out, then maybe you will never know and may just need to accept that and try to move on.

Some people use the expression "It is best to leave sleeping dogs alone" so they don't snap at you. It is hard to know what is the best thing for you to do.

You wrote that part of you wants to make her talk about things. We can't really "make" any one do anything unless they want to.

Mid life crisis and depression as well!

wagner — Thu, 07 May 2015 07:21:14 GMT

Hi guys haven't been on this forum for a while as aspects of my life have spiralled out of control then righted itself, then spiralled. Had a rough three weeks to be honest. Co-habiting with someone who is going to leave you is tough and I can't believe that we didn't have a major fight. It was my birthday on Monday and that was without question the worst one in my life. I did manage to get to work though and struggled through the day. My girlfriend has finally moved out so I am sitting in a semi-vacant house with the dogs. At least they are still here. Hopefully I will start to feel more settled and have some structure to my life for a little while. To those others who are suffering with depression the way I have coped is that if you can find a gp or a health professional that you trust then see them. It does help. Don't be afraid to speak to family and friends . I have been amazed at the amount of support I have received from people who I thought didn't care.Hope this helps

Mid life crisis and depression as well!

Doolhof — Thu, 07 May 2015 23:06:08 GMT

Hi Wagner,

It is great to hear from you again. Wishing you a belated Birthday for Monday. Sorry to read you have been on such a tough roller coaster ride these last few weeks.

It is excellent you have a supportive and understanding Dr and hopefully a mental health team behind you to help out.

I find it is interesting how some family members and friends are so willing to listen and help you when they are aware of how you are feeling. Good on you for having the courage to speak up and let people know how you are travelling.

December last year I had a break down and was in hospital for two weeks. My nieces came to visit me and a girlfriend brought along her teenage daughters as well. I was a little embarrassed at first, then thought, it was good exposure for everyone to realise how I was not doing so well and depression is an illness like anything else.

I hope your support continues. Call out to people if you need more support or just someone to chat with.

That is the great thing about this forum, there is always someone here for you!

Thinking of you and hoping your journey has less pot holes in it this week!

Cheers for now from Mrs. Dools