topic When you prefer being alone in Depression

When you prefer being alone

Tammie84 — Sat, 26 Mar 2016 11:33:05 GMT

Hello! I suffer from depression and anxiety and feel so lonely. Up until recently I've realised that for a long long time I have preferred being by myself. I would rather be at home watching movies or meeting with a friend. I have no motivation to get out there. I had really bad anger outbursts with my family and I wouldn't talk to one of them if I felt that they hurt me. I would become angry when things trigger other things and would feel like no one cares or understands me. I would then feel guilty for putting my problems on them. I am a private person. I don't like people knowing things about me. I can remember being depressed from when I was maybe 10. It wasn't until I was about 19 that I remembered that I was molested as a child. I realised why I was always scared of intimacy, I told a boy that he can sleep with me but he can't touch me. I wonder if I will be alone forever.

When you prefer being alone

ctp365 — Sat, 26 Mar 2016 18:57:05 GMT

Hi Tammie. You're story is very sad. I too often like to be alone at home. I find that I feel safe and comfortable when I'm home alone. I work full time, so im out every day anyway, but it's always nice to be home. Social contact is important, and I get that through work and a few close friends.

Do you work, or get out much during the day? I sure everyone has times when they wonder if they are going to be alone forever. Are you getting any help and support from any professionals?

i hope you are enjoying the Easter break

Carmen

When you prefer being alone

White_Rose — Sat, 26 Mar 2016 21:40:51 GMT

Dear Tammie

Hello and welcome. You sound very sad, but I am pleased you found your way to Beyond Blue. Many people who write in here have similar stories to you. Explore the forum and feel free to join in any conversation. You will find people who are pleased to talk to you.

It's very common for an event to trigger an outburst of anger and it can be hard to not direct your anger at someone close at hand. And of course it's a short step to believing no one cares about you. Carmen has asked if you go to work and I am also interested in your answer. Being in the company of others is good for us even when we do not say a great deal.

I loved the times when my husband was at work and the children at school. I could settle down with a book and cuppa and really relax. Of course it was only for a short time because housework and cooking still had to be done, but how I enjoyed those breaks. It is easy to cut yourself off from others, especially if you feel you are not good enough or you are frightened you may get angry.

Have you talked to your GP about any of these feelings? I have found my GP is an excellent person to talk to. I have had a really bad time for the past four years and I believe it was the care and compassion of my GP that has got me here. Yes I take an antidepressant medication. And it really helps me to function well. I also see a psychologist. Do you talk to any one like this?

If not, do you have a close friend you can confide in? I know you said you do not like others to know about you and I can relate to this. Family and close friends are different. Your family has known you for a long time so can probably understand why you get angry and depressed. Does anyone know about you being abused. It is important that you talk to someone about this.

I suggest you write down how you feel just in short notes. Also talk about the abuse. Make an appointment to see your doctor and if you feel uncomfortable about talking you can show him/her your notes.

It is really miserable feeling alone so if you can pluck up the courage to chat with someone I think you will start to feel better. In the meantime, continue to write in here.

Mary

When you prefer being alone

Tammie84 — Sun, 27 Mar 2016 13:06:45 GMT

Thanks Carmen. Yes I work full time and I am taking antidepressants which have helped me feel less angry and calm me down.

i always say no when friends ask me to go out with them. I would rather be on my own but at the same time when I am I feel so lonely. I don't have any motivation to do things I love. I choose not to talk to a counsellor right now.

When you prefer being alone

Tammie84 — Sun, 27 Mar 2016 13:19:09 GMT

Thanks Mary.

I tend to keep myself isolated and although it's comfortable for me, I also feel like I am missing out on life. if I do go out I feel tired and think that I'm not good company.

I have moved away from people who I feel have hurt me and have not had a angry outburst since. I had a fight with my sibling who said that I was an attention seeker and that's how I knew that my family don't understand me or depression because that's the last thing I want.

i have chosen not to disclose my depression to my family anymore because they don't understand it. I have seen a counsellor about the abuse and I can't be 100% sure that I will be comfortable if a guy touches me.

You're right. It is miserable to feel alone. I hope things change for me soon

When you prefer being alone

White_Rose — Tue, 29 Mar 2016 22:13:05 GMT

Hello Tammie

Being with other people can be a problem at times. I have re-read the posts in this thread, and I cannot see that you go to a psychologist. Unless, of course, it's too early in the morning and my caffeine has not kicked in yet.

Try contacting one or two friends and make dates to go out with them. Just one at a time will be less difficult. As my daughter used to say to me, "Baby steps mom, baby steps."

Anger is a horrid thing to control so It's good you have moved away from people who trigger your anger. Unfortunately, unless you become a total recluse, you will probably meet others who get up your nose. It may be worthwhile talking to a psychologist about how to recognise when you are getting upset and what to do about it. I know I get really cranky at times and the words are out of my mouth before I realise it. Getting a bit better at biting my tongue. (Well not actually biting my tongue, it's too painful and may make me say even more than is polite.)

Ah, I just read you saw a counsellor about the abuse. Told you the caffeine had not kicked in.

Keep going with small steps. Look only at the next step, not the whole journey. This is so often our downfall, looking too far ahead and becoming overwhelmed with what appears too big to achieve. Instead creep up on it.

Mary

When you prefer being alone

romantic_thi3f — Wed, 30 Mar 2016 00:08:14 GMT

Hi Tammie84,

Welcome and thanks for reaching out.

I agree with what has already been said but just want to add to the conversation if I can.

I can totally understand with wanting to be alone. In fact, there is nothing wrong with being alone. I'm quite an introvert so I get a lot of enjoyment out of watching TV or curling up with a good book. I guess the problem starts when feeling alone turns into being lonely. This makes it a tricky situation if you're not feeling quite ready to say yes to things that are social.

I'm wondering if maybe you could start with a smaller step of being social that's not quite so anxiety provoking? For example, maybe you could chat with a friend online, text, or even just make a phone call for a few minutes. Then the next step might be about having a quick coffee while you are doing your groceries, or sharing a ride home from work. Or perhaps it might even be about leaving the house and just saying 'hi' to whoever you pass. Of course, this totally depends on where your anxiety is at and where you feel comfortable.

It's also okay if you're not ready to see a counsellor yet; is there anything we can do to help? There are often online counselling sessions or programs that include a phone call; this might be a less intimidating way to go about getting some help if you're interested.

Hope this helps

When you prefer being alone

topsy_ — Thu, 31 Mar 2016 11:22:59 GMT

Hi Tammie

I like to be on my own too. I'm married & I have one close girlfriend who lives 3/4 hour away. We talk on the phone most days. I don't work however. I'm not lonely as such but it strikes me that it would be smarter to branch out & meet some new people. I think of different places I could volunteer or groups I could join but I always find a reason not to go. I realise I could regret this one day. It does make me question the value of living but right now I can only do what I can do.

I have found that the black cloud of depression comes & goes. Sometimes it stays a short time while others it's a longer time & life is tough. Does your depression ebb & flow like this? I usually need to have someone remind me it will go away.

I see my GP when I really get myself all tied up in knots in my mind. Just talking - hearing the words said out loud seems to rob them of the power they had while they were whizzing around in my head. Maybe you could see if that works for you? Different things work for different people though.

It's awful when we are really suffering with depression. I hope that things improve for you soon & you enjoy things more. You've certainly earnt respite & to enjoy some pleasure in your life.

I have found even writing here has been so helpful to me. Good luck Tammie.

Kind regards, Lyn.

When you prefer being alone

CMF — Thu, 31 Mar 2016 11:52:20 GMT

Hi,

I went through a period o depression/anxiety about a year and a half ago. like you I didn't want to leave the house, or socialise or talk to my family about how I was feeling. I also have angry outbursts. I reached a point where I felt I needed to get out and walk. walk to feel better, walk to clear my mind, just walk (I used to walk a lot but have become a little lazy). I decided one day to put my little girl in her pram and walk to a new local coffee shop I had discovered. I went in and ordered my drink then sat outside. I also lost confidence because of how I was feeling and felt awkward, embarrassed and did not want to be around anyone. the next day I did the same thing, and the next and the next. the guy who works there was lovely and even brought a muffin out to me one day - on the house. as the weather turned colder I decided to be brave and sit inside. still on mu own ,with my little one in her pram. this little café became my saviour, something to look forward to everyday, my depression started to lift (I have other threads re this) I got to know the staff quite well. its now been a year and a half and I still go to my little café everyday. I know all the staff and owner by name, I walk in and I feel like I'm visiting friends. my daughter has grown and looks forward to going and having her babycino. they giver her so much attention and really make an effort with her. I have met some other regulars and we sit at the communal table and chat if we want or read newpapers or do our own thing. I too do not like socialising much and prefer to be on my own. after a bad relationship I too do not think I could be with anyone again. ive become confident, found myself a little, I have something to look forward too and I can be around people without having to socialise and don't feel so alone.

baby steps is what I'm talking about here. maybe venture out slowly, don't push your self too much. youll slowly start to feel a little better and not so alone.

I still love being on my own,not interested in socialising but I don't feel lonely as much because I have that outlet.

Hope this helps...baby steps.

When you prefer being alone

White_Rose — Thu, 31 Mar 2016 21:41:11 GMT

Hello CMF

What an inspiring post. And how rewarding it has been. The reality is we don't need to be talking all day to hordes of people. What you have found is a safe and pleasant place to spend a short time each day. I am so pleased for you (and bit jealous). Being accepted as you are is great for confidence building.

Separation is a hard thing to go through, but you are making the right moves. How is your depression going? I imagine you feel heaps better these days. It really is the small things in life that we live for and make our days bright.

Mary

When you prefer being alone

White_Rose — Thu, 31 Mar 2016 21:57:29 GMT

Dear Lyn

I can relate to depression coming and going. I find it frustrating when I feel good and then suddenly it's all gone again. It would be nice to think that our good times are going to last and we have seen the last of the black dog. Well, if we can at least bring it to heel and make it walk gently beside us we can feel safe and comfortable. That's been my aim for a little while. Not to continually fight but look at how I am training the dog. Maybe, instead of visiting a psychologist we could go to a dog obedience school and learn a few tricks for teaching our own dog?

Now there's a thought. I suspect the methods would not be much different. It is after all a variation on behaviour modification techniques.

Making the decision to join a group of some sort is quite hard. I understand why you keep finding reasons not to go. Instead of trying to make this huge leap why not try smaller things. I am impressed with Can't move forward post above. Perhaps you could try a variation of this. Walk somewhere that has an interest for you. For example, you may enjoy watching the sea (if you live near the coast) or a particular area that is quiet and restful. Sitting outside a cafe and watching the world go by is lovely occupation.

I would suggest going to the local park and seeing the children play on the equipment, and this is nice. Children are so intent on their games and so open, it's a delight to see them. Unfortunately, this can be dodgy in this distrustful climate. But it's a thought.

Mary

When you prefer being alone

White_Rose — Thu, 31 Mar 2016 22:11:28 GMT

Dear Tammie

You have had a couple more replies from people who know how you feel. CMF has found a terrific way to have small interactions with other people. As I have written to Lyn, perhaps this is a good way to start having contact with others. Can you try this?

Try to keep focused on positive events rather than what may happen. I appreciate how uncomfortable you may feel at the prospect of being touched. Instead think of the ordinary events of your life and possibly plan to go out for a walk or similar.

Yes, my depression comes and goes at when it decides. I find what I eat makes a different to my mood. How does that feel to you? Eating bread, which love when it's fresh, can make me feel uncomfortable and leads on to being grumpy. Sugar is also a problem. We get the sugar provides then when it goes get a craving for more. I have tried to eliminate all sugar from my diet and I am feeling much better. Not only that, but I have a few kilos. Even better. Now I don't snack between meals, which I find people do when they are sad. It truly is a comfort food, but not when the effect goes and we feel worse.

Take care

Mary

When you prefer being alone

CMF — Thu, 31 Mar 2016 22:26:45 GMT

Hi Tammie, Mary

Mary-thank you so much for your beautiful words. My depression is better, up and down depending on circumstances but mostly good..

Tammie, Mary is spot on about diet and what we eat did you know beans (especially broad beans) cantaloupe, oranges contain a natural sugar that helps with anxiety/depression? Include more of less if you can. Definitely cut out or reduce sugar and caffeine I've done and have no desire to go back to it. if you need a sweetener use stevia, natural and harmless.

As far as relationships, take your time. I cannot begin to imagine what it was like for you to discover this. There is no pressure on you. Perhaps if you take small steps in getting out and slowly start to be comfortable being around people, you will feel you can trust a little more. In time, when the right one comes along, they will be understanding and caring, just as you deserve.

hope you are feeling better and have a great day/weekend hope to hear back from you.

cmf

When you prefer being alone

CMF — Fri, 01 Apr 2016 00:23:47 GMT

I forgot to mention. Have your vitamin D and iron levels checked. They do play an important part in your wellbeing. If you're not out and about much your vitamin D may be low.

All tbe best

cmf

When you prefer being alone

topsy_ — Fri, 01 Apr 2016 03:18:32 GMT

Hello again Tammie, Mary & CMF

Its been great reading your replies. I am so impressed with what you have achieved CMF & how you've done it. Well done & hearty congratulations.

I don't do anything physical at all. I've read & listened to all the advice about how good walking is good for our mood but I still haven't done it. In lots of ways I feel stupid because what stops me, besides laziness, happened when I was a child & I turn 60 this year for goodness sake!!!! I not only stay inside most of the time but when the black dog is in attendance I spend nearly all my time in my (safe) lounge chair.

Sorry, I'm going to stop right now. I will be back, I just need a break.

Take care, Lyn.

When you prefer being alone

CMF — Fri, 01 Apr 2016 05:41:23 GMT

Thanks Lyn,

the first step is always the hardest. It's a slow process, but well worth it

cmf