topic Here I go again in Depression

Here I go again

Hopefullseeking — Thu, 01 Oct 2015 00:14:47 GMT

I am so tired of the roller coaster that is depression and I am sure I am not alone in this.

I have been working off and on with a psychiatrist for 20+ and at the begining of the year I agreed to work with a psychologist as well. My shrink and i felt I was stuck and no matter what we did nothing would shift it.

So I have been seeing this psychologist every fortnight and touching base with my shrink every other fortinght. We all felt I was making progress with the different apporach that the psychologist has taken. I spent 10 days last month interstate staying with a cousin and had a terrific time came back about a week ago and have sunk to new lows.

Why what went wrong.

My shrink said people often are down after a holiday but I am more than down, back to old thought patterns, feel teary and lost. Dissappointed that I have gone back down agian. Yes I have a lot on my plate but that doesn't explain it. I had a lot on my plate before when I was feeling better.

Does it ever end. The psychologist says the depression will be with me for life and I just have to learn to manage it. That doesn't make me feel very hopefull for a better frame of mind either.

Here I go again

A_Tech — Thu, 01 Oct 2015 00:48:13 GMT

Hi A,

Honestly I'm not surprised to see this post. I was concerned at the tone of your last post in our other place, not that you said anything exactly, but that's the point I guess.

I have also suffered depression on and off since I was a teenager, but you sound like your in a pretty bad place at the moment. I wish I could do something for you, I want to just give a huge hug and let you cry!

I saw my psychologist yesterday and she put it perfectly. 'A mother absorbs all the pain that others refuse to show when it comes to her child'. So when we hold it all together for everyone else for so long just to get through, when the worst part, or danger moment is over, we completely collapse! A total heap.

I had been telling her about how when I heard the final news, it was just like a TV movie, I let out one of those blood curdling screams and collapsed into my husband. I never thought I was capable of that, and yet I did it. I still hear it every day in my head and it was a month ago.

I force myself to be and act happy on the outside, as a front, but a huge part of it is fake!! I know we have each other here, online, but it still just feels so alone sometimes doesn't it? I wish we (the few of us from other place) could actually meet up one day, because besides us there is just nothing out there as far as support.

I'm in Perth, so I feel even more isolated from anything and everyone! Are we allowed to exchange personal emails?? I would like to keep talking to you, but don't know how much to say here.

Please take care, I'm glad your seeing both doctors and then there is always us too 🙂

Donna xx

Here I go again

Chris_B — Thu, 01 Oct 2015 01:00:09 GMT

A Tech said:
Are we allowed to exchange personal emails??

Hi Donna, sorry but we don't allow for personal details to be exchanged. This is an anonymous forum, and the rule is there to protect the privacy and safety of all our members.

Our support service should be able to provide you with some contacts for offline, face-to-face support in your area.

Here I go again

A_Tech — Fri, 02 Oct 2015 07:41:14 GMT

Thanks Chris, that's why I made sure I asked so you guys could see it and let me know.

Cheers

Here I go again

Hopefullseeking — Fri, 02 Oct 2015 22:54:31 GMT

Hi Donna,

It is a shame that we can't share email address but I understand the reasons why to. If it wasn't for the anonymity many wouldn't be here.

We are many miles away from each other, I live in Brisbane.

I have had depression all my life but at times it is far worse than others. This bout that has been set off by my sons troubles has been the worst and many times I thought I wouldn't make it. I am a lot better than I was but I guess having that break and coming home to an empty house and no word from my son set me cascading down again.

I have also been in terrible pain, I have osteoarthritis throughout my body and with all the walking and stuff I did on holidays my arthritis took a battering.

I force myself to put on Fake Face as I call it all the time, I find it easier when people are around and then when I get home I often fall in a bit of a heap. The psychologist I have been seeing has come up with some wonderful strategies that have really helped, my brother has paid for her visits as I couldn't afford it but I don't think he will continue after the end of this year and I don't want to ask him agian. I think my shrink would like me to continue but can't afford it.

Yes that alone feeling is terrible, none knows what we and others on the other forum go through and you can't describe it to some either.

Thank you Donna for your support, it does ease the burden abit.

Here I go again

July — Sat, 03 Oct 2015 02:02:25 GMT

Hi A,

I'm sorry to read of your depression not giving you a break, we all here, have that same 'monkey on our backs' and as we know some days are good..... other days we want to run away and hide.

My counsellor told me to try and avoid "stressful situations" pretty hard in my life ...as you know, and I find I cant confront the people who are causing me stress at work so I just retreat, so its hard to avoid that situation, if I could quit I would, but I need another job first ...not that easy.

I know what you mean when you say to put on that "fake face", and I wish some days, I could just feel genuine happiness without that feeling in my heart reminding me that all is not well, but I just put one foot in front of the other and just get through one day at a time, I think not looking to far forward helps, like not thinking "what if this happens" or "that happens".

Try to think of all the other beautiful things in life to enjoy.... a sunset, children playing, we are blessed to live in this country , there are a lot a positives we just need to put our energy in to that , you are a very strong person to get through what you have been through...have no doubt about that.

You are not alone in this, I believe in you, do what you need to do to keep moving forward and you are in our thoughts always, take care.

July

Here I go again

July — Sat, 03 Oct 2015 02:16:14 GMT

Hi Donna,

My heart just skipped a beat....I'm in perth to , I guess this world is a small place, I have lived here all my life, I thought I was all alone here to in regards to our situation... wow!

Not sure where to go from here hey, we are for sure in the same boat , hope you are well ,talk soon.

July

Here I go again

July — Sat, 03 Oct 2015 02:19:41 GMT

Hi A,

That post below yours that I wrote to A tech was meant for you sorry, my eyesight is getting a bit dodgy lol.

Take care

July

Here I go again

A_Tech — Sat, 03 Oct 2015 03:33:58 GMT

Hi July,

Well it's likely we both worked at the same hospital then? As an anaesthetic tech we were regularly in the ED with the anaesthetist to assess patients, help with emergency intubations, and transport up to theatre. I bet we even spoke to each other! From some of my other posts it's probably obvious I was at RPH, my sister in law is at Charlies, also a tech, and I briefly started at Freo just before I finally had to quit.

Wow, when you first said what you did for a job I had this feeling that you might be here. Strange hey?

Have you returned to work yet? FINALLY after 9months my salary insurance has come through, that was part of my super, but only gives me 2yrs. They've back paid the 9mnths, so I've got just over a year to figure out what I want to do. I would love to go back, it was such a passion for me, but right now I'm so scared because thats what caused the PTSD. If I do go back, it'll be Freo. They were amazing to me in such a short time. I was fortunate that the manager there had dealt with a staff member previously with PTSD and se helped them successfully return. She also told me she'd have me back any time I want. That made a huge difference.

Anyway, talk soon. Still shocked!!! xx

Here I go again

A_Tech — Sat, 03 Oct 2015 03:47:31 GMT

Hi A,

I agree with the email situation too. I do understand, it's just a shame in our case. There really are only the few of us that understand this situation. You and July have meant so much to me over this last year, just getting through.

I know what you mean about the reality hitting you again after a break. We had a weekend away just before sentencing to try to unwind and relax. And it did help without a doubt. But as soon as we got home, the next day was court, the media were all over us and sent me into a full blown panic attack in the middle of the city.

I actually made a complaint and was quite surprised to receive a letter acknowledging the event and apologising for the situation it caused me!

We will always be here for you, because the situation for all of us will never go away. We will always need support, I hope that we all continue to do that, even when things get better.

I know it's not much, but I agree that it does help a bit 🙂

xxxx

Here I go again

Hopefullseeking — Sat, 03 Oct 2015 05:36:53 GMT

Hi Donna and July

Funny how you are both living in the same place, you could easily know each other and be on friendly terms but not realize who each other is. Its a small world isn't it. I hope that one day you realise who each other is just by chance, it would help you both so much.

I have been feeling a little better the last couple of days, I am visiting my mum down on the Gold Coast this weekend and I always keep things to myself, she doesn't understand.

Its so hard keeping it to your self all the time. Both my shrink and psychologist can empathize but they don't know how I am feeling. I now say to my shrink I have those thoughts again and I don't have to elaborate but I don't want them either.

It's depressing in itself to feel this way and know that it will never go away completely. I take two types of antidepressants and I suppose they keep me stable but hate taking them. I often ask myself why do my closest friends bother with me then I remind myself I am a good friend, loyal, caring, don't gossip, etc. It is good I can find my good points, once upon a time I couldn't.

I too want to know what it is like to be happy and not feel happy but wait for the drop in mood.

My child who I love with all of myself can also bring out the most pain, doesn't seem fair does it.

Depression, it sucks big time and I wish I could shake it, I so badly wish this. Yes I have supportive friends and you guys are here too but it is still there and won't go away. The last week I have been teary for no apparent reason and that is disappointing, thought that had passed.

Anyway I think of you both all the time and am so greatful for your support.

Thanks

xxxxxx

Here I go again

saturnzoon — Sat, 03 Oct 2015 08:55:01 GMT

I understand where you are coming from and how you feel, I have had lows and highs for as long as I can remembe, my family live interstate and when I visit them I have a good time but on the plane home the worries start straight away knowing what I'm going back to, I use to see a councillor but have used all my free sessions up and have to wait till next year.

My physiatrist says it will never go away and just have to learn to cope by taking one day at a time which I do but theres no way you can stop thinking about it when its always around you, its really hard when you get very low and have no friends or family to talk to.

Today is really hard as a family member had a heart a take in the early hours of this morning and never made it, that just made all these other thoughts come up and you get lost at how to get through it, especially when the other family members hate you so you can't go and left to deal with it on your own. The psychiatrist said I just have to try not let my kids problems affect me so much I told him that's impossible and he said that's why it will never get better, I feel blessed that I found this sight cause at least even though I don't know people personally i know that they understand us and don't judge us as where all going through similar things and give encouragement when we can.

So yes my rollercoaster will never end but can slow it down sometimes.

Here I go again

July — Mon, 05 Oct 2015 06:10:33 GMT

Hi Donna,

Hope you are good, yeah so weird we are so close ...yet so far, I don't work at RPH, I work a another large hospital north of the river, I am sure you can work it out, I've been there for 6.5 years in the emergency dept, I'm back at work after my time off, it helped , but that so called "friend"that betrayed me is still working there along with the other girl who started all the trouble (who got a written warning for it) so it does make it uncomfortable when I see them , but I don't have to work on a shift with either of them, I just try to avoid them as best as I can.

It does help to have an understanding boss, mine has been ok, but I think when you have depression and anxiety , some people just expect you to "snap" out of it ....and it doesn't work like that, I had two major events happening in my life and it really threw me into a tail spin, you can't just switch off.

I 'm glad you got your insurance sorted out , don't rush back to work, you need time for you and your family and at the end of the day.....family is more important than anything .

Do you live north or south of the river? I am north about 40 minutes from the city centre, Perth is a beautiful place, I went to Sydney for the first time in my life, last year! I loved it, I 'm a bit scared of flying but I made it, we are hoping to go to Melbourne next year for a holiday ,I've never been there but it looks great.

Take care ,catch up soon.

July

Here I go again

July — Mon, 05 Oct 2015 06:33:49 GMT

Hi Anne,

Its true what you said about no one "really" knowing how we feel about our situations, but I guess thats the same as others with difficult problems, and I am like you ,I keep a lot of things to myself , I have no family support so I have learnt I can only rely on myself.

Having a good cry is healthy, it is good to let out all those emotions, being a mother is a hard job...we don't get a manual on what to say , what to do , how to react when something happens, we want the best for our children and when things don't work out we crumble...blaming ourselves, because we should have "known better" but how can we , its all trial and error.

Our children cause us pain because we love them unconditionally , we want them to have better than us and no matter what age our kids are....they are our babies always.

We shouldn't doubt ourselves, life takes many unpredictable turns and to do the best you can.....well that is all you can do, we as mums tend to put everyone ahead of ourselves, but sometimes you have to stop and say what about me?, that is not selfish.

I hope you have a relaxing weekend away, try to unwind and care for yourself ....you are important to yourself...and your kids.

Take care

July

Here I go again

A_Tech — Wed, 07 Oct 2015 01:41:36 GMT

Hi July,

Yeah Im pretty sure which large hospital your talking about. I did a brief stint there about 5 yrs ago in theatre but ended up back at the other, stupid now that I look back, I should have stayed. It's also where my sister in law now works. She got into being a tech because of the passion I had for it. I think she's been there about 4 yrs now.

I love flying, not the long bit in the middle because it gets so boring, but because I know the destination!! We've had a few overseas trips, all long haul usually to the US, I have a fascination with the States!

It's keeping me going at the moment which is definitely good, we'll see how reality hits when we get back. 6 days left and counting, my god I need this!!!!

I'll talk to you all before then anyway.

Be safe xxxx

Here I go again

July — Wed, 07 Oct 2015 03:48:37 GMT

Hi Donna,

Just wanted to say have a good trip and relax ...god knows you need it.

I lived in the states for a couple of years , just outside of Boston, Massachusetts, as my first husband was an american sailor that I had met here in Perth, I actually got married over there, and he is the father of my three oldest kids, we were only 18 and 19 when we met.....holiday romance that lead to my oldest son, my parents were not impressed but we married and had two more children, that relationship lasted 15 years, I instigated the separation, I guess I married thinking we were young it will all work out, but kids don't keep you together and I grew and changed, he has now gone back to the states and has no contact with my eldest son and youngest daughter ,sad but thats his decision.

I have been with my 2nd husband for 18 years and have an 11 year old son together so life has a way of working things out, we all have a story, but time goes by so fast, you have to enjoy what you have ,despite all the painful things that happen in life .

So take care and talk soon.

July

Here I go again

Hopefullseeking — Wed, 07 Oct 2015 22:29:35 GMT

Morning ladies,

Hope you are doing Ok.

I am struggling but at least I have a good psychologist who understands what is going on for me which is a great comfort.

I stopped in today to wish you a wonderful holiday Donna, enjoy every relaxing moment of it, you not only need this break you deserve it, so much.

I no longer have a computer that works so I am using a computer at my volunteer job so can't just pop in anytime unfortunately. I can read your posts on my phone but for some unknown reason it won't let me post.

Thinking of you both all the time.

Look after yourselves.

Here I go again

July — Thu, 08 Oct 2015 06:59:01 GMT

Hi anne,

Sorry that you are struggling at the moment, but as you know ,we have made it this far so keep going, its great to have someone to confide in , to discuss your greatest hopes and fears, everyone has different issues and some worse than others, but your star will shine again, just have faith in that you are a wonderful caring person doing the best you can under the circumstances.

This world can be a crazy place..... but there is also many wonderful things to enjoy, sometimes they just get buried underneath all the problems in our lives, so dig deep enough and you will find it again and that treasure will still be there.

Hope you have a good week, take care, and remember we are here for you.

July

Here I go again

A_Tech — Sun, 11 Oct 2015 00:01:06 GMT

Hi Anne,

Thank you so much for thinking of me, that's so sweet.

I honestly don't know how I would've gotten through the last year without you and July, I just wanted you both to know that.

We've still got a couple of days before we leave, Wednesday morning. I'm really hoping that's it's going to give me what I need, the inner peace you know. I have no doubt we'll have an amazing time because we've been there before, but this time is very different. I didn't have all the emotional baggage last time.

BUT, I know I certainly plan to make the most of just spending some quality time with my husband, who has been the most wonderful partner I could ever have dreamt of, not to mention my best friend!

He's been by my side through so much over the last 20 years, I had pretty severe post natal depression after our son was born (he's 19 now), but hubby has never wavered. My rock!!! My one and only.

Sorry about the gushy bit, they say things either make or break you and relationships. Although at times it's nearly broken me, our relationship have definitely only ever become stronger! I will always be grateful to him for that unconditional love and support.

I will most definitely let you know when we get back though and thank you again for thinking about me.

Take it easy xx

Here I go again

Hopefullseeking — Mon, 19 Oct 2015 00:25:24 GMT

Its been a few weeks since I got back from holidays and I'm still struggling, can't seem to lift myself out of this low period.

My psychologist says it is understandable with all that has happened in my life but that doesn't help. My psychiatrist and psychologist think that the fact I have chronic pain is not helping, maybe not but I have had that a long time.

To me, I don't want to know the reasons I just want to feel better and be able to get on with my life without fighting every day and putting on that fake persona that at some stage we all do.

Before my holiday I thought things were improving, maybe it was just that I was excited about a holiday with my cousin.

I have always had answers to how I am feeling, always know the triggers but this time I am at a loss as to why I have gone down and can't get out of it.

The fight goes on.