topic Spontaneous Emotional Combustion in Depression

Spontaneous Emotional Combustion

Girl_Anachronism — Fri, 03 Apr 2015 06:37:25 GMT

I hadn't posted in a month or so but I am not going well so here I am. I am alive but most definitely not well. Since it has been a while, I'll try put everything that has happened in a short a description as possible.

I am off crutches but still in a knee brace from the post surgical fall i had a month ago.
I have been suffering fatigue and other symptoms which i am not sure of the cause of but it has been going on for three weeks now. I have had an MRI and am waiting for the results.I am hoping they find something but i am terrified if what that something could be. I have a doctors appointment Sunday.
My partner has a dislocated shoulder with little sign of recovery. They are investigating surgery. It is severely impacting her mental health and she has had to defer uni.
I am 4 weeks behind in uni. I have been to five lectures, out of a possible 30. I have not studied at all at home due to all of the factors above, hospital visits to my girlfriend, driving to the ed with her at the wee hours of the morning. I need to do three units to get paid, but I am worried that i won't be able to catch up. Failing could be the trigger for another year long breakdown.
My relationship with my partner is strong, but she has her own problems and we are working out how to care for each other and ourselves. We recently moved from a share house with far too many boys and a passive aggressive landlady to a homes west unit of our own. I am writing surrounded by furniture and boxes. This accommodation is more stable and long term, plus far more private which is what we both need.
A close family friend passed on the 13th. Her death has affected my sister most greatly, but I miss her too. I was unable to attend the funeral because I was too sick to go. I will pay my respects another day. Her death was sudden and unexpected and everyone is sill a little shell shocked.
Some mornings I wake up and instead of not being able to get out of bed because of physical illness, i can't motivate myself to move. I feel depression licking at my heels, slowly sucking me further under. Having been there before I can recognise it, but don't know how to fight it.

i am in a bad head space. I know that. I have booked respite for a week, starting Sunday. i feel like I am abandoning my partner just after we moved in but i am stressing so much that I need the break. I need help.

Spontaneous Emotional Combustion

Pixie15 — Fri, 03 Apr 2015 23:55:46 GMT

Hi GA,

Welcome back to the forums. I have noticed your presence but I am not sure if I have responded to you before. It sounds like both you and your girlfriend have suffered a terrible run of stressful events.

What supports do you generally have apart from here on the forum? Do you have family or friends? If your girlfriend will find it difficult staying by herself is there someone who could move in to keep her company while you are at respite?

Your university situation sounds a bit difficult to address. Have you thought of doing the same as your girlfriend and deferring at least some of your subjects. It would be a good idea to speak to the disability support people at your university to assess your situation. If you continue on and cannot catch up with the work you will still have to pay for the subject one day.

There is a site called "The Desk" which beyondblue cooperated in developing which has some tools and advice which can help you to think through your situation. You will find a link to it in the resources for schools and universities.

It is good that your doctor is available to see you on Easter Sunday.

thanks,

Christine.

Spontaneous Emotional Combustion

white knight — Sat, 04 Apr 2015 00:51:37 GMT

Hi GA, welcome back

Is there any Lions or Rotary clubs in your area. Or Council home help? A couple of workers in your home to get it all sorted would not only stop you looking at boxes but pick you up mentally.

I think you have been doing a great job, and your GF, in managing so well. Plug away. You have plummeted but that cycle will turn around.

Great to hear from you again. Take care and dont feel bad. You are doing ok

Tony WK

Spontaneous Emotional Combustion

Girl_Anachronism — Sat, 04 Apr 2015 05:53:23 GMT

Hi Christine,

If i defer a uni I lose my austudy payment and have to go back to looking for work, or in my case giving in medical certificates because i can't work. I would also have pay back the bulk payment i received two weeks ago as a student. If i withdrawal after the next two weeks, i don't have to pay it back. It is all gone on moving costs, so I don't even have the benefit of money in the bank.

I will try contact the equity team at uni on Tuesday. I don't think there are any other options but maybe they know something i don't.

As for other supports i have a psychologist and an OT I see weekly. I see my psychiatrist monthly. I also have a social worker who i see weekly and can text during office hours. It sounds like a lot but it just doesn't feel like it makes things any better. It feels like i whinge all the time. My family are a hindrance not a help, and i don't have any friends who are stable enough.

Spontaneous Emotional Combustion

Girl_Anachronism — Sat, 04 Apr 2015 06:02:15 GMT

Hello again WK,

It is good to see you still around on here. My gf sorted out most of the boxes after i collapsed in bed and slept for eight hours. My gp said he MRI was fine, nothing out of the ordinary. But he didn't give me a plan for the way forward. I was half fainting so i didn't ask, and he gave me an injection to help. So i still don't know what is wrong. i hate the uncertainty, i hate it.

I am starting to get the shaky feeling of my seizures again, so I really hope that doesn't come to fruition.

After fighting to keep afloat i feel like i was just drifting and now i am getting sucked under again.

Spontaneous Emotional Combustion

Neil_1 — Mon, 06 Apr 2015 23:42:40 GMT

Hi there GA

Thanx for providing your latest update and it sure does sound like things are starting to really bear down on you. This upcoming respite that you’ve got booked, sounds like it’s very much needed for you. Hey, and don’t think of you abandoning your partner at this time – I have no doubt that she will understand totally and it’s not as though the shoe hasn’t been on the other foot, where she’s been in hospital and you’ve been there to visit her as well.

AND she’ll have the kitty cats to look after AND to keep her company anyway. 🙂

Kind regards

Neil

Spontaneous Emotional Combustion

Girl_Anachronism — Sun, 12 Apr 2015 08:20:25 GMT

Hi Neil,

It's been too long. I am in respite now, have been since last Sunday and am staying until Tuesday. I am trying to work on DBT skills in here with the nurses. I have done a little study but not much. I have seen my counterpart at the equity office at uni and she has updated my file with everything that has gone on. She updated my plan and sent an email to my lecturers. I have medical certificates for all of the above. I still have to email them, in order, to explain exactly where i am and what i need further extensions on. i know i have to do it, but i can't face that right now. I don't want to know just how screwed i am in one subject.

My head space is so up and down. I teal a little bit of cal and then one morning i will just wake up and my head will be in the deepest pit it can find. That is what today has been like. Bad urges are so strong, it was all i could do to not do silly things before one of the nurses came to pick me up. I miss all three of my cats, and my partner but i know i am not safe there right now. I don't know if i can be. but if i am going to be safe anywhere, there would be it. I just need to open he pressure valve a little here in respite and let some grievances have the time on the podium.

It doesn't help that there was a convention this weekend i would loved to have gone to. I didn't have the money or mental strength, but seeing the pictures of the event reminded me i lost not just my marriage but all of the connections to the community there. All of my friends and students. Maybe that is what is bugging me today.

I don't know. I am just trying desperately to survive this, when part of me really doesn't want to.

Spontaneous Emotional Combustion

Neil_1 — Tue, 14 Apr 2015 00:58:18 GMT

Hi GA

Wow, so much going on for you – and it’s bubbling away – it sure seems that way from how you’ve described it all. And you are very correct, in that you need to be able to find the release button on the pressure cooker that is building up. I think you WILL find it where you are; the respite care is the place for you right now and I’m pleased that you’ve been able to be there for a while.

But also you KNOW that your home is there for you – with your partner and your cats as well. So feel comfortable in knowing that.

You ARE trying to survive this and yes, you WILL survive this. You’ll get through this dark and low place that you’re currently in. You’ve got a lot of mechanisms put in place for assisting you and you know by now that you can reach out and use these to help you. That is brilliant that you’ve got medical certificates to cover yourself.

Keep coming back here as often as you need.

Your friend

Neil

Spontaneous Emotional Combustion

Girl_Anachronism — Tue, 14 Apr 2015 13:21:21 GMT

I am home now

The new kitten is so adorable and so sweet though she can be so cheeky sometimes. I feel mostly stable but it is a fragile state, like there are waves beneath the surface. Maybe it is just hangover from my psych session today. We talked about some things i haven't in a long time. Hard things.

Now i feel exhausted and want to go to bed, have since 7pm. I have my OT tomorrow, and my social worker. I hope to get to a lecture but it will depend on timing and mood. My partner is struggling and i don't know how to help her. I don't know what else i can say. If there is anything I can do or say. You think I'd be an expert but i just don't know what else i can do.

My head is too fragile to hope. I have received positive replies regarding my situation from two of my lecturers, including the one i thought i might have to give up. I am giving myself three weeks to catch up. if haven't by then its withdrawal time. I also have booked myself into respite in three weeks as it will be my study break.

So less emotional combustion, more the slow burn of depression dragging me down this week. I don't even know what i am asking for here. Just sending a message in a bottle, I guess and seeing what comes back.

GA

Spontaneous Emotional Combustion

Neil_1 — Wed, 15 Apr 2015 02:44:25 GMT

Hi there GA

Great to hear back from you.

I can fully understand you feeling exhausted and to have that disturbing feeling lurking just under the surface – and I have no doubt that was caused by your psych session, where they dig deep to bring out issues – to get them out of their sealed boxes and to confront and discuss them – all with the aim of being able to deal with them, whenever they surface again. Instead of leaving them ‘untouched’ in the mind only to be totally freaked out by them when they find their way to the surface.

Well, that’s my understanding of my psych sessions and how it all works. I think it’s a positive way to approach things.

Speaking of positives, you’ve had your psych session, you’ve got an OT session and your social worker – all brilliant things happening there – all for you.

Just gotta face these with as much positiveness as you can muster and walk with your head held high, no slouching of back or shoulders.

Great to read that your lecturers are on board with things for you and giving you positives in that area also.

You’ve got your new little kitten who will be an ongoing source of love, enjoyment, occupation of you and even merriment with some of the antics that she will no doubt get up too.

With regard to your partner – I think just you being there (and there for each other) can be as powerful as any words said.

Keep on posting and unloading if you need; we’re always here.

Kind regards

Neil

Spontaneous Emotional Combustion

Girl_Anachronism — Wed, 15 Apr 2015 11:49:30 GMT

Hi Neil,

I did see my OT and Social Worker today. My OT is going to see me in a fortnight, when my psych is on holiday for two weeks. I am seeing my social worker next week. I have texted her but can't talk until office hours.

My partner is in bed, has been all day. I don't know how to help her. She has been smoking inside the house, when I am not here which is against our rules. I know it is her stress relief but i am not saying for her not to, just take two steps outside.

The thing is with her head space what it is, I am afraid to bring it up. I don't know what to do.

I am also struggling with my own urges and my motivation to study. I went to a physics lecture for the first time today and was going OK. When he asked for us to do a brief group exercise I freaked out and left before i went into an anxiety attack. That was with medication. I am going down to the hospital tomorrow to see if I can get something stronger until I see my psychiatrist at the end of the month.

It doesn't help my ex has been nasty about me not finishing my end of the paperwork for the divorce. We can't even submit it until May. I think he is just being childish because this in the end. We don't need to talk after this. I can finally leave him behind. I didn't need his immaturity right now.

So yeah, different days, different problems

Spontaneous Emotional Combustion

Girl_Anachronism — Mon, 20 Apr 2015 15:26:10 GMT

Hi to all who are still listening,

So it's been a coupe of days. I had a mini meltdown to the end of last week. I freaked out in a lecture when asked to do group exercises. I got the wrong time for a lecture and then was wondering around, with no money to spare. There were books I wanted, but most of all I wanted to have something because I was feeling so bad.

So I stole a scarf from a market stall. Or tried to. The lady running it followed me and asked for it back and I gave it to her. Then I freaked out and found a quiet piece of grass to freak out on. I called my psych and spoke to him. The next day I went to get extra anxiety meds from the local hospital after doing my budget which i was short 200 for bills i need to pay. Then I had a meltdown. My partner was there and I couldn't support her in her crisis, for one of my own.

We've talked it out and worked out how to live for another fortnight. I can't drive my car because i can't afford the rego or petrol or insurance. I haven't caught up on study and the maths assignments i had an extension for are over due. I asked for longer but I feel terrible for wasting my maths lecturers time,

On the upside my ex has asked me to do the paperwork solo as he can't handle ending the marriage. He won't oppose it but just can't do the paperwork himself, emotionally. I shouldn't feel like it is a win, but I do. Understand I am ending it and filing the paperwork without these difficulties. I just feel weird that I don't feel upset by this, that I am in the more responsible position. I don't know how to feel.

I also ran into an ex martial arts students at uni today. If i wasn't anxious enough after the market stall incident. I don't feel welcome, like I am in imposter there. We talked of some things. I gave him my new phone number, for him to pass along to other ex students he lives with. Ex friends i guess, not through a conflict but through my withdrawal from my old life

I read a quote today.

The past does not equal the future.

It seems odd timing that i should then run into an old friend. Maybe the universe is speaking to me. I don't know. I am still fragile after my meltdown, and out of meds. I go there tomorrow for my appointments with my psych and my social worker, who is helping us with food this week.

Maye I am just tired. Tired of fighting, tired of change. Can you be less tired of change if you are in control of it? Or is it just as exhausting?

Spontaneous Emotional Combustion

Neil_1 — Tue, 21 Apr 2015 00:42:11 GMT

Dear GA

Thanx for your latest update – and holy smoke, you’re sure packing a lot in over the time. Ok, not all of it so good, but there are snippets of “good” there.

The very fact that you are able to come here and unload, I feel is a big positive. But you’ve also been out and about – and whether you realise it or not, all these things are positive instances of you pushing yourself.

I mean, look at how you were, oh back a number of months ago, you were barely getting out from under the doona.

So I say, try not to be too hard on yourself with all the things you’ve got going. That’s a lot on your plate there and as a result of having so much, there are things that are required or needed to be done, or paid for, or handed in and this is causing you major stress. But I say, hey, at least you’re ‘out there’ and having a go.

The ex martial arts student – were you in on that course as a student as well? Did you know the others kind of well?? Do you think that is something that you might feel ‘ok’ to possibly try again?? It’s actually a very good thing to have in your ‘kit bag’ on so many levels – physically of course, but also very beneficial mentally as well.

And just to finish, you say maybe you are tired. I think you could be absolutely right with that statement. As we’ve discovered you’re out there and doing things and all of these things have attached stressors to them – but I say look at the broader picture – of how you are now compared to earlier. Of you being strong enough and mentally able to fill in those papers re: the ending of the marriage and that you feel quite fine in doing this. Another major task almost completed. That’s the thing GA, you’re out there but not setting yourself little goals – you’re aiming for bigger ones.

So yes, rest up and recharge your batteries as soon as you can – keep eating and drinking well and keep focussing on moving forward – one tiny step after another.

Neil

Spontaneous Emotional Combustion

Blackruby — Tue, 21 Apr 2015 01:08:33 GMT

Hey GA

Lectures are always a stressful thing. Don't focus on the fact you had to leave, focus on the fact that you went in the first place. Group work is stressful I probably would have don't the same thing. Also getting to a lecture at the wrong time happens all the time especially when you are doing a full load. It sucks that you had no money though.

Instead of getting something nice were you able to do something nice for yourself instead I know that makes me feel better.

Its good that you have a supportive psych that you can contact when you need to, does he help you?

How is your partner going? It must be hard for both of you to support each other when your both not doing well. Is it getting any easier?

With your car is there anyone who can help?

How are you going with the divorce stuff? it must be challenging to do it all by yourself

Maybe you were meant to run into you ex student. maybe it is the right time to connect with that part of your past.

With feeling tired, we all feel tired when there has been a lot of emotional things going on. or when there is lots of change. hopefully it will pass and get easier

Blackruby

Spontaneous Emotional Combustion

Girl_Anachronism — Wed, 22 Apr 2015 04:05:08 GMT

Hi Neil,

The student was from the martial arts class I used to teach with my ex. So no I can't restart the classes, though I want to take up some form of martial arts Just financially it is not possible at the moment. I am on physio for the next two months for my knee, regardless.

Thank you for your post. I will try to take smaller goals. Looking back at my earlier posts, I have come out of the doona. After discussions with my social worker and psych they say the same thing - I need to let go of some of my perfectionism, in order to accept and move forward. I need to accept that smaller goals are good enough, which isn't an easy task. It is like trying to lose a limb i have had since I was a child.

The question now is how to do that.

Spontaneous Emotional Combustion

Girl_Anachronism — Wed, 22 Apr 2015 04:27:19 GMT

Hi Blackruby,

My psych is very good and though I can call him, we have boundaries set up which we both respect. It is hard interacting with anyone when you have borderline, and boundaries is one of the challenges he is teaching me to face.He is going to be away for the next two weeks.

With the car stuff, i don't have anyone I can borrow money off. I feel better not paying and not driving, or my pride does. I have come to peace with that. As for the divorce stuff, I am doing OK. I am busy with other things so i haven't proceeded but I want to get a grip on uni first, not to mention there is a fee involved which my ex will reimburse.

Maybe it is time to get in contact with them again. I don't know. I'll think about it.It is harder to do things nice for myself. Every monster of mine just keeps saying I am not worth it, I don't deserve it. I have to challenge that, I know. But that is hard too.

Spontaneous Emotional Combustion

Neil_1 — Wed, 22 Apr 2015 23:27:22 GMT

Hi GA

Great to hear back from you – the physio that you’re receiving for the recuperation of your knee is a very important one. I hope you’re able to continue with it and not miss any appointments, as getting that kind of assistance to manipulate and get strength and flexibility back in key body locations is crucial.

Smaller tasks is the way to go and to try, try try to ease up on your perfectionism will also help big time. Small goals – jot them down, type them down – ponder on what you might like to achieve; little ones, constantly. The more you do it, the more, hopefully it may become habit for you.

Neil

Spontaneous Emotional Combustion

Girl_Anachronism — Thu, 23 Apr 2015 00:17:15 GMT

So I took m partner over to he hospital last night because she had severe back pain. We thought it might be a recurrence of an old injury. She stayed overnight, and may be in for the next few days. News this morning was that she had lost sensation in her left leg. She is using a wheelchair for everything in hospital because the pain is too severe and now she can't walk. We are waiting on news this morning for their plan forward.

I am meant to go to a lecture today and then go see her. I am prepared to be her carer, and see her through this. I will be hard given we live in a first floor unit and nothing is really set up for the right height in here. We can work around that maybe, while finding a more permanent solution, if this is going to be a permanent problem, which we are not sure of yet.

I am trying to function as normal - feed cats, study like i planned, go to my lecture until we receive more concrete news. It's just hard right now, and I can only imagine her head space. She doesn't like interrupting my uni or needing help at the best of times.

I just don't know.

Spontaneous Emotional Combustion

Neil_1 — Thu, 23 Apr 2015 01:52:15 GMT

Hi GA

I’m really sorry to hear that about your partner – sounds like a very awful situation, but one that I hope that the right kinds of tests can produce some kind of answer for you both. I could imagine that it’d be quite scary to have something like that.

Trying to function normally – those are 4 awesome words. Yes yes, get to your lecture and focus on that for as long as you can – I don’t know how long lectures go for, but try to steel yourself to be “with it” for as long as you can during this time; you can always ‘crash’ a bit later on. Try for as much as you can to keep yourself occupied and for as long as you can – this will help to ease you through the day.

The old little goals routine.

Even back at your home to try to tidy up one room or even part of one room. Just take it small bit by bit, nice and easily, quietly and you might be surprised at what you can achieve.

Fingers crossed for you.

Kind regards

Neil

Spontaneous Emotional Combustion

Girl_Anachronism — Sun, 03 May 2015 07:56:44 GMT

Hi Neil,

A few tests later and there is good news and bad news. The good news is that there is no immediate need for surgery or anything serious with my partners spine.The bad news is that they don't know the cause or how long it will take to recover. Physio in our home 4-5 times a week.

I finally made the decision to drop two of my units, leaving me with the easiest and most enjoyable one. I don't like myself for having to do it but i have to accept that I am not the person I was three years ago. I don't have the capacities I had three years ago. I keep telling myself and my partner that I have not given up, I am just going at a slower pace. My perfectionism hates me for it. My perfectionism says I am worth nothing.

As I am in a full time carer role, which I do not mind, in fact I enjoy being somewhat useful given the uncertainties of the situation; my partner however can't help but feel guilty about it. We have had long talks about it but you can't help what you feel. We just have to control how we react to those feelings.

She is also frustrated by being trapped in the house. She needs me to help her down the stairs even if I do not go with her. As it is a fact of life, I don't know what to suggest, other than to try and reassure her I do not mind doing that. At her mothers house it a lot more accessible in the terms of the ramps we have fit better, and she can go outside properly.

So still problems. I just feel like we are coping right now. Coping but not living.