topic I should be feeling happy and excited in Depression

I should be feeling happy and excited

MisterM — Sun, 24 Jan 2016 22:49:11 GMT

I got accepted into uni, I was excited when I applied, when I got an email to say I got accepted I felt enormous dread.
I am feeling very down at the moment.
I can't understand why.

I should be feeling happy and excited

ci — Mon, 25 Jan 2016 05:27:01 GMT

Hi misterm

Just went through the same thing so excited to be accepted but very quickly turned to fear of am I going to cope? I've just enrolled days ago and feeling strange ever since I think it's the worry of will I be well enough? Do you think that is the case for you?

I think it's a normal response for someone dealing with depression or anxiety.

I should be feeling happy and excited

MisterM — Mon, 25 Jan 2016 08:07:51 GMT

Hi ci,

Thank you for replying.
Yeah I feel so anxious now since I got offered a place and accepted.
I have not slept well lately, last night I slept okay but I still feel like I have not and feel run down with dry eyes.
Yeah I am fearing failure, not being able to cope with study, fear that my depression and anxiety will impact on my study and as I will be going off my SSRI medication soon I fear feeling unwell due to withdrawing during the start of uni in a months time.
I had another big stressor which I posted in relationships/family issue section which I cleared up today.
I am fearing the big HECS debt, will it be worth the debt? Will I get a job after graduating? Will I make it as a teacher?
I have also been stressing what my sister and brother in law think about me choosing teaching as a career. My sister always doubts my career choices are for me and I can picture her putting me down as she sees me as a shy, low on confidence, weak, stupid guy with mental health issues.
I was so worried I texted my BIL to ask him does he think teaching will be for me.
Also, the stress of meeting new people especially during orientation day.
I will be one of the oldest at 31 years of age.
I always get funny looks and quizzes about being single at my age and never having married, I fear people thinking something is wrong with me if I have never had a girlfriend at my age and not being able to drink alcohol due to medication.

I should be feeling happy and excited

hope4joy — Mon, 25 Jan 2016 11:17:30 GMT

Hi MisterM and ci,

I started uni last year and will commence second year in about a month. I too was filled with absolute dread before starting - I wanted to bail - I thought I couldn't cope. Then when I started I not long after realised I had found something very special - studies that were important to me and a place I belonged. I've actually gotten quite depressed over summer because uni has been on vacation!

I also relate to depression taking my joy and pleasure away - sometimes I do something I used to love but the colour has drained out of it. I think that choosing to stop something or not go ahead with plans is best made when one feels well - as when depressed one's judgement is clouded. I applied to go on student exchange and have been accepted - it took a lot of hard work - and I was really excited when I applied - but since then my mood dropped and I'm a mix of terrified and uninterested. But at the same time I know it is important to me and has lots of possible benefits so i'm following it through. I'm also making enquiries to ensure i've got support when i need it. Most unis have great counselling services - at mine it is free to access. So maybe you could get some extra support to help with uni? Or do you have other supports in your life? MisterM? and ci?

Kind wishes to you both,

and congratulations for getting in!!!

Christina

I should be feeling happy and excited

ci — Mon, 25 Jan 2016 23:45:16 GMT

Misterm you sound like you know what you want to do and teaching is it. There are so many anxious kids out there I'm sure a teacher that understands what they going through is a great thing.

Every teacher is different I have 3 kids and have come across a few with anxiety they not been great at talking to parents but have been great teachers that's what counts.

Mental health issues can make relationships hard I have a family member that is your age never had a relationship due to not wanting to put his issues onto someone else it's probably more common than you think.

I am 34 pm get your worries about being older at uni but to my surprise there is a lot of people older than me so don't feel funny about that so many people go back to uni at different stages in life.

I don't drink either after having alcoholic mum and having mental health issues I steer clear of drinking and people do find it strange but that's there issue not mine. Enjoy uni be proud you got accepted and you never know you might meet someone with similar interests while you there.

I should be feeling happy and excited

Elizabeth CP — Tue, 26 Jan 2016 01:37:59 GMT

Congratulations on being accepted into uni. Being accepted means you have all the qualifications to be able to succeed so that is a positive. People who are over confident are the ones who often don't try and fail so that is another positive. There are a lot of people who go to uni when they are older I was 50 when I went back and there were quite a few 30 year olds in my course and most were single.

I don't drink alcohol as I don't like the taste or the feeling it gives me so when I'm offered a drink I usually say ýes I'd love some orange juice or lemon squash (or whatever I feel like) as I don't drink alcohol'. This works well for me as I get what I want while still appearing sociable.

You mentioned about being concerned about your sister''s opinion. When I had my first baby and was struggling a good friend said that I would get lots of conflicting advice from people trying to help. To manage this she suggested picking one or two people who I believed were good parents and then listen to their advice and ignore everyone else. I think this can apply to any form of advice. I have never relied on my brother or sister for career advice because although they know me well they don't know all my inner feelings and motivations and they are certainly not trained as career counsellors.

Good luck with your course and as others mentioned make sure you seek help for your mental health issues during the course as soon as issues surface so you can stay as well as possible and give yourself the best chance of success.

I should be feeling happy and excited

hope4joy — Tue, 26 Jan 2016 05:25:58 GMT

Hi MisterM,

In some ways it is hard being older at uni - i'm 35 and lots of people in my course were 17 or 18 at the start. But I found we all had something in common (our course) and this connected us and i've made some good friends - albeit they are much younger. While it is tricky being the older one there are also advantages in that I value the study, feel more confident that I'm doing something i'm passionate about, and just general life skills to navigate the course. I've had difficult mental health the whole year bit found with my ongoing support it was do-able. It is possible to get extensions due to illness, and there are lots of support services on campus. At least that's how it is on my campus and maybe yours too. As to being older and single - well I hate it, but its just where i'm at. I haven't felt judged by anyone at uni though - its not come up as something to be ashamed of. Sadly I find it is myself that is my harshest critic.

Kind wishes, Christina

I should be feeling happy and excited

MisterM — Tue, 26 Jan 2016 08:12:16 GMT

Thank you all for your posts of support, much appreciated.

To answer your questions:

hope4joy - My uni has a counselors available by appointment or drop in. And they offer extensions. There is an orientation day info session I've booked into about what to do if illness gets in the way of study. I have my best friend and BIL for support, and one of my sisters. They may not understand my emotions like I do but I can talk to them and get feedback.
In a uni video I watched as part of my orientation there is a teaching student talking in the video and she appears to be in her late 30's - early to mid 40's. So I guess that made me feel better.
There is an orientation week event for mature age students to meet and have lunch, I haven't booked in as I am very shy.
By the way I've already completed uni, 10 years ago, so I have been there done that but this time I fear failure more than ever as I am older and have been in limbo and unemployed.

ci - I keep asking myself am I sure I want to do this, I can see myself as a teacher and have been told by people they can see me as a teacher. My niece told me I'm a good teacher as I took her for a driving lesson.

Elizabeth - My previous degree put my ranking higher so I got in that way which was good. I feel embarrassed as I know my sister would be putting me down saying I am not suited to be a teacher. My friend has given me support and told me to ignore the doubters and go for it.

I should be feeling happy and excited

hope4joy — Tue, 26 Jan 2016 11:06:07 GMT

Hi MisterM,

its nice to pop back here and see your reply, thanks for answering our questions. This is also my second degree - i graduated from my first one in 2003. Gee how time flies! And it such a different experience to the first time around. Back then everyone in my friendship group went to uni, thats just what one did, so i did too. My sister suggested i take a gap year to try to figure out what i wanted to do but my dad disagreed and said i'd end up on the streets if i did that. I had a huge passion to try to save the developing world so i studied science - agriculture. I wasn't suited to it at all! I mean i could do well but it wasn't where my passion lay. I've always loved art and that is what i've gone back to uni to do. And its terrifying. I don't know what employment i will secure at the end. I've had very good salaries before and i don't know if i will see them again. I fear not being good enough. I fear being deluded about my talent. I fear not having the confidence to follow through with art as i will in a sense be self employed. But you know what MisterM, this is my passion. This is what I want to do. This is the only way I know how to move forward with my life right now. So this is what is most important to me. Sorry if i sound preachy or a bit intense but I was just watching an interview with Elizabeth Gilbert (author of eat, pray, love) and she gives such good advice about how to follow your dreams and how to deal with creative failure and success. I have let fear stop me doing so many things in the past and i pray that this time around i have the courage to keep moving forward despite the fear.

Its wonderful MisterM that people have said you'll make a great teacher. Given that you're willing to go back and study as a mature age student I think they're right - you're committed and interested in teaching and i think you'll do well at it. My experience is that i normally regret the things that i don't try, not the things that i do try. I'm really happy to hear that you're starting this new journey and that you have support here and in person on the way. What level do you hope to teach? And any particular subjects? Will you teach material from your first degree? Urban or rural schools?

Kind wishes, Christina

I should be feeling happy and excited

MisterM — Sun, 31 Jan 2016 05:05:58 GMT

Hi Christina,

Thank you for getting back to me.
I am studying for secondary to teach English, literature and psychology.
I might be able to teach business as I have a degree in Business.
As I live in the city I hope to find a job in the suburbs not too far from home.
My passion is music, I write songs and perform sometimes but it won't pay the bills and I don't want to do it for money but for the love of it. As a release, as a hobby.
I kind of feel torn as I know being back in study soon will mean less time for music and once I work as a teacher I will be busy and not have much time for music. I feel like being an artist is part of who I am and I will be spending much less time on it now. It's the sad fact that I have bills to pay and need a good income to move out of home where it is not a happy place for me to live.
I feel like 'gee am I doing the right thing here if music is my love'.
I don't want to work in music i.e. engineer/producer, I want to be strictly an artist.
I wouldn't say teaching is my passion, it's just the only thing I can see myself doing.
And I know I need to be committed and care as I have kids futures in my hands.
I have been in the corporate world too long to know I don't want to do it until I retire.

I should be feeling happy and excited

pipsy — Sun, 31 Jan 2016 08:38:43 GMT

Hi there. Congrats on being accepted. This is something you've wanted for a long time. I think a lot of your fears stem from what you've been going through with sister and BIL problems. Also you are going to be out of your 'comfort zone'. I realise that's a funny way to describe your acrimonious living conditions, but the way you have been living has been the 'norm' for you for a long time now. You've had a very unhappy home life, but it's the only life you've known. All of a sudden you're going to be in a totally alien life style, it's only natural you're questioning have you done the right thing, made the right choice. The answer to both questions is 'yes'. Will you be still living at home or are you going to move. If you're planning on moving, this is another upheaval. How long before you start? The longer it takes, obviously the more nervous you're going to be. I think, what you need to do (if possible) start studying now what you're going to eventually teach. If you can find somewhere peaceful where you can study for a couple of hours a day, this will help overcome some of the jitters. Once you've familiarized yourself with the subjects you've chosen, this will give you the confidence you need to get you started. Don't worry about the 'unknown', take each day as it comes. At least with uni, you're only concentrating on the chosen subjects, unlike school where you had to know something about everything. I'm sure there'll be others who are just as concerned as you, perhaps you could help form a study group where you could 'egg' each other on.

Good luck with everything. If you can, let us know how you're going.

I should be feeling happy and excited

hope4joy — Sun, 31 Jan 2016 10:09:20 GMT

Hi MisterM,

how nice to learn you're also an artist. It must be a wonderful thing to write a song... what is it like? What is your process? Music is my favourite art form and I wish I were talented in it, but my gift is in the visual arts, which I'm happy to settle for.

English, literature and psychology sound like wonderful subjects to teach - they are all quite based around creative enquiry. Business I don't know much about.

You raise some thoughtful points that I can relate to, in terms of whether to follow a creative path or not. For me going back to study visual art, i do wonder where i will be at the end of my course. It was fears about unemployment etc that meant I didn't do art the first time i went to uni. And now that i'm much more exposed to the art sector I see it really is so very hard to pave a path in contemporary art, especially as an artist. And i too have a strong conviction of not wanting to sell-out, as for me there is little difference between my work and me, they represent part of me at that moment. It actually struck me quite hard last year - in first semester i was elated to have found something that resonated so strongly, and i felt i'd found my 'home' in art, it seemed everything i'd learnt before was coming together. but in second semester the reality of how tough the art world is set in and i got depressed about it, but luckily kept studying and making art anyways. Lately i've decided to try to take the pressure off - and sort of see it that for three years i get to live the life of an artist and after that i'll see. I have lots of experience in gov and believe i could end up back there but in the arts sector. I could also see myself continuing to study, like doing post grad courses. living as a practising artist is my dream. I guess i'm just trying to enjoy the experience and not worry too much about where i end up. But it does mean i have to live in a share house for financial reasons (can't afford my own place). And hey i'm sorry to hear that where you're living is not a happy place for you to live, that's tough not having a good home environment. Its great you're thinking of ways to free yourself from that situation down the track.

It sounds like you've made a practical wise choice about what suits your needs and goals and interests today, do you think? It sounds really considered. Please remember uni holidays (+ teaching holidays) are very long = time to dedicate to your music.

Nice chatting, kind wishes, Christina

I should be feeling happy and excited

MisterM — Sat, 13 Feb 2016 01:13:36 GMT

Hi pipsy,

Sorry for the late reply, I have not been online.
Thank you.
I start uni start of March.
I will be living at home for now.
I can't afford it. I applied for Austudy and once I get settled into uni will try find employment part time.
My psychiatrist I saw recently said it would be best that I stay home and work things out with my mum otherwise the stress of trying to find a place to live whilst starting uni will make my anxiety worse.
Thank you for your suggestion. I have been reading books a lot lately as I am majoring in literature.

I should be feeling happy and excited

MisterM — Sat, 13 Feb 2016 01:28:21 GMT

Hi Christina,

Sorry for the late reply, I haven't been online.
Writing songs can be both stressful and joyous. Stressful when you struggle for ideas, lyrics or to finish a song.
I usually come up with guitar parts then a vocal melody I come up with by humming over the guitar parts I am playing, I then do the lyrics.

I am fed up with not having a good career, I don't want to go through life being a struggling poor artist.
I want music to be my hobby, something I do in my spare time.
Music is a tough industry, so many barriers to becoming successful. I can't be bothered with the headache of it all. I know musicians and see the hurdles they encounter. Music isn't what it was pre internet days.

Teachers get weeks off work but that is taken up correcting, planning, report writing, recharging.
I hope I have the time and energy for music.

You mentioned not worrying where you end up and enjoying the moment, that is great, enjoy now, future worry is unnecessary energy wasted.

Good on you for not wanting to sell out, I am the same.
I always got down about myself thinking I will never make it big time in the music world, but then that is doing music for the wrong reasons. I have changed my mindset, I think of it's for me and I shouldn't care if I make it or who likes it.

I was considering doing a visual arts degree, I am a good drawer. But there is no career prospect unless you want to teach. I could have majored in visual art in my teaching degree but I can't be bothered with art homework.

I think I have chosen the right path, I am moving away from the corporate world into a career I prefer that will hopefully give me some time to do music on the side.

Thank you for your post.
Nice chatting.

I should be feeling happy and excited

hope4joy — Mon, 15 Feb 2016 06:19:45 GMT

Hi MisterM,

its nice to come back here and find your post. The way you write speaks of quiet confidence in your decision and I'm happy for you that you are doing what you need at this point in your life. Maybe you can write down all the reasons you have chosen teaching, including having the financial security to move out of home, and re-read that list when uni gets tough. There are always points in the year where I want to drop out, or where i question what i'm studying, and at these times i remind myself of why i'm there and that its important to keep going. A really lovely old friend said to me that it doesn't matter what path i choose - the important thing is to stick to that path. I have a history of chopping and changing and i can now see real benefits in sticking things through, at the very least that one does have the confidence to achieve things.

Well its almost the start of uni MisterM! For my uni o-week is next week and then uni proper starts the week after on feb 29. My uni offers lots of helpful seminars in the first weeks - about essay writing, the library resources, clubs etc... i'm always amazed by how much good free stuff there is... Do keep your eye out. And at my uni we can get one on one consults to help with essays too, which i used a lot when first starting. It was like learning to write an essay all over again, and i really enjoyed it. Its a hard slog but ever so enjoyable too.

And thanks for sharing about your song writing process, it reminded me of making art - the joy and the struggle at certain junctures.

Please keep us posted about how you go at uni,

Kind Wishes, Christina

I should be feeling happy and excited

pipsy — Mon, 15 Feb 2016 08:17:07 GMT

Hi M.M. I'm hoping you can work things out with your mum, it would make things easier if you could. Maybe once you start uni, this will help her realise you're trying your best. I think literature is brilliant for you, you do express yourself well. Writing songs must have been some help to you as you sometimes have to think of words that 'fit in' rather than a full sentence. Do you have your schedule yet? Once you get that it will help you plan your day as well. Try to keep your music as a way of recharging when you've had a full-on day. As long as it gives you enjoyment, it's still a fulfillment. We all need a chance to relax after a busy day. I enjoy reading 'who dunnits' . When I was a kid, my cousins and I would sit and play and sing (I can't sing, but it didn't seem to matter). If it gives you pleasure, and you're not hurting anyone, it can't be bad.

I should be feeling happy and excited

Elizabeth CP — Wed, 17 Feb 2016 23:30:02 GMT

I am going to 2nd the previous two posts. Uni can be stressful for everyone so it is important to make use of all the supports available & don't leave it till the last minute. Asking for help is a sign of maturity rather than failure. Also ensure you make regular time to relax. This gives your mind a rest and allows you to be more effective. I found I did better when I took regular breaks otherwise I became tired & very inefficient and did much worse.

Good luck. Keep your goals in mind particularly when things are tough.

I should be feeling happy and excited

MisterM — Thu, 18 Feb 2016 04:03:23 GMT

Hi Christina,

Thank you for your suggestion, that's a good idea.
I've been chopping and changing a lot in the past 2 years.
Last night I performed at open mic and got a lot of great feedback on my performance, it makes me question if I should just be a musician but that means struggled financially, with teaching my love of music will take a back seat. It's a tough decision and I wonder if I am throwing away my music talent.
I just hope I don't pull the plug on uni now at the last minute. I don't want to, but I also want to still be an artist on the side.

Yeah orientation week is next week for me too. I am attending non-compulsory sessions on assignment help, what to do if personal problems impact study, how to use the library etc.

Will let you know how I go with uni.

I should be feeling happy and excited

MisterM — Thu, 18 Feb 2016 04:09:35 GMT

Hi pipsy,

You reckon I express myself well? Thank you. I have been told numerous times before I write well and speak eloquently. I guess I write song lyrics so I could translate that to literature come to think of it. I am glad I chose literature in that case. Yeah it's a challenge to use words to fit the melody.

I have my schedule, 3 days a week!
The only thing I am feeling bad about is having to put music on the back seat as uni is my number one priority now. Especially after a great performance last night at open mic where people praised me I question if I am doing the right thing. It is so hard to get a record deal and make the big time. I don't know I have mixed feelings. I am confused and torn. I think I just need to accept that music won't allow me to earn enough to move out and my dream of being successful is hard to attain especially in the internet age.

I should be feeling happy and excited

MisterM — Thu, 18 Feb 2016 04:11:29 GMT

Thanks Elizabeth, I will try my best to balance study with me time (hopefully songwriting time).