topic trapped behind a screen of fear in Depression

trapped behind a screen of fear

Gertie_Rose — Sat, 02 Jan 2016 03:32:41 GMT

Hi,

I have PTSD. I'm getting better but I notice a severe lack of motivation.

I've had about a week and a half off work and I just never want to do anything. I'm not engaged with life. There's a whole beautiful world for me to enjoy but I just resolutely, stubbornly, WON'T. I just waste day after day lying around, sitting and reading, whatever.

Whenever I get an idea to do something I have a crushing resolution that there is no point.

And yet I'm bored and hate myself for never doing anything, being so unimaginative, being so boring, not making the most of life.

How have you overcome that lack of vitality, fear of doing anything, conviction that there is no point in doing anything, resistance to fully living?

What is it truly about, do you think? Where does it come from? What's the underlying belief?

I've spent, like, a decade sitting around preferring to think and analyze, than to do.

trapped behind a screen of fear

Scotchfinger — Sat, 02 Jan 2016 03:43:53 GMT

Inertia breeds inertia and I'm living proof!

trapped behind a screen of fear

MisterM — Sat, 02 Jan 2016 05:01:21 GMT

Yep, I am the same. I don't have PTSD though.
I waste most of my days sitting behind my PC or phone.
I have zero motivation and wish I could find it.

trapped behind a screen of fear

MisterM — Sat, 02 Jan 2016 05:03:13 GMT

Yep, I am the same. I don't have PTSD though.
I waste most of my days sitting behind my PC or phone.
I have zero motivation and wish I could find it.

trapped behind a screen of fear

budd — Sun, 03 Jan 2016 03:16:08 GMT

Wow I just read about me I feel excacly the same down to a T

trapped behind a screen of fear

hope4joy — Sun, 03 Jan 2016 10:53:28 GMT

Hi Gertie Rose,

I agree that it is so difficult to go out and do things when one is feeling low and I find that I force myself to do things simply because I know that the more I go out the easier it becomes, even though a lot of then time I get very little enjoyment from it. I survived a street BBQ last night, had a few moments of enjoyment in the few hours, but feel great that I went and made it through.

I can also think think think! I have a few things that help me to get out, one is believing that 'action brings change' and the other is my experience that motivation often comes to me after the action, and often after several repeated actions. I try to remember the benefit I get in going out eg to yoga or to see a friend, and especially how i feel worse when i stay isolated at home. i find motivation very fickle indeed, and often seem to bluff my way through doing things without any motivation whatsoever.

I don't know, in your thinking have you come to a conclusion about what the biggest obstacle is to getting out?

Kind wishes,

Christina / Hope

trapped behind a screen of fear

Nellie7 — Tue, 05 Jan 2016 01:47:40 GMT

Dear Christina / Hope,

I feel like Gertie Rose and the others. I have also come to conclusion that I have to force myself however the issue is I don't seem able to.

I understand I will feel better for a short time. Maybe this is part of my problem, that I know it's a short term fix not a solution. As the event...is over I fall back into the same pattern. I think I'm boring, everything is effort and the fear of this being seen is difficult.

Thanks for your suggestions and the topic being started Gertie Rose.

Nellie

trapped behind a screen of fear

hope4joy — Tue, 05 Jan 2016 21:57:05 GMT

Hi Nellie,

nice to hear from you on this thread. I was thinking about this over the last few days and I hear what you're saying - short term change is possible by determination alone at times, but longer term change to those recurring issues is so much harder to combat. I'm good at the practical things in life, like exercising, eating well, getting things done, but often struggle in friendships and relationships and maintaining them. I've been reflecting on my depression a bit lately and I think I've tried to do it alone for so long (i.e. without medications) and I think the bar has often been too high to do things and make the changes I'd like. I'm going to try meds to see if it can get me to a better baseline where doing frightening/ new / difficult things can become more possible and more in my reach. I know I can challenge myself but it needs to be in a okay sort of range - if i'm feeling really low and the challenge is too great then i just cant get there.

I think you also raise questions of hope maybe Nellie? Lately I've been feeling hopeless that my situation can change and therefore doing things like meeting new people and catching up with friends has felt extremely hard. And then when I have hope (that's why i like my forum name, to try to grow more hope) then i can take on challenges a bit easier. It is hard though when you've had so many years of being up and down and great efforts in the past have not been long-lived.

I feel a bit rambly, I hope this makes sense!

Nellie and Gertie Rose what do you think? Do you know what stops you from getting out and doing things? Or what would help to be able to get out?

Kind Wishes,

a hopeful Christina

trapped behind a screen of fear

Nellie7 — Wed, 06 Jan 2016 04:29:24 GMT

Dear Christina,

It's great that you can get the practical things in life done. I'm similar however I get done the things that are expected of me with friends or work related. If someone else requires it I can push though however if it's for me alone (I'm single - so at home no one can see) I don't. I think this about the positive praise or attention I get makes me feel better and it's about ensuring others don't know how I feel. I put up a great façade.

This façade however is now getting cracks - I've been speaking to friends about aspects and they say it will pass... I'm afraid to tell them the whole truth. I've made an appointment with my GP but I have to wait to get in. I have written up what's going on for me and how I feel for my GP- some nights it's very dark. I think speaking with my GP is a honest start and I have a sense that it will provide an avenue of help. One night, feeling lost I looked up Beyond Blue and found this forum and it feels good to let some of my thoughts out. Reading other posts and getting responses makes me feel less isolated.

I have lost hope - I feel lost, no goals, many friends are now married with children and I don't fit in as much... I started walking again after reading a post - short walks around the streets to feel better and I do. It's just taking that first step to do it that's so hard. I use to do yoga and loved it however I stopped after some weight gain. I have lost much flexibility and are fearful of going back - scared of the judgement even though I know it would be good for me.

It's hard to say but I fear many things but I don't know why. I know I'm much better going out if it's to a timetable set by someone else rather than myself. I'll keep thinking on this however I feel I need to do - if I don't do something other than think about it nothing will change. Both sides of this is very scary for me.

Thanks for your response Christina, I really appreciate it.

Nellie

trapped behind a screen of fear

Elizabeth CP — Wed, 06 Jan 2016 05:59:40 GMT

Hi Gertie Rose,

I am also lacking motivation. I started exposure therapy for PTSD and this has stirred things up badly and impacted on fatigue, sleep patterns and motivation. When I complained to my therapist that I felt guilty about being so lazy due to lack of motivation he suggested that it is my body saying I am exhausted and need to rest. I either push myself to get things done or do nothing and feel bad about it. Sometimes pushing myself helps because I feel like I've done something. or achieved something. I struggle knowing when to push myself and when to just rest and allow the body & mind time to heal. My therapist suggested making the 'best guess as to which is right-force myself to do something or rest> I try to quieten the negative self talk by reminding myself I am doing the best I can and I am only human so if I am doing the wrong thing it is OK. I am still working on this.

You mentioned that you were improving so I assume you are having treatment for the PTSD. This treatment is exhausting so you may need the break from work to recover but you would probably benefit from doing some simple things you normally enjoy to help move out of the rut.

Good luck I wish there was a magic wand to fix these problems It is no fun.

trapped behind a screen of fear

hope4joy — Wed, 06 Jan 2016 23:20:27 GMT

Hi Nellie,

its good to hear back from you. And that's great you're seeing your GP - and really brave too. Please try to remember that she/he is there to help and so it's totally okay to share the difficulties you're struggling with, to give them a full picture to see how they can help. You said you have a while to wait to get in, how far off is your appointment? Have you been seeing that GP for long or are they a new doctor? I'm waiting for my psychiatrist to be back from six weeks leave, she'll be back on Monday and sometimes it feels like an eternity - even a few days or weeks wait can be drawn out at time. It sounds good that you've written things down, I've done that before, and it means I can remember to share what's important.

I hear you about not fitting in with friends because they've all got families - of all my old friends there is only one other aside from me who is single and childless. It has caused me a lot of grief and anxiety lately that time is running out biologically, as I recently turned 35. I guess I'm trying to come to terms that it might never happen. And yet I also have many people around me who only met their partner in their late 30s and then had kids. I guess my first priority is to try to get my depression under control. Its crazy because I've had depression/anxiety for years but always tried to manage it on my own... it makes me sad that i've let so much time pass. But i try to focus on what i can do now and that if i can build myself up slowly over the next few years maybe i wont come crashing down again, like i have in the past. Gosh i hope this isn't sounding too negative. What about youNellie, do you hope to have a partner and or kids?

And Nellie, I'm so sorry that you have lost hope right now. Its a frightening place to be and very lonely. Please trust that you will find things you enjoy again, and people that appreciate you. You sound like a really considerate caring sort of person, who does well in a social sort of environment. And it is so hard to connect when depression and anxiety are around in force. Its sad you've stopped yoga, if it was something that helped. I also stopped late last year for a good few months and have just started again though slowly. I have gone backward in almost all the poses, but i try to focus on the two or so that i've somehow gotten better in. I find it hard feeling weak and stiff, but try to trust that i will get stronger in time again and at least it is doing me well in going.

trapped behind a screen of fear

hope4joy — Wed, 06 Jan 2016 23:24:31 GMT

...oops I'm a bit rambly this morning and ran out of words. Its great you're walking again Nellie, that is something really positive.

Just thinking, you described that you're more motivated when someone else sets your timetable. Maybe you could use that to your advantage? Maybe you could see a psychologist who could help you schedule time, to help with structure. Have you got any therapy support Nellie?

Be kind to yourself,

Kind wishes, Christina

trapped behind a screen of fear

Nellie7 — Tue, 12 Jan 2016 00:53:15 GMT

Dear Christina,

Thankyou for your response, you have managed to understand were I'm at and the difficulties that I am feeling and thinking. It's all consuming.

I went to a GP (mine is on holiday) and I have a follow up appointment next week. It's the first time I had seen her and she gave me some names of psychologists however they're all on holiday. I am also stressed about the cost as I am single with no real other supports. She gave me a prescription for sleeping tablets as well. The tablets have helped in that I have now been able to sleep therefore reducing my anxiety about my current state. This has enabled me to eat some food and be a bit more proactive. However every day, that initiate get up is hard. I have also started to realise that I have been always a bit anxious about everything - is this good enough, did I say something wrong, an I in the way...I have become accustomed to this level of anxiety in everyday activities and it's sad.

What you wrote about trying to deal with your depression over the years, looking back at time wasted is how I feel. I've started thinking why didn't I do something earlier rather than pretend all is fine and I was happy. However I am feeling kind of good that I have made a start now rather than never. I'm 40 and it feels like I have lost a lot. I have fallen into a few old habits this last week in an effort to cope - making plans with others, doing things for others to stop focusing on myself. It's been handy in that it has created distance however I have a large amount of work to complete for work and I have not started. It so hard to stay mentally focussed when by myself. I have created a list (an effort to plan myself) and I'm going to attempt to complete it over two days as a starting point.

You mentioned you built yourself up over the years, can I ask what you did to that enabled you to do this?

Best of wishes

Nellie

trapped behind a screen of fear

hope4joy — Fri, 15 Jan 2016 09:36:55 GMT

Hi Nellie,

its really nice to find your response here! I've been away on an overnight trip for work and must have missed your reply before that. I find it confusing trying to track posts!

I'm glad you're getting some more sleep, I think its something basic we need (like food and water) in order to function. You've done well to get by having so little. I've been really lucky in that regard, ever since I was a kid i've loved sleep and normally sleep 7 hours or so - lately i've had to check i don't sleep too much. How is your eating going? Have you found any foods that are easier to stomach Nellie?

Hey you mentioned being worries about psychologist fees, I hear you on that one. I've rung around in the past and asked whether they are willing to bulk bill me - sometimes the receptionist can tell you, sometimes you're able to speak to the psychologist and other times its annoying you have to ask in the first session. My experience is that there are a few psychologists (and psychiatrists) who are happy to bulk bill (i.e. they just take the fee from medicare and charge you nothing) and then there are more commonly psychologists who will charge you a set amount above the medicare fee, like $20-$30. It is really worthwhile ringing around before hand if you have the energy, as even a small gap can really add up.

Yeah I also hear you Nellie about worrying so much - about what other's think, how I reacted/what I said etc - this is my goal for 2016 to limit this type of thinking and try to make choices based on a positive image of myself. They're so troubling these doubts aren't they. I hope we can both find better ways to think about ourselves and situations! I definitely feel the loss and grief for what is passed, but the future is also there.

How did you go with that work you had to do?

You asked about how I've built myself up Nellie. I was meaning that is something I'd like to do more over the next few years 🙂 But when I stop and think about it, I have built myself up a lot. I think the biggest thing for me was to stop moving city and to stay in situations and confront problems as they arose without leaving. Doing a group therapy program for 14 months also helped. I guess staying put has meant the my depression/ anxiety has caught up with me and now its time to work through it rather than always running away. I wish I were stronger and more connected socially, sometimes its hard to acknowledge the positive changes.

I'm outta words - kind wishes, Christina