topic Here We Go Again! in Depression

Here We Go Again!

Bobbi — Mon, 02 May 2016 05:15:29 GMT

It's been a while since I wrote a post on here (hear the guilt?). Depression has set in so far for over 2 weeks. Today is one of the worse days. I have housework to do, I need to order medication, I need sleep, I need to have a shower and so on and so on. The guilt and lethargy seems to be ruling my day today.

I know lack of sleep (caused by fibromyalgia) is playing an integral part in the depression hanging around and yet I don't like feeling like I sleep all the time. I feel more guilty when I do sleep during the day even though I know its imperative for my health.

I am struggling to do anything much at all. Even eating...again, imperative for my health.

I have these tools I usually use when I am depressed and I don't even feel like using those. My brain is saying, put off the washing up until later, its not going anywhere. No one is coming over today, you don't need to shower right now. Take the rubbish out tonight when no one is around. Order the medication tomorrow, you have enough to last you 3 more days.

Wow, just typing this down makes me feel even more guilty and more self critical. It makes me feel like I'm drowning and there's no steps on the side of the deep, dark pool. There's nothing under my feet to stand on. It's just dark and cold and dark and lonely and did I mention dark?

Now for the tools.....

Sitting at my desk is not going to help me to achieve what I need to do to help myself and no one else can do the things I need to. So first things first, set 1 or 2 goals for the day. My goals today are to do the washing up and to have a shower. Will I feel less depressed after doing these things? Probably not but at least there will be 2 things I've done that need doing.

I also need to eat lunch and get something out for dinner. These are necessities to live and so do not go on my goal list.

After doing the dishes, I'm going to reward myself by watching a movie.

So on that note, I'm going to go make lunch. It's 1.10 pm here and the longer I sit and do nothing, the less likely it is that I will eat and/or achieve my goals.

I hope you all have as best day as you can.

Here We Go Again!

meatloaf — Mon, 02 May 2016 06:55:18 GMT

Hi Bobbi

you could have been writing about me! I know exactly what you are talking about...today I haven't gotten out of my pjs or written in my mood diary ( something my pysch has me doing) I'm also supposed to set goals and can't even do that some days...it all feels hopeless and like a waste of time doesn't it.....

doing one thing is better than nothing no matter how small so well done

best wishes

Here We Go Again!

deprees8 — Mon, 02 May 2016 07:58:27 GMT

dont think you are the only one that experiences this. today myself i feel like it. the morning started out great but after an appiontment it feels as if i have been talking to a brick wall and its my first appiontment! i have to say that since feb i have been doing great but i feel as if i am in for a few bad days and i have to go out and be there or my payments will stop. its extra hard when you are down. i always say to myself tomorrow is going to be a better day and if its not i always go back in time to when it was positive and i feed of those thoughts. i hope you will feel better. As i say if you are still alive. LIVE IN THE MOMENT.

best wishes

Here We Go Again!

pipsy — Mon, 02 May 2016 10:01:49 GMT

Hi Bobbi. Welcome here to the forums. It's great you found the emotional strength to get online, that's a plus. Getting out of bed to get online (which I assume you did) is another plus, that's two pluses. Put that way, does it make you feel better, hope so. Each thing you do that gets you out of bed is a plus. Even if it's just to lounge on the sofa to watch t.v that's a plus. Look at what needs doing i.e putting out the rubbish, if that's all you achieve, that's another plus. If all you do is the dishes (come and do mine) another plus. If you don't do anything, you're right it doesn't matter. What matters is your view about what you can achieve each day. There are no minuses only minor setbacks that happens to everyone. Pluses are when we do something, setbacks are when it's in the too-hard basket. A set-back is not a negative, it's a set-back. A negative is when we know we can, but we don't because we don't want to. It's a set-back when we can't because we feel ill, tired depressed. Depression stops us from doing, because depression is powerful and can overtake. Reward yourself everytime you achieve, when you don't, take it as a set-back.

Lynda.

Here We Go Again!

topsy_ — Mon, 02 May 2016 10:55:52 GMT

I'd like to say hello to Bobbi, meatloaf & deprees8,

Can I come & join you all cause I feel the same too. So many things need doing but I can only manage 2-3 things. I understand your explanation Sherie of setbacks & a negative, but it's so hard to let myself believe that & not beat myself up.

Bobbi I have trouble with the exact same things - going to the chemist, showering, washing up etc etc. I'm so pleased you mentioned showering - I've been too embarrassed & ashamed to. It's a major battle I rarely win. And stupidly, I do enjoy the shower when I'm in there. But next time is still the same old battle.

Thanks again to the 3 of you. It does help me just to know others have the same struggles.

Best wishes to you all & Sherie, Lyn.

Here We Go Again!

meatloaf — Mon, 02 May 2016 11:28:29 GMT

I like thinking about not doing something as a setback rather than a negative...I beat myself up daily for feeling 'too lazy to brush my teeth' but I just can't do it sometimes.

imagine if we all met up one day without showering or washing hair brushing teeth...we'd be a very attractive bunch 🙂

not showering / taking personal care of ourselves during depression is very very common...its kind of a relief to know others go through the same

sending you all bubble baths

Here We Go Again!

Bobbi — Mon, 02 May 2016 19:23:29 GMT

Thank you all so much for your replies. It's comforting to know that I'm not the only one going through the same thing. It makes me feel more 'normal' if I know that others are going through it.

It would be great and funny if we all met up somewhere. All in our pj's with bed hair and slippers on. The thought bought half a smile to my face, so thanks, meatloaf (now I'm hungry, thinking about meatloaf lol)

One thing I keep forgetting is to realize how much I have achieved in a day. Getting up out of bed is an achievement. Spending some time with my friends online is an achievement. Making and eating lunch and dinner counts as 2 achievements at least. Oh, and I did the washing up at about 2 am which was a great achievement. I even washed the electric fry pan. That should count for extra. I took my medication on time. I had a snooze for a couple of hours.

So its now 3.20 pm and my goal is to go to bed and get some sleep before the earth rotates so that the sun is shining.

Doctors appointment tomorrow so I will have to get up a little earlier to have a shower. I also lover having a shower but its such an effort, like everything else is. I feel like I'm made of granite (or some heavy stone).

Good night everybody. I hope everyone is sleeping well and restfully.

Here We Go Again!

Kazzl — Mon, 02 May 2016 21:23:42 GMT

Hi Bobbi and everyone who's posted here. You are by no means alone. I think many of us have those feelings when we're down. I know that internal struggle very well - I should be doing something, but I can't get off the couch, yes you can come on girl, no I can't, maybe after a sleep ... still can't, too much to do, too much to think about, maybe later ... oh bugger it. Then it just goes down and down.

Bobbi you are right in trying to focus on what you have achieved not what you haven't. I have tried over the years to accept that sometimes that's the way things are and to choose just one thing to achieve in a day - nothing huge, maybe just cooking a meal (because I like cooking). I might achieve more, and that's great, but even that one thing is enough to make me feel I still have a little bit of control over myself.

I often suggest to people that they write down their achievements at the end of the day. Even if they are seemingly tiny.

This will pass folks, it will. But when it does, try not to decide you can conquer the world haha. I do that sometimes when I'm back up - set myself a To Do list as long as a highway and not acheve it. Self-defeating, self-sabotaging.

Take care folks - little steps, congratulate yourselves on any achievements and try to keep looking ahead. It will pass.

Kaz

Here We Go Again!

Bobbi — Tue, 03 May 2016 02:20:29 GMT

Thanks Kazzl for your reply to my post. One of the things I struggle with is feeling like I have some control over my life. What with the depression and fibromyalgia etc., it seems my body/brain does what it wants to whenever it wants and the only thing I can do is to go along for the ride. I'm slowly getting used to listening to what my body is telling me and addressing the symptoms that I can and accepting the symptoms I can do nothing about. The last thing I want to do is start a war against my own body.

I love your idea about writing down our achievements at the end of the day. I've been doing it backwards. Writing a list of all the things that need doing and crossing one or 2 off a day. I'm going to snag that suggestion and start using it instead. Thanks for the idea, Kazzl.

'This will pass' is one of my 'mantra' things I keep trying to remember when things are not good. The other one is 'this is for life'. I know that probably sounds defeatist but it is the reality of my life. Depression will be part of my life on and off forever. Please, if anyone is reading this, don't let this depress you even further. Let me explain. For me, it's about acceptance. Accepting that I have a disability, accepting that I can find alternative ways of doing things. Accepting limitations that the disability create. I have never liked lying to myself about anything. When I do that, I set myself up for disappointment, frustration and depression. I hope that makes sense to someone out there.

Kazzl, I hear you loud and clear on the setting up long To Do lists! I have done that so many times and end up self criticizing and hating myself. Like you said, self-defeating and self-sabotaging.

I just finished telling a friend of mine that today feels like a day that I'm scratching and clawing at the sides of the deep, dark well; trying to stop the downwards slide. The fear and anxiety chemicals are working overtime today.

Goals for today - take the rubbish out and have a shower. Maybe I can work up the motivation to put the clean dishes away too. We shall see about that.

May you have as comfortable day as possible and thanks for the reminders and ideas, Kazzl.

Here We Go Again!

Kazzl — Wed, 04 May 2016 20:57:53 GMT

Hi Bobbi - how's it going hun?

Kaz

Here We Go Again!

Clues_Of_Blue — Thu, 05 May 2016 12:23:17 GMT

Hope today has been a better day for you, Bobbi. I'd just like to say I'm another one who goes through exactly what you've described. It's a struggle to get out of bed, to eat properly, to shower, and so on. I've been in a slump for a couple of weeks, and now my mood is slowly evening out I can see what a damn mess my place is. Managed to get some sleep and cook something today at least, so it's not all bad news.

I'll second Kaz's recommendation for a "done" list. Like some of you here I'm a bugger for writing oversized "to do" lists, and not achieving everything on them, and that can be pretty disheartening. Then one day when I finally got around to cleaning up my desk, I found some old ones. I realised that most of what was on them I had done at some stage, and it felt pretty damn good. So I got a diary and started writing up what I've achieved each day. Even if it's just getting caught up on sleep, because sleep has been a huge struggle for me around insomnia and shift work, and a ****head neighbour making it impossible when I do have a chance to sleep. Admittedly I had a couple of days recently when I didn't write anything and was doing so poorly I couldn't remember having done anything useful in them. I just skipped those dates and resumed on the day I remembered I had my "done" list. As you say, accepting that depression is a thing is good. I can thus shrug off that empty spot in the diary and acknowledge that I wasn't doing so good for a bit, but hey, I'm doing stuff again.

That said, I take the opportunity to give myself the okay for a doing nothing day now and then, too. Sometimes that's reward in itself, especially when you've done a lot of achieving lately. My "done" list includes things I've done for my own enjoyment and well-being, like watching a show or playing a game or learning something. Maybe instead of a shower you could have a bath. Light candles, have a nice beverage or an ice-cream or something while you're in there and make an experience of it. I do that sometimes, and it feels pretty good. Just a thought.

Cheers all, for the solidarity. It's nice to see I'm by no means alone with this sort of thing.

Here We Go Again!

Bobbi — Thu, 05 May 2016 20:00:37 GMT

Hi Kaz, today was not so much of a good day. I only slept 3 hours last night so I was behind the 8 ball even when I woke up. Trying to motivate myself to even pick 1 or 2 goals was too much. I ended up sleeping this afternoon for another 3 hrs. I feel like I've been sleeping all day and I feel so guilty and useless, like I'll never achieve anything. I know that's not true but that's what it feels like when there's very little of the nice chemicals going around in my brain.

I'm just starting to yawn again at 4 am. I'm hoping that will mean I can sleep again. I'm so tired.

Maybe tomorrow will be better and I'll motivate myself to make 2 goals and achieve them tomorrow.....or should I say later today.

I think I've slipped another foot down the deep, dark well. I'm not at the bottom so there's still time to put some of the tools into action. Sleep first, then action....ugh!

Here We Go Again!

Bobbi — Thu, 05 May 2016 20:14:00 GMT

Hi Blues Clues. I read your reply with interest as there are some very good ideas in there. Tho, I feel overloaded at the moment and it's all too difficult, I'm going to start rewarding myself again. I haven't done that in quite some time.

Is it something to do with depression that we try to start a good routine like rewarding ourselves and then at some stage and for some reason we forget and stop doing it? I find it very difficult to continue to do something that works every day or every week. I feel a bit better when I do reward myself. Its nearly like self sabotaging. Does anyone else have this problem?

So my reward is making myself a nice cuppa decaf tea with soy milk, sitting in my comfortable chair and looking outside as the world goes by. I'm going to attempt to remember to do that in the morning when I wake up.

My goals tomorrow are clean the bathroom sink and toilet (they so need doing!) and to have a shower. That's a big goal so we shall see how I go. I look forward to putting those jobs in my done calendar tomorrow night.

I hope everyone is sleeping well.

Here We Go Again!

Kazzl — Fri, 06 May 2016 10:45:13 GMT

Hiya Bobbi - don't forget to put 'posted on BB' on your achievement list for today. That's an important one because it means you're hanging in there and not giving up! Good job Bobbi.

I know that deep dark well, been in it often - don't look down hun, just keep looking up.

Kaz

Here We Go Again!

Clues_Of_Blue — Fri, 06 May 2016 11:10:27 GMT

For me I'd have to say it's not that I forget to reward myself, it's more that when I'm really down I struggle to enjoy anything, and don't have a great deal of energy to get started on it anyway, to find out if I'll enjoy it. It's not a good cycle. That said, when I push myself, one of the best things I can do to perk up is sit outside in the sun (if it's sunny, of course). I've found direct sunlight to play a huge part in mood, and often by the time I've had my coffee and maybe a bite to eat, I'm starting to feel a bit motivated. It's been a bit harder with the cooler months rolling in and less sunlight. Have been contemplating a SAD (Seasonal Affective Disorder) Therapy Light to get me through winter. If you don't know, it's a really bright light to emulate sunlight for those with depression caused or exacerbated by lack of sun. Half an hour or so a day with it is recommended for therapy, though talk to your GP or therapist about the risks. I've read that at the wrong time of day it can in some cases trigger mania in those with bipolar.

Something else I've found to help me sleep or alternatively to kick me out of feeling too rubbish to enjoy things is a little free app for my phone, called Nature Sounds. Especially if I'm stuck indoors it's good to hear birdsong, or a waterfall or waves lapping the shore to calm my mind and make me feel like I'm not completely disconnected from the natural world. I've been a bit remiss with this lately as I sometimes forget I have it and the silence is so oppressive I feel worse. Maybe the pair of us should set reminders to do these sorts of things for ourselves, while we're in the right headspace to think of it?

Completely agree about adding a reference to posting on here to your "done" list. Was gonna say that, but Kaz beat me to it. Nice to see you're on the ball there, Kaz. 🙂

Hope you got some joy out of your cuppa and your comfy chair, Bobbi.