topic Value of life in Depression

Value of life

Guest_2350 — Thu, 21 Jan 2016 07:46:18 GMT

I don't feel suicidal, but I really struggle with challenging negative thinking. I understand that I should not tell myself I am worthless, so I tried to change the sentence to "I am valuable" and for weeks I have been trying to find evidence that I myself believe.

Am I asking the wrong question? Even when I think of something, I immediately feel like that is ok when I feel well but now there is not much value left in me? How did you get out of this? What did you change in your thinking to find answers? Any advise would be really good as I need to believe the answers I give myself.

I had a pretty messed up day, I got confused at work, got names mixed up and struggled to concentrate. I just feel flat.

I eat and eat as if I am training for an ironman. I think my body thinks I am starving as I have no energy. I just hope I can sleep tonight.

Value of life

Jacko777 — Thu, 21 Jan 2016 23:44:46 GMT

Hi yggy,

For me it was so important to change my self talk to positive, I guess I didn't believe at first but over time it has made a big difference. Some times you have to fake it till you make it, you might not feel these things in your heart but eventually I think you will. Repetition is what got me there, I just kept doing it over and over. I believe the answers come in the space between thoughts, that's why meditation helped me a great deal, to slow down my mind, make some space. Oh, and not every day is going to be a winner, some days are better than others, yesterday is gone and the lessons from it make us a better person today, if we treat it that way.

Jack x

Value of life

Scotchfinger — Fri, 22 Jan 2016 00:50:01 GMT

I'm not sure I would use the phrase "I am valuable." I prefer the mantra "I'm OK." Then 'I'm OK' allows for ups and downs. "I made a mistake at work but I'm still OK."

Negative thinking is going to happen whether we like it or not. All we can do is minimise it. Challenge it. "Am I really so useless?" My negative thinking tends to be triggered by pressure, when my self-confidence is on the line.

When there is no pressure, and I am at home, I have much less negative self-talk. So I have to psyche myself up before I go to work. Wear my bullet-proof vest, to be ready for any insults or errors of judgement.

Value of life

Guest_2350 — Fri, 22 Jan 2016 02:09:25 GMT

Hi Jack,

thanks for reminding me to fake it til I make it. That's my motto for my daily 10min meditation.

I have actually put a daily reminder in my phone to read the realistic thoughts I work on in my CBT. It is so easy to forget and it feels repetitive but I guess you are right.

Take care, Yggy

Value of life

Lori — Fri, 22 Jan 2016 02:15:23 GMT

Hi yggy,

Negative thoughts are so fustrating at times because it is so hard to ignore them and to keep them out.

When i had negative thoughts similar to that i use to always think to myself "I am determined to prove you all wrong" it was my biggest motivation i had was to keep pushing forward just to prove not only to others but myself that i can do this.

Your definitely not worthless though, far from it. When you have this thought pop into your head you could replace it with "No, I can do this" because you definitely can, you just got to keep trying to look beyond that negative thinking.

Also another thing that helped me with this thought challenging was exercuse and yoga when i was doing something good i felt good mentally and that was when i would put all the positive thinking into mind.

I am sorry to hear you had a messed up day, I hope it alll gets better for you soon. With the eating when you are wanting to eat but sort of know you shouldn't try and distract yourself with something healthy whether it is going for a walk or something else you enjoy, try go for the healthier options physically and mentally 🙂

You'll get through this, keep you head up and stay strong!

- Lori 🙂

Value of life

Guest_2350 — Fri, 22 Jan 2016 02:24:45 GMT

Dear Scotchfinger,

thanks for the advise. I do struggle to make statements which allow the normal fluctuations. I am ok, sounds much better!

I am losing confidence as I am getting worse with my daily tasks, my short term memory, I make mistakes I never used to do and it is making me feel very insecure. But you are right, I am still ok. I am not a bad person.

Thanks, Yggy

Value of life

Guest_1055 — Fri, 22 Jan 2016 03:36:34 GMT

Dearest yggy

I am pretty sure that the feelings I get are the same as yours. That is you do sometimes feel worthless. From what I have found from reading on here is that it is a very common feeling among us. I think this feeling can stem from a lot of different issues. For me when I feel neglected, ignored, or I think I have no real purpose, unloved and not wanted by anyone. Well then I feel worthless. I also think some of the feelings of worthless and not feeling valuable may come from our childhood. Well I think it was the case for me. And so it becomes ingrained into our very souls.

I am also thinking upon, that we need to base our worth and value on the fact and truth that each one of us is rare, valuable, the there was only one of us created. Like there is only one "yggy" there is absolutely no other person the same as you ever created. Sometimes I see it as this.......... A craftsman a extremely talented one, the very top master of his profession, and only produces and lovingly constructs one of a kind pieces. So no duplicates. These pieces, I see the pieces as furniture. He pours His very heart into each piece, making each one unique in its own way. Someone obtains this unique and valuable piece. And remember it is rare and valuable, for there is truly only one of them. Well this someone doesn't know or there eyes are not awake to truly see the real value. And they may not know of their very own value, so this clouds their thinking. So this piece may not be protected from the weather or storms. And may get bumped and scratched even. But even though it has been through all this..... The truth still remains it is still rare and very valuable.

Anyway these are my thoughts yggy, and I don't fully understand it all myself. Even if I have trouble believing that I am valuable and worthwhile the facts still remain. The facts never change. I wish I could help you, but I cannot even help myself in regards to all this. Your not alone in your thoughts either.

I have know probably confused you, as I have myself...... I don't know???

Hug

Shelley xx

Value of life

Guest_5218 — Fri, 22 Jan 2016 05:03:07 GMT

Hi Yggy,

Sorry to hear that you had a messed up day at work yesterday. Confusion, lack of concentration, making mistakes and feeling flat and insecure are all very common reactions during the therapy you are currently undergoing. But try not to worry too much as it is temporary, and you will eventually get back to normal again. Hopefully even better than what your normal has been in the past! Nice thought? Perhaps the over eating is a distraction thing for you? Is the overeating becoming an issue for you, or can you ride it out short term?

Under no circumstances should you allow yourself to think that you are a bad person. You're not - you're good and true and a valuable human being with so much to offer. Just know that everything will get better, you just have to ride out the storm for a while longer. Did you end up getting any sleep last night? It can make such a big difference if you can just manage to get some decent sleep. Everything seems just a little rosier then.

And Shelley Anne - What you have just written is truly beautiful. And after much thought, and to-ing and fro-ing in my own mind - I agree with you, it is totally true. You are so clever, and I wish I could think and write down thoughts as you do. You really do have a talent there, a true gift. And we are very privileged to share it.

Sherie xx

Value of life

Guest_2350 — Sat, 23 Jan 2016 19:24:41 GMT

Hi Lori,

thank you for your post. "Proving everyone wrong" - including myself - seems great, but how do you apply it in your own life? I feel like people are always expecting me to be better. I have always worked like a Swiss watch, precise and always on time and now I feel like I am losing that capability.

Thank you for reminding me to challenge my own thinking. I have actually put a daily reminder in my phone now to read the realistic statements & evidence I worked on during my CBT.

Take care, Yggy x

Value of life

Guest_2350 — Sat, 23 Jan 2016 19:34:44 GMT

Dear Shelley,

Thank you for your beautiful post. I am sad that so many of us share this feeling of worthlessness. I have learnt that my feelings come in cycles and I am on the improve for a moment, but it makes me so sad that we can feel the way we feel. I enjoyed reading your story about the beautiful piece that might receive bumps and scratches, but remains unique - perhaps that makes us even more unique - although I do not think there is something more than unique... I guess it is just part of who we are. When my granddad died, I received a paper weight in the form of a hedgehog. I had always loved playing with that paperweight when I was a child. I remember that my dad said to me, you can scrub it all squeaky clean or you can keep it the way it is, with all the memories of frequent use. I never scrubbed it.

Take care Shelley, big hugs, Yggy x

Value of life

Guest_2350 — Sat, 23 Jan 2016 19:47:04 GMT

Dear Sherie,

Thank you for your post. I am worried about how long I will suffer the consequences of my therapy. Hopefully the moodswings will get less frequent, less intense and the bad days will pass quicker. I had another difficult week at work. I am wondering if I should cut my work hours for a while, as I struggle with the long days (normal working hours). It is a great thought that it will eventually get better, I am really looking forward to that!

I am not sure if I can ride the eating issues out. My eating disorder has popped up fiercely the first time in many many years and it is a coping mechanism, but not of the healthy kind. A few other coping mechanisms and my IBS have reappeared, but I will not be able to just stop them immediately. I guess patience and kindness to myself will eventually help and I am trying to work on finding healthier alternatives and thinking about general changes in my life. Instead of taking the approach of making a clean cut, throwing out all potentially unhealthy food, I will work on it gradually, one little step at a time.

I have been sleeping a little better and I also took a nap during the day and in general spent most of yesterday in bed - that helped. what do you do when you have sleeping problems?

Take care, Yggy x

Value of life

White_Rose — Sat, 23 Jan 2016 21:28:44 GMT

Dear Yggy

Six months ago I was as scared as you about losing my mind. Despite my doctor constantly telling me it was due to all the stress I was experiencing I could not bring myself to believe her. I was absolutely convinced it was the beginning of Alzheimers, and that alone was enough to feel depressed about. As I gradually got well so my memory returned and I stopped feeling confused and all the other symptoms you describe. At the time I could not see this as a temporary situation.

And this is how you are feeling, including the disbelief. I cannot say I found a way to believe what I was being told because it just does not work that way. Instead I noticed how other people forgot things etc and I would say to them, "I'm glad you do these things as well as me. I find it quite worrying." The reply was invariably an acceptance that people forgot things and that it was OK. I still worried but less so and as I worried less so my brain started to behave itself more.

Many years ago my mom became very confused but when the doctor examined her, it turned out she had a kidney infection. Antibiotics sorted out both. The point is that so many other situations impact on our abilities and it is a matter of clearing up these other things and the memory problems and confusion will go away.

Depression and anxiety are your current problems which are being fed by your wayward thoughts. Fake it til you make is good for the external stuff but not for controlling your thoughts. I know this will be a difficult thing to do at the moment, but can you try it. Every time you have a negative thought sit and look at it and ask what evidence you have that this is correct. I messed up at work today is a huge generalisation. Which bits did you mess up and which bits were fine.

There is a tendency to throw up your hands and say I did everything wrong. You know this is not true. Focusing on the wrong bit can be a bit painful because we feel so silly when we do it. So we throw it in the too hard basket and generalize. Take a deep breath and look at what went wrong, acknowledge your mistake to yourself, and move on. As the saying goes, if I had $1 for every mistake I made I would be very rich.

The biggest thing we all need to learn is to accept ourselves as we are and not some idealized version that we can never reach. This is being kind to ourselves. So instead of punishing yourself try a different mantra. I am lovable and acceptable just as I am.

Mary

Value of life

Guest_2350 — Mon, 25 Jan 2016 20:58:43 GMT

Dear Mary,

I am so glad that you wrote this post. I am so glad I am not the only one who thinks she is losing her mind and I am glad to know that you eventually improved. I am very worried to lose my mind, lose who I am, lose people in my life, lose my job... just because my mind cannot function as it should. I am worried about how much effort everything is at the moment and how I seem to be stuck in the mud. Every step seems like I am trying to walk through thick mud with heavy gumboots on. And my mind tells me how useless and worthless I am and I need to sit down and write to myself why I think that is not true. And then I spent (in my eyes wasted) another hour working through this illness.

I am glad you told me that this is temporary. I am too young to slow down as much as I have lately. I understand that I have to work on setting realistic goals as well, but it is good to know that I will improve again.

I have worked on some thought challenges in the CBT. Unfortunately I found it so distressing when I could not think of evidence against it, that I stopped it and now just read through the thought challenges I worked out with my therapist. We had to adapt the program a lot, as I get overwhelmed so quickly. I finished the current course now and hope I will make even more progress once I start face to face sessions. I am learning to accept that this is going to be a long journey.

Thank you Mary! Take care, Yggy x

Value of life

White_Rose — Mon, 25 Jan 2016 21:31:26 GMT

Dear Yggy

It's always good when you find you are not alone in your problems. Many years ago, before I knew much about depression, I discovered that others were experiencing the same feelings etc as me. The relief was enormous. I was so worried that I was the only one and was too terrified to do anything about it in case I was either completely crazy or some horrible monster, or possibly both.

I can also relate to your feelings of being overwhelmed. When I am in a difficult situation I feel as though I am standing under a waterfall or similar and I can't breathe because of all the water pouring over me. I can't get out because I am stuck in that place and can't move. So CBT poses huge challenges. While the psych has helped me understand how CBT works there are still days when I want to run away from it all and go and hide somewhere.

Eating was good substitute until recently. I have been discovering the effect some foods have on me, both physically and emotionally. Sugar of course is a big problem. The swift high, which feels great at the time, rapidly followed by the low as the sugar runs out and the urge to eat more sugar. So I am learning to stay away from sugar. But there are other foods that I need but don't eat, or foods I eat which do me no good. Slowly I am getting there but I fall down many times and find it hard to get up again.

These are the times when we need a lot of courage to keep going and suicidal thoughts do rear their heads occasionally. I look on them as a safety valve, something to hold on to, although I expect it seems strange, because then I can escape the pain of my life for a short time. Then I get back to reality with a little more strength because I know I am not going to die and don't really want to do this.

My general fitness has also slumped and I am in the process of improving this. It's difficult as I have a bit of a hip problem causing me pain. Hopefully I will soon have some surgery to relieve this.

Keep fighting the good fight Yggy. Everyday you get stronger because you are exercising the muscle called determination, even though you don't always realise it.

Mary

Value of life

Guest_2350 — Sun, 21 Feb 2016 10:43:57 GMT

Dear Mary,

how are you? Have you been able to steer away from the sugar and focus on eating more of the good stuff? I have never been a sweet tooth, but lately I crave sugar as I keep thinking it will give me an energy lift - which it does, as you say, for a brief period. I find eating is a difficult thing. We know what we should eat, but then we crave something else and I have noticed that I soothe myself with food. So when I am trying to be kind to myself or sometimes to get back to the here and now - I eat.

How is your hip problem? I hope you experience less pain and are able to move more again.

I keep fighting. I had a long talk with a counsellor on the weekend and have worked out a lot of questions. I just hope that one day I will feel like myself again. I miss that motivated bubbly person that always had so much energy. I feel lifeless. I don't have goals, I just want to get better.

Take care, Yggy x

Value of life

White_Rose — Mon, 22 Feb 2016 12:11:05 GMT

Dear Yggy

Thank you for thinking about me. I had surgery on my hip on Tuesday last week (16/02). Spent two days in hospital. I am now walking with a stick, not because I can't walk but because the stick keeps me walking properly. Not much pain. The doctor has kept me well supplied with pain relief. I was so impressed with the surgeon as he phoned my daughter after the op to tell her everything went well. And then he gave me a written report of the whole operation. Usually the doctor explains it all then you forget after a couple of days. Now I need to keep up my exercises. Not really looking forward to this but it has to be done.

Glad you had that chat at the weekend and I am presuming it was productive. You are moving forward although I expect progress seems slow. I had my last meeting with my psych today. He does not have the time to see me any longer so I need to find someone else. Not really looking forward to it.

I too want to be the person I used to be, though there are times when I wonder who that person was. There are so many times when I hate who I am and I want to be independent and happy. After the fiasco with the medication last year I stopped taking any ADs. Got too scared in case it all backfired on me again. Anyway, I got so down that I agreed to take a new type which seems to be working. My GP started me off on a low dose and I have just started taking what she hopes will be the highest amount I will need. Fantastic to take something that has no side effects for me, except for a slight dry mouth.

I am managing my diet quite well these days. No sugar cravings and not eating the other foods that made me feel yuck. I went down this track to feel better but in the process I am losing weight. Just a little at a time, which is how we are supposed to do it I know. The best thing is I am not feeling the pressure to eat or not eat because I am not using this diet to lose weight but to make me feel better. However I am happy to be 6kg lighter and I hope this continues.

Looks like you can fool yourself into losing weight by changing eating habits for a different reason. I know how hard it is to stop eating comfort food. I think it magically pops into your mouth before you realise it. I think my previous ADs had a lot to do with food cravings which makes the current AD even better. My GP finally decided that SSRI were no good for me. How much do you think your meds affect your food habits?

Great to hear from you again.

Mary