topic Confused feelings in Depression

Confused feelings

Guest_2350 — Sat, 26 Dec 2015 22:43:16 GMT

Hello All,

I am currently doing CBT and starting psycho therapy next month and one of the returning thoughts that keeps bothering me to a great deal, is my ability to maintain friendships and relationships. I actually used to be very good in keeping up friendships & acquaintances and I used to blog, send post cards, letters and emails, call and see the ones that were close enough. My relationships (friends, family, acquaintances) are literally scattered all over the world, mainly Europe and Africa and now also in Australia. I have moved many times.

For the last few years I found it more and more difficult to keep in touch with people and I started to doubt the intend of people and their actual feelings for me. Where I used to be very giving and forgiving, I am now very reserved and suspicious and bitter. I have again and again thinned out my contact list, created and deleted blogs & facebook & other social media accounts again and again and I am just wondering if I am the only one who gets so confused, who does not want to be in touch, who just does not know. And I am also wondering why this bothers me so much and I think I am so stupid, as it is as if a rich person worries about what to do with all the money. I feel so ungrateful and just stupid.

I'm just wondering if this is part of depression and PTSD and if it will eventually get better and I will eventually feel something again that does not confuse me.

Thanks, Yggy x

Confused feelings

Guest_1055 — Sun, 27 Dec 2015 02:32:34 GMT

Hey yggy

I can't relate to much of what you saying, though I really want to, because I do truly care about you. I do wish I could help you with your confusion, and help unravel and make you feel a bit clearer or something.....

You see I actually have trouble making friends, to begin with.

Oh how I long to truly help you, I'm sorry. And I have read a few of your posts, before and you never come across as stupid to me, not one bit. You seem so humble or something to me, which I admire.

Huge hug for you yggy, can you feel it?

Shelley xx

Confused feelings

Kazzl — Sun, 27 Dec 2015 03:07:25 GMT

Hi yggy hun

Friendships are a funny thing ... and I think, different for different people. I guess it depends on how you define them, what you expect from them, what friends expect from you.

Personally, I find them hard work, and I'm not good at maintaining them when I move on. (Most of my adult friendships have revolved around work.) And then when people don't keep in touch with me either I think oh well, that was just for then. And I'm OK with that, which is probably why I don't have any now apart from immediate colleagues.

I got bitten badly when my first husband and I split. Even though it was amicable, it turned out all of 'our' friends - people we entertained regularly, played music with, shared our daily lives with - were his friends. We split well over three years ago and I've not heard from one of them since. That still hurts a bit, although if I'm honest, not because of the people in themselves but because I lost a group to play with. And realising that has made me also realise that maybe I only saw them as friends because I wanted something from them. Not very nice, but true.

Must admit, I'm also still ashamed of how I was when I was drinking, and I guess I've drawn a mental line through the life I led then and the people I knew who might remember me a certain way.

I think if you want to maintain friendships, you maybe have be willing to accept that you're the one who always makes the contact. People are lazy, I know I am. Doesn't mean they don't care about you, and they are probably genuinely thrilled when you get in touch.

Not sure if that little ramble helped in any way, but in any case, we're friends! I really like having online buddies. 😊

Confused feelings

Guest_2350 — Sun, 27 Dec 2015 08:06:47 GMT

Dear Shelley Anne & Kazzl,

thank you for your replies. I am sitting at the beach now and the wind is chilly and gusty. I feel better than this morning, I always feel better at the beach.

Some day I just want to feel normal, like every other person, without the baggage of my PTSD - I am not ready to talk about it, but I know it has impacted me ever since. I think for many years I was just able to surpress it.

Thank you for your understanding and your kind words. Sometimes I feel so stuck, it is impossible. I feel like Jekyll and Hyde - everything I know and believe just goes out of the window and let's me be stuck with this person who just plainly hates itself.

Big hugs, Yggy x

Confused feelings

White_Rose — Sun, 27 Dec 2015 09:55:21 GMT

Dear Yggy

I most certainly relate to your feelings. I think the older you get the more friends you make and lose and the memory of those losses can be painful, particularly when they were people you felt close to. As a teenager I spent hours writing letters to my friends (no internet, email, FB etc then). And it was a huge joy to receive mail from these people. I feel certain I would have been like my granddaughter with my mobile phone glued to my ear or my fingers had the technology existed.

However I still keep in touch with a few friends from schooldays. Not very frequent exchanges but enough to remember each other. In some ways these people are bit like siblings, they will always tell you who you are and keep you grounded because we know each other so well and became friends when we were young enough to make a habit of honesty.

But also our tastes and needs change. I no longer want to play tennis or go for long walks. My interests lie elsewhere and that's where my current friendship group exists. It really is hard work to keep in contact with huge numbers of people unless you are going to send out group emails once a week. And keeping track of their various offspring and families is well nigh impossible. So yes, it sounds completely selfish to lose contact but it is also selfish to to keep in contact with those who have moved on to different places. Your energy is better spent being friends where you are. You cannot live your life keeping tabs on everyone. You would have no life of your own to talk about in any case.

Also your life experiences have taught you to be wary of others. I know this is true of me. And since we do not come fitted with windows in our brains to show everyone who we really are, it is difficult to know who to trust. BB friends are different because we do not know each other in the physical world so it is far easier to be relaxed about what we say.

I'm not sure what normal is. There are so many shades of people and everyone carries their own baggage of some sort. I have depression and some PTSD. I spent a part of Christmas Day with my daughter which included my ex-husband. He was there again on Boxing Day with the rest of the family. By the time everyone left I was at screaming point with him. When I wonder if I am normal and presentable I think I am far more 'normal' than him. And yet I am the one being treated for depression and living with the aftermath of our marriage. Perhaps we should change 'normal' for 'acceptable'.

Mary

Confused feelings

Guest_4987 — Sun, 27 Dec 2015 10:24:34 GMT

Hi Yggy,

Just read your post on your thread and wanted to just inform you some of my experiences, over the years my family and I moved heaps of times for the work I did, in the early years it was ok and didn't bother me but for the last decade it started to worry me so much because the people I had worked with changed the type of work they did so I kept feeling I had become useless as a friend as the contact wasn't there anymore. I also found after my divorce I could only hold a relationship for a number of years which was so painful for me.

Yggy these days I have a different take on life…I don't have many friends that call me just to say hello…I don't have a partner or girl friend…Today these issues don't stress me out to much because I have come to reason that 1. most of the work acquaintances still have there currant lives to live and probably just don't have the time or energy to contact me. Regarding partners or girl friends after much pain I now accept that the most reasonable reason they didn't work for me was the way my mind worked, I gave myself so much pain in relationships no wonder they did not work out.

I have done OBT and Psycho's and yes it was informative as a matter of fact I am doing another OBT thingee on line to reinforce the things I need to work on as there have been some rough times of late.

Generally Yggy my life is so much better than it was when I was younger not perfect but hey who is and I just try and make the most out the day I have in front of me…the worst thing for me is thinking to deeply about things which don't deserve it…big problem for me..I try hard not to fall for it.

I'd just like you to know it does get better you can control your thoughts and be the person you want, sorta like driving a car some get it straight away and some need more lessons but at the end we all have the same licence.

Take Care,my little Lucy says hi too.

Wayne x

Confused feelings

Guest_2350 — Mon, 28 Dec 2015 09:49:50 GMT

Dear Mary & Wayne,

thank you for your replies. It really helps to see that I am not the only one.

Mary, I found it easier in previous times where people just naturally lost contact. They moved on, their numbers changed, they literally grew apart and it was ok. Nowadays people want to be friends with hundreds of people on facebook or other social media and I just don't want to. Some of these people have not commented for years and I do not see why they should be part of my life anymore. I think I struggle with that concept of being watched from the distance with little or no interaction.

I am sorry to hear that your xmas was difficult. How are you feeling now? Will it be a while before you have the next family function where you need to face your ex-husband?

Wayne, give little Lucy a pat for me.

What online program do you do at the moment? What is OBT please?

I am doing Mindspot at the moment and it is interesting and confronting to challenge my thoughts. It is the first time I am doing this and I had some insights into my own thinking. I believe it is hard work to change ingrained behaviours and believes. But I will continue to do the course and hopefully follow up with the psych on areas that I cannot tackle myself. Thank you for letting me know that there is progress possible!

How are you feeling today?

Take care, Yggy x

Confused feelings

Guest_4987 — Tue, 29 Dec 2015 01:13:48 GMT

Hi yggy,

So sorry about the misprint the OBT should have read CBT, must go and get them new reading glasses!

I am also doing the Mindspot thing, I find the more you work at your mental health the better things get so good on you for taking these steps you have embarked on.

I know what you mean about social media, I see lots of people I know who I worked with over many years but very, very few make contact, I refuse to let that worry me the reason i use Facebook is to keep in contact with loved ones and the rest are part of my history, i try hard to live in the present these days and it seems to work for me.

It is hand work to challenge the beliefs, behavioures and thoughts we have. It does work and it has got much easier over the years not perfect but what is. So keep at it my friend.

Wayne and Lucy. x

Confused feelings

White_Rose — Tue, 29 Dec 2015 05:04:17 GMT

Glad you explained your typo Wayne. I was beginning to think there we had a new Star Wars character came to save us.

I am not very savvy about social media. Am on FB but only so I can see what my daughters are doing here and my cousin and aunt in the UK. Keeps me in the loop.

I had a look at the Mindspot site but decided not take any of the courses. Good to know you find them useful. Good future reference.

Since I had the problem with the medication I have discovered how many people care about me and it is staggering. Also very scary because I don't know how to react. But there are folk who ask me, quite genuinely, how I am going and I feel honoured and touched.

Yggy, my next family function will be my granddaughter's birthday in three weeks. She will be six. It will be a party in the park with lunch or a/tea provided. Possibly the men will cook a BBQ. I can stay away from him and talk to the others. At least another gathering in April, possibly two depending on that granddaughter's decision. I generally manage without too much damage to myself. My GP suggested I tell the family that I will not attend if he is there. Can't do that, possibly because I would scared they would choose him. Also because it means forcing them to choose and that's not fair.

Mary

Confused feelings

Guest_2350 — Tue, 29 Dec 2015 07:18:58 GMT

Hi Mary,

I do find Mindspot helpful, but remember for me this is all still new - I am actually amazed and sometimes horrified about what I learn about myself and how I treat myself. On the other hand there are areas that I am uncovering where I will need a lot of help in one on one sessions. I also like that there is someone I can talk to and email when I get stuck.

You are such a strong and amazing person! For your family it is great that you keep them together and not make them choose, not because I think there might be the possibility for them to not choose you, but because they can continue to see their version of their Dad. My granddad was an alcoholic and a mean person, but he was wonderful with me and I loved him dearly. I enjoyed being with him and he was never mean to me. Sometimes I wish people would not have told me about the dark side & hell everyone but us grandkids had to go through. I am not telling you that your husband might be good with your kids or grandkids, but just to let you know why I say something incredible like this, why I think you are being brave by pulling through with this. But on the other hand I am wondering if you can get some support in your family. My mum and her siblings were on my grandmas side and tried to make her life as easy as possible - my grandparents actually did not split until just before my granddad died. Can you find ways that you do not have to suffer as much? That you can get some "time off" when you have events together?

Mary, you are a special and I give you a big hug x

Confused feelings

Guest_2350 — Fri, 01 Jan 2016 06:05:05 GMT

Hi Wayne,

how are you getting on with Mindspot this week? I found it nice to think about things I enjoy instead of unhelpful thoughts. Have you done anything like this before? For me it is so much information to take in, I have to continuously work through the information provided and am not even touching the additional material. It is a lot of hard work and there is a lot I leave untouched at the moment as I am not confident to tackle it on my own. I like that it is all written down and I can go back and read it again. I am so slow with understanding what they are trying to say and I do forget a lot - I have never been like this, but my attention span and memory has suffered significantly.

Happy New Year to you and Lucy, Yggy x

Confused feelings

White_Rose — Fri, 01 Jan 2016 06:38:44 GMT

Hello Yggy

Yes, learning about yourself can be a scary process. One of the problems you have identified is remembering all the information. Depression does make it harder to absorb and retain information, especially complex information such as your Mindspot stuff. Small bites at a time works best. Give yourself a small target and work on that. Then get up and walk away, do something different, preferably something active, then go back again. You will retain the knowledge more easily and be able to access it more quickly this way.

It's tempting to think you are on a roll or have a deadline and continue to work for long periods. It's official, Learning 101 says little and often is the way to go. And as you have noticed, you were never like this before. The Black Dog has a lot to answer for.

I think the answer about my ex is for me to learn how not to get upset. Probably need a refresher in CBT to allow me to walk down another path when he starts his niggling. Not just to ignore him and pretend it's not affecting me, but to really become immune to him. I cannot change him, only myself so that's where I need to concentrate my efforts. Having said that I am already panicking at the thought of all the work this will entail. Well I will be seeing a new psychologist soon and maybe that will help me to move on. Mind you, I am also nervous at the prospect of a new psych.

You have a great insight about the images we have of our parents and other family members. My maternal grandparents both died when I was about11-12 so I don't remember them a great deal. I thought my other grandparents were rather nice and I enjoyed visiting them. It was only when I got older that I began to understand the tensions in the family, but I will always see them as lovely people. So yes, sometimes it is good to keep our illusions.

I wish you and your family a fantastic 2016.

Mary

Confused feelings

Guest_4987 — Fri, 01 Jan 2016 07:28:41 GMT

Hi Yggy,

Been a bit quite on posting of late so happy new to you and all my friends on the forum, to be honest I have been struggling lately and have not been doing what is good for me. I have not eaten much for days now and still don't feel hungry, started smoking again (hate it)also isolating myself completely so I haven't been real happy at all.

To try and get back on track I have been looking hard at Mindspot this week but am finding it hard to apply myself,your right it is hard work but I am so much healthier and happier when I practice the suggested things,i'am so pleased that you have been thinking of things you enjoy rather than unhelpful thoughts as you may know thoughts turn into behaviours, at the moment i really need to think positively not in the negative which I have done for such a long time.

My memory has suffered too thats why I keep going over the Mindspot material, yggy I have been working on my mental health for quite some time know, when i lived in Sydney I was seeing a fantastic psych he was such a great help explaining things I which need to know, took me years to find him, I was so glad he came into my life.

Have you printed the DYI material? I thing it is useful to keep on hand if you need to revise stuff. Don't over do it trying to take to much in at once, just spread it out and read it at your own pace.

Lucy has been so hot lately we both can't wait till next week when we may get a cool change.

So pleased that you have been feeling better mate, keep at it.

Wayne and Lucy. xo

Confused feelings

Guest_2350 — Fri, 01 Jan 2016 10:34:25 GMT

Hi Wayne,

sorry to hear you are not in a good spot at the moment. I hate it when my mind gets stuck and I don't know how to get out of my own head. Can you try to eat a little, even if you are not hungry, so you can build up some energy? Even if you drink a few electolyte drinks that can help to keep you hydrated - especially now that it is hot. I find that when I don't get enough rest or am not eating properly I set myself up for a bad time.

As I used to smoke, I agree that smoking is not good for you, but I am not sure if it is so easy to stop if you are not in the right headspace. So please don't be so hard on yourself. Smoking is an addicition and it is not easy to stop. Have you talked to your GP about help to stop smoking? Have you talked to your psych about wanting to stop smoking?

I often isolate myself from the outside world and I am trying to break this. Every day I am making myself send at least a text message to someone (friendly, not work connected). Or you can keep in touch on the forum here - it does not need to be a long post, even popping into the cafe for a moment is a start. Remember we are all here for you.

With the homework this week I tried to remember things that I used to enjoy and I also tried too think about things my husband suggests to me. I have started making a list and I found this exercise so much nicer than dealing with my dark thinking. I also found it helpful to learn how the spiral can continue downwards if we don't act against it.

Good idea about printing the material. I need to still do this and it is much easier to highlight sections and write comments on the print outs. I am a bit worried that I will leave the course and have only started to scrape the surface, but it is all I can do at the moment. I might have to see what I can continue after. Challenging my thoughts in the way described set off a lot of symptoms and now I use slightly different questions. I wish I could find a good psychologist to help me with this in one-on-one sessions.

I hope Lucy & you will get a cool change soon! Give her a cuddle for me and pat the lambs.

Take care, Yggy x