topic I Don't Know What I'm Doing in Depression

I Don't Know What I'm Doing

Chicken_Wings — Thu, 19 Nov 2015 04:43:56 GMT

I've been dealing with depression & anxiety since 2000. This isn't new to me.

But every time I get into a real bout, I find myself floundering. Right now, I wake up every morning at about 5am with a huge weight on my chest. I know what it is and I know why it's there and it's not welcome. I try to do breathing exercises & relax so I can get that extra 2 hours before my alarm goes off. But most of the time my efforts are fruitless and I just toss and turn feeling horrible. I can only seem eat at dinner time which to me is a marker of my mood.

I've been going to work, but I haven't been able to bring myself to put on any makeup or even brush my hair. I just throw on some clothes and put my hair in a bun.I get there and I just feel miserable. I try to engage with people, but even whilst I'm talking to them I have these thoughts & feelings nagging away at me. I can barely do my work. I'm slower and less creative, which is bad because my job requires me to be creative.

This all stems from fear. I'm pretty much afraid of everything. I'm afraid of crowds, I'm afraid of new places. For a while I was afraid of food, I'm afraid I will fall apart when my dog dies. I'm afraid of getting sick, I'm afraid of other people getting sick, I'm afraid of losing people and not being in control and most of all I'm afraid of death.

My mother lives in the UK has cancer and I know she will not recover from it. I don't know how long she has, but I am absolutely petrified of losing her & I think that is the catalyst for this current recurrence of my anxiety & depression. I'm terrified of flying, but I know if I want to see her, I have to. But feeling the way I do is making it even harder. She has been my rock my entire life & the thought of a world without her in it leaves me feeling absolutely hopeless.

Today is the first day I just haven't been able to go to work. I woke up this morning and just couldn't face it. I actually thought I had a pretty good day yesterday & even felt hungry, until I got home & burst into tears for no real reason & started talking about death.

My partner is so understanding. He has depression also so knows this will pass, & so do I, I know this isn't forever. But right now, as I sit here, I have those same thoughts I have every time this happens "what if it doesn't go away this time?".

I don't know if I'm meant to ride this out, push it until it goes away, acknowledge it and work through it. I feel like I've done all these things before & it keep coming back.

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I Don't Know What I'm Doing

StefT — Thu, 19 Nov 2015 05:54:46 GMT

Hi Chicken Wings, you are going through a lot and thing are getting on top of you, yet you continue to go to work. Well done you are a strong person, working an involving creative career, props to you. It sounds like the fear of loosing your mum especially considering she is in another country is getting overwhelming. I hope you can see that this anxiety that you are feeling is temporary and will pass. Others can give better advice especially in the anxiety section. Good luck.

I Don't Know What I'm Doing

ci — Thu, 19 Nov 2015 06:28:03 GMT

Hi chicken wings

I hope your day is getting easier I have depression and ocd with panic disorder so I can understand what you say about fear my daily life revolves around fears and silly habits that I need to do and little nagging voice that doesn't leave me alone it can limit your life so much but fighting it is your best way forward. I am having good day today and feel like there is hope of getting past this last week seemed like an impossible task to get through another day. Days like today give me the energy to fight this thing.

I think it's important to give your body and mind a rest if you can take time off when days are bad watch movies and try and sleep it off can't fight it all the time but when you have those days of being ok make the most of them.

Do you see anyone or take meds you have been dealing with this for awhile sometimes a fresh view from a new doc could help. I am dealing with fear of food at the moment so I can relate to that.

Not sure if my ramble makes sense

I Don't Know What I'm Doing

Stormi71 — Thu, 19 Nov 2015 06:38:10 GMT

Hi chickenwings,

I just want to give you a virtual hug. I understand what you are going through. I often have all these thoughts about losing my husband or my children or my cat, and I also have this fear of death. So many fun things in life to do, but my immediate reaction is "I might die". I'm so sorry to hear about your mum. I lost my mum five years ago, and it was the worst thing in life I'd ever experienced...BUT...I got through it. I still miss her so much, but I can talk about her now without crying, and the memories make me smile instead of cry. I believe after our loved ones leave this planet, they are still there for you. Just when you need them the most, you will get a sign, and you will know what it is.

You are one strong woman. Even though work seems like an insurmountable effort, you still manage to go. You can get through this

I Don't Know What I'm Doing

Chicken_Wings — Thu, 19 Nov 2015 06:40:16 GMT

Hi Ci,

Your ramble makes sense.
I am on medication, I've been on the same medication and dose since 2000. I assume a review is probably a good idea, but I'm also scared to change it in case it makes things worse.

I have previously been to see a psychologist and she taught me mindfullness techniques which I try to use to calm myself and redirect my thoughts. But at the moment I just can't seem to catch myself.

I've been really good for a while and I really thought I had this thing nailed. I have up and down days, but I haven't experienced this level or relapse for a couple of years.
I'm flip flopping between just wanting to stay home and rest and try and be calm and thinking "no, go to work, you have to be strong and conquer this".

The embarrassment of looking weak and the potential to cry in front of other people plays a part too. I know I look like I'm not ok right now.

I Don't Know What I'm Doing

Chicken_Wings — Thu, 19 Nov 2015 06:59:03 GMT

thank you Stormi,

I feel understood and not judged on here and I can't tell you all how much that means.

I'm trying to talk to my dad at the moment but I don't think he really understands what this feels like or how to respond. So although his answers are considered and meaningful, they sort of miss the boat.

Meanwhile, mum is on my messenger chat and Im trying not to appear down because I don't want her to worry about me. When in all honesty, I just want to be able to tell her how scared I am.

I just wish I had a better answer for myself than knowing I have to wait for this to pass.

I Don't Know What I'm Doing

Chicken_Wings — Sat, 21 Nov 2015 06:17:24 GMT

Yesterday, I tried to go to work, but I just felt so anxious, I ended up going home by 9.30am.

I got home, lay down and pretty much slept all day.
I still didn't feel like eating or doing much to look after myself. I ended up chatting to a counselor from Beyond Blue online and then did some more sleeping.

But by the end of the day, I wasn't feeling quite as sad. I still had some intrusive thoughts and even when I was watching something silly and humorous on tv, I still had these thoughts in the back of my mind.

Today, I woke up feeling tense. That weight was still on my chest, but it's not quite as heavy. I've gotten some work done today. I still have these thoughts and I don't really want to go outside, although I did force myself to do a loop of the farmers market at the end of my street. The smell of food makes me feel sick and I'm twitching and fidgeting still. But I do feel slightly more connected to the world around me.

Is this what getting better feels like?

I Don't Know What I'm Doing

Bluey_moon — Sat, 21 Nov 2015 07:50:09 GMT

I know chicken wings that you don't want to upset your mum, and I understand why!

But can I ask you something? If you were really sick, would you not want people to confide in you anymore? Especially your own child? As a mum, I would always want my children to confide in me. Maybe it might be an opening for her to tell you how she is feeling too.

I don't know if this is the correct advice, it's just my opinion. And I totally understand you not wanting to burden her. Have you always confided in her previously?

Take care

I Don't Know What I'm Doing

Chicken_Wings — Sat, 21 Nov 2015 08:05:14 GMT

My mum has been my rock my whole life. She's been there for me through some pretty tough times and if she wasn't sick, she would be the first person I would turn to.

I make a point of asking her how she is and about her feelings when we talk. But I also know she doesn't want to dwell on the inevitable. She wants to be focus on the positives. So I am afraid that sharing my feelings of fear around her health will only cause her to feel bad and potentially even affect her health.

I've told her I'm in a bit of a bad place right now, that I'm "having one of my sad times". But I haven't gone into detail about it. She tells me to use the tools that I know work, that she knows I can beat this because I've done it before.

In some ways, this makes me even more sad because I know the worst time of my life is yet to come and the one person I will want to lean on won't be there to look after me.

I Don't Know What I'm Doing

Bluey_moon — Sat, 21 Nov 2015 08:12:57 GMT

Aw Chicken wings, I definatley get what you are saying and I hope I didn't upset you, because it totally wasn't my intention!

It is so good you have had such a wonderful lady as a mum, role model, and confidant! And I bet she is so proud of you!

If she believes you can beat it so do I!

It is also good you have such a supportive partner.

Just remember, when the hard time hits and she is no longer here in person, I believe she will always be with you in spirit, holding you up!

I'm sending you hugs! Remember to chat to us anytime you need!

Skye

I Don't Know What I'm Doing

Chicken_Wings — Sat, 21 Nov 2015 08:23:41 GMT

thank you Skye,

She is an incredible woman and I'm lucky to have her. I am basically a clone of my mum so I know that even when she is gone, when I laugh, I will hear her and when I look in the mirror or even in my own handwriting (which I copied from her!) she will be there too.

Don't worry about upsetting me, these are thoughts I'm having already, it's just nice to know someone is listening.

I Don't Know What I'm Doing

Bluey_moon — Sat, 21 Nov 2015 08:28:04 GMT

I'm pretty good a listening, so anytime you want to chat on here!

You indeed sound very blessed to be like your mum!

I Don't Know What I'm Doing

Chicken_Wings — Mon, 23 Nov 2015 04:21:18 GMT

So a little update.

I got a message from my boss this morning saying to stay home if I need to. Which in one way was good, but in another way was bad cause I just gave in to wanting to stay home & went back to sleep for a couple of hours.

I got up and actually had a shower, but I still have this disconnected feeling. I still have intrusive thoughts and I still don't feel like eating. My partner suggested I do some sweeping just to keep myself occupied for a bit. But after that, I just sat on the couch and dozed again. But I'm not even that tired any more so my dozing just turned into laying down with my eyes closed thinking all my thoughts.

Now I'm up again. I feel a bit dizzy, I think that is from not really eating for about a week. My vision is feeling a bit funny, but again, I haven't eaten and I've been spending most of my time with my eyes closed.

But now I'm thinking about all the things that could be medically wrong with me.

I just want to be able to eat.

I Don't Know What I'm Doing

Bluey_moon — Mon, 23 Nov 2015 07:56:35 GMT

Oh Chicken wings,

You've had a rough time haven't you!

Do you think going back to work will help, keep you occupied and all?

What are your favourite foods, something you really, really like? That could tempt you? Do you like cooking shows, they often tempt me to it! Seriously though, you need to try and eat, you need to be healthy to deal with everything! You could even give some protein shakes a go?

Please don't go down the path about worrying about what you might have, and for the love of it, don't google, it's not a path to go down, I've done it, I know! You sound like you already know what's causing these issues!

Are you seeing someone? A gp, councillor or something? Might it help to give that a go?

My thoughts are with you!

I Don't Know What I'm Doing

Bluey_moon — Mon, 23 Nov 2015 23:22:28 GMT

Try not to stress so much about what could be wrong with you and please, please don't google, I know from experience that is not a path you want to go down. And deep down I think you know, like you said that lack of food and laying down to much could very well be what is causing you to feel that way.

Congrats to you for getting up to have a shower and sweeping. Be kind to yourself, they are little steps and you can work your way up to bigger things.

The intrusive thoughts are not fun are they. I only started suffering them this year and they are fair awful but you got this remember that. And at the end of the day, they are just that, thoughts, they don't deserve the attention we pay to them.

i really hope you are able to eat something today, even some thing little! Ps: I'm craving vanilla lattes and mud cake!

I hope today is a good day!

Skye

I Don't Know What I'm Doing

Chicken_Wings — Tue, 24 Nov 2015 08:50:33 GMT

Well I resisted Dr Google.

I have a GP and I'm on my meds. I'm sticking to the plan, I'm just having a hiccup. That's what I'm calling it. I've been to a psych before and did the whole Mental Health Plan thing and it was great. I'm using the tools I learnt then at the moment.

Last night, I brushed my hair. That was an effort, when you haven't brushed your hair for over a week and it's been washed and put straight back in a bun!

No food yet today, but I had some success last night so I'm just going to assume I will eat a little again tonight.

You guys are great.

I Don't Know What I'm Doing

persistence — Tue, 24 Nov 2015 09:49:55 GMT

I totally get where your coming from. I've been on medication for over 2 years and I still get times (more often than not) when my mind starts racing and I can't look forward to the next hour,let alone the next day.

im actually having one of those weeks this week.However people like you and I cannot let this get the better of us!!..we have come too far to get to where we are at the moment...SURVIVING!!

rest assure that it will pass.if your sleeping too much don't feel guilty just go with it,perhaps your body needs to sleep.

think of things that make u happy and just do them..anything at all..at least it's a start.

i wish u all the best and remember ur not alone..we are all here to listen.

PS..I always find that meditation or watching a Disney movie helps me sometimes.

xxxx

I Don't Know What I'm Doing

Kazzl — Tue, 24 Nov 2015 10:14:05 GMT

Hi, I'm new to posting here so I hope I'm not intruding. Chicken Wings (great name btw) I just wanted to send you a hug and strength. I agree with Persistance about sleeping. I know some people (my doctor included) say you should try to stay active and not sleep too much, but for me sleep is healing. It's really the only thing that works when I need to block everything out or stop my mind racing. (Non-practicing alcoholic, so booze isn't an option). I'm lucky in that sleeping is one thing I'm very good at!

Be kind to yourself, try to accept that you need time and take it, and in time it will pass. It WILL pass. Very best wishes to you.

I Don't Know What I'm Doing

Chicken_Wings — Tue, 24 Nov 2015 10:32:21 GMT

thanks Persistence and Kazzl,

I was just sitting her ruminating a little and letting some of those thoughts creep back and getting a little anxious to be honest.

I think I did pretty good today but I walked in the front door and it took about 2 minutes for me to cry. I'm having the same worries again tonight with a few new ones for good measure including worry about what the inside of my own mouth tastes like! who worries about that!

I Don't Know What I'm Doing

Kazzl — Tue, 24 Nov 2015 10:57:37 GMT

Well, I worry about that too! But then, I'm a smoker, so it doesn't taste good in there.

I think the thing to try and focus on is what you said first - you did pretty good today. Well done. Maybe think about what went well, when did you feel you did good? Remember how that felt.

Cry if you need too though. I find crying is a release sometimes, even though it's exhausting.

Does distraction work for you? A book, a movie, crossword? It does for me sometimes, to break the cycle of thoughts.

It's getting late, so maybe a sleep will help. I hope so Chicken. Hugs to you.