topic I am lost in Depression

I am lost

Gloria — Thu, 09 Jul 2015 15:55:23 GMT

Don't know where to turn. Feeling isolated and am putting on a brave face for family and work. Have tried to talk to my partner. - who doesnt believe in depression, his advice get over it and stop worrying. Have huge regrets about leaving a job I loved but that was 3 years ago. I work in management with a difficult team and intense deadlines. I feel sick in the stomach as I pull into work. Just turned 50 and have made constant poor choices and achieved little. I know this is very ungrateful of me but it is how I see myself. To top it off I am not sleeping. The anxiety is constant but be is at its worse after miidnight where my heart is racing and pounding. Can't see my GP ... Too ashamed and very embarrassed .

I am lost

geoff — Fri, 10 Jul 2015 03:15:14 GMT

dear Gloria, I had replied to your post a couple of hours ago and it had said that it had gone through, but it hasn't appeared as such, which I am really sorry about, but I will wait until the morning, as I didn't say anything that shouldn't have said I don't believe, but it was a post that I spent a bit of time in what I had to say.

Let's hope it appears. L Geoff. x

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Gloria — Sat, 11 Jul 2015 09:22:32 GMT

Looking forward to reading this as you were correct - it didn't go through. Sorry for typing errors. A late night message. Also it all sounds rather pathetic I know but I am sooo tired of putting on the face. Thanks for the reply - Gloria

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White_Rose — Sat, 11 Jul 2015 11:50:38 GMT

Dear Gloria

Hello and welcome to Beyond Blue. It is good that you have found your way here and been able to write your story. Thank you.

I am sad that you are feeling so wretched and confused. I have frequently commented that depression, AKA the Black Dog, is a sneaky beast that gets into our brains and messes with our thinking. The good thing about writing here is that we all understand how you feel, having had similar experiences ourselves.

Fist of all can I suggest that you explore this site and read all you can about depression. Go to the top of the page and click on the blue tabs, especially Get Support, The Facts, and Resources. Lots of information and suggestions there. BB will post any of this information to you. There is also information for family and friends which may be useful for your husband.

Also read the other posts under Depression and Anxiety. Join in the conversations if you feel you can. When offering help to others we often give ourselves solutions or learn from the experiences of others. If you find the day particularly stressful then phone Beyond Blue on the 24/7 helpline. The number is 1300 22 4636 or use the Chat Online contact. Just click on Web chat above.

I am sorry you feel unable to see your GP. If you feel uncomfortable because he/she knows you then go to someone else. Scroll down to the bottom of the page and click on Find a Professional. There is a long list of GPs experienced in mental health issues and the list is searchable by postcode. Do not be put off by feelings of shame. Any decent GP will understand your feelings and will help you. Be as open and honest as possible. There is no shame to this.

One of the more common traits of people with depression is to blame themselves for what is happening. Not valid. The Black Dog will bite anyone and has no preference for age, gender, social standing, occupation, or any other attribute. Your husband's attitude is common. So few people, other than those directly affected, have much knowledge about depression. Being told to "get over it" is not helpful and I suspect it has added to your doubts about yourself. Be assured, it is a real illness experienced by many, many people.

And this is the point. It is just as much an illness as measles, diabetes, heart conditions and broken limbs. Once you can accept that it will make it easier to get help.

I look forward to hearing from you again. I'm sure Geoff will also write in again to you.

Mary

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Narniakid — Sat, 11 Jul 2015 12:13:47 GMT

Hi Gloria!

Welcome to the forum and well done on sharing your story, I am sorry to hear you are feeling so down. What I firstly suggest is reading up on the resources on depression here on the website, and calling the hotline.

It's a shame your partner is not acting as a supportive figure during this tough time, and therefore I urge you to visit your GP who will be able to find the root of your problem and refer you to a suitable psychologist. I can't stress how important it is to have a solid support network, and a psychologist is a good one in your case. Don't be embarrassed! They are there to help you! And if you don't seek help, you won't be able to get rid of your anxiety. There is absolutely nothing to be ashamed about - depression and anxiety are not character flaws, they are simply chemical imbalances in the brain.

I recommend using breathing exercises when you are feeling really anxious, and also try some herbal sleeping tablets (try the brand 'Nature's Own') to help you at night, as well as some light reading before bed.

I'd also refer your partner to the resources for caring for people with depression and anxiety, that you can find here on the website as well, as it sounds like he's a little in denial and does not understand what you're feeling.

Anxiety thrives on avoidance, and negative thoughts are just reactions to fear. It gets better, but it's up to you! You've taken the first step to recovery, acknowledging and accepting the problem, now take a trip to see your GP!

Good luck!

Crystal

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Gloria — Sat, 11 Jul 2015 13:38:14 GMT

Thanks for the replies. I know I need to do something and this is the first step. It does help to know others have felt this way too. It does all feel overwhelming but I really know this will not just go away. It has been a slow build and after some stressful events - I have slipped into a way of thinking and coping that gets me through the day ( really I am the master of appearing OK) but ultimately this approach makes me feel more disconnected than ever. I can hardly remember the person I once was ... and to me that is the saddest part of all of this. The logical part of me can see how irrational this all sounds. I really don't understand why I feel embarrassed ... I fear that to admit To anyione that I am not coping will take away my last coping strategy. Which I can see is not working that well anyway. Avoidance and denial have been a default position for a very long time

I suppose logically by posting this I have already started the process ...

In a very small way, it is a move in the right direction.

thanks again

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Gloria — Sat, 11 Jul 2015 13:40:27 GMT

Hi I am not sure exactly how these threads work but I did reply below. I just wanted to thank you for your kind response.

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Gloria — Sat, 11 Jul 2015 13:43:37 GMT

Thanks for this. I have already replied just hoping it goes through. Much appreciated.

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geoff — Sat, 11 Jul 2015 20:15:18 GMT

dear Gloria, let's try again and very sorry that this happened and it shouldn't have, but it's not the first time either.

Can I just thank you for coming to the site, and the second try is never the same as the first, but here goes.

I feel as though you must have felt extremely worried about what sort of responses you would get when posting, or maybe feel silly by posting any comment, but please there is no reason that you should be fearful or ashamed at any point, and I say this simply because when your partner doesn't believe what you have to say and whatever you do say anything to him, he dismisses it as baloney, so that's why I think that you may have been a bit tentative, but pleased you have.

Depression was considered to be taboo many years ago, but now it's a common topic of discussion, maybe not so much in the public fraternity who don't want to talk it, but in the profession and to others who have suffered from it themselves.

When work is not what you to do or if you are under too much pressure this then creates a large problem for you, not only at work but also at home and when you live with someone who won't support you, then it all builds up where you begin to break down and unfortunately this where you are now, I'm sorry to say.

We all make 'poor choices' and then 'achieve little' and it doesn't matter whether your 50 and boy that's young compared to me, but that's how we learn, and personally what I lost when I became depressed I always thought would never happen, but that's not important, but yes it is disappointing, and even some consoling doesn't help, but what it does is that it makes someone else understand your worry and concern.

Sorry but this isn't like my first post and I'm running out of characters.

Doctors have a large amount of patients who are dealing with depression of any type, because everytime I go into my pharmacy most scripts have AD's in them,plus my GP confirms this as well, as he and I can quiet frankly and open to each other.

They are there to help you and won't dismiss your claims of how you feel, which is totally different to what your partner says, and for no one to believe you does a lot of damage, trust and respect, which they even realise.

I have to end now, but will continue after your reply.

Thanks for coming to us. L Geoff. x

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Gloria — Sat, 11 Jul 2015 23:51:43 GMT

Thanks for persevering. It does help to know others have felt like this. About to embark on a big project at work so I know his could be a stressful time. I am trying to reframe my thinking and stop feeling that one small mistake is a catastrophe. That constant turning issues over and over is TOTALLY exhausting ... I am sure this is happening because I have tried to "fake it" for so long.

it is strange this crippling fear. I can rationalise but can't change the feelings.

the replies have meant a lot and this feels like a first safe step.

thanks

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geoff — Sun, 12 Jul 2015 01:02:02 GMT

dear Gloria, I don't seem to have any luck in replying back to you, as my reply after yours has been lost, which is it's all my fault this time and not the system.

I will try again later on, and there are sites on the net you could look up on how to cope with this crippling fear and then being able to 'rationalise but can't change the feelings', and this is where your emotions come into it, and you are no different to anyone else.

I wonder whether your partner accepts all the pressure you have been under, and that this could well and truly change on how you think.

He should appreciate what you have to cope with at work and then flows on to your home life, but then he doesn't understand what depression can do, so I wonder whether his mind has just closed off to anything except what he wants.

I am so sorry as my reply was to give you confidence plus an understanding of where you are standing as to know what is a problem for someone else is a huge bonus. L Geoff. x

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Gloria — Sun, 12 Jul 2015 06:05:14 GMT

Hi Geoff,

Still feeling down today but forced myself to go out and have a coffee ( know probably not the best for someone experiencing anxiety) . Really dreading work tomorrow but trying to calm down enough to catch on some work now. I know I need to try to explain my situation to my husband, perhaps I might get him to look at the BB site. I think it is so difficult for him to understand because he works in a similar field to me and he is the most balanced and calm person I know. I feel in many ways I have been a disappointment to him ( I don't come from the most functional family) and this kind of issue would confirm that. The issues I have at work another reminder of my inability to cope. I have 2 really adorable teenage children - who give me perspective and lift my spirits. And writing on this forum kind of helps too.

Thanks g

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White_Rose — Sun, 12 Jul 2015 11:24:57 GMT

Dear Gloria

There are lots of pluses in having a calm and balanced husband, especially when you are not calm. There are also downsides, such as husband not understanding how your feelings can be up and down and cause so much distress. I doubt you are a disappointment to him. He may be frustrated because he cannot understand how or why you feel the way you do, so educate him with BB information.

"Faking it" is a common coping mechanism for people with depression. We put on a mask when we go to work or another function, and even at home with our families. The reasons vary from being ashamed of how we feel, not wanting to upset or worry the family, uncertainty about what to do and being afraid of the outcome. I'm sure there are heaps of other reasons.

It takes huge amount of energy to maintain this mask, energy that would be more constructively used to get well. So gather up your courage and make an appointment with your GP. Be as open as possible. Your doctor will be able to help. Not sleeping is contributing in a huge way to your anxiety as your brain does not get to rest and recharge. This is essential for your mental well-being.

I think if we were all to go back over our lives we would find heaps of wrong decisions. Some of them have had a significant impact on our lives, both good and bad. If only I had or had not done such and such is a common refrain for everyone. In reality, if you had made a different choice the outcome may have been disastrous. You will never know. So concentrate on what is rather than on what might have been.

I know it's easy to berate yourself for what you perceive are poor decisions. But the time for this has gone. You are here now and in this situation. I understand what you are saying as I have done exactly the same as you and still catch myself wishing I had managed differently. Focus on your needs now and leave the past where it belongs, in the past.

One of my poor decisions is to tell others what to do. So only use those of my suggestions that you feel comfortable with. Love to hear from you again.

Mary

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Gloria — Sun, 12 Jul 2015 13:16:40 GMT

Thank you Mary, Geoff and crystal .. I have read your replies and they have helped. I can see that I need to seek some support. I have been thinking a lot today and I have decided to really challenge my self doubt which always creeps in. I know tomorrow will be a big day with a lot happening at work ... going through this site and reading lots of other stories makes me realise that I have let a stressful job be the final straw. I read somewhere that anxiety loves avoidance .. Yes that's me. I know I have been like this a very long time and the fear comes from the escalation in how sad and scared I feel. Big life events are hard for me and with each set back I seem to take longer and longer to come back to a clear way of thinking. Is this normal? I think there is probably no normal. I have checked my schedule for the week and can see a time where I can see someone. Can't face my GP but will go to the list here. Then I will talk to husband - very worried about this too. Not sure why. I will check in after I make my appointment cause knowing me I will try to avoid this as the date approaches .. I will keep deep breathing and have found some relaxation stuff on line and I will go to bed before 12 tonight. Thanks to all of you Gloria

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Narniakid — Sun, 12 Jul 2015 13:25:13 GMT

Hi Gloria!

Thank you for your reply, and glad to hear you've found our advice helpful. Definitely don't feel embarrassed or ashamed to seek advice - confidence grows from taking action, and you've taken the first step: coming on these forums for help!

And let me tell you, it is perfectly normal to feel scared and anxious regarding big life events - they wouldn't be big events if you didn't! The way I try to overcome my anxiety for things like that is telling myself that if I am anxious, it means I care about it and it's important to me. When you find yourself feeling like that, try to twist it into a positive, because after all, the anxious and depressed thoughts are just opposing reactions to all the good ones!

Let us know how your appointment goes. I believe it you Gloria! 🙂

Crystal

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geoff — Mon, 13 Jul 2015 00:55:05 GMT

dear Gloria, hi and I'll try back again, but this time I'm typing my reply in a different section so that it can't be lost, fingers crossed, because you seem to be going through by yourself, and I know that your daughters are a great help to you, but there are dark little secrets and that maybe too strong to use, that we all seem to keep to ourselves, and there is no harm what so ever in doing this, but these are the real problems mounted onto all the others, that should be looked at.I am in no way asking you to reveil any of these unless you want to, but when something does go wrong we feel as though it's our own fault, this maybe true but on the other hand there could be consequences that were unpreventable and possibly caused by management by cutting costs etc, but to others it appears as though it was caused by you/me or anyone else, so it's then hard to try and get any bad stigma that could be attached to us.There is a quote from a site which I have asked to comment on along with other members, and it says 'that people suffering believe that the stigma and discrimination from other people is actually worse than their own mental health'.So perhaps that's what so many people are thinking and then worried about as JoBlow says to every one that 'did you know that Maryloo has depression', and then the rumours spread.You are dreading which could be today, but try and break down the steps that you need to do to get to the top so that it can be accomplished because they have chosen you, because you are more qualified and the experience that you have learnt excels from other people, and remember this is entirely different to what is happening at home, I know you still think of it, but this will interfere in finishing the job at hand.Problems will happen and perhaps you are there to find these problems so that they can be rectified, I don't know.

It is so sad that you feel that you maybe a disappointment to your husband, but two who are married have similar tastes etc when they are first married, but along the way as we grow older our tastes change, like he may want to go to play golf ( just a suggestion )while you and your teenages/friends go to a market, initially at first you would both do the same thing, but as time progresses it doesn't happen any more.Gloria you sound as though you just want someone at home who you want to talk to, and to me you sound as though your a lovely lady at heart, just feel a bit lost.You do have an enormous task at hand and if only you could share it with someone else.I do hope that will let us know what is happening. L Geoff. x

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Gloria — Mon, 13 Jul 2015 12:41:44 GMT

Thank you all for the replies. I actually found it quite useful to re-read them during the day. It was a busy day as I have a tricky colleague who is quick to pass work over to me. A powerful and manipulative player, someone who has worked in the organisation for 20 years. I have been there for 3 and have been used ( manipulated) more than once. Today with your advice in my pocket (my phone) and told a good and trusted mate at work that I was having a difficult time with my " sensitive emotions" - could' nt use the d word. But I am thinking of baby steps. I haven't made my appointment with a GP, working up to that. I would like to talk to my husband first. How can I explain these feelings to someone with no frame of reference? It is relieving to know that you have some concept of what this feels like. That disconnected, sad and even sickening feeling. Very difficult to explain this. For me it comes in "waves" throughout the day or in stressful moments - boom I am in it. ..so writing this helps. I feel like I am making a plan. I bought some " sleep tea" today and my mantra is " be kind". Thanks so much for your wise, wise words. You have given me something to hang onto.

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geoff — Mon, 13 Jul 2015 19:33:37 GMT

dear Gloria, I hope that I am not annoying you by replying all the time, but being on the outside I can see something that is improving, which probably you can't see yourself, and that's completely understandable.

Now this is going to be a very difficult comment that would seem to be impossible to do, but there could be a solution, and that's know what or assume (which I don't like using this word as it's too general) that you expect this person is going to give you to do, and if so then you could have a solution which you can give her in retaliation.

It's always good to have a close friend who you can talk to, and I agree with you in not using the depression word, because if some how it could get back to this manipulative person and then your situation would then become unbearable.

Your getting there, but what about saying to your husband that you have been given a really difficult task at work with this manipulative person watching with hawk eyes and doesn't give me much latitude to work with.

His answer will give you a clear indication of where you stand with him, and if he doesn't respond favourable, then talking about depression is going to be a hard call, and certainly not fair for you.

Alternatively you could ask him how he feel when something he loves doing or (suggestion)if his football team loses or keeps losing, and then relate this back to how you are feeling.

When any of us live with a person, either partner or spouse who doesn't know or not interested in of how we actually feel and doesn't want to know, then there are problems, and I'm not suggesting this at all, but what it does mean that when we feel upset/sad and need to talk to them, and they are not responsive, we are then left on our own, and again this where deep problems begin to happen. L Geoff. x

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Gloria — Tue, 14 Jul 2015 06:21:10 GMT

Hi Geoff thanks for your replies I really do appreciate them ... I hope I am not appearing too needy or taking too much time - there are lots of people on these forums and quite a bit of sadness and also many people

who are echoing the same fears as me - I feel really, really tired today and have yet to make my appointment ... I know I need to do this as a priority but well no excuse really. I like your suggestion of mentioning to my husband the stresses I am under at work, I have a bit of a reputation for being over sensitive so the work issue will not surprise him.. But this could be a good way to start the conversation. Your idea about the work colleague - good to. I know it all sounds trivial and really when I look at it - well it's just silly. Can't talk to husband - we have been together 27 years!!! Can't manage a manipulative colleague and believe me I have worked with these political players before. Sorry for the negativity - just so exhausted I had to stop on the way home from work to just sit in the car. You have been very kind with your advice ... And I am not good at articulating myself at the moment. The plan for tonight - I will think of some good replies for the madam at work , try to flip my thinking on my husbands potential response because as usual I overthinking everything and confusing myself in the process. Trying to stick with the "be kind" mantra.

thanks again g

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Gloria — Thu, 16 Jul 2015 07:52:30 GMT

Hi Geoff I have written a post but it didn't pop up so if there are so there maybe lots of posts ... Sorry. Had a tough day at work and a gruelling meeting. Miss madam manipulator hijacked the meeting and bought a friend a long ... Long story short I think I was calm and composed but afterward in a quiet place a mess. Felt very unwell. I have found a GP nearby on this site .. Have yet to make the appointment but at least I have a phone number. Writing on This forum is really helping and reading other stories is humbling. I tried to talk to husband explaining that work is pressured and I am not coping ... He suggested that I take things too personally.... I suppose I do. The sleep tea is helping me get to sleep but I wake early with those waves of anxiety ... I find that by reading the other stories here it is easy to empathise with others ... why is it so hard to apply those same thoughts to ones self to oneself. I always feel so incapable, hopeless. Having a critical collegue becomes the final straw. I used to love my work and feel I did it well.

Deep breathing really helped today and when I got home I relaxed for a few minutes before starting dinner. the panic has eased off even though I feel really numb and almost like a fraud. I know I need to see that GP ... I have valued your wise insights they have really helped. I was wondering if you had any thoughts about how to start the conversation with the GP ... I want to go to a new doctor .. Is this a bad thing/ inappropriate? I just feel I can't see my family doctor toooo embarrassed. Have "acted" for too long. What would he think of me?? I know you are very generous with your time and please reply when you can. Looking forward to hearing from you because it makes a difference to me. G