topic Better, but not in Depression

Better, but not

Hopefullseeking — Mon, 22 Feb 2016 00:04:23 GMT

Hi all, me agian.

I have been seeing a psychologist for the past 12 months as well as my normal psychiatrist, (she felt her alone was not enough) and have made improvements. but.

I feel at times that I am not getting anywhere. Yesterday was a typical example. I met two friends for lunch and it went well, I felt ok and was able to enter into the conversation rather than sit back and say nothing, which I use to do. I cracked jokes and the others laughed so that made me feel good to.

Then I went home and feel flat, I was teary, panicy and felt hopeless about my recovery. (I love my little flat and my cat so being home is not the problem and I do like my own company). I seem to have come some distance towards recovery which hasn't happened in many, many years.

I feel like there is something wrong with me.

Do others go up and down like this in one day? I suppose I want to know if I am alone in this or is it normal.

Thanks BBers

Anne

Better, but not

ci — Mon, 22 Feb 2016 00:45:39 GMT

Hi hopefullseeking you are not alone and it's totally normal to go up and down.

I'm in the same phase of recovery as you its frustrating you just want to be better! Try not to push yourself I'm currently trying to learn to accept my bad times and be greatfull for the good. I've had very up and down Rollercoaster weekend so I'm sitting with my daughter on the couch trying to be kind to myself today. Normally I'd be trying to push through it and getting angry that I feel so flat. But honestly it makes me feel worse. Maybe try and accept the flat bad times and see if it helps worth a try

Better, but not

white knight — Mon, 22 Feb 2016 00:51:01 GMT

Hi Anne,

Thankyou for sharing this. It is so common I think.

When I leave an environment whereby I've chatted a lot and my mania goes over the top, I feel guilt. Did they think I was drunk (which has been said before) or smoking something I shouldn't have etc. Then the paranoia sets in. "Why haven't they rang me in the last few days...maybe they want to stand clear"?

What I do now ifs if I'm feeling that way I seek clarity. I give them, or one person a quick call. Just chat and often ask them how they feel in a general reaching out fashion. "And are you managing your problem with your son ok now"? This not only allows you to find out if they have lingering feelings about your last meeting, it allows you to reach out to a friend, which as you know is a good thing to do.

Another factor is environment change. You said you like your flat and your cat. But, it is still a change from the rowdy environment of a café or even just 2 other people. It's 'silence'!!! With silence and boredom I tend to over analyse things. Then y issues begin.

Finally, medication can wear off later in the day. This happened to me with mood stabilisers. Now I take them half morning and half evening as my Dr suggested.

Hope this helps. Love your input here Anne

Tony WK

Better, but not

Hopefullseeking — Mon, 22 Feb 2016 01:05:18 GMT

Thank you ci and Tony,

I don't feel so bad now, but it still bothers me.

How do you explain to your friends and family? I don't as it happens when I am home alone so don't want to bother anyone.

I have had depression all my life and I guess at 61 I have had enough. I am better than 12 months ago but that isn't enough. I want to feel ok all the time and I know that is unrealistic, even for non-depressive people they have good and bad times.

I know I have to be patient and work hard at recovery but that in itself brings me down, I think I am hard on myself but I am sure I am not alone there.

I just want to be like my friends, is that unrealistic?

Better, but not

Guest_1055 — Mon, 22 Feb 2016 01:10:45 GMT

Hi Anne

You are not alone in this up and down thing. So please feel reassured of that. No way you are definitely not alone.....

It is good you could got out and enjoyed time with some friends. So I guess that is the up. I am not quite sure about this, but I think it would be a good idea to be thankful for the ups. Just like ci suggested . Even start writing a list of the thankfuls and sticking it somewhere where you will see it. So you could write....I am thankful that I was OK and could have a conversation with my friends. You could even write that you are thankful that you have a friend. Maybe you already are doing this....I don't know???

Anyway I care about you and I can see you like cats. Is that your kitty on the cup in the picture there?

I would like to give you a hug, if you like that sort of thing.......I do.

Shell xx

Better, but not

Hopefullseeking — Mon, 22 Feb 2016 01:26:49 GMT

Hi Shelley,

Thank you for such a reassuring post.

I should be thankful for the ups, I guess I have spent so long being down that I forget to be grateful for the good times. When I was at home and on the verge of whatever I was going through I did think and try to remind myself that I had, had a nice lunch and I did feel ok.

I guess I get frustrated that one minute I can feel ok and the next be on the verge of tears, panic etc. I just want to be better, feel better, be normal as I see it.

Sorry I am rambling again.

Shelley, the cats on the cups are not my cat, I brought those cups because of the pictures of cats on them. I really liked them so brought them. I am an animal lover but at the moment as I live in a small unit and cat is the right animal for me. My cat is a rescue cat, he and his sister where found abandoned as newborns and were hand raised by a vet nurse, he has never been outside and is very much at home in my unit with all the toys and stuff I provide him. He is often my saviour too.

Hugs

Anne

Better, but not

white knight — Mon, 22 Feb 2016 01:27:09 GMT

Hi Anne

I agree with Shell, you are not alone and this forum is exactly what its for so keep going and keep posting.

You are right in that those without depression have ups and downs. Without psycho-analysing you at all, perhaps you haven't been able to take the initial step of accepting your illness fully. In my case I had to go through that process fully to accept it before I could move on to greener pastures.

Accepting our depression...I covered that in a thread (google it) "Topic: depressions- a ship on the high seas" a metaphor for people like us.

In another thread "Topic: the frog and the scorpion- beyondblue" it depicts the topic of our nature. We are an individual and unless identical twins there is no one the same as us. Our nature is our nature and we can mould it a little but somethings about us we cannot change. I believe the secret is to - 1/ change ourselves as much as we can within reasonable limits to better ourselves and learn to cope and 2/ then work on the low confidence aspect.

In my thread "Topic: you are sliding, what can you do- beyondblue" there might be points that you could adopt.

I know when I arrive home after a social gathering I feel flat. I recognise this straight away now and I take our dog for a walk. If still feeling unwell I'll visit a café for a cuppa and often bump into locals for another chat. Then when I arrive home I'm amazed at how better I feel. It's like I didn't get enough socialising in the first instance.

Sometimes I wished my brain would just speak up with what it needed!!

Tony WK

Better, but not

Hopefullseeking — Mon, 22 Feb 2016 01:50:45 GMT

Hi Tony,

I thought I had accepted my depression but may be I haven't. I have told my family now, my 4 brothers are scattered with two overseas and two interstate. They all know now so I feel good about bringing it out in the open. By doing that I thought I had accepted this is who I am.

I have also come to the realisation that I have to take each day as it comes, this is hard.

I spent a lot of my childhood and the whole of my 14 year marriage and a few years after, being abused (not asking for sympathy just explaining) so have lived a lot of my life without control but now I am in control of the what, where and why of my life which is fantastic. Love it. However in some small way I don't have control as I am now under the control of the depression, anxiety, PTSD to some degree. I do all that my shrinks ask of me and put all their strategies in place but sometimes even that doesn't seem enough.

I thought I had acceptance is what I am trying to say but Tony you have made me question that, so thank you, it might be a good topic for my psychologist.

Anyway I had better get on with my volunteering rather than spending all of my time on the computer. lol

Hugs

Anne

Better, but not

Hopefullseeking — Wed, 16 Mar 2016 05:30:57 GMT

Feel like I am slipping again down into the black hole of depression. I can't get a foot or hand hole to climb back out again.

l saw my psychologist yesterday and she said l have come a long way and it is important to acknowledge that

. So l have made a list of the positives on my road to recovery that have happened in the last year. I know l have made big steps but feel down at the moment and it scares me, feel alone and feel like l am going backwards.

I saw my shrink two weeks ago and she halved one of my antidepressants

. I don't know if that is the reason or l am just on a downer.

l work so hard on my recovery but right now l feel tired and defeated.

Thanks for listening

Anne

Better, but not

pipsy — Wed, 16 Mar 2016 06:13:11 GMT

Hi hopefullseeking. I would say your shrink is pleased with the progress you seem to be making so she halved your dose. It will take time for you to adjust to a lesser dose. Instead of allowing yourself to go down that hole again, (once you get down, the climb up is hard). Look at the list of positives steps you have made in the past year. You've just finished a beautiful patio, you have your cat to share it with you. You are on your own at the moment and that's a scary place to be. Can you go for a walk somewhere, enjoy the scenery around you. I know that seems Mission Impossible, but it needn't be. As I said to you in an earlier post, the depression controls you because you feel you have no other outlet for your black mood. You do, write down why you feel the blackness closing in. Is it because you're scared your lesser dose of AD's mightn't be as strong, they won't - yet, but you will adjust. If after a couple of weeks you still feel as bad, ask if your original dose can be re-introduced as you feel unable to cope yet. Try and mentally walk away from the blackness. I know it seems easier said than done, but, anything worth having is worth fighting for. Your peace of mind, freedom from blackness is worth fighting for. The strategies your shrink gave you for help is working, actually. If you were still as emotionally depressed as you were, your shrink wouldn't have lessened your dose. You are not in the abusive situation you were in, getting out of that took strength, congrats for that. The PTSD is part of the recovery from what you went through. Returned servicemen go through the same. Look on your journey as recovering from a traumatic situation. The trauma has gone, bad memories are just bad memories, they can't hurt you. They upset you -yes, but the physical pain is no longer there, just the emotional pain and that is starting to recede. How long since you left your relationship? You will have 'down' days but the 'up' days should be starting to over ride the down days. On the down days, as I said, write down why you feel down, get angry with the down days, anger will help drive the depression away. As I said earlier, you can't be depressed and angry together.

Remember BB is always here to assist you.

Love you for who you are now.

Better, but not

Hopefullseeking — Wed, 16 Mar 2016 22:54:07 GMT

Hi Pipsy,

I was having a lot of trouble with daytime sleepiness which is why she halved the dose, it is a trial for a month but since my mood has dipped I am wondering if it is worth it. I am not as sleepy during the day which is a bonus. It has been two weeks and in two weeks I see my shrink agian and we will review it. My psychologist asked a few questions last tuesday but it is up to my shrink. I really hope the low mood is not due to a drop in medication, that would be really disappointing.

Peace from the black mood is worth fighting for which is why I am still here today, this can't be all there is to life, being in a black hole. It is hard, a tough road that I am tired of, tired of the struggle, I feel like I have gone backwards so far and I am not happy about it, I felt I was doing so well.

I do try to put the blackness out of my head, I am making a few cards because of your suggestion but I forgot how much it distracts me. I take a cuppa out to my green space, that helps to.

I am at my volunteer job and I had to keep telling myself I would have a great day. I quite frankly would rather be home but I know it is good for me to be here, I need to be here for my own mental health.

Anyway I am doing my best.

Better, but not

Dwwmills — Thu, 17 Mar 2016 23:10:51 GMT

Hi Hopefulseeking.

I came off SSRIs for anxiety in the last 12 months. Each time the dose was reduced the anxiety came back to some degree and I had to tackle it with cognitive-based therapy. On one of the reductions the anxiety came back and I was not able to get on top of it so the medication was increased back up to the last stage. It was a bit like trying to learn to ride a bike with training wheels. The medication was the trainer wheels. Once I got used to riding the bike with the wheels at one height and felt comfortable we would lift the height of the trainer wheels again and I’d have two relearn to get comfortable again. This took nearly 12 months to get off of a reasonably low dose of SSRIs. We reduced by 10 to 20% of the dose I was on at the time. I was amazed at how much the small reductions affected my anxiety levels. CBT worked really well for me so I was reasonably confident I can get back on top of things each time. I would wait until I’d had a really good stretch of low anxiety and there was no likely anxiety provoking events in the foreseeable future before I would reduce again. I now self manage my anxiety using CBT daily.

I still have ups and downs but my anxiety is in the normal range. If I find for some reason my anxiety is creeping up it’s usually because I have been feeling well and ignored the CBT practice.

I had trouble as well with daytime sleepiness and my psychiatrist switched the medication from morning to nights. This helped somewhat as I was more tired shortly after taking the medication. I still suffered some daytime sleepiness but it was not as bad as before.

I wish you the best.

Dean

Better, but not

Hopefullseeking — Sun, 20 Mar 2016 22:59:23 GMT

Hi Dean,

Sounds like a long journey to get off the meds, you have done well congrats.

I already take my meds at night, if I took them in the morning then I would sleep all day. My sleepiness also depends on how well I sleep at night to, if poor sleep then more daytime sleepiness, it makes sense.

It is a horrible process being on medication, going off and suffering side effects to boot, I hope one day to be off both the anit-D's I am on but one step at a time.

Thanks for your input it was interesting and valuable.

Anne

Better, but not

Hopefullseeking — Wed, 30 Mar 2016 06:38:15 GMT

Im devastated.

Saw my shrink today, she reviewed her notes and has been concerned how l would react to the lowered dose of 1 of my antidepressants. I have deteriorated so much in the last month she has raised them again.

asked her if I would ever get off them and she said no.

l hate relieing on meds but she said it is like any other illness

. I take thyroid tablets daily and she said antidepressants for me are the same.

l ffeel like curling up in a corner or pulling the blankets up over my head, instead l pigged out.

So upset ddon't want to relie on meds to be happy but looks like I have no choice.

Better, but not

JessF — Wed, 30 Mar 2016 07:16:44 GMT

Hello Anne, are you doing any work with your psychiatrist around these feelings? She is right about saying that taking these meds is no different to taking thyroid medication, or asthma or diabetes for that matter. But it doesn't sound like it is sinking in for you.

It sounds as though you take this as some sort of personal failing rather than seeing it as a medical issue.

Better, but not

pipsy — Wed, 30 Mar 2016 07:33:14 GMT

Hi Anne, oh dear one step forward, 2 back. When it comes to meds, each time you are reviewed and the dose is altered, it takes a while before we notice the affect. I'm rather pleased she has put you back on the original dose. She tried you on the lesser amount and the result was (I would say,) what she thought it might be. You have slid down into the hole again and your shrink picked up on that. That's actually a positive, believe it or not. How long has it been since she halved the dose, not that long, but long enough to see the result. Try to see it as any other form of long term medication. I'm diabetic, for 8 years, I was on insulin, injections. I hated it, but if it meant the difference between being well or sick, I'd rather be well, if that means medication, long live the medication. I'm now on blood thinners and cholesterol medication (for the rest of my life). Like you, there's times I resent the tie, but if it means I live a healthier lifestyle, that's a plus. Medication is there to benefit, your shrink sounds like she's on the ball. You have actually regained your original life by being back on full strength medication. Take a note of how you feel now, in a couple of days see how much better you feel. If you still feel the same as today, see your Dr or shrink (if possible). Try to work with your shrink, she sounds as though she's there completely for you.

Better, but not

Hopefullseeking — Wed, 30 Mar 2016 22:22:07 GMT

Hi Jess,

I suppose we have talked about it in the past but maybe i need to bring it up with my psychologist.

I have had depression all my life but wasn't aware of this until going into therapy in my early 40's. I had always thought the way I felt and thinking patterns were how everyone felt.

I have survived child sexual abuse and to a certian degree parental abandonment, DV, two bouts of cancer and a melonoma, I thought I was strong. I can accept having ptsd, anxiety but have trouble with depression. I see it as a flaw, a weakness as if there is something wrong with me that I can't cope. Sorry for those that are reading this as it might upset some people. Therefore I have a great deal of trouble with taking anti-Ds, that fact that I need them to be happy, it just doesn't sit well with me.

So Jess you are spot on.

Better, but not

Hopefullseeking — Wed, 30 Mar 2016 22:45:03 GMT

Hi Pipsy,

It is a month since the dose was halved, I told her I felt I had deteriorated since the dose was halved so we discussed what symtoms I was experiencing and she agree with me and we put up the dose. She suspected I would have that reaction but I suppose I needed to see and feel it for me to accept the dose needed to be put back up. I was the one that suggested the dose be lowered but I was wrong.

I started to feel myself slipping with in a about 10 days and by the end of the month was in a bad space. I hope I go back up as quick, don't like how I am feeling now and don't want to be in that space.

Yes suppose that is a good way to think of taking meds, I will be in a better place taking them than not, I have to accept and be ok with that but I resent having to take them.

My shrink is there completely for me while I see her but then i feel alone inbetween sessions, silly aye. She understands me, as does my psychologist but I don't feel understood by my friends and sometimes family. So most of the time feel very alone.

Better, but not

JessF — Wed, 30 Mar 2016 22:45:18 GMT

Indeed you are a strong person to have come through all this. It's interesting...some people who have survived sexual abuse and domestic abuse feel that they are flawed and weak for 'letting it happen'. Did you ever experience feelings like this?

Better, but not

pipsy — Wed, 30 Mar 2016 23:33:42 GMT

Hi Anne. Being able to open and discuss with your psych about abuse and how you feel about what happened is actually fabulous. Friends and family never fully appreciate things like that. The long term effects can be devastating. I know in my case, I never really trusted men for years, still have problems. You are probably experiencing PTSD, which is what happens to a lot of victims of abuse. Friends and family never understand how and why you didn't walk away when you were being abused. Easy for them, they weren't there. Walking away is scary and sometimes you feel safer in the environment (even though it is unhealthy), you feel safer because you tell yourself, at least you know how you're living. Walking away is a greater fear, because you don't know what's around the corner. Victims excuse their tormentors by saying, 'if I was better, more understanding' etc. Once you accept there is nothing you can do to change your abuser, the next step is harder. Walking away. Where to go, who to turn to. Sometimes the police are involved, then you feel as though the whole thing was your fault, or you've made up the whole story. You've come out of it remarkably well, but you still need help to get through the PTSD you now have. Please, never think of yourself as 'silly' because you feel alone. You can post/vent here as often as you like. There is also BB helpline, lifeline.

That's what BB is all about, helping people work through the darkness that surrounds them. Getting back to something else you said. Given the choice of medication to support and help make me feel better, or resenting the constant depression. Give me medication. Thumbs 'down' to depression, thumbs 'up' to medication and feeling better.