topic Big Black Hole in Depression

Big Black Hole

roogirl — Sun, 08 Mar 2015 22:48:59 GMT

Hi there, I'm new to the forums. I have been battling depression for the past few months after a health scare. Now I'm finding that a lot of issues from my past have cropped up and I'm having to deal with my grief from a broken marriage 10 years ago. This is really hard for my as I've lived alone quite successfully for the past 10 years. I am getting professional help etc, but some days it's really hard going. I have a good family and good friends who support me, but at times I feel totally alone in this. My greatest thing is battling my stomach depression which wakes me up in the morning, it's like a gigantic knot in my stomach. I do breathing exercises and try to relax, but the only real way of releasing the knot is to cry, and then that can last for quite a while. Now to top it off, I,m having songs and music stuck in my head. Am I going crazy????? Any suggestions would be great. I'm 65 years old and didn't think I'd have to walk this road again.

Big Black Hole

Neil_1 — Mon, 09 Mar 2015 23:22:43 GMT

Hi there roo girl

Welcome to Beyond Blue and thank you for providing your post.

Firstly, NO, you’re not going crazy – it’s always an interesting question, but it’s never a thing that is happening to us. We live with a mental health issue and that’s the bottom line; we’re afflicted with this due to the lack of chemicals in our mind/brain being made to help us cope with life – hence the need for so many of us to be on anti-depressant medication, which provide us with those chemicals, so it helps to ease that side of things for us.

Wowee, I sure know about that “knot in the stomach” feeling – I refer to mine as being a big spring inside, that just continues to turn and to get tighter and tighter. My release for that kind of pressure if a physical one – where I get to the gym and have a massive workout session; but yes, I can see where crying can be a release as well. I think after both kinds of release, we kind of then have a bit of a ‘washed-out’ feeling.

The songs in your head – I’m gathering they’re from something you’ve recently heard on the wireless? See what I did there? I called it wireless, cause you’re 65 years young and I’m 49 and my Dad used to always refer to it as the ‘wireless’. Good huh? I still like to refer to the old radio at times as the wireless. Anyway, slight digression there – I’m not sure if you are into music, but is it possible to listen to some “good” music that you like that might hopefully over-ride the ‘other music’ that’s in your head.

It is very good to read that you have good support from friends and family – this can be a very helpful thing, so that’s pleasing to here.

Would love to have you write back.

Kind regards

Neil

Big Black Hole

White_Rose — Tue, 10 Mar 2015 07:08:17 GMT

Hello Roogirl

Welcome and it's great to read your post.

Wow, you could be talking about me. I left my husband 15 years ago and have been living alone since. I had a massive depression that started a year after I left and took a long time to work through. Never had anything of the sort in my life before then so it was a massive shock.

I went to a psychiatrist for help. Interestingly I found I did not talk about my marriage a great deal, or at least I don't remember doing so. My grief gradually faded away over the years although I still get annoyed over one or two things now and then.

About three years ago I was quite severely bullied and harassed and I became depressed again. This time I went to a psychologist who has been incredibly helpful and I have to say that some of the 'old stuff' came up again. This second round has produced the stomach knots when I wake. I think of it as a panic attack as I also find it difficult to breathe. So I lie there and let it wash over me while I try to focus on something else.

It's not easy to force yourself to think of something else but it is truly worthwhile. I think of what I am going to do that day or what I did the day before if it was enjoyable. I think of my grandchildren and some of the things they do and say or I remind myself of something to look forward to.

Once I have got my breath back I get up and make a pot of tea. It's a good standby and I switch on the radio and listen to music while I drink the tea. I believe the trick is to get out of bed as quickly as possible and do something active, even if it's only making the tea. Neil goes to the gym but then he is younger than either of us.

I understand about the crying and sometimes I end up like that. The trouble is, as you say, it makes you tired and less inclined to do anything else. So try getting out of bed quickly and involving yourself in something.

I'm not sure what you are hearing with your music. I often find a song in my mind and it can get stuck there for a while. If I know the song I will sing it over and over until I am fed up with that one and go on to sing something else. That's the joy of living alone, no one else can hear you and complain about the noise.

So no, you are not crazy. It's quite normal to have a song or music or even part of a play stuck in your memory. You could try remembering when you heard it before and under what circumstances. You never know what the memory is trying to tell you.

Like Neil, I would love to get a reply from you.

Mary

Big Black Hole

roogirl — Tue, 10 Mar 2015 09:28:55 GMT

Hi Neil,

It was great to receive my first ever post on the forum. I must say today started off not so great, that's always the way with my stomach knot. However, like you I tend to do deep breathing which helps, then out of bed. Firstly, to get ready for work and also the damn thing won't let me sleep in anyway. I find that once I'm on my feet the tension eases. So in some ways I'm grateful for the fact that it forces me to be up and about otherwise I would just lay there and continue to feel miserable.

Yes, I love the term 'wireless', my darling mum who passed 11 years ago would only refer to the radio as the wireless. Yes, I did hear the song on the 'wireless', and maybe next time I'll stick to the Beatles or Stones, oh and I just love Bruce Springsteen. Pretty good for an old bloke!!

Did you realise the song stuck in your head has a name -'ear worm' and it's very common. So hopefully it will slither away really soon, maybe into the compost.

Once again, thanks for the kind words and reassurance, it's made me feel a lot better. I know there will be good days and bad days, and hopefully the good days just get better.

Cheers Neil

Roogirl

Big Black Hole

roogirl — Tue, 10 Mar 2015 09:42:41 GMT

Hi White Rose,

Firstly thank you for your reply to my first ever post on the Forum. I find the more I talk to people the more I find so many of us suffer from depression/anxiety. We just don't talk about it that much. It's always been thought of as a taboo subject or a sign of weakness, but it's an illness like heart disease or diabetes. Thankfully, I think it's all changing a lot thanks to great places like Beyond Blue and other organisations who are raising awareness just as we do every time we connect with another person.

I must say, today even though it started off with me feeling pretty average it did improve. The sun was shining and the birds were singing and you know even though this beast of a thing makes life so hard at times, it's still great to be alive.

The song stuck in your head officially has a name - ear worm. And it doesn't have anything to do with slithery critters. Apparently, it's a very common condition. For me, I know it's my anxiety focusing on the song and turning my brain into mush. My doctor told me today it will just go away when the brain gets sick of the same old thing. So that made me feel a little better.

I know the road ahead is long and difficult with good days and bad ones. I just try to stay positive when I can, and hope the good days get longer.

Thank you White Rose for your kind and supportive words. It's good to hear from those struggling and overcoming the same issues.

Warm regards

Roogirl

Big Black Hole

Neil_1 — Wed, 11 Mar 2015 00:20:15 GMT

Hi there Roo Girl

Hey, it was great to hear back from you and thank you for latest response.

“Ear worm” eh? Never heard of it, but I have now.

“The Boss” is awesome – wow, I went to see him in concert way back, must have been 1986 !! Drove down to Melbourne from Canberra to see him perform at the Melbourne Show Ground, if memory serves me correctly. Something like 30,000 people, if memory serves me correctly.

I love his music and his lyrics – just so profound. In the song, Human Touch, he says:

Oh girl that feeling of safety you prize

Well it comes with a hard hard price

You can't shut off the risk and pain

Without losin' the love that remains

We're all riders on this train

So you been broken and you been hurt

Show me soomebody who ain't

No doubt referring to the breaking up of a relationship.

Awesome stuff.

And thank you for this, because now my ear worm is up and active with The Boss belting out a tune. 🙂

Neil

Big Black Hole

roogirl — Wed, 11 Mar 2015 21:47:58 GMT

Hi Neil,

Glad you agree about 'The Boss'. I saw him firstly in 1986 also and then at Hanging Rock when my son took me in 2013. He was unbelievable. So connected with his fans. I've never seen a 65 year old 'crowd surf' before, but he did.

Anyway, it's nice to talk to people on this forum. I'm feeling pretty ordinary again today. The 'earworm' is still going, but not as bad. I know that's my anxiety. I'm off to see my psychologist this morning then a blood test about my sensitivities to medications. That's part of the problem - am on antidepressants, but my metabolism can only cope with small amounts, so hence the anxiety/depression keeps going on and on. Hopefully, this will all be ironed out soon. I've been seeing a psychiatrist also about the meds and I find her very good and helpful. I've never had so many appointments in all my life and I'm still working full time. I'm feeling very stuck (that's the only word I can come up with) and not going forward or backward. What I would really like to do is just up and run away, but of course I can't. My daughter lives in the USA and I can go there, but of course eventually I have to come home and face my problems. Thankfully, my daughter and her American family are returning next year after being away for 14 years.

Sorry if I'm rambling this morning, but it's nice to correspond with someone who's been down this road.

Thanks for listening Neil

Cheers

Roogirl

Big Black Hole

geoff — Wed, 11 Mar 2015 22:46:09 GMT

dear Roogirl, I just wonder if I can chip in here after my good friends Mary and Neil have replied to you, and welcomed you with open arms.

I would just like to know if your health scare has been diagnosed, and if so whether you are having treatment for it, because it doesn't take much to start any depression, and when this happens it escalates.

Your broken marriage of 10 years is never a pleasant happening, although when mine broke up after much longer than this, it has turned out to be better for me now, although we are still good friends and we did achieve so much together, but I still remember the good times that we shared.

Being fixated on something, and with you it's songs, and when this happens to me I have to draw my attention away because I have OCD so it's crucial that do something else.

These songs are for a reason because the words make us think about someone special or perhaps a special happening that we love to think of or idolise, like a person we have grand memories of.

I am in the same age group as you are because I'm 60 years old, but remember when you started driving and the car radio cut out going around a corner, or you had to twist the radio around to get any reception, thank goodness all of that has changed. L Geoff. x

Big Black Hole

White_Rose — Thu, 12 Mar 2015 00:42:22 GMT

Hello Roogirl

It's good to hear you are enjoying a more comfortable day. They are such a blessing when they happen. Interesting name "ear worm". I suppose it quite graphically describes what is happening. I think I will drop the name quite casually when someone comments about a song stuck in the brain and sound quite knowledgeable. Thanks for heads up.

I hope your session with psychologist had been profitable. I have always had problems with sensitivity to ADs and like you could only tolerate small doses. However, at the begining of this second round of depression my doctor gave me a relatively new AD. Unfortunately I cannot give the name here. I started with a smallish dose and I felt it did not really do anything more for me than other ADs except that I could pretty much tolerate it.

Recently the dose has been increased twice with no side effects. Hurrah! Well there was one side effect. My brain felt as though it had been spring cleaned and all the parts were working together in the way they were meant to work. It was the most amazing feeling. The euphoria did wear off eventually but I have been left with a better functioning brain and more ability to think coherently and even objectively at times. My psychologist tells me that's what ADs are supposed to do.

So after many years of trying to cope with a half functioning brain I am seeing the light again and it truly is wonderful. Yes, I also know the road is long and sometimes I have been so dispirited that I wonder where I have found the motivation to continue. But I have and I am so pleased I persevered.

I am a member of a meditation group that meets weekly and we also get together once a month to have discussions. It is amazing where these discussions take us. One thing we are all agreed on is that it is the journey that matters, not the destination.

I believe this absolutely applies to depression. Many people will experience some form of depression all their lives for whatever reason. But if we journey with hope, courage and love we will be able to smell the roses, admire the view and enjoy our time. Depression is not the only thing that stops people living what is called a fulfilled life. We can have that life as long as we recognise we will have bad or sad days but that we can manage them and carry on.

At my advanced age (71) I am finally learning to let go of the hurts and the self-reproaches and focus on being joyful. No it doesn't work all the time, but I am still learning.

Mary

Big Black Hole

Neil_1 — Thu, 12 Mar 2015 01:52:02 GMT

Hi roo girl

And now we’ve gotten to know each other, I’ve gotta ask – how come ‘roo girl’? Are you a North Melbourne footy fan?

Sorry, I know Geoff and Mary have popped in with questions to you also, but I just had to ask.

It’s an amazing thing isn’t it – having the issues that we do, we then need to seek out appointments and sessions with professionals in order to provide support and help to us. But the amazing thing is, when I’m feeling low and needing an appointment, it’s one of the hardest things to do – to make appointments, still we have to otherwise, well, we just end up in a bad ongoing loop.

Someone else used to say that they wished they could just run away – my response was, ‘Yes, you can run away, but your mind will go with you – so you may have a new location, but for the most part, your issues will still be there with you’. Unless of course your depression is solely caused by where you’re living.

Cheers

Neil

Big Black Hole

roogirl — Thu, 12 Mar 2015 09:39:24 GMT

Hi Geoff,

Nice to meet you at last. I have a lot of your posts on the forum. Firstly, my health scare turned out NOT to be a heart attack or a blocked artery, but I do have a slightly enlarged aorta. The depression/anxiety this time started after I was taken off all the medications I had been put on because they thought I had a blocked artery. I was taken off the meds 'cold turkey' and had withdrawals etc etc. I was in a real state I can tell you. I couldn't focus clearly with my eyes, or drive, or work. I had to stay with family for 4 weeks. I was pretty sick and in came the depression and anxiety. While I've had depression in the past, I've not had anxiety like this. But I'm getting a lot of professional help and have a great family and wonderful friends.

The marriage bit - well.... I was married to my second husband for 22 years and been on my own for 10. However, since the health scare, I'm having difficulty being on my own quite a lot. I've lived by myself and never been lonely, but now it's a different matter. My marriage ended very badly for me and I was so angry for all these years that the grieving process never took place, but it is now. I know I have to get through this process to have closure. At least I've got to the point of being able to forgive him, but I can't forgive or forget what he did to me or my family. However, I'm not bitter and twisted or anything like that, we had some very good years together also and I'm thankful for that.

With the song stuck in my head, like you suggested I'm trying to distract myself away from it as much as possible. Yes the song ties into the past and I just want to move forward.

Thanks Geoff for your words of encouragement and support.

Roogirl

Big Black Hole

roogirl — Thu, 12 Mar 2015 09:55:48 GMT

Hi Mary,

Well today is not one of my best. I'm very tired tonight after blood tests a psychologist's appt and working. I'm getting too old for this!!! I just try and remember that tomorrows another day, and hopefully it will be better.

I'm glad to hear that meds have been sorted out and you are feeling so much better. It's a really hard one when you have sensitivities. I'm just trying to gradually increase the dosage bit by bit. Too much and I'm in another world and I can't stand that feeling of being light headed and woozie. So we'll see how this all plays out.

Thanks for listening. Hope to hear from you again very soon.

Glenda

Big Black Hole

roogirl — Thu, 12 Mar 2015 10:11:57 GMT

Hi Neil,

How perceptive of you - yes I am a North Melbourne fan through and through. Have followed the boys all my life and have been a member for about 20 years now. So do you follow the footy and should I ask who? My family are a mixture, but mostly St Kilda. Gee, I can't even convert my 6 month old grand-daughter. I've been told by my son she'll be following St Kilda. But, we'll see - I'll keep persisting, I'm a bit like that.

I know the running away is a bit of a dream and yes it will follow and catch you. So better to turn and face the on coming storm no matter how hard it blows you around. Just have to wait and hope for better and calmer days ahead.

Well, that's it from me tonight. Hope to speak soon.

Cheers

Roogirl (Glenda)

Big Black Hole

Neil_1 — Fri, 13 Mar 2015 00:09:17 GMT

Dear Roo Girl

Facing the oncoming storm – yes, that definitely one way of looking at it. My thoughts on this is that’s a good thing to do as long as you’ve got mechanisms in place to help you battle through it.

You’ve got your meds and hopefully, gee my memories hopeless, that you’ve got a counsellor who you can see and talk with.

Ok, I’m hearing you loud and clear with your footy allegiance, and that’s a great thing with the season fast approaching – it can help, when the boys are going well, but yeah, it can be sometimes hard to deal with, depending on the level of support we actually give out. Different people, different levels of interest/enthusiasm, the whole bit. I’ll slide in here that I am very happy with my team over the last two years (well, actually, always happy with my team, but ultra happy over the last two years). And to give you the final clue, your boys took the points on Sunday arve over my boys at Shepparton in the NAB Cup game.

Now, apart from footy and the whole range of things that brings to the table for us each season, do you have or are you involved in any other interests/activities? You know, things to help keep one occupied and hopefully away from the low feelings.

Great to hear back from you again.

Neil

Big Black Hole

roogirl — Fri, 13 Mar 2015 11:17:40 GMT

Dear Neil

Good to hear back from you again. So we're a happy team at Hawthorn. Thank heavens it's not Collingwood. Can't wait for the season proper to start.

You asked about my other interests/activities well.. I like cricket - I like the tests and not so keen on the one dayers and can't stand big bash. May as well go and play baseball is how I look at that. I have a great passion for reading - I read every day and I find it takes me out of my world into the world on the pages. I find it great therapy. I like to walk, the movies, and travel. Trouble with travel is it can be very expensive. So always have to save for that one. What about you? Besides footy and the gym, what are your interests?

Anyway, as always at this time of the night, I'm done. So, hope to talk really soon.

Cheers Neil

Roogirl

Big Black Hole

roogirl — Sat, 14 Mar 2015 22:12:41 GMT

Hi White Rose,

It's Roogirl here this morning. I heard from my psychiatrist on Friday that my blood work was ok (I suffer for low thyroid condition), so she wants me to try and up the AD by quarter. I know this increase is very minimal but I'm feeling very anxious starting. I'm starting tonight. If I have side effects, I have to try in thirds over the day. Of course, I know if it all gets too much, I can drop it back to original dosage. It's being increased due to my feeling 'stuck' and having good and bad days which I know is normal, but as I told you previously I become very emotional and cry a lot. Not while I am at work because I'm surrounded by people and occupied, but at home well that's another matter. My psychiatrist does not want to take me of this AD at this stage because once I start weaning myself off I'll get whacked with the depression/anxiety in one big hit. Being sensitive to medications is really awful. The last time I took this particular AD was 10 years ago and I had no side effects, but now I do. It's a bit crazy, maybe as you get older your metabolism probably doesn't work in the same way as when you were younger. I'm not feeling particularly brave about all of this, but will do my best. I have tried other AD's, but not with any success. Any advice you can give would be gladly accepted. Just hate the feeling from side effects of being not quite myself and a little woozie.

Thanks for listening.

Regards

Roogirl

Big Black Hole

Neil_1 — Sun, 15 Mar 2015 23:20:41 GMT

Hi there Roogirl

Hey, just as well that there’s no “d” in the middle of your name, otherwise, you’d go from a roo girl to a rude girl. Sorry, it’s early Monday morning and I haven’t had my 2nd cup of coffee yet. So yes, apart from going to the gym enjoying footy, I try hard to come up with funny stuff. Mostly it’s an epic fail.

Ok, so you sound very much like my big bro, 9 years my elder, as he LOVES the Test cricket, he doesn’t mind the 50 overs, but has no time for the Big Bash; whereas, I love all formats; so through Dec/Jan, I was telling him all about the awesomeness of the Big Bash and I knew I was talking to a brick wall, but hey, each to their own. I do very much enjoy the NRL as well, so come winter time, the footy is awesome. I also like holidays, public holidays and anything that rhymes with the words “flex day” or “day off work”.

I’m a bit concerned about your feelings with regard to the AD increase. Just saw your post to White Rose and wanted to chip in as well. I’m a bit confused; your psyche wants to ‘up’ your dosage with your current AD – but are you already having some unwanted side-effects from it? You wrote further down that the last time you took this, there were no side effects, but you are having them now – have I read all this correct?

I’ve tried a number of different meds along my journey, until settling on “some” that agree with me – but what I experienced with a few of them were the feelings of unease, or woozieness (ain’t that a grand word), but after a day or 3, mostly those feelings would settle down and your body becomes used to the different feeling.

Have you been on this latest AD for long or have you just been put on it? I hope you haven’t already mentioned this.

Yes, the weaning off procedure from an AD has to be a slow and carefully monitored one, so I can understand what your psyche is saying there; BUT sometimes it is necessary if the one that they’ve got us on is making us worse.

Hope to hear back from you.

Neil

Big Black Hole

White_Rose — Tue, 17 Mar 2015 03:38:45 GMT

Hello Glenda

Sorry for not being good at responding. Had a few minor things happen but it is amazing how much they throw you out of your routine.

Increasing your ADs? You say you are a bit nervous about this. Yes, I can understand that as I was nervous also. Of course the problem is that we do not know how the change will affect us. By now you will have taken the increase for several days. How is it going? Any side effects may be showing by now but not the benefits. The benefits can take up to several weeks to show. I do hope you are not experiencing any uncomfortable effects, which will probably manifest themselves before the good stuff.

But as Neil has said, after a few days they often settle down. Please try to stay with it unless it is unutterably unbearable. Side effects do go while the beneficial effects stay.

I am so sorry. I just found myself falling asleep at the computer. Even though it's only 1:30 pm I cannot keep my eyes open. When I have had my 'nanna nap' I will return and try to write a coherent answer.

Mary

Big Black Hole

InThePink58 — Tue, 17 Mar 2015 05:46:12 GMT

Hello roogirl, I have found (from local library) an audio-book by Dir. Michael Olpin & Sam Bracken aptly called "UNWIND". This is my new best friend. I have been listening to this daily for the last 5 days and must confess to be able to see what my Psych and Dr. having been doing their best to help me do and understand.

Like you, I have also been on my own for the last dozen or so years after a marriage break up, I placed all my energy into my work. BIG mistake, I should have been doing the Act Belong Commit thing. You see I am a people person, when work finishes for the day, I go home and you guessed it, no-one to chat to.I was up until a few months ago still working FULL TIME until things changed that I was not able to deal with. I hope to return to work some time soon to my old position in the company.

My mind is still at times elsewhere, HOWEVER I am so much better within myself and less teary. roogirl, cry when you want, let us know and we may even join you from our own homes. News headlines....flooding in different parts of WA.

roogirl, I hope you get to read this post and that it makes you feel ok about things.

I suffer from Anxiety and Depression, in my line of work no one guessed...most of all me. Lots of hugs, from me.

Big Black Hole

roogirl — Tue, 17 Mar 2015 06:26:25 GMT

Hi Neil,

Good to hear from you. Yep me and the AD's, we don't always get along. I have a low tolerance to all sorts of medicines. In fact, last week, I had a blood test called DNAcode which tells you all about your metabolism and enzymes and how they do/don't absorb medications. So I should get results back this week sometime. Hopefully, they may come up with some answers.

Originally in the past this AD I'm on now was the only one that hadn't given me side effects, but that was 10 years ago when I was a mere slip of a girl. However, this time around I do have side effects. It's taken some time for me to be able to tolerate a small amount, however while my depression and anxiety have improved, I still have some pretty ordinary days. I did try one of the newer AD's earlier, but the side effects were unbearable. So with this current AD, my psych wants me to increase it gradually taking small amounts during the day. I did try taking it at the regular dose for a 'normal' person, but side effects toohard for me to take. Don't know if being a smaller person physically has anything to do with it and how your metabolism works.

I have and appt with psych later this week to see how I'm progressing or not. I know she is concerned about weaning me off this AD and it may bring the depression/anxiety back full.on. My tolerance to meds seems to be diminishing as I get older and it is a pain.

Ok as always, thanks for a few laughs. Hope to hear from you soon.

Regards

Roogirl