topic Help! need to find a way to stop myself being nasty when down in Depression

Help! need to find a way to stop myself being nasty when down

BBUser10 — Fri, 12 Feb 2016 04:56:17 GMT

Hi all

not posted for awhile as things have been ok , not great but better.

my main issue at the moment is that when i start to have an episode (which is happening now) i start to let my mouth run away with me.... i cant seem to stop telling my wife all the bad things i am thinking and how i think she does not love me or support me, then that turns into to her getting upset then turns to arguing... i cant seem to get this under control and she does not know how to deal with me when i'm like this .... she asks me what she can do and to be honest i dont always know myself..... i seem to want to bring people down to feel like i feel and knowing that make me feel like a bad person :-(... this usually ends in us not talking to each other and she just walks passed me when im sat on the bed (i spend alot of time in the bedroom when down) and that makes me feel like she doesn't care.

also i have to really try and stop myself (this doesn't always work) from just telling her i want our relationship over .

i presume this is common fight or flight response ... does anyone else act almost nasty when down ? how do i control my mouth ? i have thought about going away when this happens, but it's not practical as we have young children and i take them to school .

my wife is in a no win situation if she leaves me to it i resent her for not comming to 'help' me if she comes near me sometimes it helps but sometimes i lash out and she feels that she can do no right.

i hate the fact my depression in time will end my marriage, i exercise for 1 hour a day , i have lost weight all these things have helped as i do not need meds anymore (or at least its manageable) but this nastyness is really affecting her

Cheers Martin

Help! need to find a way to stop myself being nasty when down

white knight — Fri, 12 Feb 2016 11:31:58 GMT

Hi Martin 😞

I would suggest a trip to your GP. Several years ago now I was prescribed mood stabilisers and my mood has drastically changed. Not suggesting he/she will want you to have those but its an example of what can be done nowadays.

Faith is a hard thing to have when you are down. Blame seems more apparent. Running away seems the answer. You need to remind yourself that you should have faith in your partner. Do you have a hobby/sport? I ask this because mind diversion can be an answer to the cycle you are dealing with.

Anyway, work closely with your GP. Read up on motivation and positivity. Attend motivation lectures and so on. Read up on these topics in these pages.

Tony WK

Help! need to find a way to stop myself being nasty when down

blondguy — Fri, 12 Feb 2016 13:39:10 GMT

Morning Martin

I was also prescribed medication to assist in mood adjustment....You have done well (and helped others by posting as well Martin)

I know quite a few guys that are and have been going through exactly what are now....

White Knight has nailed this spot on....If you have a GP that you are 'comfortable' with please see him/her..they are well trained to help you ....

Even if you take this great post you wrote (and yes it is) with you to your GP...You have so much to gain and absolutely nothing to lose Martin...There is no stigma about taking meds with this...Its very similar to a physiological problem.....people take meds for that....there is no difference here...(with respect I dont know what you were taking before and thats fine..)

The anger and blame....been there....grab your GP...

Please let us know how you are going..if you wish...I hope your weekend is good to you....

Here for you Martin

Help! need to find a way to stop myself being nasty when down

BBUser10 — Fri, 12 Feb 2016 20:28:23 GMT

Thank you for your replies

when you say mood stablisers do you mean anti-depressants ? I would rather not take them as it took 7 years to bd strong enogh to come off them

cheers

martin

Help! need to find a way to stop myself being nasty when down

Kazzl — Sat, 13 Feb 2016 21:50:24 GMT

Hi Martin - I can relate to what you've said. I used to do this too when I was very depressed, and usually drunk.

I agree with the others about seeing your doc, but also, your post was from the heart and very understanding of your wife's difficult situation with you - have you thought about showing it to her? Sometimes it's easier to say more in writing than we can say in person. I kinda think she deserves to know how much you understand how hard it is for her.

Kaz

Help! need to find a way to stop myself being nasty when down

geoff — Sat, 13 Feb 2016 23:16:06 GMT

dear Martin. hello, and please just because you have depression of any type doesn't automatically mean the end of your
marriage, but I know the damage this can do to a relationship, but there are ways to overcome this.
Your GP will be able to help you, even if you tell him/her that you don't want to take antidepressants (AD), but can I
say that AD have changed a great deal from when you were first given them, but mood stabilisers can be taken to control
your mood swings.
Depression can alter how people behave, where some people just crawl into their cot and not say a word, while others
are the reverse and have a need to verbalise what ever they are thinking, and in your case it's your wife, so maybe by
seeing a psychologoist he/she could teach you on how you are able to control these outbursts. Geoff.

Help! need to find a way to stop myself being nasty when down

blondguy — Sat, 13 Feb 2016 23:25:19 GMT

Hi Martin

thanks for saying hi

I envy you getting off the AD's...that takes a lot of guts. One of the signs of a 'tired' mind is unfortunately being critical and finding fault in others. Other than the AD's (yes..thats what I was referring to as they boost serotonin levels thus resulting in mood stabilizing.) the alternative would be regular visits to a GP or therapist to assist you (and great if your wife would come..it would help her too)

I am on a low dose of one of the major AD's and they are a very effective tool (for me that is) and have given me my peace of mind back...and the ability to actually 'progress' with the healing of my depression.

Even just a weekly GP visit would be a bonus to your health...

Here for you Martin

Paul

Help! need to find a way to stop myself being nasty when down

BBUser10 — Sun, 14 Feb 2016 09:06:15 GMT

Thanks everyone for your replies, they have really helped.

ive decided to go to a natropath and see if i can get a natral mood stabilizer before trying a pill from the Dr .

on the wife front she has been great today she bought a jar with love notes in saying everything she loves about me over the last 19 years to keep by bed so when i start to spiral i can read them and see its my mind playing tricks

again thank you for your surrpirt and advice

martin 😞

Help! need to find a way to stop myself being nasty when down

blondguy — Sun, 14 Feb 2016 09:25:46 GMT

Hey Martin...What a wonderful and precious wife you have......Made me smile mate!

Kind Thoughts

Paul 🙂

Help! need to find a way to stop myself being nasty when down

OngoingJourney — Tue, 16 Feb 2016 14:18:05 GMT

Hi Martin and everyone

After using the 'search' tool, going through various threads for the last approx. 2hrs I found a few that I could relate, but your post really resonated with me- 'hit the spot' so to speak to make myself to finally try to do a post. Yes am a new member and this is my 1st post, so if I'm on the wrong track apologies in advance.

Will try to stick to topic here as the tips say: Throughout my 4+ year marriage (actually ever since we got engaged and moved in together) I've experienced what you're describing Martin. This 'no win' scenario for your partner, the knowledge of that, plus having to deal with one's own struggles of trying to get some sense of clarity of mind and sense of peace.

I didn't finish reading all the posts on this thread as I wanted to respond soon before getting too tired, so apologies if I'm doubling up: In response to Geoff's comment re 'where some people just crawl into their cot and not say a word, while others ...need to verbalise what ever they are thinking' I've been both. Have you also experienced that at all Martin? Basically there are times I just know it's just a doomsday and I just stay in my bedroom and don't want to talk to anyone or be in the world, and there's other moments (perhaps even on the same day) where I just decide suddenly 'na I've had enough of being quiet I'm going to try the opposite' and either berate my husband or end up feeling completely dejected for opening up and for it not helping (sometimes made it worse).

Anyway, word count is creeping up so just want to say I can completely relate and at the moment wouldn't have any conclusive suggestions based on experience as it's something I still struggle with. Things that have helped me reduce the outbursts though: this will probably be rare when you first start but starting to recognize the signs (mainly body - blood pumping, sweating, tight muscles, increased tone), then leave that situation for the time being saying something like 'need my space/can't handle it right now' (or say nothing if that's all you can manage though not the kindest for your partner) and go to a separate space of the house/garden/walk/watch tv/clean what ever it is you need to do to calm your mind a bit so you can return to thinking about what happened. Then the choice is yours- do you revisit it w partner or leave it. This has at times helped me, at least during periods when anger is a big issue but it may not be the best option as a routine. Hope it helps! Ze

Help! need to find a way to stop myself being nasty when down

blondguy — Tue, 16 Feb 2016 18:39:14 GMT

Good Morning Ze

Apologies for 'jumping' in here Ze. A warm welcome to the BB forums and you have brought up some very useful and positive coping mechanisms in your second paragraph in helping Martin and everyone else too 🙂

I am not a health professional Ze however when you mentioned about staying in your bedroom during your down time. You may require that 'time out' just to be by yourself...maybe to gather your thoughts. Please never feel dejected to opening up. That is a very strong personality trait/coping mechanism...and depending on the response of course is the best form of coping mechanism..Nice1 Ze

You also recognize your warning signs well. I have known those signs very well with anxiety/depression. I was just wondering if your husband would come along to even a GP you are comfortable with so he can see first hand what you are going through...a GP that you are comfortable with of course Ze. It may assist both of you.

I think there are many points you bring up re calming that are so good to read..One of the girls here had started a post on walking (check for it on 'new posts') and its a classic and friendly post too.

You have a lot to offer here Ze...it would be great if you could spread your coping mechanisms around BB if you wish.

Thankyou for your positive and heartfelt post

Kind Thoughts

Paul

Help! need to find a way to stop myself being nasty when down

OngoingJourney — Tue, 16 Feb 2016 22:46:49 GMT

Morning Paul

Did my 1st post just before sleeping and as soon as I woke checked here, so it was real nice to see your encouraging post - thank you! Many thanks to the moderators for checking my post so quickly too.

Not sure exactly how to do this, taken me over 2hrs to write lol as hard to cover everything in 1post, but I'll respond to ur comments that relate to Martin's topic in the hope anything I say here might resonate for u Martin and others re the same struggle. Re comment about feeling dejected for opening up- I agree Paul, DEFINETELY not an easy thing to do, and oneself (AND others) would be much better for it if we opened up more! What I was trying to get at though, particularly in intimate relationships is, if one has managed to go through that hurdle of sharing ur honest thoughts there is that unavoidable expectation of hope that the other will 'get it' and somehow can relate/help even if you tell urself don’t expect anything. But when you see no signs of that, it makes it really hard to keep opening up/be calm/ collected- especially if you're going through a very difficult emotionally turbulent period. It's hard not to feel dejected, can ‘end in us not talking to each other’/ saying 'I want out' etc.

Not saying these are the right/ wrong behaviours nor don’t use professional support/ there maybe better ways to handle etc. but maybe sometimes it’s just the natural course? Suppose u just have to keep reminding urself all of this helps (u and relationship) even if you don't feel like it ever does/can't see big changes/empathy/understanding. Seen this mentioned in other threads- perhaps it's that mutual understanding we need to get to in a relationship 'it's a storm/disaster right now but you've gone through it in the past and you will again'. Sometimes just recognizing that to urself helps. And one hopes n' could ask that the partner recognizes and respects that. If this strategy is new to you it’s helped me at times.

Of course one strategy doesn’t seem to work every time. Sometimes ur so tired of the ('constant') roller coaster and just want to free urself from the additional burden even if u know ur partner will stick w u regardless. Or u might feel u ‘deserve’ someone who would respect it- not someone who watches a comedy n' laugh while u're in next room completely shattered. But then again u know they also need some solace/keep bz. ALL of what u said Martin is bang on for me! If anything, yes, u've got a partner in crime :S/:). Ze

Help! need to find a way to stop myself being nasty when down

Goofy41 — Sun, 21 Feb 2016 09:13:55 GMT

Thank you all for this conversation. I posted around this time last month about difficulties I was having in my relationship - basically my husband has been carrying me for a long time and our relationship has been suffering because of it. The posts then were helpful, but these recent comments have helped me to fill in more pieces of the puzzle. Does it surprise anyone else to read that depression skews your view, even if it seems reasonable to you? Nobody has ever told me this, but it helps to explain so much of what has been going on for me and my husband.

Martin I have no wise words of wisdom for you, but I can tell you that understanding how depression is for you is the first step in figuring out how to control it. I've been keeping a diary over the past 2 months and have realised that it is very much a cycle for me. My husband and I have just had another massive argument which has resulted in him not speaking to me again. If I'd looked back in my diary this morning before opening my mouth I would have maybe avoided yet another week of not knowing whether I will be married by the end of it. My hope is that next time I start 'stewing' over something, I am able to stop and think about what other options I might have before I let loose.

Help! need to find a way to stop myself being nasty when down

blue_eyes_90 — Thu, 03 Mar 2016 12:18:13 GMT

Thank you for letting me know about that fact about depression skewing our views on things.

I myself come home after work in a nasty mood i try telling my partner just dont see to much into it its just me having a crappy day. But he tells me its every day so i guess my views are different to his.

I just have to find them and change them i guess thank you.

Help! need to find a way to stop myself being nasty when down

blondguy — Thu, 03 Mar 2016 12:42:30 GMT

Hi Ze

I know I am late with my reply...and your thoughts are great to read...and are of a great help to others on the forums too. Your post is very important especially where a partner is concerned.

I will keep this as basic and as relevant as I can....

* Overthinking Depression can only complicate the problem....

* An understanding partner is a bonus for sure...If you are suffering the support is invaluable

* Try to accept the depression without concerning yourself about your partners' attitude/care level

* A GP is the first step to recovery....even to get a 'handle' on whats happening (even both of you)

* If you partner doesnt wish to help or empathizes with your health and watches a comedy when you are in pain..talk to them...You would have everything to gain and nothing to lose Ze

Your post is a good one Ze...It is difficult to track and monitor under Martin's post...You have a lot to offer other people on BB....If you wish to..write your own topic for a new thread and that would be great...and you will get a lot of feedback from the kind and wonderful people on the BB Forums...

Sorry about the late reply Ze...:-)

Paul

Help! need to find a way to stop myself being nasty when down

Juliet_84 — Mon, 14 Mar 2016 10:00:26 GMT

Hi Martin,

I applaud you for acknowledging your behavior and wanting to change it. As someone who has been on the receiving end of constant criticism, I can empathize with your wife at how hard it is, how worthless you feel, and almost afraid in your own home, it's a soul-destroying feeling. I think empathy is what you need to develop, empathy for your wife. Try and practice thinking of all the good things that she does, how she helps and supports you, even if she doesn't always say the right thing. I too often feel very depressed but I try to never lash out at others as this is my problem, not theirs, they have the option to walk away and I don't want that. Instead I thank them when people do things for me, they don't have to, everyone has their own stuff and they don't need to put up with mine, they're not here to serve me. I think as depressive types we have a lot of expectation on people, whether they say the right thing, or are supportive enough, but we have to ask what we do for them?

Help! need to find a way to stop myself being nasty when down

aviendha — Thu, 31 Mar 2016 21:37:56 GMT

Hi Martin,

I must admit that I didn't read all the replies, but here we go anyway..

I am sort of like you. Actually very much like you. Except for the fact that I try every day to repress my feelings and pretend everything is fine, but sometimes when I drink (far from every time, because then I sort of would have to stop drinking. Even though it helps many times), I bring up "the things". And he seems offended because he did something really seriously bad (like heart wrenching bad) a year ago, and he said that he didn't want to talk about it anymore and it was time to move on (and I tried to talk). And if I push it ( to try to talk about it and clear everything out once and for all to be able to move on and start over) he leaves. He just leaves and goes to his mother. Just leaves. My point is that even though you and I are doing the same thing, my advice to you is not to leave. Because I know how it feels when someone leaves either when you need to talk or when your being irrational or in an argument or maybe in your case distant (instead of getting angry). she might be really angry for you leaving, but maybe it would hurt her more if you just f off? I cant know that, but as the one that always get left for my mother-in-law in EVERY argument (doesn't matter who's wrong or right), maybe ask her. Ask her "when I have these moments, do you want me to stay or just to leave?". Everyone is different.