topic No- one Cares in Depression

No- one Cares

Guest_3712 — Tue, 21 Jan 2014 01:45:08 GMT

I have not received any replies to my posts. I know a lot of my issues are self inflicted but this is the only way I deal with my pain

both physical, and mental.

I need some help

Stressless

No- one Cares

Katy100 — Tue, 21 Jan 2014 01:52:51 GMT

Ok, I'm here ... I'm new so I don't tend to respond to much ... and I try to answer where I think I can provide some relevant information ...

How can I help?

No- one Cares

Guest_3712 — Tue, 21 Jan 2014 02:17:24 GMT

Hi Katy,

thanks for your response. I feel totally alone is this hell. Short story of a complicated history - accident, lost job, addicted to opiates, depression, nervous breakdown, 5 admissions to psych hospital, ECT treatment.- still suffering depression .

Use my meds to cope which I take when ever I am feeling bad so I can just zone out and don't need to deal with anything. I am ashamed. I hate relying on meds but I can't stop

Stressless

No- one Cares

Katy100 — Tue, 21 Jan 2014 02:34:51 GMT

Hi again, Stressless.

I just went back to re-read your earlier post. I wanted to say something before, but couldn't really think of what to say ... sorry.

What do your medical professionals say about how you use meds? I think you said that they were reluctant to lower the dosage? Especially on one type of drugs?

What would you do if they did lower the dose, or take you off the meds?

No- one Cares

Guest_3712 — Tue, 21 Jan 2014 03:04:40 GMT

Hi Katy,

I need to stay on my AD which aren't a problem at the moment. The other med is for anxiety, and can be taken as an instant calm down or as regular stay in your system type of dose. I choose to take mine all at once so I get really relaxed.

Doc gave me a taper off plan but I haven't started yet. My dependence is high. I have been on medications for over 8 years and only just got off opiates.

I don't know what I would do if I didn't have these to fall back on

Stressless

No- one Cares

Katy100 — Tue, 21 Jan 2014 03:50:05 GMT

Would it help if you had a more in-depth talk with your Doc? On the one hand, he/she seems to be relaxed about your dosage, and the way you take the med; on the other hand he/she might not be understanding that you want to get off them; on the third hand ... in a way you don't really want to get off them.

Maybe it's time for an attitude change? At the moment, the meds are helping you. Could you cut back the worries about taking them and say to yourself something like "I will take these for the next month, as they do help me cope and at the end of the month I will re-evaluate the situation"?

No- one Cares

Guest_3712 — Tue, 21 Jan 2014 04:36:23 GMT

I think it is because I have so much shame attached to abusing my meds.

My husband doesn't get it and he was so angry when I had to be admitted to hospital because I chose to be an idiot. It has been a long road and I should be over it but I continue to deceive and hide my habit.

I used to be a strong independent lady, but I am no longer confident in myself. years of pain, drugs, and treatments have worn me down. My psych says I have nothing to be ashamed of but I almost destroyed my family and I can't forget that.

Stressless

No- one Cares

Katy100 — Tue, 21 Jan 2014 06:00:12 GMT

Ok, so the main issues are the fear of taking too many drugs, and of feeling ashamed, and of hurting your family?

Is it time to start forgiving yourself a little?

You kicked the opiates ... BIG HURRAH for Stressless here.

Your family is still together ... another BIG HURRAH.

And, now you're in a place where you want to cut back on the anxiety drugs. Yet another BIG HURRAH.

No- one Cares

Guest_3712 — Tue, 21 Jan 2014 10:17:19 GMT

Hi Katy,

YES YES AND YES !

BUT......... one of my issues is my need to be perfect. I must always be the good child. For me to have failed so badly these victories you've pointed out don't mean anything to me as I shouldn't have gotten into this position in the first place.

I was weak, and a failure . Instead of using my experiences to grow I just gave up and relied on the meds to get by. Sure I have flashes when I focus and try and get on top but it never lasts and then the fall down is further and harder. Climbing up is becoming more of an effort and I don't know if it is worth it.

Yes some how my family although strained at times is still together and that is really the only thing I get up for each day

Stressless

No- one Cares

Katy100 — Wed, 22 Jan 2014 01:03:54 GMT

Hi Stressless,

I'm talking to you like I talk to myself. I spend a lot of time looking at my little victories ... not as much as I take to look at my failures ... but I find that looking at the things I've achieved does make me feel more positive.

Now, why do you need/want to be "perfect". I think perfection is an illusion ... if a person (even a close friend of hers) looked at my mother, they would think that she was a wonderful person. She worked, stayed married, had three kids with good grades, went to church, kept the house immaculately clean and indulged in good works.

Then she came home and abused me.

So, I've tried to do the opposite.

Maybe I sound like a Pollyanna ... sorry if that's the case ... in a way I'm kinda scared to let rip with my own story ... because being positive does help me.

No- one Cares

guest75 — Wed, 22 Jan 2014 01:25:29 GMT

Hi Stressless

You are NOT a failure in anyway shape or form. As Katy said your family is still togehter and you kicked the opiates

You are not a failure for relying on the meds to get you through. As they did GET YOU THROUGH. Whatever it takes to help us deal with this illness

and Katy, i dont like the term Pollyanna. My middle daughters name is Pollyanna and she is the most pessimistic child ever, everything a pollyanna isnt lol

No- one Cares

Guest_3712 — Wed, 22 Jan 2014 04:42:09 GMT

Hey Mattyj,

I appreciate your comments so much and wish I could agree with you. The only way I could kick the opiates was to go into hospital , be sedated and infused with more drugs

hardly a strong act. I did need the meds for sure especially for the pain , but as I am now supposedly on the road to recovery I continue to use- for escape, for denial whatever.

They are a constant reminder of my failures and until I stop I will never recover, but I don't think I can

Stressless

No- one Cares

Neil_1 — Thu, 23 Jan 2014 04:17:56 GMT

Hi Stressless,

I believe in you ... so do masses of others on here.

But for the time being, if you feel you need to use them, then use them. If it helps, then do it. What's the worst that can happen?

You've mentioned where you have flashes and focus on getting on top. That is great and when they happen, don't try to rush to the top all in one go, cause as you said, you'll just fall back down all the harder.

Little steps ... little goals.

Kind regards

Neil

No- one Cares

Guest_3712 — Thu, 23 Jan 2014 05:00:13 GMT

Hey Neil,

glad to hear from you again. hope you are seeing things in a slightly lighter shade than yesterday.

oh I wish it was that simple. you say what's the worst that can happen ?

well lets see. I can do something stupid when I'm that out of it I don't know what i'm doing. then there's the little detail of my husband killing me if he finds out , oh and lastly I could end up in hospital again to detox- not an option.

I don't mean to sound like a smart a.....e but I have been down this road many times and that is why I am so pissed off at myself. I can't believe it!.

The first time I went into hospital I cried every night and prayed to God saying ,"please get me out of here. help me survive and I will never get into this situation again". I really meant it at the time and for a long time after that.

The trouble is I prefer to be out of it and not have to deal with things rather than be straight and have to continually face my failures.

I really appreciate your feed back and maybe you can see something I can't

Stressless

No- one Cares

Neil_1 — Thu, 23 Jan 2014 06:26:12 GMT

Hi Stressless,

Whoa ... that was silly of me to say what I said ... as in what's the worst that can happen. Possibly not the right website to be spruiking that kind of question around.

Now I don't know what courts are like these days, but I think the judge wouldn't look to kindly on your husband for doing you in for you doing something silly. (That was a little side thing ... not punny really, but a small lighten up moment).

But hells bells, I'm feeling for you ... and really, I can't see shite, because you're doing things to numb your feelings so you don't have to face up to reality ... and I'm doing the same thing. Not with the same methods, but ... so I'm a great one to be writing to you. We should be both seeking the advice from others ... but then again, would we use it? At this point in time, the demons need to squashed and we at least know a sure fire way for doing that ... to a point.

I'm rambling again.

Bye for now

Neil

ps: if I was feeling 2 out of 10 yesterday, I'm perhaps 2.2 out of 10 today.

No- one Cares

Guest_3712 — Thu, 23 Jan 2014 22:34:40 GMT

He Neil,

Sorry I went off at you, but like I said I'm mad at myself not you.

O.k so my husband probably wouldn't actually kill me but would make my life hell.

Yes I do take the meds to numb things for me, but why is it I can see things so clearly for others and like you offer my advice when I don't know shite either??

hey I love your rambling and trust me I ALWAYS get something from you.

A giggle, a sigh, a tear something that tells me I am still able to feel things and if I can still empathise with others then maybe I'm not as bad a person as I think I am

Hope you're going to hit a 3/10 today and upwards

Be kind to yourself

Stressless