topic My chest feels like there is a balloon inside it in Depression

My chest feels like there is a balloon inside it

onlysez16 — Sun, 19 Jan 2014 08:46:16 GMT

Every day is different. Some days I am completely numb - I go about my day in a haze, doing what I need to, speaking when I'm spoken to, even laughing along with a joke, but mostly just floating along without knowing how I got here or what has been happening for the last 10 minutes. I automatically do what I'm meant to, and then go to sleep.

Other days life sucks. My chest feels like there is a balloon inside it, pressing against my ribs, trying to burst out. My arms and legs are restless like they are waiting for something to happen. I feel angry or sad or scared or all three at once, for no reason. I can't stand the sight of people but desperately want them to see me, be near me, but please don't touch me or I might scream or cry or break apart in to dust. I force myself to breath.

Then sometimes there are the days that don't stand out - everything is so light and easy that it isn't until the end of the day when I notice the absence of fear, pain, numbness. Those days don't come very often.

I saw a movie once where someone said that madness can often be a choice. You can choose to let yourself fall in to the abyss, or you can keep fighting it. I understand what that means now - it would be so so SO easy to just slip right down in to my mind, to cry and scream and throw things, to become hysterical and numb at the same time, to mutter and forget that the world carries on around you and you need to just keep up.

So I try to keep up.

I've never seen a GP or counceller or psychologist. I've never been suicidal, though I do think about it sometimes. I don't want drugs and I don't think just talking about it to a stranger will make me better (yet here I am on the interwebs...)

This is just how my life is, and I don't know any different.

But I do want to know if I am alone? I hope so, because it breaks my heart to think anyone else could feel this way.

~ Sez

My chest feels like there is a balloon inside it

JessF — Mon, 20 Jan 2014 00:57:16 GMT

Oh dear onlysez16, I dont want to break your heart, but no you are not alone. What great descriptions. I especially want to put my hand up for the hating the sight of people but not wanting to be alone at the same time. How long have you been feeling like this? Keeping this stuff to yourself is bad news, so I'm glad you've come on here. Going to see someone is a good idea. Things can be better than they are now.

My chest feels like there is a balloon inside it

onlysez16 — Mon, 20 Jan 2014 07:42:32 GMT

Hi JessF - I don't remember a time when I wasn't like this. Maybe my brain is just wired differently? I've been thinking about talking to someone for a while, which is kind of how I found this forum, but I suppose I'm not really sure how it will change things. I think I would feel worse talking to someone with the expectation that it would help, and then it being no different. Maybe baby steps will take me to the point of speaking with someone, but in the meantime I just try to keep up with the world. I would gladly feel this way forever if it meant noone else would. ~ Sez

My chest feels like there is a balloon inside it

Neil_1 — Mon, 20 Jan 2014 23:38:09 GMT

Hi Sez

I echo Jess’s sentiments above … although my description of the thing inside my chest is more of a coiled spring that just gets tighter and tighter and won’t release. But I fully understand your balloon option. I get the feelings often (of late) that I just want to scream at the top of my lungs or shout again, as loudly as I can … and actually sometimes in the car, I do this. Does it give me a release, I don’t really think so, but I think I just do it so I can tell my inner brain that I did do it. I know that hardly makes any sense at all, but, that’s just me.

And no matter what happens, the world does continue on; tragic events can happen to you where you come to a shuddering halt and it pisses you off (actually, it pissed me off massively) that you’ve crashed down into a terrible low place and yet the world continues on, as it always does. You just wanna scream out … everyone, stop what you’re doing and help me … support me, I’m broken and I need help.

It’s really great that you’ve taken this step to come to this site and put your post out there. That’s a very positive move. Can I please suggest that you next take another big stride forward and please contact your GP to discuss your feelings and your situation. I’m also assuming here that your GP isn’t a stranger to you and so you’ll be “ok” to do this.

And now you’ve made this contact to here, I hope that as long as you feel ok and able to, that you’ll be back in contact with us again,

Kind regards

Neil

My chest feels like there is a balloon inside it

onlysez16 — Sun, 26 Jan 2014 04:18:48 GMT

Hi Neil - well it's been a few days and those days have been hard.

I've been angry and frustrated and overwhelmed, and alone. I've figured out I eat my feelings so that's something I'm trying to work on now. Maybe reclaiming my health through food will help reclaim my sanity. I'm also in a relationship which is very difficult sometimes - I am very much the adult out of the two of us, and that is really saying something. It's hard to have to keep myself together for all the practicalities of life, but all I want to do is fall apart.

Sometimes the only thing forcing me to keep it together is the realisation of just how much harder it will be to claw myself back - it's easier to keep up now than it would be later.

And you're right - I am pissed off with the world for continuing to spin while I'm wobbling on my own axis. But I also understand I am insignificant in the grand scheme of things. Maybe my purpose is just to prove that I can survive this.

I used to think about talking to my GP, but I'm not convinced GPs are equipped to properly help with mental health issues, and I have recently moved states so I don't have a GP at the moment. Maybe I'll see a councellor or something instead.

In the meantime I'll haunt these forums. It's a perverse relief to know that others know what it's like, though I wish that wasn't the case. Maybe we are all just too soft and well-off now. Maybe I should start living hard on a farm like they did back in the day - maybe life seemed so much more glorious then.

~ Sez

My chest feels like there is a balloon inside it

Neil_1 — Sun, 26 Jan 2014 10:12:59 GMT

Hi Sez;

I don't know about living how they did back in the day; my Dad had to do that, and I grew up on his farm, and I saw the "old house" where Dad and his brothers had to grow up. It would have been extremely tough times ... and depression would have been around in those times as well. The answer in those days: "Keep your chin up, what have you got to be sad about?"

I however would love a little block of land right now; with a stack of chooks to look after; perhaps some alpaca's or goats, and of course a couple of horses for me and my daughter ... to have animals to tend and look after. And to get away from people .. yeah, that'd be good.

Sez, ok, so you've said you've moved states and now don't have a GP. Can i please suggest if you could do a search on this site for GP's ... cause the ones who are linked on this site are fully versed in dealing with mental health issues; and from that, they 'may' be able to suggest a suitable psychologist for you. Only suggestions Sez, but it might be worthwhile.

It is good that you're back here Sez, but not good to hear that the last few days haven't been good. I hope something from this post has been helpful to you and I hope you can post back again, whenever you feel ok to do so.

Kind regards

Neil

My chest feels like there is a balloon inside it

onlysez16 — Mon, 24 Mar 2014 10:23:44 GMT

Wow 2 months gone. Time to check in.

Things are hard, as I suppose they are always going to be, but the past week has been harder. I've come to realise that my relationship may not be something that I can continue with forever afterall... and I don't know what to do about that. I'm heartbroken that this person I love so much just is not in the game with me.

I've been thinking a lot lately about just shutting down. Quitting my job, leaving my partner and my dogs and my house and all my stuff, going to my brother's or my dad's: the only 2 places in the whole world where I could just show up and claim a room. I'd just lock myself away and sit. Do nothing. Think of noone else, forget about the world and it's expectations and responsibilities and it's difficulties. I wonder how long it would be before someone knocks on the door, and who it would be. I'm terrified that the answer will be never and noone.

As much as I know I probably should, I can't bring myself to see a doctor or anything yet. I simply can't.

So, as always, I just continue on, dreading the morning, and trying to remember to breath. Things will improve. They must.

~ Sez

My chest feels like there is a balloon inside it

homer_thompson — Mon, 24 Mar 2014 14:32:41 GMT

Love your attitude.. living hard is my self-prescription also. I know it works because I've never met a depressed caveman.

I admire your strength of will. I too feel that the true solutions lie somewhere other than medicine. I'm glad you posted here and I hope that the person who finally opens your door is a more happy and confident you. You certainly deserve kindness, hope and love.. don't be afraid to give yourself a bit.

Good luck in your future trevails. They will end and you'll pull through.

My chest feels like there is a balloon inside it

Neil_1 — Mon, 24 Mar 2014 23:19:43 GMT

Hi Sez;

Welcome back – very nice to hear from you again. I’m sorry to hear that things are and have been tough for you for a while now AND that things just seem to be getting harder.

Is there “no-one” you could possibly talk too regarding a number of the things you’ve raised – particularly with your relationship? It’s clear that you do love this person very much and that’s a huge positive and something to definitely hang on to and not let go. Do they know exactly how you are feeling? Is it not possible to sit them down and talk to them about it – perhaps not give them the full package of details just yet, but to give like an ‘opener’ or ‘entrée’ account of how you are?

To me it’s clear that you are battling this all on your own – I believe there might be ways for you to seek extra support, but only you can do that and by reading your post it appears that you’re not ready to do this just yet. I hope that feeling changes for you soon, because I believe that a massive weight will be lifted from your shoulders if you can seek out extra support. Please give this some serious consideration.

Your thoughts about shutting down and everything that would occur from that really concerns and worries me. May I please ask with where you’re currently living, do you not have a room there? Only ask this because you mentioned your brother’s place or your dad’s place being the only place where you’d be able to “claim a room”.

I also believe that if you did do that, all the issues and troubles that you currently have would only build and become bigger and nastier for you – as that would be all you’d be doing, just focussing on your issues and at the same time, not really being able to address them.

Again, please think deeply about this – those things that you have mentioned leaving behind are massive things in your life right now: a job (and not everyone out there does have a job and to just up and leave, I’m gathering that would not look too flash on your future resume’s), your partner (the person who you love so much – that would rip at you massively if you left), your dogs (I hold animals, pets and especially dogs in extremely high regard – as they can really lift you when you’re feeling low, and they do so much for you that you don’t realise – you take them out for walks, so you’re getting exercise. They do rely on their owner for feed, water and in return they provide unbridled companionship and are always happy to see you and don’t judge you and if you’re feeling down, they DO notice and they cling by close to you, trying their best to cheer you up).

Please Sez, I do hope you can get back to us and again, great to hear from you.

Kind regards

Neil

My chest feels like there is a balloon inside it

Avex88 — Tue, 25 Mar 2014 10:33:48 GMT

Hi,

I just wanted to let you know that I see a lot of myself in you and it made me feel a little bit good? or relieved? or at least a tiny bit comforted that I am not alone. I wonder how many people secretly feel like this? I feel like there is no one in my world that I could talk to that can relate, but then again, I probably hide it well enough that people wouldn't be sure, so maybe others do too. I don't know. Your not alone. Keep talking. You never know, it might help.

My chest feels like there is a balloon inside it

geoff — Tue, 25 Mar 2014 21:50:12 GMT

dear Sez, most partners or spouses can not cope with someone who has depression, because it's all too much for them, which is so sad, because we need their help and understanding and unfortunately this never eventuates, so no matter how hard we try and communicate with them, they just seem to turn their back on us.

It happened with myself as it was one reason why we got a divorce after about 25 years of marriage.

If you feel as though you need a break, then you should do it, and by doing this it will either make your mind up as to what you want to do, or whether you want help by a professional, so it matters as to how you feel in regards to your partner, and whether you believe that he will support you down the track, especially when you begin to improve, or whether he has drifted away.

When I say 'improve' it may seem to be impossible for you at the moment, and that's how I felt, that it would never ever get any better for me, but here I am miles down the track and so this means that I have overcome my years of depression.

In regards to seeing your GP we always worry that they are going to think that we are stupid for feeling this way, but they won't as most of their patients suffer from depression, but they go and see them for a different reason, maybe a pretend reason, but they are trained and can tell from the look in your eyes that you are suffering from depression.

If you can go in on the pretence of another problem then all you have to say is 'doc I am not feeling too well', so then all the help will begin, because you need to talk to a professional, but also with us here, as all of us have been to hell and back. Geoff.

My chest feels like there is a balloon inside it

onlysez16 — Thu, 27 Mar 2014 08:33:42 GMT

Wow it always amazes me when I come back and there are actually replies... Knowing someone else understands makes me so hopeful, so thank you all of you.

Homer - thank you for your kind words. I am stubborn when it comes to natural healing, whether that is to my detriment or not is yet to be seen. I have decided on a few small life changes which will hopefully level out my treacherous brain chemistry. We shall see.

Neil - It's very nice to hear from you again too. I am dealing with this on my own, as it has always been something I am ashamed of. Why can't I just get over it? I took the step last night of speaking with my best friend and confessing I was suffering with depression quite badly at the moment. She was so supportive and understanding, and I think I have an ally there now. Small steps. Although I may think about it, shutting down is just not an option. As I mentioned before, I am much too terrified of having to claw my way back to this level from the depths of hell I know I will fall in to if I do shut down. Trying to keep up with the world is the lesser of 2 evils. I have my own house, but if I was to run away and hide I could only go to my brothers or my dads - that's what I meant about claiming a room. I know that I have so many things to be grateful for - my job, my puppies, even my partner as much as it is hard with him at the moment.

Avex88 - At the very least, I am glad that reading my post has helped you see you are not alone. I too thought I hid it well, but in the last couple of days 2 work colleagues I don't know particularly well have both asked if I am ok as I look stressed or upset. Oops guess I don't hide it as well as I thought. Maybe we shouldn't?

Geoff - thank you so much for your insights. I'm sorry to hear that your relationship ended because of depression and lack of support. I am trying to prevent that from happening with mine, but on dark days I feel like there is no hope for us. He suffers from anxiety that he will never acknowledge or talk about, which adds to our problems. I know why he is the way he is, but when I am suffering I forget that.

I have some big stressors in my life right now - we are selling a house, my mother has physical and mental health issues of her own, and my work is really busy and difficult. Once the house is done with (which should be by the end of next week) I will have one less thing on my plate. I am hopeful things will be a bit easier after that.

I feel stupid and frustrated sometimes for understanding my depression, yet not having the ability to force it in to submission. Shouldn't I be able to fix it if I understand it?

~ Sez

My chest feels like there is a balloon inside it

onlysez16 — Wed, 02 Apr 2014 10:20:20 GMT

Finally, after many bad days, today was a good day.

My post last week was probably my worst day so far - I was having such a hard time due to a lot of things and I just wasn't coping.

But as it is wont to do, the universe let things settle in to place finally and things just suddenly got easier. My depression eased up and I could breath again.

It's still there - the dark little creature sitting just behind my eyes, watching and waiting, taking it's time before it runs rampant again. But for now I am ok.

Thought I should post a quick one, because it's not just about bad days is it?

~ Sez

My chest feels like there is a balloon inside it

geoff — Wed, 02 Apr 2014 14:54:58 GMT

dear Sez, I am pleased that you have had at least a good, but this little creature is still there and that's the problem, because you want it to leave you completely, and yes we do like to hear from you even if you do have a good day, only because this reinforces some strength back to yourself.

The statement you make 'Shouldn't I be able to fix it if I understand it', is a catch 22 question, and maybe the answer is yes, but it takes a great deal to do this with help and support, however we are never sure what other arrows this depression will throw at us, as it's an unexpected illness, and one problem leads onto another problem or just adds to it.

So we have to learn on how to build a shield so that any other arrows or the ones stuck into us will just bounce off, and when you have overcome depression this will happen, and when they do you will know that you can actually fight off this disease.

It may take awhile with a lot of injuries but it will happen, because with myself these arrows put so many holes in my body you could see through to the other side.

So what you have to do is when you see one coming try and think of NOT the damage it is going to do to you, but the benefit of blocking it off for the future and how better you will be. Geoff.

My chest feels like there is a balloon inside it

Neil_1 — Thu, 03 Apr 2014 02:53:59 GMT

Hi there Sez

Great to hear back from you and really excellent to read your latest post that things have had a nice turn for a little while. It’s great that you’ve acknowledged this and let us know as well.

But yes, understanding it is one thing … to fix it … well if you knew the answer to that, you’d be an instant millionaire!!

I was so pleased to read that you did extend out to your best friend – hugely positive step for you – and yes, with things like that, it’s great you’ve made the intro – and now just to feed little bits to them along the way.

A bit like trying to lure a bird into your back yard or something like that – you don’t go out and wave the bread or seed around wildly – you’ll scare them off. Just go out, many times and drop things there and eventually they’ll build up enough trust (care) to come to you. Rough analogy I know, but it’s been days since I’ve compiled one, so there you have it. Sorry about that.

Did we ever discuss what kinds of puppies you have?

Kind regards

Neil

My chest feels like there is a balloon inside it

onlysez16 — Fri, 05 Sep 2014 12:57:06 GMT

Well here I am again, checking in. It's been too long.

The past few months have been slowly getting better and better - I have been seeing a naturopath, nourishing my body with amazing food, lost 10kg, said some goodbyes, made some new connections, and reconnected some old ones. It's been overall pretty positive.

There's still some bad days, especially if I'm run down or tired or haven't been eating properly. These days are very quiet, and I now avoid triggers on those days (which, to be honest, is a lot of things) and spend time just breathing, centering, and reminding myself of the good things in my life.

I hope my posts have helped someone, even just to show them they are not alone. Lets be honest - I'm pretty crap at keeping in touch. But I'll try to remember to stop in now and then.

~ Sez

My chest feels like there is a balloon inside it

Neil_1 — Sat, 06 Sep 2014 09:10:39 GMT

Hi there Sez;

Hey there, you're back again - that is AWESOME to hear from you again.

And thank you for posting back and wowee, you've really made some amazing steps over the 'winter' months. And that is even harder to do, I believe, simply because it is winter and everything seems so much harder.

I hope you are really proud of your achievements - but also you have the excellent knowledge of your triggers and that yes, there will be bad days thrown up at you.

I wouldn't say pretty crap at keeping in touch - you've just been occupied doing other stuff - other stuff like taking major care of yourself. That trumps anything else in my book. But it is great to hear back from you. And you know, with how you're travelling at the moment, if you can find some spare time, it'd be brilliant to see you pop on here to give some of your advice and experience to others. I reckon you could really help others out.

Just a thought.

Kind regards

Neil