topic Staying strong for others, not myself. in Depression

Staying strong for others, not myself.

Girl_Anachronism — Thu, 16 Jan 2014 11:44:22 GMT

So dear Jo asked how I was but I felt bad about taking over her thread. I would have posted on ymy old thread except I promised I would start a new one. Even if today is far from good, I wanted to live up to some promise I made.

I'm not good today. I am feeling like breaking down due to pressures from my favourite pressure points that I haven't dealt with this past year and I am torn about what to do about it. I want to practice the techniques my psych taugh tme but the monsters are resisiting hard today. Every moment that I don't do them just gives them more strength. That leads to more indecision and...well. This leads to a vicous cycle of thoughts I am trapped in at the moment. Add to that there is housework I should have done but haven't and despite sleeping all day after being sleep deprived, I am still exhausted. If I crawl into bed I will be giving up on getting anything done which is tossing another steak to my monsters. At the same time I don't know if I can do any good not in bed.

I can't breakdown though because I am worried about my friend who is extremely ill right now and my husband is not doing great. So I am going to keep an eye on him tonight and take him to the doctors tomorrow. Other people need me to be strong, to be here and present so I am. It all feels like a layer of ice though, underneath which is a heaving ocean.

I am tossed around by all these emotions and thoughts. They all feel so real. At the same time all I can think is that right now my good friend is fasting for a life threatening operation to remove a tumour. She has all these real problems and I'm sitting here unable to get up and do the dishes because I'm to weak to even do that. I just keep thinking that if there is any power in the universe, to take the sickness from her. She is such a lovely person, she doesn't deserve what she is going through right now. Give it to me, if someone has to get sick, to die. I'll take it. Just leave her be.

None of this I'd feel right about saying out loud. Like I said, I have to be strong for her. I feel it though. Then I feel bad for feeling it, i feel bad for feeling bad...

Vicous circles and all that.

So yeah, I'm not conflicted and not good today.

GA

Staying strong for others, not myself.

Girl_Anachronism — Thu, 16 Jan 2014 11:54:28 GMT

Edit: So yeah, I am conflicted and not good today.*

Freudian slip? Or just too stupid to express myself? Doe sit even matter?

Staying strong for others, not myself.

geoff — Thu, 16 Jan 2014 21:51:15 GMT

dear GA, wow, you have an enormous amount of pressure, anxiety and depression all rolled up into a nasty ball.

Your thoughts for your friend are truly emotionally beautiful, and this also applies to your husband, but you can't get any better because being you, have more concerns for them.

You know I said to my vet to take my right arm just to keep Tessie alive, I knew that it would never happen, but she said to me 'I really wish I could do this for you Geoff, I know that you adore her and she was my special little dog', so I had to accept what was thrown at me.

This is never nice to feel this way, and now you have this mammoth ordeal to face, it's hitting you from every direction, and no matter which direction you turn it's another brick wall.

It doesn't matter how much sleep someone gets while in depression, because you go to bed exhausted and wake up exhausted.

When is the operation, maybe today if she has been fasting. L Geoff. x

Staying strong for others, not myself.

Girl_Anachronism — Fri, 17 Jan 2014 01:01:15 GMT

Hi Geoff,

Yes my sleeping tab kicked in last night early and I slept fully until my alarm went off this morning. I still feel exhausted, but like it would be cowardly to go back to bed.

I don't know what I am going to do out of bed. I don't see myself being any more useful for anyone but at least my husband will worry less.

Yes the operation is today.

GA

Staying strong for others, not myself.

Mares73 — Fri, 17 Jan 2014 01:03:08 GMT

Oh GA I feel for you so much-this thread is about you-not me-but I have to tell you that your description of what you are experiencing & feeling today is exactly how I'm feeling and I couldn't of described it better myself. So in spirit & heart, my thoughts are with you. It is soo hard isn't it when we have to keep going, feeling that those close to us don't deserve to be in pain, but at the same time we'd take the pain on for them-not just because of our love for them but also because perhaps deep down (or at top of surface) we think we deserve the suffering & pain more than our loved ones. Our self esteem is so low, our thoughts are going in every direction & we are trying to fight the demons of our own illness (which could take us anywhere in any state of mind) whilst also giving every bit of ourselves to devoting our energy (when we have none) to caring, supporting, looking after & dedicating ourselves to the people in our lives who need us. It's an exhausting battle when your tired, drained & fighting your own exhausting battles with the symtoms of your own illness-and your not feeling in a great state of mind at the moment. This is an awful time for external factors to also affect you. I think you are coping incredibly well & showing great strength & courage & perseverance given the circumstances. You really do have great strength GA, and manage to pull through some very difficult challenging situations whilst you are also feeling the effects of your own pain. I admire you for being so brave & holding on. You really are a fighter who doesn't give in but who battles your way through. I admire you so much. I will be thinking of you today & hope your husband & friend improve. Sending a big hug, Mares xxx

Staying strong for others, not myself.

Neil_1 — Fri, 17 Jan 2014 03:49:01 GMT

Hi GA

Your friend has a tumour and has to have an operation to remove it.

You have hellishly bad mental illness, but there’s no operation that will help.

Do you have another psych appointment soon … it’s really sounding like you need one … and you know why; cause you’re fighting the monsters all by yourself in order to be strong for so many people. But what if the monster finishes all the steaks you’ve thrown at it, and then decides to come for you? You could very well have a break down … which you even alluded too. Then where will you be? In an even worse place. I’m sorry GA, I’m not wanting or meaning to sound harsh, all I’m trying to get to here (and I hear you say, ‘well would you and quickly), so all I’m trying to get to here (yes Neil, we’ve heard you say this) IS for you to get some outside help for YOU. There’s so much happening for you at the moment that it’s just too hard to take on all by yourself. So I do hope that you’ve got another session booked and booked soon.

I know I say this sort of thing a lot and whether it’s useful advice or not, I’m not sure … although I do this. Jot yourself down some things that you need to do … like say, around the house. Dishes, clothes-washing, etc. And at some stage, get in there and do ONE. That’s all … just one. That’s an achievement … something that you hadn’t had done yesterday.

I’ll finish this by saying the same lovely thing that you said about your friend. GA, if there is any power in the universe, to take the sickness that you are suffering from, I wish I could harness that and send it to you. (I wish I was Michael Clarke-Duncan from the Green Mile, and I could suck all the evil nastiness out of your body, for you then to be left with none of this illness anymore). You are such a lovely person, and YOU don't deserve what you are going through right now. Give it to me – hang on, I’ve already got it … either as myself, or if I was to turn in Michael Clarke-Duncan, then I’d have it twice. But that’s ok … if I could make you better (or anyone else, I would).

A slight deviation on the lovely ode that you did for your friend, but I just wanted to tell you the above.

Kind regards

Neil

Staying strong for others, not myself.

Girl_Anachronism — Fri, 17 Jan 2014 07:26:36 GMT

It is two and half weeks til my next psych appointment with the clinical psychologist. I have to book a GP appointment in about a weeks time to get more sleeping pills because I'll run out.

I don't deserve your lovely words Neil. I can't help around the house. I can't study something when it's on my own terms and without any repercussions but my own shame. I am unable to earnmoney and feed us. We had to take 200 dollar loan from my stepson who works as pizza delivery man in order to pay a bill. Apart from the whole shame of the borrowing from his own son that my husband had to face, he doesn't earn that much. Our food this week came from a 50 dollar gift voucher from my birthday last year I found by chance. We have another 200 hundred dollars in debt to pay plus an overdran credit card.

This is on top of everythingelse. If I was a functional human being I could do something about all these things. But I'm not. And I can't.

Why do I even still exist but to bring others down? A poison on society. A tumour to be cut out.

Staying strong for others, not myself.

Neil_1 — Fri, 17 Jan 2014 23:09:51 GMT

Hi GA

You DO deserve to exist, AND you deserve so much more.

The thing is this is not you that's causing you to be this way ... I know it's so easy to say that it's the illness, but GA it is. And it isn't fair. That was such a bonus that you were able to find that voucher.

I believe Christopher might have mentioned in one of your early posts about trying to obtain financial assistance from some organisation, but I'll be blowed if I can remember where it was. Perhaps you could email B.B. directly to see if they give you the name of that place and you could hopefully investigate that as an avenue for possibly seeking out some financial assistance.

Money is a main stressor for some many people I imagine and you sound like you've got it as tough as anyone. What with everything else that is going on for you and the troubling thoughts of times gone by, it just sucks massively that another problem raises its ugly head in the form of money.

GA is there any chance of trying to book your GP appointment earlier than in a week's time ... I'm not sure but I think it might help if you were able to get along to them sooner rather than later. And again it's a shame that the psych appointment is still so far away. I don't have my first one till 13th Feb, so I've still gotta keep on keeping on till then.

You don't bring anyone down ... no one on this site do you bring down ... you come here and respond to others and smother them with words of affection, care and support. You continue to struggle with a whole range of issues, but you still are able to come here and respond to others - THAT is what is brilliant about you GA, but there is so much more. You continue to battle your troubles but you continue to survive ... that's bravery, strength and commitment.

Stuff these negative feelings GA ... and if I could wiggle my nose like that person from Bewitched, I'd do it to make all your troubles disappear. Things in time WILL turn around and you'll be able to pay your son back ... but for the time being, please know that you ARE a wonderful person and you have support and a helluva lot of friends right here for you.

Kind regards

Neil

Staying strong for others, not myself.

Girl_Anachronism — Sat, 18 Jan 2014 02:08:33 GMT

Hi Neil,

We have neough food forthe naxt few days and we are getting paid by Centrlink again on Tuesday but longterm, I don't see how we are going to pay the CC or $200 bill. Probably borrowng from yet another family member. Joy.

What would I ask for my GP for? He migh tbe hesitant to give me more sleeping pills before they start running out for fear I might take them all. He can't speed up the psych appointment. He's a nice man and really wants to help but when he got the word I had a bad reaction to the antidepressants and ended up in hosptial he got so angry at himself. He feels like almost killed me and is hesisitant to prescribe anything until I see the clinical psych.

As far as having a whine goes, there are cheaper ways that drviing an hour there and back for one. Not to be harsh- I know GP's are big part of the support for people like us and I'll do it if there's something he can do.

That's the scariest thing for me. It's been long enough now the ones i reacted ar eout of my system. So all these mood swings- they have got to be all me. It's ME that wanting to end it. It's me that can't stop laughing sometimes.

It never used to be me. I used to have a future.

I'm not sure today is worth crawling out of the blankets.

GA

PS: I opened up the page this morning and saw how you had replied and helped so many people. Hats off to you sir.

Staying strong for others, not myself.

Girl_Anachronism — Sat, 18 Jan 2014 05:20:29 GMT

Hi Neil,

I wrote another reply but it got eaten. I haven't getting pleasure from my usual distractions- videgoames, cross stitching, doing my online course ( learning for me is normally a pleasure- I am weird like that), hanging out with selected friends, nothing has worked.

So despite that I wanted to stay curled up in my blankets today, I thought I'd try going for a walk and talking some photos which always used to make me happy. Taking them hasn't. I'm going to try editing them now.

I can hear the danger bells ringing. All the time by the river- I could just pick out a spot here or there where I'd think would be a good place to finish this. a good place to end all of this pain.

I keep thinking that even having my husband near me is too much and need alone time but at the same time last night, this morning before he woke up would be a good time to do it, to grab things and pack a bag of things I would need so I could run while he was sleeping and find that right spot and just finish it.

It's exactly what happened last time I tried. I promised him I would tell him, I promised him that I would let him know. Yet it's all I can think.

The monsters are all out of steaks and all I have left to feed them are visions my own demise.

I don't know what to do anymore.

GA

'beyondblue’s clinically-trained moderators often work offline (invisible to you) on issues relating to suicide or self-harm. At the same time, general supportive comments from the community are encouraged. If you have concerns around suicide or self-harm, please phone our support service on 1300 22 4636.'

Staying strong for others, not myself.

Katy100 — Sat, 18 Jan 2014 06:09:10 GMT

GA, are you still around?

Staying strong for others, not myself.

Neil_1 — Sat, 18 Jan 2014 08:02:14 GMT

GA,

I'm with Katy on this one ... are you close by?

GA ... this is so so important. You can't be doing this ... you have got to make several pacts. Not just one ... firstly with your husband; then with your GP, and I don't care who they are, but also with your BFF, yes, your Best Friend Forever (I think that's how it goes) ... 3 pacts that you must contact EACH of these people if you feel like doing what you've described so much in your last post.

Please please ... can you do this?

Please don't go near the river again. This is how I lost my brother ... they're worse than dangerous ... please tell me in your next post to me, that you won't go near that river again. There is no right spot and there is no good time.

GA, at the top of this page is the Beyond Blue crisis number. PLEASE use it ... that's what it's there for. If you don't feel like talking, then use the web chat line ... these unbelievable people are there till 10pm each night.

Can I ask whether you know how the operation went? It might be too early, but I hope it was a success.

Hoping that you can reply to us soon GA.

My thoughts are with you and I'm sending you a HUGE electronic hug {GA} (ok, they look like shakey arms, so I'll try this ... [GA] there that looks a more sturdy and stronger hug.

Neil

Staying strong for others, not myself.

Jo3 — Sat, 18 Jan 2014 08:19:24 GMT

Hi GA,

I agree with Neil & Katy, can you pls pls contact the number for BB and chat with someone. They will help you get through this period.

GA, you have helped me so so much and i want to help you now. Pls don't go to the river again, pls contact us and let us know that you are okay.

I know it is difficult but we are all worried about you and care for you. We are your friends here and we care so much.

I agree with Neil - is there any chance of seeing your GP earlier?

I hope you can come on here soon to say you're okay.

Thinking of you

Jo xx

Staying strong for others, not myself.

Girl_Anachronism — Sat, 18 Jan 2014 08:40:55 GMT

The operation was a success. They managed to get all the tumour out of her brain. Still not sure if there were any consequences or damage from the operation, but signs look good.

I asked for some alone time out of a fit of stupidity and now my husband won't talk to me or be in the same room for extended amounts of time. It's what I asked for but now he won't stop. I am afraid I am have made him so angry and upset.

Staying strong for others, not myself.

Jo3 — Sat, 18 Jan 2014 08:45:37 GMT

Dear GA

I am so happy to read that the operation of your friend was a success. That's great news.

Isn't it crazy when we ask for space how our husbands react.

Pls take care and I hope you can get some peaceful sleep

Chat again, soon

Jo xxx

Staying strong for others, not myself.

Girl_Anachronism — Sat, 18 Jan 2014 11:25:20 GMT

He is slamming things and refused to eat the dinner I cooked, cooking his own. I'm not hugnry myself so I may aswell have thrown that food out.

Now the spare bed has been made up. My marriage is over. The last thing I had and I screwed that up too.

I'm sorry. So sorry.

Staying strong for others, not myself.

Katy100 — Sat, 18 Jan 2014 21:01:32 GMT

Well, GA, that sounds like great news on the operation ... when will you know the results for sure?

How did the photo editing go?

And, most importantly, how are you going NOW?

Have you tried talking to your husband? Is he talking to you? Does he know about your friend's operation?

Staying strong for others, not myself.

Neil_1 — Sat, 18 Jan 2014 23:42:48 GMT

Hi GA

I'm with Katy and Jo with my thoughts towards your friend and the operation; that is GREAT news that it was a success. Obviously they'll be monitoring her and the like to make sure the recovery is ok, but wow, you must be so relieved to know this. Is she far away from where you live? In that, is it an easy enough process to go visit her if you feel the need?

GA, about my earlier post and others who have responded too ... we are ALL concerned so much for you. You know that you can come here and unload as much as you want too. We're here for you and if you'd like us to respond, we will do so.

You're in a really low and dark place GA, but we've got flashlights and we're with you now. If it's a cold dark place, we've got blankets to wrap around you to keep you warm. We've got torches to light up things ... we're here for you ... I hope you believe this, but we've chased the demons away for the moment. GA, they're gone ... we're with you and we're holding you tight ... all your friends from this site are with you. Close your eyes and deep long breathes ... and think of as many of us as you can - I'll try but I so don't want to leave anyone out: Katy, Geoff, Jo, Mares, Lillybell, Chris, HMP, Christopher, Stressless, Scott, Matty and I'm so sorry to others if I've missed you off ... not my intention at all. This is all to GA to show her that we're all with you ... we've beaten off those demons, we're with you and there's so many more from this site as well.

GA, keep your eyes closed, keep your breathing nice and relaxed ... long breaths in, hold and exhale nice and long and slow. Keep thinking of us. Picture something like all of us are together sitting around on comfy chairs outside ... there's a beautiful lawn and gardens; there's birds in the trees whistling their musical songs to each other and we're just there together; shooting the breeze, chatting away, enjoying a coffee, tea, cold water, oj ... you name it ... and we're just together for each other ... for you GA.

My thoughts are with you GA ... please please know this.

Kind regards

Neil

ps: here's an electronic strong hug for you: [[GA]] actually that was a double!

Staying strong for others, not myself.

Girl_Anachronism — Sun, 19 Jan 2014 01:04:26 GMT

Hello All,

I can visit her in hospital but not until after monday. No damage but the looks of it, but still waiting on biopsy.

I ask again, is there a point to seeing my GP? He can't sped up the psych date as far as I know and is not going to put me on any extra meds until I see the psych and determine if i need them. In my financial state the petrol to drive 1 hour each way to him is a substantial imposition I'd rather not have to repeat later in the week.

We had a discussion last night, alot of which was D (my soon to be ex husband) beign very angry and saying rather harsh things. He is stillangry and won't even be in the same room with me except for a cursory good morning this morning. He said I can choose to live or die but he doesn't care which at this point. THat If I wanted to live, he was willing to try the marraige work but he was not going to put up with any more INSERTBADWORDHERE. He said my suicidal ideations and self harm was INSERT SAME BAD WORD HERE. He said I was self indulgent and full of BAD WORD.

So if I decide to live, then I'd have to smile and pretend to be no more than the normal range of mood swings that normal people get? And yet he said he still wants to support me if we go down that path. Calling emotions that I can't control BADWORD is not supporting me! I couldn't hide the emotions from him because that would be lying even by omission and that also is rule that break relationship.

Basically unless I subsctribe to his world view and what he thinks my illness is, I can't continue to be married to him.

So my options are death, a Stepford marraige where I am happy all the time or living but divorcing him and living alone.

Staying strong for others, not myself.

Girl_Anachronism — Sun, 19 Jan 2014 01:14:34 GMT

Hi Katy,

It takes a few days for biopsy and if there is any long term damage it will become apparent in the next few weeks as far as I know.

Yes he did know about her operation- it is a mutual friend. He was as worried as I was about her. Part of the reason he is so angry at me- there are people with real problems and I'm here crying over nothing. Does he not realise that I had the same self hatred for that same reason while still feeling the emotions I hated myself for?

The photos came out OK. Nothing too spectacular.