topic Losing hope in Depression

Losing hope

Butterfly91 — Fri, 26 Dec 2014 03:42:18 GMT

Hi there,

I have struggled with depression for most of my life. At the beginning of this year I seemed to have a grip on things and was doing pretty well but after a couple of months once I decided to stop taking my medication I fell into a dark and inescapable hole. I isolated myself and found it harder and harder to reach out to others. To this day I've tried three different types of medication and while i know it's not a cure, I'm still not feeling much improvement. I feel disconnected and barely like myself. I struggle to talk to others when I was once always sociable and optimistic. It feels like I am trapped and no matter what I do, nothing seems to make me feel better. In the new year I want to further my studies but even finding motivation is really difficult. It feels like I've completely lost myself and I don't know what to do. Please help 😞

Losing hope

Neil_1 — Fri, 26 Dec 2014 21:41:19 GMT

Dear Butterfly

Welcome to Beyond Blue and thank you so much for sharing your post. A quick digression if I may - I've written a manuscript of my life so far; and my journey with depression. In it, my partner wrote a short piece that defines things a little from her perspective.

She wrote something along the lines of: "Neil was the kind of person who when taking a lift in a building would get to know someone in that short space of time, that he would generally be on first name basis by the time he got to the floor he was going too".

Butterfly, and now, I'm in a lift and I can't wait for it to get to the floor where I need to go.

That's depression, that's mental illness.

I shared that as you said you were once sociable and optimistic, but now, the mental illness has taken you over.

Are you able to share what 'outside' assistance you've been able to get for yourself? ie: any counselling or doctor's appointments? I'm assuming you must have been to a Dr as you've mentioned you've been on different medications. And are you on meds at the moment? I do agree with you that yes, they aren't a cure (what a shame about that, because whoever comes up with that miracle, they'll be multi millionaires, I would think) and not being a cure, we know we've got to keep on doing other things to help us through.

Things like: counselling, talking it out, and now even coming on here - you've seen obviously how many posts I've done - so you can get a quick idea that for me being on here does help me. But I've also got the gym to go too, which is a great release; I try to eat well and drink loads of water each day.

I will shut up now as I'd really like to hear back from you.

Kind regards

Neil

Losing hope

Doolhof — Fri, 26 Dec 2014 21:48:28 GMT

Hi Butterfly,

So many of us here can relate to your story. Thank you so much for sharing how you are feeling and welcome to the family here at Beyond Blue. We are a community of people all with some sort of mental health issue or know someone who has one.. A lot of us come to just read what others have written, some people end up staying for a long time and others just flit about and maybe don't stay at all.

If you don't mind me asking you some questions, do you see your Dr regularly for the medication changes or are you under a Psychologist/Psychiatrist? Have you asked the professionals if there could be something else going on for you other than just depression?

I don't mean depression is not bad enough, but I am wondering from what you have written if there may be something else as well. I am not wanting to concern or distress you in any way. I feel that if we know what we are dealing with then we can combat and conquer it.

A few years ago I was diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder, and once I realised that, so much of my ways of thinking and behaving made sense to me and I was able to work around those issues and make life better for myself and others!

For now, think of the things you used to like doing and try to partake of some of those activities. I enjoy craft, so have a small basket with simple projects I can tackle without feeling like I need to complete the whole thing perfectly!

Do you like to read, go for a walk, do some gardening, paint a picture or just doodle on some paper? Start slowly with things you would like to do. Ease yourself back in to it.

If you find communication with family and friends difficult, try to avoid the big group things for long periods of time. Ask an individual to join you for a coffee somewhere or for a walk. Google ways to help yourself through depression. There is so much information out there these days to help ourselves, but ask for help and assistance as well. We all need someone to lean on at times.

One day I might be able to do "short replies" Ha. Ha.

Take one day at a time and little steps also. I too know the Merry-go-round ride of medications! That is another story! I wish you well on find medication that works for you, or that you can feel confident to not need any at all and manage your life well. Keep in touch with your Dr and mental health supports!

Hope this has helped, from Mrs. Dools

Losing hope

grandma — Sat, 27 Dec 2014 02:21:59 GMT

I don't think I can face another 20 years of waking up every morning with a knot of anxiety in my stomach. I have suffered from depression/anxiety since I was 9 years old. My life is "perfect" - happy marriage, two grown up children and four beautiful grandchildren. On Christmas Day I kept having these waves of anxiety coming over me. I take medication for both my anxiety and my depression. It keeps me functioning, but I can't say I ever feel truly content or happy. I see a psychiatrist every six months and have consulted with psychologists over the years. I know I need to go back to a psychologist, but having to go back to the start and tell them all the crap I've endured over 55 years is prohibitive.

Losing hope

Doolhof — Sat, 27 Dec 2014 10:14:40 GMT

Hi Grandma,

Maybe it would be very useful for you to return to the psychologist. Have you tried writing down how you are feeling? No one needs to ever read it, you can even write out a months full of rotten stuff, then rip the pages up, throw them away and never read them again from the moment you have written them down.

Maybe for some of us, the depression/anxiety/stress and other mental health issues we suffer from do not give us the capacity to feel the HAPPINESS we desire to feel!

How do you measure happiness? How do you measure contentment?

Maybe considering letting go of past hurts and burdens will help. Being able to forgive others and myself has helped me heaps and has released all kinds of tension and difficulties. I am not saying a cruise around in a perfect bubble of pure joy, but I am learning to cope with the negative stuff and not let it out grow the positives in my life.

Try and let go of a little bit of the stuff from the last 55 years. That is all behind you. Think of tomorrow and what you would like to achieve. Think of three things you are thankful for each day. If three is too hard, then choose just one! There is a post here where you could record your ideas or read others.

I don't know how to link you to that, it is beyond my computer understanding. Ha. Ha. You could start up your own Thankfulness Thread or a journal at home.

Give it a go! From Mrs. Dools

Losing hope

Butterfly91 — Sat, 27 Dec 2014 12:03:37 GMT

Hi Neil

thank you for your reply. I have noticed a couple of your posts and seen how you've been able to share your experiences and help others through theirs. That is I guess what I hope to do too. At the moment, I am not seeking much outside assistance, besides the few trips I've made to my psychiatrist who recommended my medication. Since then I've also been trying to do more exercise and meditation which seems to make me feel a bit calmer. I'm relatively new to the country and so I thought it might have been the adjusting thing that might be what's getting me down, but yet as I said previously I was doing well up until now. I think what I struggle with the most is frustration. I'm frustrated at myself for being like this, and constantly beating myself up about it even though I know it's not my fault. Is it normal to feel like you just don't know how to talk to people anymore?

I'm pretty glad I found this forum, as I do believe in the power of unity and we all know more or less the pain and frustration of depression/anxiety and hence we are able to help each other through.

Losing hope

Butterfly91 — Sat, 27 Dec 2014 12:11:39 GMT

Dear Mrs Dools

thank you for replying to my post. I'm glad to know I'm not the only one feeling like this. Though it is a feeling I don't wish upon anyone.

To answer some of your questions, I am not seeking out any treatment at the moment as it is quite costly and I don't have Medicare to cover the costs. However, I have been to a psychiatrist in the last couple of months and plan to go again in another few. I'm not really sure if I've for anything else besides depression, but I don't think I do. Though I can't diagnose myself ha ha.

Some of the things I love doing are horse riding, talking long walks and being in nature but even finding the motivation to do that is hard.

It just feels like I'm disconnected from others and I've never felt so alone. Anyway I hope to stick around and hear what others have to say and hopefully help along the way too!

Losing hope

Butterfly91 — Sat, 27 Dec 2014 12:54:18 GMT

Dear grandma

I can understand what you're going through and it often feels like a struggle to have to consult with a new psychologist again. But sometimes they really do help, especially when you find a good one.

Have you tried taking a walk or trying some breathing exercises whenever you're feeling anxious?

Losing hope

Doolhof — Sun, 28 Dec 2014 13:00:44 GMT

Hi Butterfly,

It is great to catch up with you again! I used to like horse ridingf as well and there are actually three horses on the property next to us, but we don't know the people at all well. I have never seen anyone riding the horses. Maybe one day I will try and have a chat with the people and see what is going on with the horses!

One good thing about enjoying walking is that it hardly costs anything! A good pair of shoes for support and you are pretty well set! I too enjoy walking and am very thankful we live in a country region where I don't have to walk in peak hour traffic all of the time.

You also mentioned you are new to the country, so changing where you are living for what ever reason can have many different effects on a person. We have moved from the city to the country. A good idea, but I still miss a lot of the things from city living and some of my friends think we live so far away now they never visit us, but I am always travelling to see them.

Regarding walking and finding the motivation, can you discover if there are any walking groups in your region? Do you work or study, can you ask people around you if they would like to go walking with you? I would be a lot more enthusiastic with my walking if I had someone with me at times.

Sounds like finances could be preventing you from seeking all the help you would like regarding your mental health. Have you tried the phone chat lines or the webchat site here at Beyond Blue? Some Church groups and organisations have free counsellors or at least people you can see for a gold coin donation.

You are always welcome here to seek out help and advice, and in turn you may be able to help and advise others. I have benefited greatly by trying to give people my time, attention, suggestions and ideas that may be of some assistance.

It helps me think less of my own problems, and in some ways helps with my own concerns as I think about the advice and thoughts I share with others and how I can incorporate them in to my own wellness.

Try a couple of the phone help lines and see how you get on there!

Cheers for now, from Mrs. Dools

Losing hope

Butterfly91 — Sat, 03 Jan 2015 08:41:02 GMT

Dear Mrs Dools

thank you for your reply and for the advice, I really do appreciate it. I've been trying to make small changes and I've been going for bike rides out in the park and even doing that makes me feel a tiny bit better.

i haven't tried the online chat here yet, but I plan to do that soon!

I know how you feel about being so far from friends and it feels like you're isolated but hopefully you've been able to meet new people that are there and share the same interests?

Losing hope

Doolhof — Sat, 03 Jan 2015 21:19:53 GMT

Dear Butterfly,

Hi. I hope you are able to make small steps each day to making your life better for yourself. I need to listen to my own advice! Ha. Ha. It is not always easy to be motivated or enthusiastic about getting out to do things.

A couple of days ago I managed a walk which I thoroughly enjoyed. The last couple of days have been far too hot for that, with it being about 30 degrees at 7.00 a.m.

This morning I managed to do my stretches for 30 minutes so that was good. The house is clean and ready for guests who are staying for two days.

Later this morning I am heading off to Church, a place I have not been for over a month. Our congregation is only very small. I have tried to make friendships there but it has been a real hard slog with little response. Guess everyone is busy doing their own stuff.

I need to get myself back to the Country Fire Service training nights as well. I have skipped out on those for ages too.

Hope you can find some new friends and activities that you enjoy.

Cheers for now, from Mrs. Dools

Losing hope

Butterfly91 — Sun, 04 Jan 2015 10:10:20 GMT

I really don't know how much longer I can take this 😞 sometimes I have hope, but on days like today I just want to give up 😞 it's so unlike me but I haven't been feeling like myself for such a long time and I scared that I'll stay this way forever. I tried talking to someone on the online chat but that didn't really help. I'm just struggling to see the light at the end of the tunnel

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Losing hope

Doolhof — Wed, 07 Jan 2015 06:53:17 GMT

Dear Butterfly,

Hi. I have been off the computer for a couple of days, so hope you are feeling a little better and have been able to find some help and support.

Maybe you could try the Webchat again, it may depend who you have on the other end as to how you communicate with each other. I know there are times when I have been to see different Drs. /counsellors/psychologists/ other help people and you don't always click with them.

The same goes with webchats and phone line services. You might not connect wit the first person you chat to, but there may be a different person next time who you feel more aligned with.

Have you been back to your Dr for a chat? Is he or she able to recommend someone for you to talk with to get help and advice?

Does it help you if you write out how you are feeling? I have just bought a couple of books to write in.

One I am going to really pour my heart into, letting go of so much hurt, pain, shame, grief and muck I have been carrying around with me for so long. I am very thankful I have now found a counsellor who is prepared to read all of this and to help me work through it, off load it and to move on.

The other is going to be my Happiness Book. Each day for a year, I am planning to write down something that makes me happy. I like to doodle as well, so I am going to draw in the book as I go along.

I have started a Happiness thread here at Beyond Blue. Maybe you could add something to that now and then or start up your own little book of things to be thankful for or that make you happy.

Wishing you well, and hoping you find a way to recovery. Cheers for now, from Mrs. Dools

Losing hope

Butterfly91 — Thu, 15 Jan 2015 08:48:34 GMT

Dearest Mrs Dools

im sorry for taking so long to reply, I must admit I'm not feeling as despondent as I was feeling before. I have tried different methods of help and at the moment I'm doing an online treatment course and I have a therapist who contacts me to see how it's all going. I'm only in the first 2 weeks of it but it has allowed me to see some of the negative patterns and thoughts which lead to how I'm feeling. There's an exercise for each week which helps you to deal with negative thoughts and emotions and so far I think I've found doing it quite helpful.

I've also been accepted into nursing, which makes me both nervous and excited. I've always had a passion to empower people in their illness/disease and even though it is a very challenging career I feel like it will be worth it.

The only thing is my parents don't think I'm capable and they are trying to create doubt in my mind which is only making me feel bad again 😞

Losing hope

Doolhof — Thu, 15 Jan 2015 11:32:21 GMT

Dear Butterfly,

Hi. Lovely to hear from you again. Congratulations all round for doing the online course and for also being accepted into nursing.

I am sure you will come across challenges with both things, the online course and the nursing. I am currently working through some stuff with a mental health nurse and some of that is really pushing buttons for me, but I can see the benefit in it.

I'm finding I am having moments when I am thinking, so that is why I think that way or why I do such and such! The enlightenment is amazing at times! I am learning so much and hope you do as well with your course!

Regarding the nursing, that is something I would have loved to have done, but it didn't quite work out for me. I am wishing you all the best with that. Try no to allow the doubts your parents have affect you too much. It would be lovely to have their support and encouragement., but if it is not there, just go for it any way.

A friend of mine has had a wonderful career in nursing, do so many different positions and roles and has really enjoyed herself. I worked in aged care and loved that. I am now sort of still involved with the elderly, more in a social and house work role and still enjoy that.

No need to apologise for not chatting early. We all have stuff and life to deal with, if it be good, bad or something in-between. I wish you well with all your ventures and will be looking forward to hearing more from you when you are up to posting again.

Cheers for now, from Mrs. Dools

Losing hope

Neil_1 — Fri, 16 Jan 2015 01:24:50 GMT

Hi there Butterfly

I’ve been away for a little while on this thread, and it’s great to see you and Mrs Dools sharing posts.

That is awesome news about the ‘on-line’ treatment course that you’re doing and especially pleasing to hear that you’re feeling that it’s being quite helpful to you. That must also give you a very good feeling inside; knowing that you’ve reached out and sought out your own methods of help and have come up with something that is good for you – huge congrats to you for doing this. You should feel VERY good about yourself for achieving this and I hope that the good results continue for you.

Accepted into nursing – absolutely brilliant. Yes, it is a challenging career, but as you quite right say, it will be exciting times and to have the opportunity to provide ‘hands on’ help to people who are in need would be an amazing thing to do. And I assume another thing is that a nurse’s role can be so varied also that it will give you experience and opportunity that most people would never get to do – and with that, knowledge as well.

With regard to your parents, I would try to distance myself from them for the time being – so they don’t have the opportunity to drag you down with their negative thoughts; but then after a while, when you have been doing this for a while and excelling at it (as I believe you will), you can then go to them and tell them, that they may wish to change their mind now. A kind of, hey, I showed you – you said I wouldn’t make it, but I did. 🙂

Hope that you can stay in touch to keep us up to date with how you’re going.

Neil