topic My Day in Depression

My Day

Girl_Anachronism — Sun, 05 Jan 2014 10:10:55 GMT

You are probably of sick of hearing from me by now, but I felt the need to post what happened to me today.

After a long and ardous 5 hour long conversation with my husband yesterday, I decided that I was going to go to this convention today which we have helped plan for the past month. It was a small one- not even a thousand people but a couple of days ago I was sure I would be too fragile to face that. I wasn't even sure gioing to sleep last night. I woke up this morning and decided to to go. I would be volunteering close to my husband and some friends so if things tarted to go pear shaped, help was at hand to seek medical attention. The deal was we would be there as long as I could stand it and then we could go home or to the hopsital depending on my state of mind.

It went alot better than expected. I spent most of the day there and even found the responsibility of looking after attendees helped me keep my mind of my troubles. I just focused on what others needed. When the crowd was toomuch, I withdrew to a spot working the door where it was quieter and I didn't even have to do much work.

The biggest news of all- I had fun. I laughed for the first time in days. I found myself smiling. Today was a good day.

I am not saying I won't have bad days after this, I probably will with the looming deadline of deciding what to do with my life now that I have wasted 7 years on a not quite finished degree. I haven't even began to deal with my family issues. But today was a good day all the same.

I guess that's what the point of this post is- not to gloat that I am having a good day and others aren't, but that good days can and do happen. A good day happened to me of all people, and if you've been following my posts you know good days just haven't been happening for months. If I had quit before this, I wouldn't have seen today. I see the stars I was looking for.

By gum, if good days can happen to me they can happen to you too.

The second point is when the dark comes again for me and I can't see the stars, you out there can throw this day back in my face. You have full permission to do that. You can rub my face in this feeling until it scrubs out all the darkness and I see stars again.

Now more importantly, how did your day go?

GA

My Day

Girl_Anachronism — Mon, 06 Jan 2014 06:04:37 GMT

Note to self: Re read what you are posting before you post it. I am a verbose person who spells very well and cares about spelling. When Iget scared/nervous/excited my fingers just can't keep up with the words flowing from my head and that leads to typos.

So I can spell. I just can't type. I just wanted to clarify that.

GA

My Day

Neil_1 — Mon, 06 Jan 2014 08:32:19 GMT

Hey GA

I'm am so stoked for you ... and you should absolutely gloat to everyone, absolutely. For me, and I would reckon everyone else on this site, it is a damn wonderful thing to read when we hear good news from someone.

Like Jo, the other day and getting to meet her Dad.

And we all also know that this is just today and tomorrow is another day, but you had a great time today and that is what counts.

That must have been daunting though to be facing up to that many people, but you handled it brilliantly and you were awesome to have a back up plan if things tarted to go pear shaped. Sorry, I couldn't resist ... but when I read that, I thought of two things. There's a racehorse called "Pear Tart" and I reckon to dine on something that is a Pear Tart would be devine. 🙂 I was going to put that in my ps: but thought if I massaged it into one of my drivelling paras, people might not notice. 😉

So yes GA, with how things have been for you over the last while, I'm so pleased that you had a day like you had. Well done you. 🙂

Neil

My Day

Jo3 — Mon, 06 Jan 2014 09:15:01 GMT

Hi GA

I'm so glad to read that you coped and had a good day at the convention. Well done that is a great achievement.

And to be able to smile - WOW that is fantastic. It's amazing how you feel when you can smile.

I've been thinking of you today and thought I would write to say I am proud of you, you are definitely stronger than when you first came on here.

Take care

My Day

Girl_Anachronism — Mon, 06 Jan 2014 12:02:54 GMT

Hi Neil,

Today was OK too. Kind of freaking a little over the psych tomorrow but I had introvert me time cross stitching AND bubble tea.

To top it off my husband trusted me with scissors for my embroidery today and furthermore said he trusted he to go into my psych tomorrow on my own. So yay?

Just so nervous about tomorrows appointment. This a different psych than the one at the hospital and they said if it doesn't work out that they will put me in contact with others but...

Tellling my story all over again. To someone new. I'm scared. Really scared.

GA

PS: Dammit now I feel like Pear tart.

My Day

Girl_Anachronism — Tue, 07 Jan 2014 11:12:19 GMT

Hi Guys,

Up and down like a damned rollercoaster. This was morning was bad and full of panic attacks then I had a plan and all was good again. I went swimming and felt good at being in the water at first and then bad for being so damned unfit. It all balanced out, mostly.

All to come home to an email that someone I trusted today has betrayed me.

I trust someone and this is how I get treated. I have come here and I can't even take in any of this. I can't see the happy person in my head. I can't see my stars. I can't see anything but pain.

I am done. I am so, so done.

GA

My Day

geoff — Tue, 07 Jan 2014 19:44:05 GMT

dear GA, well you should be congratulated, and you what all of this means, well most of us do, it means that slowly you are beginning to see the light.

You have changed your thinking around, and I am ignoring your last paragraph at this stage, and this when swimming your felt like a little mermaid, but then suddenly you started to become annoyed, as this is where your thinking changed, you realised how unfit you are, well aren't most of us, but this was great, it wasn't any worse about yourself.

Now the last paragraph, this person is not a friend of you, and in some way people with depression finally find out who is friend or foe, it finally shows us who we can trust and rely on through our long journey of this illness.

It would be easy to dwell on this email, but this will only make the mermaid turn into a shark, and I am no lover to any sharks.

This new psych maybe the answer to your questions, so think positive and then go for a swim and enjoy the fruits of life.

Let us know how you get on as it's today. L Geoff. x

My Day

Lillybell — Tue, 07 Jan 2014 22:09:34 GMT

Hi GA, I can relate well to what you're saying. We can be doing so well and then someone can unravel us very quickly. The key seems to be in not reacting and allowing others to control our emotions. I keep saying that I'm focusing on accepting what happens to me without reacting negatively, and the more I do this, for some strange reason, the more unable I am to accept what happens! I had a minor issue with my son last night, which left me feeling terribly anxious and full of negative thoughts about the future. I also had a conversation with my sister that was upsetting and reminded me of why my family is so dysfunctional. Then the whole negative spiral begins. Riding a rollercoaster is right GA. We've just got to hang on tight while we ride the damn thing. Let's hope today takes us back up to enjoy the view from the top of the rollercoaster. Hopefully it will get stuck up there for a while and we can get our equilibrium back.

My Day

Neil_1 — Tue, 07 Jan 2014 22:15:34 GMT

Hi GA

Just wanted to chip in here to say that I hope that your session with your new psyche goes well. It will be draining – as they always are when you have to go through all the torment and pain; it’s like you’re having to re-live it again.

I also get sick when I go on rollercoasters, so my suggestion is to get off … and get into a dodgem car … that way when you’re feeling low, just use your dodgem car to ram whatever it is that’s causing you frustration. (ps: this suggestion is to be used only in pretend dodgem cars and no way should it be used in real life).

With regard to the trusted person … how close a friend were they? To me, if they’ve betrayed you (especially if they know your background and what you’re dealing with) then I say, delete the email and I would delete the person’s contact from my computer. I actually did this, gee, must have been 5 years ago now … it wasn’t a betrayal, but it was over email. Haven’t heard from him since and I feel fine with that.

Hope to hear from you soon

Neil

My Day

Lillybell — Wed, 08 Jan 2014 01:12:19 GMT

Great idea Neil. Let's get on the dodgem's instead. I can't tolerate rollercoaster rides either. Actually I've never been on one and never will. And.. I don't like heights, so what was I thinking. GA let's ram the bs away!

My Day

Girl_Anachronism — Wed, 08 Jan 2014 02:00:41 GMT

Good Morning All,

Screw mermaids, I'm a freaking whale.

I'll get in my dodgem, drive out to the centre and you can puch my carou around while I curl up in the drivers seat. That's pretty much how I feel right now.

My psych went well, though the outcome was that while she was happy to keep seeing me and made an appointment for next week, normally she can only see people every two weeks. SHe has spoken with my GP who I am seeing Friday and I am being referred to a clinical psych in a sister program of theirs with more frequent sessions.

I understand intellectually why. This is probably even the right thing to do. It does just feel on some level like being passed around like an a unwanted toy. So while I understand and agree, I still feel bad about it. THat shouldn't even make sense.

WHy is it that I feel one way and the other at the same time? WHy do I have to be cautious of everything because it might just trigger sometihng terrible, like that email yesterday. I don't normally over react. I used to be this stable person who you could rely on.

Now I am this whale of a person who can't even stomach going to job interview this morning, despite being dirt poor. I don't know if I am going to be able to do the job. I honestly can't even see myself walking into the office without having a panic attack.

But we need money. What else am I to do?

GA

My Day

Neil_1 — Wed, 08 Jan 2014 03:57:48 GMT

Hi GA

There you have it … one of my main stressors (but I guess who doesn’t stress about this) – money!! It’s almost what everything revolves around these days. You know, Pauline Hanson really did have something all those years ago when she said: Why can’t the Mint just print more money and hand it out to people. Or it was something along those lines, I think.

Does this mean that you DID good at the interview and you scored the job? I hope so, and if so, then good on you GA. Way to go.

I understand what you’re saying about agreeing about the extra psyche sessions, but also feeling bad about it. But it’s not that you’re being handed around … it’s that they really WANT to take care of you. That’s a good thing, yeah?

So your psyche will continue to see you, and even on a more frequent basis; as well as your GP AND for this new clinical psyche. I can’t help but be happy for you about this. The professional help that you’ve been needing is set to commence and then you can unload and work on all these issues. It won’t be a quick fix and it’s going to be emotionally draining for you … but you know that all the time during it, we’re but a ‘keyboard’ stroke away from you.

Is there a plan you can put in place in case you feel something bad come on for when you do walk into the office?

I’m sorry for asking a question and then not being able to provide a possible suggestions.

Neil

My Day

Girl_Anachronism — Wed, 08 Jan 2014 10:47:48 GMT

HI Neil,

My inner History buff wants to explain a little something about printing more money and just how well that turned out for the post war Germany. That would be a much longer conversation about reparations and the Allies so I'll just say one word: Hyperinflation. If you are interested feel free to google it.

I didn't go to the interview. I had a panic atack on the way out and couldn't face it. My husband was a lot more positive than I thought he would be about it though. He said if I didn't feel up to working yet than I didn't have to. We would find money some how. He is also looking for work and had two calls for jobs today. He also suggested that if I am not I should be able to organise something with centrelink. I have contacted the hospital with the hope of getting a medical certificate for the past two week and might see what my GP has to say about it later this week for ongoing times.

I don't like applying for jobs I don't know if I'm going to be able to do. I don't want more money, just a weeks break to not have to worry about applying for jobs just make Centrelink happy.

Is that lazy of me? It feels lazy of me but I can't trust my emotions these days. I have to ask if things are rational or not.

As for when I do go back to work, whenever that is, I don't know. Like I said, rationality is not my strong suit at the moment. How do you go back to work after breaks like this?

GA

My Day

Mares73 — Wed, 08 Jan 2014 22:05:42 GMT

Hi GA, I'm so sorry I haven't replied earlier-I missed your post somehow. Wow-a lot has been happening. The swimming sounded great. Going to the new pysch & committing to her suggested plan-that shows how strong & brave you are!! Re the job interview I can totally relate. Five years ago I was travelling an hr each way to work, leaving my two young kids in child are from 6.45am to 6.45pm. I was in a senior management position at 34 & had just been offered a big promotion as a Director. I went home, told my husband that I was starting to experience bad anxiety and may leave and then-in the middle of our talk my 41/2 yr daughter says 'mummy I don't care about Xmas or anything, I just want you at home as I'm always the first one at care & the last one to leave'. Anyway I resigned that week and I haven't worked since. Yes partly it's still the kids but they are 9 and 14 now-more its about my depression & anxiety & even if I wanted a job-what would I say I've been doing for 5 years? So back to you-don't look for work if your not ready or it will become another stressor. Go see Centrelink & thankfully your husband is supportive. Take the time to get used to your new therapy (which will be tiring & emotional) & perhaps we can help each other come up with positive ideas for what to do during the day? I don't know if you read my post where I said I spent 2013 (once the kids left for school), I'd lean on back of door. Drop to floor in tears & spend day in Pjs aimless, depressed, isolated & desperate. I didn't leave the house & had no activities planned each day. I waited & counted the time til the kids got home & I'd have someone to talk to. I CAN'T have 2014 be a repeat of that or I think it would finish me.so I don't know how you plan what you do with your time but maybe we can share ideas? I've got to go for now & I'm so so sorry that this msg has turned out to be too much about me. I think it's great you don't work at the moment & don't feel guilty about it-remember its an illness like any other. You are a beautiful, strong, courageous, inspiring woman & you write so beautifully. I send you a big hug. You will be in my thoughts today & ill be bk on around 4pm-8pm. Lve Mary xxx (Mares73)

My Day

Neil_1 — Thu, 09 Jan 2014 00:56:50 GMT

Hi GA

Yes, hyperinflation – definitely not a good thing.

That must give you a huge sense of relief that your husband suggested what he did. That is really great to hear that your husband was fully supportive of you.

Applying for jobs is stressful … so many things to write up; so many things to rack your brain trying to come up with ‘key words’ that might help you secure an interview. And then, you have the interview. No matter how many you go to, they always stress me out. And I don’t know why … I mean, it’s just some people on one side of a desk, asking you some questions. Doesn’t sound that terrifying does it, and yet, the human mind creates it into one of those all-powering and consuming monsters and afterwards, you come out it feels like a huge weight has been lifted off your shoulders and you wonder what all the stress was about.

A number of years ago … wow, must be over 20 years ago, I went to an interview … I didn’t study overly much for it, and after about the 3rd question, I basically said: “Look if I continue with this I’m wasting your time cause I’ve got no idea about the questions you’re asking”, so I got up, shook their hands and left.

You’ve got to go with what your mind is telling you … with regard to having a bit of a break … there’s no dramas with that … it will hopefully help you in the long run and you might just recharge some batteries that need a much needed recharge.

You’re not being lazy. Going back to work after a long break is difficult … and needs to be monitored closely. YOU need to be monitored closely. I’m back in my ‘old job’ now after I had 9 months away from it and I’m spiralling down and down each day that I’m here; but there really isn’t much alternative. I’ve got this ‘uncontrollable’ little head twitch (or shake) just for a mini second and then it goes away … and it for the most part only happens when I’m at work … although I do note that it comes in play when I’m in other stressful situations. Plus my hands constantly shake as well … it’s amazing I can type so straight !! (insert silly cheeky grin)

Cheers

My Day

Girl_Anachronism — Thu, 09 Jan 2014 03:27:24 GMT

Hi Guys,

Minor 5 minute upset with my husband this morning. I managed to get dressed for the interview, out on maek up and all (I hardly ever do) and got in the car. I got halfway there and had to pull over before I was crying too hard enough for safe driving. I ended up having a panic attack and calling BB. AN hour later, came home to a house cleaned by the hubby who was strangely accepting of what had happened.

I expected him to be angry- we have little food and only just managed to pay the car rego. Instead he said he said it was good that I got out there and tried, even if I couldn't go to the interview and lost this job. He was even more glad I didn't crash the car, came home and called BB. This all sounds good and what he has been telling me for the past few days but the monsters in my head keep telling me otherwise. They keep me from accepting it.

So I went from good to incredibly upset and to scared to angry to crying and now I just feel numb.

Trying to keep on a train of thought is like catching butterflies. This feels like hell. Right now it feels like I am living purely not to hurt other people by leaving. I don't want to actually be here. I just don't want to disappoint them. So here I am wasting oxygen the rest of you could be using.

GA

GP appointment this afternoon yay.

My Day

Neil_1 — Thu, 09 Jan 2014 07:19:59 GMT

Hi GA

Wow, so much to write here ... I don't know where to start; ok Neil, deep breaths, deep breaths ... don't get too excited and for goodness sakes, calm down.

Ok, so here I go ... first of all GA, hats off, pats on the back and massive WELL DONE (see what I did there, putting well done in big letters to indicate the massive part of it. Yes, I know, I need help) but yes a massive WELL DONE to you for getting as far as you did towards the interview. I'm saying this, cause last time, you didn't even get out the door of your home.

It's a progression ... and it's a positive. Go girl. In fact, go girl_anachronism ... yay, that's the first time I've spelt it, I think. Wow, you must think I'm really off the planet this evening.

Amazing effort by your hubby and kudos to him as well ... that is damned impressive by him; you're in a terrible state and he's got your back totally. I'm actually stumped for things to say about your hubby with regard to what he did because I'm just so super impressed. That was brilliant.

After a huge amount of tears, and upset and other emotions, it's totally normal to feel numb ... you feel kind of washed out and just ... blah. All totally natural GA.

Everything in your post was going so well until your last paragraph. You NEED to be here and you WILL continue to be here. You're NEEDED to be and everyone you know (and highly likely thousands of people you don't know) WANT you to be here ... oh and I'm not just talking about being on this site, but that goes without saying.

GA, you're a brilliant sensational warm caring supportive loving exceptional person. You're giving, you're absolutely clever and intelligent and a teacher (you've taught me stuff over the last little while); ok, so you're emotional 🙂 but then again, who of us on here isn't? And I honestly think that the nicest people going around are the emotional ones.

Flotsam of this life, who king-hit other people and those kinds of filth ... THEY are the waste of oxygen on this planet and yet they still exist. Sorry, slight digression there.

I hope your appointment went really well for you this arve.

Sorry again for the massive post ... you guys must go, "oh crikey, it's another post from Neil - well there goes my next 40 minutes or so while I try to plough through the dribble that he puts on here.

Hope to hear from you soon GA

Cheers

Neil

My Day

Jo3 — Thu, 09 Jan 2014 08:54:27 GMT

Neil, you make me laugh with your posts. Some of the words I don't even know what they mean!!! And I really enjoy reading what you say to others.

GA, I agree with what Neil has written to you.

I really hope your GP's appt went well this afternoon.

Sometimes, I don't know what to say or write because I think whatever I write is dumb.

My Day

Girl_Anachronism — Thu, 09 Jan 2014 12:34:11 GMT

Hi Neil,

I don't know what to write here. I always look for your posts. If you notice, my own posts aren't all that brief.

This was the first time seeing my GP since joining this site and all the storm of unfortunate events that happened this holiday season. He said he was shocked to hear from the hospital about what I did. I got the referral to the clinical psych sorted so I hope to hear from them sometime soon.

My husband even did most of the talking for me, which was good because I had withdrawn and was pretty shutdown by that point. I don't deserve him. If it helps explain his behaviour he has a psychology degree, though he has never worked as one.

I am going off topic. Damn butterflies.

I also got a month off looking for work just for centrelink purposes. I guess the pressure is off a little about that. I don't know how we are going to eat next week but hey I don't have to crash my car on the way to an interview. I still don't what to do or how to feel about the whole situation.

I am not ignoring all the compliments you paid me Neil. I am just not sure what to say to them. I know I should thank you and I do for saying such wonderful things. Much like what my husband said in my previous post though, the monsters in my head won't let me believe it. I don't feel like I deserve them. I feel like you are describing someone I don't even know. Maybe there is more than two people in my head. I don't even know. I just... don't know.

So I am just going to leave that at thankyou.

Let me know if you want another word to google.

GA

My Day

geoff — Thu, 09 Jan 2014 19:15:27 GMT

dear GA, it's OK one small step at a time, it's never easy, and never will be.

The supportive replies from all these lovely friends on this site is remarkable, and it's so good to know that this is where you can get all the support you need.

One thing I must say is that your husband is brilliant, the amount of attention he has given you is exactly what anybody who has depression would want, so please pass these remarks over to him because he needs some accolades.

If you go to Vinnies they will give you a food voucher and the same can apply with the Salvos, I'm not sure what the amount is now, but years ago I got one for $30 but I'm sure this amount would have increased, but I had to make an appointment, and they just ask you a few basic questions.

Take care. L Geoff. x