topic New in Depression

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MaryG — Wed, 11 Sep 2013 07:54:45 GMT

Hi everyone, I have read quite a few posts now and I can see there is a lot of support out there. I am new to this label of depression but I realise now that at 47 years of age I have suffered for most of my life. I just didn't have a name for it. It took a death of someone very close to me and some other huge life upheavals to break down my defence against it...and I haven't been coping that well for a couple of years now. I am at it's mercy. One thing I can't get my head around is how I can feel good one day and then crash and burn so badly the next. I don't get how my family and friends can suddenly mean nothing to me and how I could even consider ending my life. But there are days and weeks when I can't get the thoughts out of my head. Alcohol is a problem for me and I know it's bad and I can go without for a while but then I'm back on it and the whole guilt thing kicks in with the deceit and hiding it from everyone. I just want to feel good. I read a book recently and the author described the voices in her head as the depression talking. It made total sense to me but I had never thought of it that way before. When they tell me I'm not good enough, or I'm stupid or I'm ugly....its not true, its just the depression. The black dog. This has helped a little. The weird thing is I have positive voices too. I mentioned it to my husband once and said that the voice in my head was pushing me on and telling me I could keep running and not to quit (I was running in a race) He didn't know what I was talking about. He has no voices...positive or negative. Am I the weird one?

I am working in a foreign country for the next couple of weeks. I crave the solitude, but it's not good for me. The hotel room is quiet and gives my mind too much space. Those negative voices came with me and the vodka is very cheap here. Not sure why I am writing this...other than I think I need some help.

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geoff — Wed, 11 Sep 2013 20:10:09 GMT

dear Mary, hello, and I am so pleased that you had the fortitude to post to us, as there are many other people who would dearly love to post a comment but feel guilty, shy or think that their problem is not of any great concern, which is wrong, because they may have viewed previous comments which means they maybe depressed.

I just wonder whether you have been diagnosed by a doctor, but I would encourage you to google 'bipolar depression' and see if this suits what you are feeling.

Drinking alcohol, like myself when in depression is a way we try and numb these awful thoughts, so I can't condone you from doing this, but once your depression is under control then your consumption will lighten up.

With depression we always have negative thoughts and yes there are always voices running around in our mind telling us to do this or that which may not be appropriate.

I often refer to a cartoon with Fred Flintstone where he is standing and thinking, on his right shoulder is an angel figure of Fred, and on his left shoulder is the devil figure of him, both are trying their utmost to convince him to go their way, well that's us when we have depression.

So you are not crazy by having these thoughts, and to try and convince someone who has never been to hell and back is impossible, they don't believe a word we say.

What you could do is to click on 'resources' at the top of this page and order all the material with regards to depression and more, it's free, and very good, this might mean that your husband can read it, and hopefully he does.

Having solitude is what we all want in depression, we don't want noise, nor to have to make decisions, don't want to justify why we can't do the shopping or cleaning.

Maybe you could go and see a doctor where you are now, just to start you on some antidepressants, but ideally when you come home book an appointment with your own doctor which would be more preferable.

There is medication that could help stop you from drinking, but as your new, we are not allowed to mention the names of them, but your doctor will know.

What it does is to stop the craving to drinking alcohol, but it will only work if you don't want to drink any more, and even if you do drink there will be no buzz form it.

It seems as though you are really alone at the moment, so please keep in touch with us. L Geoff. x

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The_Real_David_Charles — Wed, 11 Sep 2013 22:34:19 GMT

"The weird thing is that I have positive voices too"

Dear Mary,

The mix of good / bad thoughts might be a good thing. Sometimes you get to re-group and kick on and other times it's too hard to do anything.

I'm bipolar and immediately I thought "that sounds like bipolar - changing moods faster than you can change clothes for a night out". But then it's probably another part of your coping mechnism - to try and achieve something. Running a race and really getting motivated seems to suggest a lot of desired control and result. If only you could get that mindset when you're in that hotel room "with too much space" (? the hotel is inside a Planterarium with $20 million dollar Hubble Telescope. Lol).

It's your choice to replace the cheap vodka with other drinks. I had a neighbour abuse me the other month and tell me I was a Fat F**k. The dispute got settled - he was very angry at losing custody of his kids. My neighbour is now OK in relations with me and I am even considering a cheeky Christmas Card - from Fat F**k. Maybe a bit of humour or misdirection will make the overseas trip less reclusive and bitter.

Bit of a contrast - inner turmoil, blocked, locked into negativity, and the hotel room with it's large area and view of Uranus. My voices in my head are mainly music as I'm a composer. If I spend too much time in one space my dog says "Just throw the damm ball".

Adios, David.

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Ben_of_the_Plains — Wed, 11 Sep 2013 23:19:33 GMT

Hi Mary,

I just wanted to let you know that you are not alone. My situation is similar to yours in many ways, I too have suffered all of my adult life, and only recently sought help. I too have struggled with alcohol abuse, as well as emotional numbness (except guilt - for some reason that one always seems to stay around!).

You certainly aren't weird for having 'voices' in your head - I believe we all have an internal dialogue (that is, our thoughts) that is always going. The thing with depression (just from my own experience) is that it dictates the types of thoughts.

Just so you know, it is very common for people who have mood disorders to also have drug and alcohol problems. For many of us, it's a way of making our minds quiet (or just 'different') so we can escape for a little while. It's the only way that we gain a little control over what's happening in our own minds.

All that said, the fact that you have posted here says you've probably been thinking about asking for help for a while. I can tell you that asking for help can be very confronting as well as scary, but like anything in life, it does get easier with practice!

It's well worth asking yourself, if you ask for help, what's the worst thing that could happen? If your experience is similar to mine, you'll probably find that you have very little to lose and a lot to potentially gain. And then if you do start receiving some form of treatment and you aren't happy with it, you can either change it, or stop it.

Please let us know how you go.

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MaryG — Thu, 12 Sep 2013 02:44:17 GMT

Thanks for your responses everyone. It really helps to know that I am not alone. I have been to my GP and told her of the depression and suicidal thoughts and a little about the alcohol. She sent me to a counsellor and I went a few times but it was really hard talking about my feelings. She challenged me often and I just didn't have the answers to her questions. She suggested I talk to my GP about medication, but I'm too shy/embarrassed to have that conversation with her. I have tried to talk to a couple of friends also but I always chicken out. Other people seem so able to just spill their guts out and talk about such things to me, but I can't go there. I don't know how to start the conversation. Everyone thinks I am so together and amazing. If only they new. Thing is I was off the alcohol for a few weeks and I felt really good. I was even happy. But for some reason one day I just couldn't walk past the bottle shop without going in.and here I am again in its grip.

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Ben_of_the_Plains — Thu, 12 Sep 2013 10:11:01 GMT

Hi Mary,

Thanks for posting back! It can be a very difficult thing to be open about - it's never a pleasant feeling when you need to show your vulnerabilities. It's also bloody embarrassing!

Just something to think about. If you aren't completely honest with your GP about what is happening, how are they supposed to be able to give you the right help?

Your GP can help with problems like alcohol abuse/addiction. But only if they know it's a problem for you.

I'm not saying I was able to go to my GP and spill my guts either (at least not all in one go!), and oddly, talking to my GP about my alcohol problem was actually more embarrassing for me than talking about my depression.

I was admitted as an inpatient at a mental health hospital for my depression for a second time earlier this year. Coincidentally (and I have to say my worst nightmare at the time!), a former colleague of mine was also an inpatient at the same time. The first thing she said to me was 'OMG! What are YOU doing here?!? You have everything together!' The only response I could give her was 'No, unfortunately I've just become very good at making it LOOK LIKE I have it all together, and as far as depression goes, no one is immune.'

I can also honestly tell you that I know the feeling of having a mental conversation with yourself about how today, you aren't going to go to the bottle shop. Next thing you know, you're telling yourself you've had a rough day, and you can always not go to the bottle shop tomorrow, right? And before you know it, you're sitting on the couch, alone and drunk, with bottles littered everywhere...

It doesn't have to be that way.

In fact, I wish my depression was as easy to treat as my drinking problem was! But the thing is they often go hand in hand. Without dealing with both problems, it becomes very difficult to treat either.

Please let us know what you decide to do.

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geoff — Thu, 12 Sep 2013 16:00:50 GMT

dear Mary, it's very easy to 'to chicken out' if you want to talk to your friends, because the first thing they will say is that your are an alcoholic, or a piss pot, and that label will attach itself to you forever, just like myself when I was depressed and drank alcohol, now it doesn't bother me, because I'm not a piss pot now.

If I was you I would change counsellors or psychologists as this one was far too heavy on you, people with problems have to be 'treated with rubber gloves'.

It's important not to give up. L Geoff. x

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MaryG — Fri, 13 Sep 2013 10:43:39 GMT

Thanks so much Geoff and Ben, it is so weird for me actually talking about this and getting such worthwhile responses. Yeah that counsellor was rough on me. I told her that my husband was staying up all night on suicide watch, which he was, and so she suggested he come in for a session. It turned into couples counseling then and it wasn't about me at all. I was directed to her because she is a grief counsellor and my father's illness and death was the trigger for my recent decline. It is so hard to go back to the doctor even though I know I should. I feel like a hypochondriac. Plus I have convinced my husband that I'm doing ok now. So hard to turn around and say I'm not. He worries so much and I like how we are now. I don't want to kill the mood. So why do I drink in secret and to the point of passing out every night when I am on my own? I feel like I don't even want to sometimes but I do it anyway. It makes me feel good for about 10 minutes and then I spend the rest of my time chasing that feeling. I get so crazy sometimes, so kind of worked up, I don't really know how to describe it. It's like I need something but I don't know what. I feel desperate and so on edge. Sometimes I deliberately harm myself, mostly after I wake from a pass out, but not always, sometimes in the middle of the day for no reason. I just want to feel better. I don't know how self harm achieves that, but somehow it does. Wow this is turning into a full on confessional. So screwed up.

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MaryG — Fri, 13 Sep 2013 11:59:30 GMT

I hate this country! I used to love it here..I wrote this whole post before and tried to post but the connection failed. Aaargh! Finally felt like I was making a connection and now it's all screwed up. I tried the online chat here and on lifeline but its only for people in Australia. I'm I am an Australian, why would it exclude me and boot me off?

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geoff — Sat, 14 Sep 2013 00:05:07 GMT

dear Mary, it's a pleasure talking with you as I can relate to it so much.

dear BB can you please look into this for Mary as it's important for her to be able to talk to online chat. Thanks Geoff.

Mary please don't even think that you are in any shape or form a hypochondriac, I never believed that I was, and I suppose that we who have depression have been called that, and this so unfair to even mention it to us, because this illness just wipes away a large chunk of our life. Period full stop. lol

I do understand that when the mood is good it's so hard to want to change this, however you are doing this for your husband, which is great, but it won't last forever before the big crash happens again, and your not prepared for this, and this is what worries me so much.

We drink in secret because we don't want other people to criticise us and/or to tell us 'that you have had enough so stop drinking', which only wants us to drink more, so that's why we hide it.

We also don't want them to see how much we consume, because then we are called an alcoholic and/or piss pot, and in their eyes we are, but they don't take into consideration the only reason we do it is because we aren't well.

You make a good point here ' It's like I need something but I don't know what', and this is the missing link, and there is no real answer to this statement, or maybe we think that by getting under the weather it will be much better tomorrow, but that's the alcohol talking.

Only until you have accepted the death of your father, and I am sorry for this, will you be able to learn how to adjust again, and this is where it becomes a difficult task. L Geoff. x

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MaryG — Sat, 14 Sep 2013 01:03:17 GMT

I am so glad my posts made it last night. The internet is so flaky here. We just take it for granted at home. I miss my Dad so very much and I sort of think sometimes he would be looking down at me and be so disappointed in me (I dont believe in heaven btw, but somehow i think he is with me) And then I think that he would understand completely and he would hold me tight and everything would be ok.

It is hard to hide how much I am drinking. I t is constantly in my mind and the hardest thing is disposing of the empties. My family and friends drink for the taste and the social side of it. That's not me. I want the buzz and the excess. I have a wine with them and sneak off to my hidden bottle of V for a decent hit. I try not to get completely wasted when I am with them. So I don"t think I am an alcoholic really. Because I can stop if I have to. The first day is a bit shaky I must admit but after that I am OK. I have a day off work here today and I will probably drink a lot.

I had a bad flight home last time. I had a few drinks before the flight and another couple on board. I passed out I guess or slept, I don't remember. Anyway when I woke they were serving breakfast and I was suddenly engulfed in the darkest mood. I have been there before but not this bad. They put the seat belt sign on for landing and I seriously considered getting up and opening the door of the plane. It was so scary and I felt that horrible feeling of desperation and fear. I just wanted something to happen. Other people are scared of flying. I hope the plane crashes.

Thanks again for the contact..I really appreciate it. I haven't been this honest with myself or anyone for a while. Mary

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vip — Sat, 14 Sep 2013 09:53:01 GMT

Hi Mary just look for another psych I had to change a few before i found the right person. My psych is actually a male i found female psychs are not very compassionate at all well that was just my experience so im sure other women in this profession are great. Look you have told us everything you feel through your posts this is what you need to tell your psych also. Write it all down in a journal thats what i did on my first visit and read it from there until you get more comfortable. Unfortunately you have to open up if you want to get better so you need to discuss the alcoholism ect and disturbing thoughts with that psych asap. I was really closed when i went to my psych the first time but after a few sessions it just got better. I have no experience with the drinking part but i attempted suicide 3 yrs ago and survived it so i am speaking to you with experience from the disturbing thoughts. Totally understand how you felt on that plane ive had the same thoughts in the past. Make you you tell everyone around you when you feel like that especially the professional people your dad would not want you to react like this after his passing do him proud and get all the problems soughted and start living. I am fully recovered today after 22 yrs of depression and i wont waste a single minute living now. Hope this helps take care.

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MaryG — Sun, 15 Sep 2013 04:43:34 GMT

Thanks Nes, glad to hear you are on the way to recovery and that you are not wasting a minute of your life. I hope that I might be able to offer some support here to others soon. I do have periods of time when I want to live and make the most of every minute, but then the darkness falls and all that is gone. I'm not even sure I want to die, I just want to be in pain. I don't really understand the thoughts. I talked to my GP about how I was thinking of harming myself. She said something about how I didn't go through with it because I felt for how it would affect others. Reality is that when I am in this dark hole I don't care about anyone else. That is one of the scariest things. I can suddenly go from loving mother and wife and daughter to being so lost and alone and desperate. I do keep a journal sporadically. I get really paranoid about people reading it and I stop. I get embarrassed reading back what I wrote. I actually found my old teenage/young adult diaries not that long ago and I destroyed all the pages that hinted at the darkness. I just kept thinking that people would read them when I'm dead and I didn't want them to read the truth. This anonymous dialougue feels good, I haven't written or spoken about some of this stuff before. MaryG

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geoff — Sun, 15 Sep 2013 15:38:34 GMT

dear Mary, all I can say is 'ditto'.

When I was depressed alcohol was my saviour as well, and I did the same as you ' have a wine with them and sneak off to my hidden bottle of V for a decent hit.' L Geoff. x

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MaryG — Thu, 26 Sep 2013 22:15:22 GMT

Just wanted to let you know that upon my return to Australia I went straight from the airport to see my GP and told her everything. The alcohol, the depression, the massive panic attack, the self harm. I cried for the whole time pretty much but she was so supportive and compassionate and she took me seriously. There is always this thought in the back of my mind that I'm just making it all up or that no one will believe me. My husband came with me and I was also able to reveal a few things that he didn't know about either. I was emotionally drained afterwards and she gave me some medication to help with the alcohol withdrawal. 9 days sober now. The shakes etc were really bad at first but have eased off now. I would so desperately like to have a drink now, but I am feeling strong enough to resist. I feel given the opportunity that I will fail at this, but for the moment it is just day by day. She sent me to see a psychologist and our first meeting went well I think. Next one on Monday. I also confided all in a friend and she has also been so supportive. I guess its my low self esteem, but it always shocks me when I find out that people really do care about me. I slept for the first night last night with no sleeping pills or alcohol to make me pass out. I feel very low and depressed and tired and stressed this morning, but kind of glad that I was able to. I have been working this last week which is a good distraction although not helping with the stress at all. Thanks for listening. Mary G

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geoff — Fri, 27 Sep 2013 17:00:58 GMT

dear Mary, you're a chap.

I know the feeling of not drinking after we drink to excess, it does feeling lonely at first, like what am I going to do now, how will I distract myself without a drink, but day by day it seems to get better.

I am not suggesting this and please don't take as a free pass, but we do 'relapse' again and again until finally we stop, I understand this but I'm not sure your husband would if you break out again, and this isn't failing, it's part of the course.

9 days is great and what I did was to have a large glass of fizzy soft drink and to drink most of the glass in one go, that is gulp it down.

I'm not sure how the medication is going for you, because it did nothing for me, but if it works then terrific. Have to go now, but will continue if you reply. L Geoff. x

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MaryG — Sat, 28 Sep 2013 08:42:20 GMT

Hi Geoff,

Not feeling so inspired that you believe I will fail. I know in my heart that it is true though. The need is so strong. If I was alone I am sure I would relapse. Going back to see the psych on Monday. She said she was going to help me work out what the void is that I am currently using alcohol to fill. It all takes so much time though. I want an instant cure.

mary

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geoff — Sat, 28 Sep 2013 15:55:02 GMT

dear Mary, sorry it should have been champ and not chap.

'The need is so strong and if I was alone I would relapse', it has enormous power, so it's a catch 22 situation, you have stopped drinking but is this because you want to, or is it because you need to, as you initiately said ' I can go without for a while but then I'm back on it'.

When I stopped drinking it only took something to happen to me, and when not being depressed this might only be minor, but it was big enough to get me to start drinking again.

You know what the void is, it's just being able for her to help you with these feelings of depression, because that's why you drink.

Everybody just labelled me as an alcoholic, they all ignored my depression and that's why I was drinking.

They weren't interested in trying to help me with my depression, they only criticised the end product, and their comments they said to me were 'if you stop drinking you will get better', so aren't they in denial. L Geoff. x

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MaryG — Sun, 29 Sep 2013 03:56:06 GMT

Geoff,

I thought chap was just some weird thing you call people haha. You say I know what the void is. Do I? I know it's always been there but I've never known how to fill it. Alcohol is relatively recent although I remember sneaking cooking sherry from the kitchen when I was a child and hiding it in a plastic cup in my room to scull at some later time. When I first told my gp that I was drinking a lot about a year ago she said I had to deal with the cause first and then worry about the drinking. I guess now though the drinking is creating such other problems for me I have to try and deal with the depression and the drinking at the same time. They say I can't drink and take antidepressants at the same time, so it's one or the other. I still just can't imagine a future without the alcohol. Maybe I'll try the fizzy drink trick. I must sound so naive...9 days sober. It's nothing really is it? Just a blip.

this has turned into a bit if a rant. Thanks for sharing and listening.

Mary

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geoff — Sun, 29 Sep 2013 16:06:01 GMT

dear Mary, the void is our depression.

Your GP was spot on 'she said I had to deal with the cause first and then worry about the drinking', because most professionals, that is GPs, psych, counsellors always say the opposite, but when I had depression that was a stupid comment, and then turned me off going to see them, simply because they didn't understand.

9 days turning into 10 days is certainly NOT a blip, because this effort I know seems like years.

What the fizzy drink does is fills up our stomach and the bubbles quench the thirst.

Please don't stop posting now, because it's a remarkable achievement. L Geoff. x