topic Going out with the tide in Depression

Going out with the tide

Girl_Anachronism — Thu, 02 Jan 2014 02:05:38 GMT

I'm not sure what the point of this post is or if it will even mak sesne. There is jumble of emotions in me..I'm not sure where to start.

We went to the beach yesterday. It was too rough to swim but I stood in the shoreline, feeling the waves crash into my legs and leaning down, feeling the drag as the water was pulled back out again. All the water, pulled by a huge nameless force that we humans are forced to bow befoe it.

The day had been ok. I even let loose a few unconscious squeals of happiness as the water first brushed my legs, cold at first and then later the only place that felt warm. My husband lay behind me up the beach, hidden under a towel (he's red headed- him going to the beach for even ten minutes is like begging for a sunburn).

Yet, sitting in the waves, feeling them go in and pull out, all I could think of was how easy it would be to just let go. Stop digging my self in the sand and let the tide take me. Where when I would go I don't care. Just away from here. Away from me.

I don't like me at the moment. I donlt like this house. I don't like the tree outside my window. I don't like; I don't want any of this.

It's so hard to fight. It's so easy to let go.

Can't I just let go? I'm so tired of fighting. So tired of all of this.

GA

Going out with the tide

Neil_1 — Thu, 02 Jan 2014 04:29:25 GMT

You’re in an awful place at the moment … could I please ask that you don’t go back to the beach for a while; and DEFINITELY not by yourself. Please promise me that. I know only too well the dangers of water. Mine was from a river, but the ocean is even more powerful and dangerous.

My mind’s a bit of a rabble at the moment, but do you have an appointment coming up possibly next week, or did you not have one sometime this week? I’m sorry for asking cause you have said in other posts. I feel crap for having to ask … but I hope that there is one soon

GA, don’t let go … hold on and please keep fighting. You might say why. But for the time being, I’m just going to say hold on there girl. I know you can … and even if only for a smidgeon of yesterday you felt happiness. I know this … cause you told us in your post.

You even added humour to your post by commenting about hubby hiding under a towel otherwise he’d be roasted.

You’re in the fits of bad depression, but there’s still little rays of sunshine poking through. Ok, so they’re weak and now overly powerful, but they really must quite powerful to be able to penetrate the blanket of darkness that you’ve got over you.

Is it possible to phone up a tree surgeon to remove the tree that’s outside your window? I mean it must be ugly as all sin for you not to like it … um, but don’t do anything too drastic to your house though. That’s probably quite important at this time. Especially for hubby, cause the roof is a saviour for him from the sun … so don’t be doing anything with the house, ok?

You know 10CC had a song heaps of years back … “I don’t like cricket, oh no, I LOVE IT”. You know, that’s how I feel during summer … and the 12th Man also had a song out way back when called “Marvellous” and there was a line in it, “Cause in summer, in Australia, if you don’t like cricket, well it’s a real bumma that, cause cricket is the number one game in town”; I could go on, as I know that song off by heart.

My point here is ………. Um, yeah, what is my … oh yeah, my point here GA is: I quite like cricket. No hang on, I love it. Do you?

And you know it’s a real case of either you love cricket or you can’t stand it. But here, play the game with me … what’s your thoughts on the ball hitting willow throughout the summer months?

Hear from you soon please? (insert cheeky wink)

Neil

Going out with the tide

Girl_Anachronism — Thu, 02 Jan 2014 06:15:53 GMT

HI Neil,

I have an appointment with th epsych team at the hospital on Monday, and my regular psych on Tuesday ( this is the one I organised weeks and weeks ago).

As for the tree, it's on council property on the verge so I can't really do anything about it. Even if I had good reason to tell the land lord as to why I want it gone.

Call me a real bummer than because I don't follow any conventional sport. Never understood the attraction of any of them. I wish you all the fun in the world with it though. Just coz I don't get it doesn't mean you can't enjoy it.

You know it's my wedding anniversary today? It's been four years since we were married. THreyears before that we met. I posted a lving message on his facebook and swore up and down that I would be ok while he caught up on some sleep. I meant that.

Thing is I also mean the post above. I feel like I am two people living in the same body. One want s to live and the other, not so much. THe other is so so tired of all of this and wants a current to just wash her away.

I don't know who I am anymore. I don't know what to think.

GA

Going out with the tide

joey — Thu, 02 Jan 2014 09:38:33 GMT

Hi GA,

I find the ocean very powerful. I wrote some poems about the ocean (a few years ago). I was in a very dark place at the time and the poem explained why I was so connected to the ocean I guess. Your notion of going out with the tide made me remember this. It's strange I don't generally write poetry but in my darkest moments this was the only think that I could do to explain how I felt. Would you mind if I shared my poems with you? Maybe you can relate to them, maybe then at least you would not feel alone and maybe to know I got through what you are going through would help. Would that be alright? I don't want to post something that will be more upsetting! They are not happy poems but sometimes I think playing happy music when you are depressed just seems silly. People used to tell me to do that - play less depressing music. My friend thought it was my music that made me depressed!!! But no I needed music to match my mood. Anyway what do you think?

Going out with the tide

Girl_Anachronism — Thu, 02 Jan 2014 12:09:54 GMT

I know what you mean about needing something to match your mood. Maybe others are different and that is what does set them off. Not me. It helps having sad music when I was sad, happy music just felt abrasive.

If BB lets you post them and your comfortable, sure. Can't be any worse than right now.

My husband deserves so much more than this broken doll of wife. He deserves something more stable. I just feel I am doing him no good. I'm not doing anyone any good. Even myself.

GA

Going out with the tide

joey — Thu, 02 Jan 2014 19:59:22 GMT

I will post now but also first wanted to say that your post above is wrong. You deserve your husband. He is unfortunate that his wife is sick but don't feel he deserves more. Because when you improve he will have a wonderful, supportive wife with a lot of insight and compassion. You are doing all you can right now and he has chosen to support you so accept that. Don't push him away or put it on him that he deserves more - please value yourself.

Going out with the tide

joey — Thu, 02 Jan 2014 20:02:20 GMT

Alone, drowning in the ocean

The rip surrounds me,

Swirling emotions.

My friends are afraid,

They see the rip

And know,

If they come to save me,

The must face the emotions surrounding me

I am afraid,

If I ask for help,

If I let people to close,

They may feel the turmoil

They may not be able to protect themselves

From the savage waves,

And I may lose them.

So I go further under,
Drowning in salty tears,

I sink deeper.

Reality blurred,

By sand swirling in my face.

Will I find the strength to break free,

And if I do,

Will I ever make it to the shores of recovery?

The sun glistens and sparkle

A surface of happiness

That hides dark pools of sorrow

I bob up and down,

Between love and hate,

Happiniess and sorrow,

Comfort and fear.

To survive takes just enough strength

To keep my head above the surface.

But if I get lost in my emotions,

Lose sight of the world above my own

I will be taken by the ocean,

Drown deep in the waters of my emotions.

Going out with the tide

joey — Thu, 02 Jan 2014 20:05:55 GMT

Calm, crystal clear in the morning

As the afternoon sea breeze come in

Waters begin to swell

Emotions crashing waves

Pushing friends further out to sea

Blue, crystal clear

Outwardly sparkling and carefree

The shark swims beneath a surface

Savage and taking control

Unpredictable

Unseen rips

Take hold unexpectedly

I fight them but need help to break free

Fear, the sand beneath me is constantly changing

It will never again be the same

Fear, creatures washed out to sea

Will they abandon me?

Can I tame the ocean?

Float along the currents.

And tame the sharks

And know that when the tide changes,

The calm waters will return.

......................................................................................

I took a couple of lines out of this one as thought may not get through. But what I like is even in the darkest moments I seemed to know that it wasn't forever that the calm waters would return. I certainly didn't feel this or know it consciously. But deep inside I guess I did know. And maybe you do too. Stay safe. Remember things never stay the same. Some days will be better.

Going out with the tide

Jo3 — Thu, 02 Jan 2014 22:07:07 GMT

Hey Joey

I can relate so much to these poems.

Thanks for sharing them.

Going out with the tide

Jo3 — Thu, 02 Jan 2014 22:11:29 GMT

Hi GA

I hope you're okay this morning. Just read your last post and do you know what? Your husband deserves you because you are a tower of strength, you are a fighter. Ok, maybe for now your mental illness is taking over but you can get through this. You can fight it and beat it. And then your husband will be so damn proud of you.

You know I thought the same thing as you a while ago but then I thought ok i have this mental illness, i am not who i was before but i am coping as best i can for now and my husband knows this and is still here for me. At times though i thought he would be better off without me; but no our husbands are here for a reason - because they love us and will be with us no matter what, now matter how bad we treat them - they are here for us now.

I am building that island somewhere for myself that was a great idea. That is going to be my "safe place" that i can imagine.

Take care GA, talk soon

Jo xx

Going out with the tide

Girl_Anachronism — Fri, 03 Jan 2014 06:27:42 GMT

HI Joey,

Your poems are lovely. I used to write peoms in highschool, but have move don to novels now. Peoms ar emuch easlier let me tell you. No constant plot to worry over! Damn plot bunnies. I don't know if ypu are that way inclined but one of the few reasons I got through November was because I did National Novel Writing Month. It really helped me to focus and gave me soemthgin to do in the hours where i couldn't sleep.

I wrote 50 000 words towards my novel in 29 days, I haven't written any since- I have been in too much of a funk to think alot of the time.

GA

Going out with the tide

Girl_Anachronism — Fri, 03 Jan 2014 07:09:21 GMT

HI Jo.

I wish I could say I'm ok but I'm not. My mood has been pretty low and I juat had a panic attack over losing a particular box of chocolates. We have tonnes from christmas, why did it need to be the one that I couldn't find? I got so...stuck I couldn't sit down at the pc, couldn't make cup of tea, without thinking about where the box was and panicking.

I eneded up call BB and they talked me out of my panic attack. THe good half of me, the happy one, wants to live and promised that.

I will call them again if it gets bad. I am just so scared, that I am losing my mind.

GA

Going out with the tide

beyondblue_Online_Communi — Fri, 03 Jan 2014 09:09:42 GMT

Hi Girl_Anachronism

Just checking in as we are worried about your most recent post. It sounds like today is a really hard day for you and we want to make sure you have enough support to get through it - It's fantastic that you have already phoned beyondblue and we are glad that this has helped. We would encourage you to phone again however on 1300 22 4636 and let them know how you're going now.

We have also sent you an email with contact details for you nearest mental health service incase you don't already have these details.

Please take care and keep in touch via the forum to let us know how you're going.

Going out with the tide

Girl_Anachronism — Fri, 03 Jan 2014 14:14:15 GMT

Thankyou for the comment/post/email/thing.

I am ok for the moment. My husband knows how I am feeling at the moment and I hav phone numbers handy if like earlier I can't tal to him. Hoping a quiet weekend in will help unitl my appointments. Not that I haven't been spending all of the day inside the house.

I just feel like I am letting everybody down. There are normal funtioning people out there. Why can't I be one of them, not this broken rotting corpse? Because of me he is going to miss out on a convention he helped plan and orgainse, because of me he can't sleep.

He can't trust me not to swing low and do something when he isn't looking. I'd refute it but I can't trust myself etiher.

I'm losing my mind, I know it.

Going out with the tide

Girl_Anachronism — Fri, 03 Jan 2014 14:27:48 GMT

I'm sorry for taking up your time.

I'm so so sorry.

I just want to..scream..or something.

Going out with the tide

Jo3 — Fri, 03 Jan 2014 19:50:24 GMT

Hi GA

I hope you can get some sleep today. You sound exhausted.

Please take care and phone those numbers you have in you need to.

Just letting you know that I am thinking of you, please take care

Jo xx

Going out with the tide

joey — Sat, 04 Jan 2014 00:31:06 GMT

Hey GA

I have a lot of trouble with looking for things (that don't really need to be found) and panic too. Once 13 years ago I stayed up till 3am looking for an expired drivers licence (clearly not needed as expired) and I stayed up for 6 hour looking until 3am when I had an exam the next morning and should of been studying. This was one of the first times I realised I actually had a problem! An item just pop into my head and I have to find it. Sometime this can happen when on holidays and if I don't know exactly where everything in my house is I get very distressed. Anyway it has improved over the years but still a problem for me sometimes. People always thing OCD is neat but actually it can be very messy if your compulsion is to take everything out to find one item!

One thing I have found that might be of help is that you just have to let go of feeling bad about things you do when you are distressed (like calling beyond blue or posting or **** something you think was 'silly' like looking for something). I found that not only did I have these distressing event but then spent the next 3 days stressing over what had already happened. It doesn't fix it. And by that time something else 'bad' might happen so starts over. So just try and let go. I say to myself I have a condition and did the best I could then I think of things I could do to stop it happening again instead of wasting time feeling bad. Like next time I will try and side down for 10 minutes before continuing looking. I have some 'panic strategies' in a note on my iPhone. These are things like stop, sit down. if I have to look do it slowly and only look in each place once - otherwise ii sometimes open and close the same cupboard 100 times (literally). Do you think any of this would help? Obviously have to think of your own strategies as mine might not work. but the think is think forwards not backwards.

Going out with the tide

Girl_Anachronism — Sat, 04 Jan 2014 04:37:53 GMT

Hi Jo,

With two sleeping pills last night, I slept for 7 hours (after a 3 hour attempt to try and get to sleep post taking pills). I have a three hour nap in the afternoon.

I wake up this morning as bad a mood as yesterday. Sleep is helping me be a little more stable but these mood swings...I am so over them.

GA

Going out with the tide

Girl_Anachronism — Sat, 04 Jan 2014 04:41:46 GMT

Hi Joey,

While I have had OCD tendancies before- arranging things, cleaning things,etc. It has never gotten to a full blown almost passing out panic attack before. I have alaways managed to get through and force myself to get out of where its stuck.

This anxiety/OCD world is an entirely new thing to me. I'm very scared of just whats wrong in my head.

Help.

GA

Going out with the tide

Girl_Anachronism — Sat, 04 Jan 2014 09:11:52 GMT

To anyone who is stil reaing this,

I just wanted to post an update. I have ha long long conversation with my husband and we talked things out, decided some things and though I too emotionally drained to post right now, know that I am going to be OK.

We have a plan if things go wrong..

I am fighting this, I am fighting to see those stars in the darkness.