topic im losing the will to fight on in Depression

im losing the will to fight on

guest75 — Wed, 01 Jan 2014 10:41:08 GMT

ive had my kids the last 2 days.

it made me happy

today my daughter hugged me and told me i was "the best dad she'd ever had" to which i replied "im the only dad youve ever had" and she says "nuh uh mummy has a new boyfriend"

i litterally felt my heart break in 2, a tear welled up in my eye and i could feel my will to keep fighting, to keep on going sliding away

she told me she was joking but its left me feeling like an empty shell and i dont know if i want to keep on fighting

add to that im currently being forced to live with my mother (i have no other options) and i just feel like a huge burden on her and my sister and really get the feeling i am not wanted

i just want to give up

im losing the will to fight on

Lillybell — Wed, 01 Jan 2014 10:49:22 GMT

Matty, Now is the time you need help the most. Talk to the professionals here on the web chat or ring someone. The emotions you are feeling are incredibly intense because of what is happening. There is a light at the end of the tunnel. Your children need their Dad. You need you! The support is there. How about ringing the support line. You CAN get through this and be stronger as a result. xx Keep talking as it will help.

im losing the will to fight on

Jo3 — Wed, 01 Jan 2014 10:52:13 GMT

Hi Matty

Pls don't give up, you have your two beautiful children, they need you and you need them. Pls keep fighting, you can do this.

I agree with Lillybell, pls contact the support line number.

Pls let us know that you have contacted the support line.

Take care

Thinking of you

im losing the will to fight on

Girl_Anachronism — Wed, 01 Jan 2014 12:52:47 GMT

Hi Matty,

Listen to what your daughter is saying. She appreciates you and loves you for these past 2 days if for nothing else. Despite how typically dad answer of you (i'm the only dad...) it is true and that new boyfriend who may or may not stick around will never be you. He will never be her dad. Only you can fill that role.

Keep fighting for your daughter. Keep fighting to see her smile again.
As for your living situation, it's hard but they do want you there. They want to look after you. They want to help, as do we.

So many times this damned illness stops us from seeing the light in our lives. All it shows us is the dark and how overwhelming it seems. There are stars in that darkness, Matty, like your daughter's smile. You can't see them at the moment and it feels like people do not care for you, but this is me shining a torch into the darkness and saying there are stars out here.

You just have to hold on long enough until you can see them.

GA

im losing the will to fight on

geoff — Wed, 01 Jan 2014 19:27:45 GMT

dear Mattyj, I have been exactly where you are now and I know that this news whether it's true or a possibility is heart wrenching, but my two sons who were adults kept ringing me just to check on me, and their words were the same, Dad we both love you to pieces.

Both their love for me kept me going, I realised that I made the world to both of them plus my daughter in law, and their affection for me increased enormously.

In life we have to know that there is someone out there for us to hang onto, and there has to be a reason to live on, and you have your precious daughter, who absolutely loves you.

Where you are living would only be until you have the strength and to be more financially secure so that you can move on.

Matty please get back to us so you can vent, but all of us are behind you. Geoff.

im losing the will to fight on

Neil_1 — Wed, 01 Jan 2014 23:23:51 GMT

Hi Matty

Some wonderful posts above and heart-warming advice to you as well Matty. I just want to echo the above for my sentiments to you as well. This is one hell of a difficult time for you but please please don’t give up. Your beautiful daughter is testament to that. She’s already expressed how much you mean to her and we all know how much she means to you.

Do you know when you might be able to see your kids again? Is it an arrangement that’s been worked out yet? All this happening is still only in its infancy and it’s absolutely natural that you’re hurting the way you are … this is all so horribly raw for you.

As Geoff said, your current living arrangement will hopefully be a temporary thing until you’re able to secure somewhere else. I hope that this is the case.

Do you have any close friends/mates who you could possibly share some of what is happening with you? I know it’s brilliant to be able to post on here (and I hope that you continue to do so, as we’re all here for you), but sometimes if you’ve got a close friend that you can confide in, vent things too, that can be very helpful too.

I hope we can hear again from you soon,

Cheers

Neil

im losing the will to fight on

guest75 — Thu, 02 Jan 2014 00:43:59 GMT

Lillybell & jo3 - i know the kids need me, its about all thats getting me through each day at the minute. I didnt ring the support line, i have anxiety disorder along with my depression and i cant do phone calls, i just cant. im fine face to face with people and talking to people i know on the phone but otherwise i cant do it. i just closed my eyes and cried myself to sleep

GA - thanks, i know. my kids smiles, their giggles is what makes me happy, its the only thing that makes me happy at the minute

geoff - im sorry you have been through a similar situation to me, i wouldnt wish this on my worst enemy. I know the kids love, but i think they are too young to really understand what is happening (they are 10, 8 and 6). They keep telling me they want me to come home, and i keep telling them I want that too, i want to be there with them everyday, but im not allowed.

you are right about this being temporary, the financial situation will resolve itself within a week or so, my problem is I hate being alone, i really do. living by myself with my current state of mind would really not be a good idea, and my only other option would be to live with my father, but I hate his wife with every ounce of my being (she had an affair with my dad when i was little and basically caused our family to break up when i was 3 and i hate her because of that)

Neil - Nothing permanent in place at the moment, but i doubt i will see them before the IVO goes to court now (2 and a half weeks). My mum gave them all tablets for christmas so i have set up email addresses for them and got them working on their and installed skype and showed them how to use it so i should be able to see them that way at least. With regards to your question on friends, i answered in another post, but no i dont, i distanced myself from my friends because me going out with them upset my partner at the time, and i didnt mind because of what she and the kids mean to me

im losing the will to fight on

guest75 — Thu, 02 Jan 2014 07:57:54 GMT

Kids just went home, had them for nearly 3 days...

Breaks my heart saying goodbye to them, as i grew up in a single parent house i vowed i would never make my kids grow up like that, and now its been thrust upon them and i have no say in it

Also breaks my heart knowing my ex(?) partner is just outside in the car and im not even allowed to speak to her

This might make me sound incredibly weak, but i need her, she is my rock, i need her to get through. i dont know what to do anymore

I dont think i will see the kids again until the court date. I start my new job monday and my sister (who along with my mum is where im staying) doesnt like the kids here on the weekends coz she likes to sleep in after working long hours

and they may be ripped away from me at that, so this might have been the last time i see them 😞

im losing the will to fight on

Neil_1 — Fri, 03 Jan 2014 00:22:27 GMT

Hey Matty

I’m hearing you loud and clear and I’m really feeling for you … just talking about your own children is such a powerful thing and I can tell how much they mean to you.

Mate, there’s absolutely nothing wrong with saying what you said about needing your wife. I mean, after all, that’s why we choose a person don’t we? And they choose us as well? To be a partner, to be a spouse, to be a partnership, to be there for each other and to support.

This is such a difficult time at the moment for you. But the time is ticking by and you’re getting closer and closer to the date. Again, yes it’s easy to say this, and it feels like time is standing still at the moment, but if you can somehow work in something throughout your day to help occupy yourself?

Do you have a bike that you could go for a ride on? What are some of your hobbies? Hey, I’ve got it … are you a fan of Lord of the Rings? Cause if you are, rent them out and that’ll blast away 9 hours of your time, just like that!! Follow that up with Ben Hur, and the Godfather trilogy! There’s almost a day gone. Although, hey don’t do them all at once … space them out a bit. Just thoughts my friend.

Did we work out whether you can contact your wife via the telephone?

Did we also work out whether your wife is still ok with you? That would be the clincher wouldn’t it? Cause if she’s fine with you and wants you back, then once the court date is done and dusted, wouldn’t it just be a matter of you being able to move back home? And you’ll be able to provide that awesome list of things that you’ve been doing for the betterment of yourself and ultimately your relationship with your partner.

Hope to hear from you again.

Cheers

Neil

im losing the will to fight on

guest75 — Fri, 03 Jan 2014 01:37:59 GMT

Hi Neil,

Thanks again for your reply,

I do have hobbies, but over the last couple of months I have kind of lost interest in them (my psych told me this is normal with depression, but i should make myself do things i used to enjoy)

I am a keen photographer, but also enjoy web design and also playing around a little with photoshop. But ive lost interest in doing any of these things.

I do have a bike, but it is at my house (where my partner and kids are) and my knees are playing up at the minute, very swollen and sore (i have the joints of an old man even though im only 34) Which is annoying as i used to play a lot of sport, as was actually a half decent baketball player (used to play A grade)

I do like to watch movies, but none of what you listed there 🙂 Its kind of funny in a way as i am a self confessed giant nerd yet i hate movies like star wars, lord of the rings etc. I would be more likely to hire the entire Nightmare on Elm Street series or something. But luckily the 5th test started today so i have that to keep me occupied until monday when i start working again

Unfortunately I cant contact her even by phone - If she told the police i contacted her i can be arrested (i dont think she would do that but i dont know and i dont want to risk it as it would make me look worse at the court hearing)

All i know in regards to whether she is ok with me is 2nd hand information from what my mum told me when she collected some of my stuff and a few things the kids have said. I am going to be driving an hour and half each way to this new job (rather than live with my dad, at least until everything is sorted) and my middle daughter said to me "are you going to keep driving everyday when you move back home" so i dont know whether my partner has told her i will be coming home after the court? I really dont know. Its the not knowing thats the hardest, if she had just left me I could make myself get over her and start moving on, but at the minute i just dont know what to think

im losing the will to fight on

Imagine — Fri, 03 Jan 2014 08:16:08 GMT

Hi mattyj,

I can't add much to the posts above except to ask you please not to give up.

You are you daughter's only real Dad, you cannot ever be replaced. I know you did not want your children to grow up in this situation but they are growing up with the love and support of a Dad who lives FOR them and that is precious, rare and irreplaceable.

Please keep trying, please keep fighting, you have worked so hard and that work will be rewarded, you just have to hold on tight until it does. I know these sound like hollow words, but there is truth in them, even the very pain passes if you wait long enough. As GA said so beautifully, the stars are there even when we cannot see them. (And thank you GA, I needed to hear that today too!)

im losing the will to fight on

Girl_Anachronism — Sat, 04 Jan 2014 12:58:54 GMT

Hi Matty,

Just was thikning about you and wondering how you were doing?

I too am a keen photographer though haven't been able to get out as much I'd like to to service my landscape addiction. What sort of photos do you like to take?

Imagine- Thankyou. Not just for the direct compliment on my wording but recently when I couldn't see the stars myself I came back here and saw your post. You helped me see my own stars, when I could not.

GA

im losing the will to fight on

guest75 — Sat, 04 Jan 2014 22:55:44 GMT

Hi GA,

Thanks for checking in on me 🙂

Still feel really down, but i cant see that improving until my current situation resolves itself one way or another. At the minute i am completely confused and dont know what to think, should i be trying to make myself get over her? should i hold out hope? i just dont know

With photography, i mostly like doing local sports (football, basketball, cricket) but also used to shoot a lot of bird photos and some landscapes

im losing the will to fight on

Neil_1 — Sun, 05 Jan 2014 01:24:20 GMT

Hi Matty

For the moment, the best I can advise is for you to try and get wrapped up with either your hobby of photography, catch as much cricket as you can, get stuck into work, (as of tomorrow, yeah) and try to keep as busy as possible. Try and keep the mind working, on other things.

I know it's so much easier for me to make these suggestions, as I don't have this situation occupying me all the time. But the longer you can occupy yourself, hopefully that will put those other thoughts to the back of your mind.

I'm thinking of you Matty and please be strong ... it's such a difficult time at the moment. It's an awful struggle, but you are proving to be brave and strong during this time.

Cheers mate

Neil

im losing the will to fight on

guest75 — Sun, 05 Jan 2014 02:11:53 GMT

Thanks Neil

I am trying to keep my mind busy to keep from thinking about stuff...But as soon as i stop doing what Im doing i start thinking about her, about the kids, what happens if i lose them...I have a bad habit of always imagining the worst, ive always done it my whole life

Im looking forward to starting new job tomorrow (despite the fact im very nervous about it) as it will keep my mind occupied for 12 hours of the day (including driving time) so then when i get back here its just sleep, shower and sleep and then back into it, i will have less time to stress

im losing the will to fight on

bzb — Sun, 05 Jan 2014 04:09:13 GMT

Dear Mattyj,

I've read the posts and I don't think I can add much more. The people who have commented are wise souls and I agree with them.

I grew up in a single family household. My father wasn't a father and my mother made the best decision to divorce him. That was when I was 6 and I am now 34. My father chose not to be apart of my life, and it was through my depression that I finally came to terms with the fact that he would never be the father I needed. My point is that your children need you and if that's all that gets you through the days, then so be it. You sound like a wonderful father and your children adore you. You have a lot going for you. There were many instances when I needed my father, but he wasn't there. So, please, get the help you need.

I do agree with other comments, please seek professional assistance. You are a wonderful person and please know that this will pass with time and with the right support to keep you going, it can make a difference to you. Please don't give up.

Please let us know how you are going. I'll say a prayer for you and please imagine the best outcome possible for you and your family rather than the worst possible case scenario.

Take care,

bzb

im losing the will to fight on

guest75 — Sun, 05 Jan 2014 05:40:57 GMT

Thanks for the reply bzb

I am getting help - I am on anti depressants and seeing a psychologist

I just want to point out, that when i say im losing the will to fight on, im not talking about suicide. I am talking about taking all my money out of my bank, putting my phone on the table and just walking away, going somewhere that nobody knows me, just disappearing - it feels as though at the minute most people would be happy if i did that. As much as i dont want to be here, as much as i feel like everyone would be happy if i did, i would never choose suicide, i wouldnt want my kids blaming themselves for the rest of the lives for my choice. But disappearing, going off the grid and never having to deal with anything anymore, that is what i want. my wife wouldnt need the IVO, she wouldnt need to worry about letting me have the kids, i wouldnt annoy my mum and sister anymore by having to stay with them. i wouldnt bring down everyone on this forum by my complaining. everyday it just seems like a better idea

im losing the will to fight on

Neil_1 — Sun, 05 Jan 2014 07:48:58 GMT

Matty ... let's get one thing straight. If we're going to be mates on this forum, I never ever want to hear you say that you're bringing people down on this forum! EVER. Got it! That sounded harsh, I guess, but I mean it ... there is NO WAY in the world that you are bringing anyone down on this website.

As for your other thoughts ... yes, that's an option ... but mate, honestly, how would you be if you did that, to possibly never see your beloved children again? How would they be to find out that their dad just vanished, no sign, no note, just gawn?

I think it'd rip them apart ... I think it'd rip you apart.

Bzb came in with a brilliant comment by saying if the ONLY thing that gets you through this next little period is knowing that your children need a father, then so be it; then that's what's to happen. But you know, you've got so many other things on the horizon as well.

Work for one thing ... and sure you're nervous about it ... you wouldn't be human if you weren't nervous about turning up for a new job. But I am here wishing you all the best with that.

You've also got all those other factors that you've outlined in earlier posts that you've sought out. And you know what, come the time of the 21st, when 'whoever is the official in charge' will be looking at this ... they will see that (a) you have invested so much of yourself to try and get better all for the sake of your family AND (b) they will also note that you haven't done anything illegal by contacting your family when you weren't supposed too (and I hang my head in shame for suggesting you do the letter thing - I'm so glad you set me straight with that). You've crossed the t's and dotted the i's for this whole entire time.

No one would be better off if you left ...

Also, can you please let us know how you get on after your first day at the new job. I really hope that it goes really well for you.

Cheers

Neil

im losing the will to fight on

Girl_Anachronism — Sun, 05 Jan 2014 09:45:17 GMT

Hi Matty,

Good to hear bac from you.

New job can be scary but it could be just waht you need to distract you from this situation. At the very least you will feel like you achieve sometihng in a day and that can only do good things for your self esteem. The money you earn can go towards your kids aswell. So as scary as it will be, I can see only good things coming from that.

I'm not the best to advise on fatherhood and childern, so I'll leave that to others. I can however wish you all the best of luck with the new job and say that I am still listening if you would like to talk.

im losing the will to fight on

Keir — Sun, 05 Jan 2014 21:16:37 GMT

Matty, I totally get where you're at, brother. My ex-wife and I have two wonderful daughters, and they are without doubt the catalyst for my survival. It was only thoughts of them that kept me from suicide. I'm sure you understand.

Shortly after my wife divorced me, my girls told me she had a boyfriend who was moving in with them. Man, that put me so close to the edge. But it was my girls who once again kept me from going over that edge. They loved me, and they let me know it. I lived with the horror of another man being there to see my children first thing in the morning and last thing at night. I lived with the devastation of my wife marrying that man and my children have a step-father. I lived with it all and so much more, just as you are finding yourself having to do.

I remember calling my girls once and their step-father answering the phone, telling me that my youngest didn't want to talk to me (she was 8 at the time). I then heard her screaming out: "You're a liar. I DO want to speak to my daddy. Liar! Liar!" He hung up on me before she could snatch the phone. He and my ex-wife used my depression against me, and I didn't see my girls for a full year. I can't begin to tell you the number of times that suicide seemed a wonderful alternative.

Matty, throughout that ordeal, though, I committed to holding fast and *trusting* my girls (now 14 and 17). Despite everything, their love for me never diminished, and we are now closer than ever, speaking at least once on the phone every day. I quite literally shudder every time I recall how close I was to suicide, thinking how much I would have missed - the love, the silly phone calls, sitting on the banks of the Yarra on New Years Eve with my girls, the hugs and the knowledge that they DO have only one father - ME.

Matty, it matters not one damn bit who else comes into the lives of your children. You and you alone are their father. You are that one single person who, throughout their lives, they will come to for advice and support. In return, my brother, they will give you what they will give no-one else - a child's love for their father. Do not miss out on that Matty. It is a wonderful and beautiful thing!