topic Hello darkness my old friend. in Depression

Hello darkness my old friend.

Girl_Anachronism — Sat, 28 Dec 2013 13:07:18 GMT

Today should have been good. More good things happened than bad things. I got shopping done solo, made dinner and even hung out the washing. I also had a panic attack at the shops, bought things I shouldn't have and can't bring myself to do the dishes which are piling up while my husband lies sick in bed.

I should be damn near happy right now. Instead I am sitting here, wanting to cry my eyes out. Today started lower than yesterday and is rapidly going down hill. I can't even force myself to smile. Alternately all I can feel is an overwhelming despair or a great numbness, like a bubble around me that prevents me from feeling anything. THere should be something in between shouldn't there?

I am broken. I don't have the inbetween ground. One minute I am ecstatic and hopeful, the next i'm sobbing in the bathroom (not exaggerating, this litterally happened to me in the span of three minutes). I don't even know what to tell people when they ask how i'm going because it could change any few minutes.

I just feel so out of control. I don't know what is going on inside my own head. I can't even control that. I want desperately to get some measure of control back. Something, anywhere.

The only way I know to get control is self harm or a much more permanent solution. Neither of which I want but I don't know how else to go on.

I have nothing left.

GA

Hello darkness my old friend.

beyondblue_Online_Communi — Sun, 29 Dec 2013 08:43:30 GMT

Hi there,

Please call for some support if you need it at the moment.Things sound like they have been really hard for you since Christmas. Remember that Beyondblue helpline is here to chat on 1300 22 4636 or you can call lifeline too on 13 11 14 if you are feeling suicidal.

We are all thinking of you

Hello darkness my old friend.

Jo3 — Sun, 29 Dec 2013 08:54:58 GMT

Hi GA,

Please give BB support line a call or even Lifeline. They are here to help you get through your dark times.

GA, I feel for you, but pls just hold on to hope. You need help and you need to speak to someone asap.

Pls keep talking to us here, we all care for you

Thinking of you, pls take care

Jo xx

Hello darkness my old friend.

Anthony10 — Sun, 29 Dec 2013 13:03:01 GMT

Hi GA

I know how you are feeling...please don't lose hope, there's always someone to help you.

Hope you feel better soon

Anthony

Hello darkness my old friend.

Jo3 — Sun, 29 Dec 2013 20:36:34 GMT

Hi GA,

How are you this morning? I was thinking about you this morning and thought I would send you a message of hope, love and strength.

Pls hold on to this, as you will get through this difficult time.

Take care, let us know how you are.

Sending you hugs

Jo xx

Hello darkness my old friend.

Girl_Anachronism — Sun, 29 Dec 2013 22:24:58 GMT

Hi Jo (and BB),

THankyou for replying. Even if I haven't posted until now I have been up all night unable to sleep and frequently returned to this page, reading both your and my messages over and over.

I don't know how I feel at the moment. I still feel split in two. Emotional and Numb. Wanting to sleep and wanting to run, as far and as fast as I can. Not wanting to die but also wanting this all to stop.

I just wanted to post to let you know I'm still here for what good it does me.

I have an appointment with the psych team later on this morning. If I get some clarity and sleep after that, I'll post here again and explain. Or rant or something. If I don't post for hours, it's because I managed to get some sleep.

GA

Hello darkness my old friend.

Girl_Anachronism — Sun, 29 Dec 2013 22:35:00 GMT

And you too anthony- Sorry for forgetting you in the pevious messages. I'm not with it right now.

Thankyou for caring enough to post and secondly for holding out that hope.

Hello darkness my old friend.

Neil_1 — Sun, 29 Dec 2013 23:03:50 GMT

Hi GA

I'm sorry, I had a few days away, and have just got back. Although it's great to know that you have others supporting you as well ... and that's just something that is brilliant about this site ... supporting and caring people.

Thank you for posting and letting go with how you're feeling ... it's one hell of a mix that you've got happening and I can see how exhausting it would be for you.

I'm so pleased to read that you've been able to get an appointment for this morning. I really hope that you're able to unload there and to come out of it feeling, even just a little bit better. Although it will be quite exhausting as well, as when you go to these places and when you've got so much pent up, it really can take it out of you afterwards.

Please know that you have support and care here; we are your friends and we want to help you in whatever way we can as well.

I do look forward to hearing back from you as soon as you feel able to.

Kind regards

Neil

Hello darkness my old friend.

Jo3 — Mon, 30 Dec 2013 09:52:26 GMT

Hi GA

I'm so glad to read that you had an appt this morning with a psych. Are you feeling okay?

Hopefully when you read this you would have had some sleep, well I really hope you did. You must be exhausted.

GA, I'm thinking of you and hope you had some helpful support this morning.

Pls take care

Jo xx

Hello darkness my old friend.

Girl_Anachronism — Tue, 31 Dec 2013 07:00:26 GMT

Hey All,

I ended up having, with new sleeping tablet help, 12 hours sleep last night. Plus a five hour afternoon nap the afternoon before. Sleep feels so alien to me.

GA

Hello darkness my old friend.

amamas — Tue, 31 Dec 2013 07:10:38 GMT

Hi GA

I'm sorry I haven't responded to you before. Not sure how I missed you.

I'm so so so glad you got a good sleep! I know totally what you mean about sleep feeling alien. I too have experienced no sleep for reasons I'm not ready to post about but I know how much it messes with your head!!

Nice to meet you

What are you up to tonight?

Cheers and many hugs Amamas

Hello darkness my old friend.

Girl_Anachronism — Tue, 31 Dec 2013 07:42:13 GMT

Hi Amamas,

I had no plans until about an hour ago. I think I am at the high point of depression, or sleep is doing brilliant things to my head so I threw together a family NYE celbration at my house and am going out with my sister this afternoon.

If you read my other post, SOS you'll know how mch of a change this is. I can only hope this manic period lasts long enough til they go home. I can crash then, sleep another 12 hours if need be.

My family will have a good times, some good memories and my husband will have anight to truly let loose and relax after weeks of watching me.

GA

Hello darkness my old friend.

amamas — Tue, 31 Dec 2013 07:45:28 GMT

Hey GA

I am so HAPPY for you!! I hope it all goes really well!

I'll be thinking of you all partying on down!!!

Happy New Year!!!

Hello darkness my old friend.

Neil_1 — Tue, 31 Dec 2013 22:41:54 GMT

Hi GA

That was so awesome to read of your being able to get some well earned sleep. And then the resultant effects that gave you to throw a party. That was brilliant to read.

I so hope it all went really well for you ... and you're probably in the land of nod right now ... I hope so, and that you're having some really pleasant dreams.

Would love to hear how it all went and more importantly, how you got through and how you are now, when you're next on line.

Cheers

Neil

Hello darkness my old friend.

geoff — Tue, 31 Dec 2013 23:25:06 GMT

dear GA, when we try and do a lot of activities while in depression, you just have to be very careful as to how much you actually do, simply because when you force yourself, and this could be for many reasons, you may eventually fall into a heap.

It is good and I admire you for doing this, but please be careful, because it has to be by choose and not any pressure.

Another point I would like to make and this is we go and see our psych. and come out thinking that nothing has happened, well this maybe true, but what I want to say is that I say my psychologist for 20 years and a large amount of that time nothing seemed to be working, and I was still depressed, but I stayed with her because I liked her, she was easy to talk to, and she could remember all the names I had dropped on her lap.

So in other words don't drop your psych if you like them, because eventually it will click, and you could go from one psych to another and this unsettles your mind, and makes you anxious. L Geoff. x

Hello darkness my old friend.

Jo3 — Wed, 01 Jan 2014 03:24:30 GMT

Hi GA

I am so happy and proud of you. I am so glad you had a really good night sleep.

To see where you were at your very first message on here to yesterday's - that's an improvement. Small steps is good,

Pls take care, thinking of you

Jo xx

Hello darkness my old friend.

Girl_Anachronism — Wed, 01 Jan 2014 08:23:03 GMT

HI All,

I still can't sleep without chemical aid which worries me still. I try all the natural things first but it just....doesn't happen. By the same token I am grateful to them because I do feel better with sleep. Even if it is just more able to express what i feel, since I still don't have control over what I feel.

Don't think that I forced myself yesterday. I was really, honestly full of the energy to do those things and wanted them. Honest to goodness wanted to be around people. THIS NEVER HAPPENS. My family no less. We didn't talk about the issues, we just hung out you know? And that was all I needed.

I feel bad for my husband in all this, dealing with the yo yo of moods and having to do most of the work for the party. I feel like I used him you know. When I asked him this morning what he wanted to do today his only response was to say that he wanted to get to a point where he didn't have to worry about taking a nap and to wake up finding i'd absconded with a bottle of alcohol.

Less sleep, only about 7 hours last night and certain lethargy today. Not really depresssed, or sad, just tired and wanting to stay inside and play some games by myself.

We have plans in place though. A set night time ritual to help me sleep and a set time by which if I am not tried enough to fall asleep, I take a sleeping pill. Moreover we have aplan of how to do more exercise and goals for the next week.

I am not at the point of planning beyond tomorrow. Sometimes I can't even plan for today. I certainly don't know what this year is going to be like. If I'm going to make the year.

But I have today and for now that's enough.

GA

Hello darkness my old friend.

Jo3 — Wed, 01 Jan 2014 09:20:27 GMT

Hi GA

You have lots of strength to fight this. And you will get through this. It is good that you are getting some sleep and it doesn't matter for now that you are taking sleeping tablets.

Good to hear you have plans in place and plans for more exercise in the next week. That is really good. Don't worry about planning tomorrow just plan day by day as you wake up; even if its hr by hr. And enjoy the day, enjoy the moment.

You know you have an amazing husband, a supportive husband who not only worries about you but loves you.

So for now, just enjoy each moment, take little steps to see the light. You are a brave person.

Jo xx