topic Am I depressed? at what level? in Depression

Am I depressed? at what level?

Bluedaze — Thu, 28 Aug 2014 18:25:26 GMT

Hi all, just joined BB.

I have only just recently become aware that I may have depression, still cant believe it.

I always thought I was just lazy or unfit. Been like this since a teen (40 yrs ago). What has made me concerned is it's getting more frequent and starting to effect my work. So.. here is an example - weekend.

I work all week 6 days, hanging out waiting for my 1 day off. I have so many things I want to do or continue with, my Sunday comes and I will just sit in a spare room or on couch and spare for hours at a blank wall. Usually I sort of come out of it at the end, to get some things done but day is pretty much trashed. Doesn't happen always but having more.

I seem kind of paralyzed, not tired but not energized either, stuck in a mundane limbo. Don't what to more or do anything.

Not even sure what triggers it, lately no specific reason or event.

There a pile of other stuff also.. (later).

I got a 36 on the K9 test also just before (was trying to be upbeat also but honest).

So, I guess I may be depressed, what level or type would I be?

Haven't seen /seeking any help yet, not sure I want to yet (more questions 1st), only did a on-line session earlier with an agent. Was really helpful, for a moment I felt like I was actually worth something.

Could tell you more about my self but really don't want to bore anyone.

Thanks for reading 🙂

Am I depressed? at what level?

SubduedBlues — Fri, 29 Aug 2014 00:28:22 GMT

On this forum, no one is going to get bored reading about how you got to where you are. Welcome to the BB forums Bluedaze, if you are seeking information about Depression or support in helping you live it, you're definitely come to the right place.

Being that you are reaching out for help is definitely a good step in the right direction. Even if your Black Dog is no bigger a tea-cup Chihuahua it's bark can still bugger up your life. May I suggest that you book a session with your local GP, get a referral into a psychologist for some evaluation sessions. I think it's better to either tame that puppy or rule out the concern before you have a full grown Black Dog on your hands.

If I've misunderstood something, please feel free to elaborate and continue your story. I'd be interested to hear more.

Am I depressed? at what level?

Snoman — Fri, 29 Aug 2014 00:52:45 GMT

Hi Bluedaze,

From what you have described, I would agree with D'jected - go and see your GP. If you don't think your GP would be too understanding, or you are not too comfortable with them, use the links at the top of this website to find a GP in your area that has an interest in mental health.

Incidentally, your K10 score was higher than mine. I went to my GP and she suggested I take medication, which I am grateful I did. It does take around 4 weeks before you can expect to see an improvement. Those first weeks you may feel worse and have more disturbing thoughts. You would then need a follow up session with the GP to assess if those meds are the right ones for you.

The GP can also put you on a "Mental Health Plan" which entitles you to 10 sessions per year with a psych, funded by medicare. Again, I am grateful for those sessions with my psychologist. I feel that the two-pronged approach helped me to get better quicker.

It is a tough and bumpy road, but the sooner you start, the sooner you get better.

Sno

Am I depressed? at what level?

geoff — Fri, 29 Aug 2014 01:03:34 GMT

dear Bluedaze, thanks for coming to the site, you are very much welcome on board.

I agree with D' you really must go and see your doctor without hesitation of being afraid, they are there to help you.

What worries me now is that this illness may start to affect your work, because working 6 days is pretty intense, and then to come home and sit in a chair uninterested in anything, is definitely a bad sign that depression is hovering around, and perhaps has been for 40 odd years.

We don't know why we sustain this illness, although there are times when we have lost a love one or maybe a loved pet that starts off the decline into depression, and it happens very quickly, which means that our life has now changed and we begin to struggle.

We can't really tell to what degree of depression you presently have, but that doesn't matter really, because depression is depression.

If you had a successful on-line session that's terrific, but what this means is that someone can relate back to you on how you are feeling, and this wouldn't happen if you didn't have any problems, but as you do, means that you would be wise to seek professional help from your doctor, who will be able to put you on a 10 free visits to see a psychologist or psychiatrist, and the latter can only prescribe medication for you.

Just a couple of questions, sorry, are you married and do you have children.

It would be great to get back to us. Geoff.

Am I depressed? at what level?

Bluedaze — Fri, 29 Aug 2014 07:22:15 GMT

Wow, I'm truly humbled that you and so many others replied, thank you. Thanks you all for caring.

Kids: none

Friends: none

Wife: In status only (no sexual or loving relationship)

Other... {you guessed it}

I suppose in all of my life, I have just accepted that I was who I was, inferior, unworthy, not welcome, worthless, odd, bad nerves etc etc.. and simply lived with it. So I'm just used to it, I'm like a frog, just accepts the fact that he's green & ugly.

So I've gone though life "life" acting out my script (whatever that script suposted to be), but I have always felt like a criminal just out tiring to fit in. Again this is my natural habitat. Really!

I've done a lot of self diag & psychology over the years & I believe I've nailed the when's, hows & whys of it all.

The therapist? If I go, I just feel sorry for the them having to listen for hours while I unpack 45 years of baggage.

Still, maybe I could have a better quality of life, just a few years will do me.

* Also, I feel for the many other poor soles on this forum, I hope you recover, get well, reclaim your spirit and find your path.

"Patience young Jedi, the dark force defeat we soon will" - Yoda

Am I depressed? at what level?

Bluedaze — Sat, 30 Aug 2014 09:57:43 GMT

I just had to write this, (case anyone is still interested).

Something has happened since that 1st on-line session on Thurs with agent, during this I crumbled & fell apart, I was a mess. Then when I posted here on that night and to read the kind replies yesterday was a bit overwhelming I guess.

So driving in to my afternoon shift as I usually do, was half way there, my head all over the place, suddenly a beautiful Alton John song came on the radio. I just crumbled at that point & fell to pieces. Had to stop at a park for an hour. I couldn't go in to the work.

This REALLY on not like me and I rarely take a day off, so came home, had a sleep, wasn't tired but really slept.

So thing morning I felt drained but liberated & "cleansed". Today is definitely a up day, in fact I'm hyper.

And one last thing, I probably suddenly will write something spontaneous & funny, bizarre, that simply the other half of me fighting I guess?? (balance, chaos vs order etc) So don't take it the wrong way. *** Also: if there IS something obnoxious or irritating about me of my personality (or the frail shadow of it), PLEASE tell me, it may be a punch bit I hit myself much much harder. Just need to know what I'm doing wrong.

Am I depressed? at what level?

Snoman — Tue, 02 Sep 2014 00:16:12 GMT

Hey Bluedaze,

Really glad to see you had an up day. Nice to hear you sounding up. Hope those days hang around.

How did your weekend go? Did you end up staring at the wall again, or were you able to do more?

Did your wife notice your up day(s)? Did she comment? Should I ask more questions?

And I like your quirky style. Funny and bizarre is definitely welcome here.

Sno

Am I depressed? at what level?

Bluedaze — Wed, 03 Sep 2014 03:02:01 GMT

Hi Sno

Weekend was good, but I've been in a hole, pretty deep one actually last 2 days. Not really wall starting but difficult to get much done. Work also.

I'm just so glad someone has replied to my post, I thought I had out-stayed my welcome here, said something wrong in a previous post. in only 2 posts, (would have been a record for me).

No wife didn't notice anything or comment. * Please note I do care for her very much and we are still (at least) really good buddies.

Anyhow, you can ask anything, I also have many questions.

Thanks again, hope you & others find time to reply, (just 2 or 3 words even).

Cheers.

Am I depressed? at what level?

Snoman — Wed, 03 Sep 2014 03:17:11 GMT

My three words 😉

Am I depressed? at what level?

Snoman — Wed, 03 Sep 2014 03:19:47 GMT

Seriously, not so good to hear you have had some tough days again.

Please ring up your GP (or find one from the links above) and make an appointment. This is hard, but you need to. Post back when you have done that. No pressure (actually a little pressure).

Sno

Am I depressed? at what level?

laura86 — Wed, 03 Sep 2014 03:26:24 GMT

Hi Bluedaze,

Welcome to BB and well done for taking the hardest step and posting here. I know it's daunting but you have done the absolute right thing!

We all know what that hole is like, being in limbo, feeling hopeless. That's why we are all here to help each other! There doesn't have to be specific triggers, sometimes depression sneaks up on us without any warning. Even a doctor I saw found that hard to believe but it's true!

Definitely start by seeking help and seeing your GP. If they aren't helpful there is a link on the BB website under Get Support>Find a Professional to get you in touch with a doctor that is a BB supporter and knows about mental health issues. Trust me- I have seen some hopeless doctors that don't even listen to you. There are better ones out there though!

I too did an online session recently and you're right- you start to feel like you are not worthless after all. Something I have learned from the amazing people on these forums is that you just need to keep taking one small step at a time. We are all here to help you- you ARE worth it! We are your friends on here so don't feel like you don't have any!

Please keep posting and we will keep helping each other.

Much love,

Laura

Am I depressed? at what level?

Bluedaze — Wed, 03 Sep 2014 03:45:43 GMT

Wow, that really means so much to me, and thanks heaps.

I thick you are the friends I have been needing to find. For a long time.

I cant see anyone professionally (not yet), I have certain issues and many questions 1st, besides, I just don't think I can tell my whole story to anyone. Never told a living sole.

Go to go now but.. will try to type more from work but my dumb iphone wont let me type stuff?

Am I depressed? at what level?

laura86 — Wed, 03 Sep 2014 04:07:58 GMT

Hi Bluedaze,

Don't worry I have things I've never told anyone either and I'm not sure I ever will. You don't have to feel obligated to say anything you don't want to. At the same time there is no judgement for anything you do choose to say on here.

Speak soon,

Laura

Am I depressed? at what level?

Snoman — Wed, 03 Sep 2014 05:02:09 GMT

Bluedaze,

Laura is right. There is no judgement here or obligation here. Just friendly, supportive and understanding people.

You seem to have questions. Ask away. We will do our best to answer.

If you have never told anyone, perhaps you could write it down privately. Just for you to get it out of you. If you do choose to tell someone professional, then it may be easier to read it to them, or it may have helped you to organise it. Just a suggestion.

Before I say my psychologist, I wrote a "timeline" of key events in the past 10 years. It helped me to step back from my events and to help give me a starting point in our first session.

Sno

Am I depressed? at what level?

Bluedaze — Wed, 03 Sep 2014 08:27:27 GMT

I just dont want any restrictions placed on me, and I think I'm beyond help anyway.

Besides, i already have the solution.

Again thanks for your posts & kind words.

P.S. Sno, you really should try to tell your phyc the whole story, it will be a TOUGH day, but they cant really help you fully until this (correct me if wrong)

Am I depressed? at what level?

laura86 — Wed, 03 Sep 2014 10:15:43 GMT

Hi Bluedaze,

No one is beyond help! I know that at times you are so down on life and yourself that things feel hopeless. You are so worth helping and caring for, and that's what we are here to do

I'm not sure what your solution is but I hope you are ok and are staying safe. Please know that you're not alone, especially not anymore!

Keep posting and we'll keep listening and replying and helping. Don't worry about falling apart and venting in these forums because we are all getting through this as a team.

Speak to you soon my friend

Laura

Am I depressed? at what level?

geoff — Wed, 03 Sep 2014 14:53:25 GMT

dear Bluedaze, there's an old saying 'what's good for the goose is good for the gander', it's been around for years, so I am interested when you say to Sno ' you really should try to tell your phyc the whole story', so these stories that you can't tell a psych could be the opening to part of the major problems.

Can I also say that the 'solutions' you have found are you trying to solve your depression by yourself, but remember these hidden stories are an enormous part of what maybe causing all the trouble.

We all try and analyse ourselves and then try and fix these problems, but invariably we go down the easy path, which maybe right but normally not, and that's why we can never solve our own depression. Geoff.

Am I depressed? at what level?

Snoman — Thu, 04 Sep 2014 00:10:00 GMT

Bluedaze,

I really clicked with my psychologist. I told him everything that seemed relevant (and some other bits too). He was really easy to blab to. I felt comfortable enough to tell him all about ALL of my ugly thoughts, plans and feelings (if you get what I mean). Getting it all out was very helpful.

I'm not sure what you mean by restrictions. What restrictions are you worried about? Please remember, we have all been through or are going through what you are going through right now. This is why we don't judge. We support. We care. We understand.

I'm also curious about your solution. As Geoff points out, we can't solve our own depression. Our minds are not well enough to be able to see what is needed to get well again. A circular problem. We need some outside support to help us.

As for that line: "I'm beyond help anyway", that is the depression talking, not you.

Now go and re-read what Laura86 rote to you. She put it very well. Those exact thoughts and sentiments apply from me.

Chat soon buddy,

Sno

Am I depressed? at what level?

laura86 — Thu, 04 Sep 2014 00:51:49 GMT

Hi Bluedaze,

Are you ok lovely? I'm worried about you. We're all here for you.

Let me know how you're going : )

Am I depressed? at what level?

Bluedaze — Sun, 07 Sep 2014 14:59:16 GMT

Hi all,

I'm .. fine, just been having a really bad week.

I owe you all the respect of at least a reply so again thanks for all of your kind support.

What I think has happened (what I'm experiencing) is that over last last 2 weeks, since joining BB and the call has caused a huge release, 1st time I've ever done anything like this.

And in doing so, I've dug up all of my zombies. The ones that have take me years, all of my life to bury, even gone back a few steps from progress I've made recently (with my personality disorder).

So here I sit, all 400 of me, (a little crowed here).

The "Solution"? lets just hope we never have to go there, should not have mentioned it.

I will pose here and there as I find here many like myself and feel I can offered lot of very deep positive thinking & self awareness that's help keep me afloat.

Again thanks to all and a huge thanks to you laura86. Yes I'm OK, I believe I'll get through this, I'm a survivor and I need to convince others here that they are too.

Cheers.