topic Is crying good or bad for you? in Depression

Is crying good or bad for you?

white knight — Wed, 20 Aug 2014 11:23:25 GMT

The dreaded act of crying. That's from my view. Always large for my age in a mans world ex military, prison officer, security etc a world where crying immediately and permanently embeds weakness into other mens assessment of you. Behind the scenes the big man became himself- a weeping mess battling illnesses I never realised I had. That was from as long as I can remember until 2 years ago or so. Then...the crying stopped! I've wondered if that has been good or bad...and why it stopped.

Crying is thought to release stress hormones in the body. So there is a reason for it. It can be socially attractive to do in some cases. Attracting help for example. For me- I always ended up with a headache! if I cried.

So why did I stop crying? Well I can paint a short picture of the circumstances. What was happening prior to 2 years ago? My medication had been correct after many years of false diagnosis and wrong medication from that false diagnosis. I'd dated and married my wife 3 years ago. So there are some changes, but it doesnt address something. Within those two years I'd had 2 meltdowns or "episodes" as my doctor called them whereby on both occasions wandered aimlessly where ever my body took me. Fully in a depressive state but I did not cry.

I recently felt depressed. My depression doesnt last long nowadays. But I walked into the bush and sat, for hours, numb. I was aware a film of water enveloped my eyes but no tears fell. That's odd I think. Then I walked home. I needed the connection to nature, I needed to be alone. I was not suicidal. Planned that 18 years ago and I'll never go there again nor put my loving family through what could have been. That avenue IMO is stupid and selfish. Both my brother and uncle went that way

I read on this forum upset people telling us they have cried all day. I feel for them, they must be hurting, they must be feeling empty and hopeless. They likely do not see any relief in their pain.

Well there is relief, there are answers there- they are just in your line of sight, just beyond your reach and it is in the form of management. 1. Correct diagnosis 2. Correct medication 3. Correct quantity of medication. 4. Appropriate professional support 5. The will to get better 6. Environment 7. Supportive family and friends. 8. Less work pressure and so on.

Achieve some of these and the light at the end of the tunnel might get closer and brighter. And you just might cry less. And I still dont know if crying less or more is better for you....

Is crying good or bad for you?

Magyarok — Thu, 21 Aug 2014 04:15:16 GMT

Hello WK,

Your story is very similar to my Dads. He is also ex army, ex security officer etc and he was conditioned not to express any sign of perceived weakness such as crying. He was a very angry and hard man and i used to cop the brunt of this growing up and i was also conditioned not to cry or show any sign of weakness. If i ever did cry he would call me a 'girl' and hit me even harder.

Soon after he left the army he had a breakdown in his early 40's and has been on meds ever since. Now he is very free with his emotions and he will unashamedly cry whenever he feels the need and will now freely express love, affection and empathy etc. He is now a completely different person and for the better.

As for me i am a caring and loving person but unfortunately i can not cry because i have been conditioned not to. The closest i have ever come to crying is just controlled silent sobing and i haven't managed that for years. These days all i can manage is maybe a couple of tears or a tightening in the throat which i am feeling right now as i am writing this.

I wish i could literally cry. On the exterior i appear to be this calm, strong, stable person but just below the surface i feel all this emotion just bubbling away and i wish i could let it go but i simply can't.

I'm in my 40's now the same age as my Dad was when he had his breakdown. Sometimes i feel like i am on the verge of this and i am just waiting for that final tipping point. Maybe having a breakdown in a way would bring relief? I don't know?

As for your question i think crying is good for you because it is an opportunity to release and process emotions. But i also think that if you can crying is best done in a 'safe place' where you can let go without the fear of ridicule odr judgement.

I also find peace in finding solitude out in the bush to at least process some of my emotions even though i can't cry. Thankfully with my line of work in environment i often do go out into the bush by myself for work. I also find exercise useful for processing emotions.

Good luck to you and don't be afraid to cry!

Kind Regards

ignoP

Is crying good or bad for you?

Magyarok — Thu, 21 Aug 2014 05:24:37 GMT

In addition to my previous reply ......

In contrast to my Dad who hid behind anger, i instead hide behind a veil of humour to cover my true feelings as a husband and a father.

I will oftentimes act the fool, act and talk in childish ways and take on different persona's where i completely change my personality including taking on different accents, mannerisms and postures etc. It makes people laugh and diffuses situations and i can avoid confronting my true feelings.

I don't know what this says about me - do i have split personalities or just multiple persona's? I wonder if there is a name / label for this?

But even though i can make others laugh i find it hard to laugh myself. As with crying my laughter is very restrained and i can't let it go. My dad never / rarely laughed either.

As with crying i remember my dad telling me sternly to 'shut up' or to 'settle down and pull your head in' if my laughter was loud enough to disturb his peace.

I wish i could unreservedly laugh. Laughter as with crying is useful for dealing with and processing emotions. Laughter is supposed to make you and others feel good

Good luck to you and as with crying don't be afraid to also laugh OUT LOUD!!!

Kind Regards

ignoP

Is crying good or bad for you?

HA1 — Thu, 21 Aug 2014 05:31:02 GMT

Hi WK

A good post - thank you.

Until six months ago, I don't recall crying ever - maybe in my first few days in primary school (not sure). Then six months ago, my mask came off and it all came out in one hit. I ended up being hospitalised.

Prior to this, I know I often felt like crying, but nothing except shaking. Since hospital, nothing again. There is nothing left maybe.

But I agree with ignoP, I think crying must be good for you. It releases pressure valves. If I had not started crying that time six months ago, I don't think that I could have come clean with my feelings, and then I would not have been hospitalised and, in turn, I would not have been on this road to recovery.

cheers

Is crying good or bad for you?

Jo3 — Thu, 21 Aug 2014 10:03:29 GMT

Hi WK

Not a day goes by where I DON'T cry. At the moment that's all I am doing, not good tonight, emotional, angry, frustrated and losing hope.

Is crying good or bad for you?

AGrace — Thu, 21 Aug 2014 11:37:36 GMT

Interesting Question WK!

I'm a bit too contemporary to see crying as a sign of weakness. To me it's like going to the bathroom - everyone has to do it.

I have to say antipsychotics seem to make it difficult to cry. But for me personally I'm all for a good cry and I no longer care about where I am or who I'm with.

Some trivia on tears:

88.8 per cent of people feel better after crying, with 8.4 per cent feeling worse.

On average women cry 47 times a year and men a mere seven.

Until puberty, crying levels are much the same for each gender – testosterone may reduce crying in boys while oestrogen and prolactin increases the tendency in girls.

Men may excrete more of the toxins related to emotional stress in their sweat because they have higher sweat levels than women.

The mantra to children 'Be brave, don't cry' might not be the most helpful because some believe crying can actually help reduce pain.

AGrace

Is crying good or bad for you?

white knight — Fri, 22 Aug 2014 00:01:09 GMT

I love that trivia on tears. "normal" is a fluid where nobody knows where it be, but we that live on extremes like to know where normal could reside so we can gauge ourselves. Men- 7 crying sessions a year is a good gauge for me. It puts things into perspective.

Yes, crying has to help. I get headaches post crying but that is likely a bi-product, masking the actual benefit.

Jo, I'm often gone tackling the 'black knight'...my demon. So if you dont hear from me I'm preoccupied. Crying is likely doing you good, much more beneficial for you than I. Like an emotional bandaid...

Is crying good or bad for you?

geoff — Fri, 22 Aug 2014 00:58:52 GMT

dear WK, another interesting post as always.

I am a person who will cry when I need to, I don't feel embarrassed nor do I feel ashamed, and both my sons cry, whereas my twin, no depression ever, no OCD and very rarely sheds a tear.

At my Dad's funeral I was hysterical whereas my other 3 brothers didn't cry, my sister did, but it's acceptable for a female to cry, and the same happened at Mum's funeral.

So the question is why do I cry and they don't, is it because of my depression, or is it a natural response, because I always cried when I was young, as Mum always said 'it's OK for boys to cry'.

I never saw Dad cry, but being a GP would have taken to him to so many dark places so he was used to seeing people die, so I can relate to what you have said WK being in the military and police force.

Both my puppies knew when I was crying and would come up to me and pay me all the attention they could to try and console me, maybe I'm a big sook, but I don't feel that way, but perhaps I'm not more emotional than any other person who doesn't cry. Geoff.

Is crying good or bad for you?

white knight — Fri, 22 Aug 2014 03:02:55 GMT

Hi Geoff,

Thanks for your response. I have observed other men as you have that dont cry, at least in front of us. I think 'criers' might well be more in touch with life, our finitality and even the beauty of life itself. Sounds like I'm trying to grab some accolades in almost an arrogant way but its not like that.

Perhaps I'm trying to say criers "feel" more are more sensitive to feelings. I could be wrong with this. I'm finding it hard to express.

My best friend could never relate to my being a crier. At his dads funeral a few years back, he cried. Later I mentioned this and told him...see, that feeling of grief is what I've felt every time I've cried. He then understood.But I was suffering depression ongoing. You touched on that Geoff. I think you are right. Is crying an accurate reflection of depression? Likely not as many have depression and dont cry.

However! I've swapped crying from a bad feeling to a good feeling. I've realised that to "feel" life, "feel" the beauty of a forest or animals and cry over it is good. Crying over difficulties like pain is different.

I wish I had more answers.

Is crying good or bad for you?

Jo3 — Fri, 22 Aug 2014 06:05:45 GMT

Hi WK

All I have done over the past 24 hrs is cry. Cried myself to sleep last night, woke up and started to cry.

Is crying good - I don't know. I feel better when I do cry but I feel weak when I cry,

Are you and Geoff saying that crying and depression go hand in hand? Or that if you an an emotional crier then your depression is worse? Maybe I have read your and Geoff's post wrong.

Not good with understanding things today

Is crying good or bad for you?

white knight — Fri, 22 Aug 2014 12:21:21 GMT

Hi Jo,

Geoff might have his own spin on crying.

But for me (and that''s important because it may not be for you) I can cry if I'm sitting on a rock on a hill looking at a valley. Listening to birds. Watching ducks and their ducklings. But in the last two years it has been only welling of the eyes, no tears falling.

This is a big difference to prior to that when I'd cry and tears falling for up to 2 hours at a time. My depressive cycle was after 2 months I'd have 10 days in depression. Whether that was the depression cycle or the dysthymia I'm not sure but that's how it was. Then the mood stabilisers and AD's came and now I am how I am.

Your crying could be more to do with not being able to cope or in a deep depression different than mine. It really is up to psychiatrists and you can ask yours to clarify. What is good Jo, is that you are asking and that is really good. It means you are seeking why. Why are you crying so much for so long? What are you crying about (if indeed you have a reason - you may not).

What I was meaning for me, was that I feel that when I stopped crying about two years ago I also started medications that worked, that fitted in with my correct diagnosis that led to the correct medication. Two crutial steps of progress- correct diagnosis and correct medication. So correct indeed I've hardly changed it- yes I am lucky there.

So does getting these two steps right then follow on to less crying. It did in my case BUT Jo....we are all different and what works for one might not work for another. Each of our experiences can be taken on board as an example of hope. For me to tell my story can give hope that others can see it is indeed possible to find peace and stability ...not as far as reaching normality, but the best result as possibly reachable.

And that is worth pursuing. Keep reading Jo. Take it all in. Your love in your heart will find a way. But accept it will take time. love Tony

Is crying good or bad for you?

geoff — Fri, 22 Aug 2014 15:31:10 GMT

dear WK as I have always referred you as, or would you like to be called Tony, and I definitely see where you are coming from.

Jo please I would never believe you to be weak, because girls are more sensitive and show their emotions differently to men.

I also don't believe that if you cry then your depression is worse, because the range of which this illness expands is enormous.

'Is crying an accurate reflection of depression', your right some people don't cry even when depressed, while some can cry if they don't have this illness, maybe it's just being sad.

But now I am going to complicate things here, why does my twin not cry when I do, we were in the Mum's womb together, and I can't answer that, because idenical twins would do exactly the same. Geoff.

Is crying good or bad for you?

Jo3 — Fri, 22 Aug 2014 22:00:42 GMT

Hi WK (Tony)

Thank you so much for your reply, I read it and then re-read it again. you have given me so much inspiration to keep fighting, keep going and not lose hope. I guess this is what i need when i am so down in that dark hole, unable to get back up - I need help, support and encouragement and inspiration that I can do it. And you have given me that - now I'm crying.

Even though the last week has been emotional, frustrating, in my deep depression while I was reading what you wrote it made me think that yes I can live a reasonably happy life. I will talk with my psych at next session about this and see what he says. I'll let you know. WK - I hope that you're right in that my love in my heart will help me find a way. Gee I wish I could meet you and give you a big hug!!

Geoff - Thanks for being here for me, it means a lot. I guess girls do cry more than guys. I know my husband didn't cry at his dad's funeral yet I was a mess. Maybe next time I cry I should look at "why am I crying?" and write it down.

Is crying good or bad for you?

white knight — Sat, 23 Aug 2014 06:06:47 GMT

Hi Jo and Geoff, yes you can refer to me as Tony. As an ex investigator I was always elusive with alias's so I didnt mind not letting my name known lol.

The more I think about this Geoff, re: you being a twin, the more I think we might inherit our crying gene. Or emotional genes that leads to crying.

Jo, if we assume you take two steps back when you cry and fall into that "hole" then it doesnt matter providing you take 3 steps forward. I'll never forget the America's Cup of 1982. We were 3 zero or 3 to 1 and the Americans needed one more win to retain the cup. John Bertran told all of his Australian crew "remember, no matter what, we had to win 4 times to win the cup, the fact that they have won 3 times is irrelevant, we can still win by winning 4 times".

So based on that theory, or fact Jo, it matters not that you fall backwards 2 steps, it is more of a concern if you fall back 10 steps and cannot move forward one step. But if you fall backwards 2 steps one day then go forward the next day 3 or 4 steps when you feel better, it is all good. ALLOW YOURSELF TO HAVE A BAD DAY, DONT FIGHT IT IN ORDER TO MAKE IT A GOOD DAY IF IT ISNT ONE. Try again the next day to make it better. In the meantime try to get more sound sleep etc.

You have the ability, its inside you, tucked away for now, waiting to be woken up. Such ability is automatically in the programming of others. Thankyou for the hug.

Is crying good or bad for you?

Jo3 — Sat, 23 Aug 2014 07:18:06 GMT

Hey Tony

I think that's my problem - I don't allow myself to have a "bad day" because of my black and white thinking - either a good day or a bad day. To me then I think if I have a good day then I must have a good day all the time. But I now know that's not the case.

I am trying every single day to have a better day even though at times I feel crap and it's a bad day. And if I look at that "bad day" and reflect back I am sure there are some positive things I have done in that day. Maybe that's what I need to do - write down the good things I do during the day; things that make me happy or smile even if it's a little thing.

Now you've got me thinking!!!

Is crying good or bad for you?

white knight — Sun, 24 Aug 2014 02:32:49 GMT

Well done Jo, thinking is good as long as we aren't preoccupied all the time analizing why. Going with the flow is better.

You wake up tomorrow morning. Immediately your head is in a dark place then you will from experience know that your day will be a day of 'survival'. Surviving work, people's cheery hello's, etc. This particular day you avoid paying bills, thinking about poor financial situations and avoid family conflict by letting others know early on that you know its not such a good day. If you come good during the day - great.

The next day or so you come good. You thank your family for "riding through that bad day". You carry out financial stuff and avoid worrying about those pressures - instead engage in active talk to your partner, the real estate agent etc to sort matters out. You enjoy a cuppa at a cafe for lunch on your own sitting in the sun and taking in all the natural wonders of life around you we take for granted like the suns heat, birds whistling and people passing saying hello. Maybe help an old person cross the road. Maybe get on here as you have lately (I've noticed) and help a stranger that on this particular day, is in a worse place than you are.

So, and I'm not expert. You ACCEPT the day that has been handed to you instead of fighting it. "go with the flow". Pull back on the bad days and expect little of yourself. Capitalise on the good days and enhance that opportunity to in a way compensate for the days you have lost. Enjoy the day. Pat yourself on the back, reward yourself...even with a coffee at a cafe. On these good days say at that cafe, you might be crying but they will be tears of progress and celebration. Celebration that you are alive and ok, you are a survivor.