topic Im wondering if I might have psychotic depression.. in Depression

Im wondering if I might have psychotic depression..

Guest_4721 — Sun, 29 Jun 2014 08:28:22 GMT

Sorry. I have severe depression and anhedonia, and anxiety. I'm currently undergoing ECT and an MAOI antidepressant for it (but the treatment's only been ongoing for less than a month, so improvements are negligible). I'm sorry. I really can't think.

I made a list of things I've felt/thought that might seem strange to another person, even with clinical depression, then I trimmed it down a bit to just the things I just really can't rationalize..

Sometimes, especially right after I mess up socially, I self-harm because I feel like an absolute worthless idiot who deserves to be hurt.

I think, and am extremely uncomfortable with the idea that everyone just thinks I'm perfectly normal, and that I'm just a terrible, lazy, incredibly dull person. I'm always apologizing to sort-of communicate that this isn't a part of my personality, and that I really do hate how I am and how I think.

I'm constantly internally (and sometimes when

I' m alone, externally) telling myself to shut up because I hate all my thoughts and can't stand listening to myself and how I think when I'm like this.

I have a tendency to get disproportionately angry and stressed, to the point of violence and/or self-harm, for no real reason.

I occasionally consider the possibility that my p-doc/s, and/or my family might be working towards making sure I never get better, like they might be spiking my food with something that causes

severe depression, or they might be trying to prevent any chance I might have at remission/potentiation by maybe giving me placebos, or the food spiking, or something else. There've been times where I've put things on the inside of my door before I sleep, so I'll know if it's been opened, or discarded my food without anyone knowing, and even searched parts of my house for suspicious substances

Im wondering if I might have psychotic depression..

Struggler — Sun, 29 Jun 2014 09:47:21 GMT

Hi jjjaaawwwiii

Welcome to Beyond Blue. I am sorry you have to endure such horrible symptoms.

I suspect these symptoms are related to the treatment you received. Please tell your medical team what you've told us. They need to give you immediate care. These symptoms are too serious to fight alone.

Please let us know your progress.

Struggler

Im wondering if I might have psychotic depression..

Guest_4721 — Sun, 29 Jun 2014 12:15:08 GMT

Thanks. I don't know. Sorry. Would you know if it's possible to have myself tested for it? I've read that people with psychotic depression are suppose to have elevated ACTH levels. Particularly at night.

I've known for a while that I have reverse-diurnality. I feel slightly, but noticably less anhedonic between just 5:30-6:30AM. I'm still not sure if it's only when I stay awake through the night, or it's it always happens at that time, but DURING the night, I'm bordering on a complete psychological meltdown. It feels like my is head screaming, and somebody's beating a drumset over it.

My current psychiatrist doesn't recognize psychotic depression as a depression subtype, so I can't add an atypical antipsychotic to my regimen, which I'd like to at least try, seeing as everyone says they help. I don't know. Sorry. I'm really just trying to find out if my interpretation of depression-congruent psychosis is right. The last time I got cornered into a conversation, I ended up feeling so stupid and pissed at myself I had to burn my arm to make the self-hatred/guilt-stress go away.

I also never could relate to anyone else with depression. I'm on depression forums, and in a depression support group even, and I'm the only one spends all my time just refreshing forum pages or staring at my empty emails, or who can't ever talk to anyone/can't think in my own head.

Im wondering if I might have psychotic depression..

Guest_4721 — Sun, 29 Jun 2014 12:44:03 GMT

Sorry. I tried posting, but I don't think it was approved. I tried mentioning some medications and independent studies, so I guess that makes sense, but I wasn't just ignoring you or anything. Sorry.

Im wondering if I might have psychotic depression..

Struggler — Sun, 29 Jun 2014 13:19:01 GMT

Hi jjjaaawwwiii

Don't worry about it. Most posts don't appear until one day later.

Struggler