topic Darkness of Depression in Depression

Darkness of Depression

angelite — Tue, 19 Aug 2014 05:14:59 GMT

My g.p has told me l have depression, why is that so difficult for me to accept. I feel too broken to be fixed, unable to help myself anymore or believe that l deserve to be helped. I spend my days in the car the only place l feel safe away from the world. Through the fog and emptiness l watch myself slide into the deepest depression, consumed by hopelessness. Trying to find the strength to get help.

Darkness of Depression

Asche — Tue, 19 Aug 2014 07:47:16 GMT

Dear Wittnall,

I've felt that way in the past as well. I know how it feels to have everything fall away around you, to watch everything you used to care about pass you by, to have the grains of sand slip through your fingers and not even finding the energy to care, while some past remnant of yourself cries out for you to do something, anything at all to stop that terrible descent.

I think ultimately, what helped me out of that bottomless pit was finding something I could continue to care about, even while I no longer cared about myself. I have no idea what that might mean for you, or even if it will work for you. But I think the important thing is finding a little bit of hope, because that will give you a sense of purpose, a reason to fight. It may even make you want to fight. Not necessarily hope for yourself, because at that stage, that hope can be altogether too fragile to be trusted, but a little faith in others. It'll give you a sense of purpose, and motivate you to keep moving, to fight the paralysis of depression. And the more you move, the more you do, the stupor lifts a little more.

I'm not quite at the end of the tunnel yet, but I can at least see the light now. Hopefully, you will in time too.

Kind Regards,

Asche

Darkness of Depression

BeeGee — Tue, 19 Aug 2014 08:09:48 GMT

Hi Wittnall,

That's a dark and scary place to be in. I'm glad you've been to your GP, but I wonder if he/she has given you a treatment plan and not just a diagnosis? There are good treatments that help most people; the most common (and generally best) approach uses antidepressants together with cognitive behaviour therapy with a psychologist. I don't know if your GP explained it, but Medicare funds 10 visits to a psychologist when your GP refers you with a mental health plan.

A lot of people have reservations about antidepressants, but they are nothing to be scared of. Essentially they correct an imbalance of brain chemicals that is making you depressed, helping you to feel more normal. This then puts you into a better frame of mind to be able to make use of the skills and techniques the psychologist can teach you. The two therapies work hand in hand. Please be sure to see your GP again soon, especially if you are really struggling.

It sounds like you are fairly new to your diagnosis and probably haven't had any treatments before. I won't lie to you, making progress will be slow; often it takes several tries to find the right meds for you and all the waiting can be really frustrating. But it's better than the alternative - if you do nothing, nothing will change. Finding the strength to take the first step of the journey can be the hardest, but just take one step at a time and don't try to look too far ahead. Acceot that along with progress there will be setbacks along the way - they can be learning opportunities for us to put into practice our new skills we are learning.

Don't hesitate to come back here whenever and as often as you like for support or just to vent. That's what we're here for.

Darkness of Depression

SLK — Tue, 19 Aug 2014 08:26:26 GMT

Hi Wittnall,

I'm sorry to hear you are feeling this way. I too understand what you are going through. I still feel like this some days but I have to have hope for my unborn child! It can be hard to find hope...but it help when you have people around you to support you. If you have someone close to you then be honest with them and ask them to support you through this dark time. It is very hard to get help when you're depressed but all you have to do is take the first step, which you have done. What has your GP recommended? You may benefit from medication, or you might be like me! But you may also benefit from therapy...your GP can help you with these things. I think it's extremely important to have a good GP at this time. And if you don't feel comfortable with a Dr/psychologist or whoever, you should change because it's important to build a good relationship with them.

I know that it is possible to get better...but it's so hard sometimes to see the light at the end of the tunnel. That's why we need to just focus on the next step...just making it through one day at a time and slowly improving.

I hope you are able to find the strength to accept this and focus on getting better, because you deserve to be happy just like everyone else. There is hope, hold on.

SLK

Darkness of Depression

angelite — Wed, 20 Aug 2014 00:31:46 GMT

Thank you for your support, surprised that anyone bothered. After 24 years with a violent abusive partner since l was 17 and being horribly violated by him. I was never allowed to work, controlled everything, isolated an not allowed to have friends. I am finally free but now face depression, flashbacks, anxiety so bad that l can't breathe, chest pains, shake, nausea, unable to eat or sleep. Can't be around people or make phone calls... I have lost everything including myself, and don't value my life anymore. I believe that I deserve to be punished, hurt because l am not good enough. I am scared and unable to function in a world that doesn't care, worthless, ashamed, humiliated, pathetic and weak. Too exhausted and shut down to keep trying, I've reached out but there isn't anyone who cares, or will hold hope for me while l am unable.

Darkness of Depression

SLK — Wed, 20 Aug 2014 05:33:23 GMT

Hi Wittnall

Although I have never been physically abused, I spent two years in a relationship (first ever relationship) with a narcissistic, controlling, heartless, emotional abuser. Although he never physically hurt me, he damaged me in a way that I am still recovering from. So, although this was only for two years, I understand how damaging it can be to be in any kind of abusive relationship. In saying that, I cannot imagine your pain after being with this person for such a long time. I can see now why you are struggling so much and cannot find the strength and hope that you need at this time.

I am sorry that you feel you have no one to support you at this time. I think it is good to talk about your problems on this website; I have only recently joined myself and find it really helpful to talk to other people who I know understand my pain.

All I can say is, after what you have been through, there is no surprise that you are experiencing severe depression and anxiety. Do no think that you deserve this or that you are not good enough, that is not true. Unfortunately there are bad people in this world and sometimes we fall victim to them. I'm not saying that we shouldn't take responsibility for our own decisions, but it doesn't make us bad people because we made the mistake of trusting someone who abused us.

I still think there is absolutely hope for you, but it is a slow process. It sounds like you are feeling a little fragile at the moment and this is why I think a good GP is so important. A good GP who understands mental health, will ensure that you are getting as much support as possible in the community. I think it is important for you to start some kind of treatment ASAP...I'm sure that medications will be offered to you. As someone already said, they work for a lot of people, but they can also be the cause of anxiety for some due to side effects and trouble taking them consistently. The hardest thing is being consistent with them long enough to give them a chance to work (usually around six weeks). It can feel like they aren't working and it's important to have a community psychologist or your GP following up with you to discuss how the meds are going and any side effects. If you decide not to take medication then please ask your GP about other treatment options. It's important that you do something soon, as you do not deserve to feel this way. You have suffered for a long time and it's now your time to find happiness xx

Darkness of Depression

angelite — Thu, 21 Aug 2014 10:26:27 GMT

Depression, Post Traumatic Stress, General Anxiety, Social Anxiety, Ocd. So confused and overwhelmed. What now.... The Dr wants to medicate me but it could take 6 weeks to work and he warns me that the suicidal thoughts could get worse! There just can't be worse than this. I also know that l can't take the medication, l have no logical reason, l desperately need to take it, but l can't. So frustrated and angry with myself. So scared and don't know what to do. Why will l not help myself....

Darkness of Depression

angelite — Fri, 22 Aug 2014 04:28:49 GMT

It can't be good when you're Dr tells you that you are wasting his time... Why does everyone give up on me...

Darkness of Depression

Asche — Sun, 24 Aug 2014 12:32:34 GMT

My god, I'm so, so sorry I didn't see this earlier. Wittnall, you are absolutely deserving of help and I have definitely not given up on you. I have hope in you. I might just be another faceless stranger on the internet and I may be 2 days and 6 hours late, but I do care. You might not feel it, but you are so much stronger than you think you are and the fact that you're still here despite everything that's happened, is proof of that. I can't speak to have experienced that sort of abuse personally, but I have a friend who has. I've stood at her side during those dark hours, so I know how excruciating it can be. You might hate it for all the pain it causes you but you are still alive, and that is because you are strong. Not in the type of way that wins you arm-wrestling competitions, but you have the strength that matters, the strength to do what needs to be done, to survive no matter the adversity. And I'm willing to bank everything I have that you are strong enough to get past all of this, because you are far from worthless, and anything but pathetic. If you won't hope in yourself, then have faith in me, as someone who holds hope in you.

So don't beat yourself up. There's no shame in being scared about change, even if that change is for the better. Going on medication can be scary. It can be terrifying. It means letting go of a little control, and as someone who was and is a bit of a control freak, who's been terrified of change in the past, I can understand perfectly as to how that can be paralysing to do that, even if it's in the name of helping yourself. There is no shame in it. You need to take things at a pace you can handle, and your doctor needs to understand that. He's frustrated because he wants you to get better and he can only give you the medication to do that; if you refuse to take it, he's out of options. It's still way, way, way out of line to tell you that you're wasting his time, but I doubt he truly meant that, and in any case he's wrong.

Have you considered going to a psychologist? If drugs are a little too much right now, some talk-based therapy might be a good alternative to consider.

I'm sorry I didn't get back to earlier. Things can get better wittnall, and not just in general- you can get better.

Darkness of Depression

angelite — Mon, 25 Aug 2014 05:08:56 GMT

Thank you..... I don't have the strength today....

Karen

Darkness of Depression

Asche — Wed, 27 Aug 2014 07:14:59 GMT

Karen, it's perfectly fine to feel that way. No war was ever won in a day. You may not have the strength today, or tomorrow, or even a month from now. And that's fine. Depression is a hell of a beast to conquer because it traps you in your most fragile and vulnerable state, where everything is terrifying and walking is borderline -if not entirely- impossible. You're constantly tired and without energy, sometimes so much so that you can't even bring yourself to cry. And it cuts you off from the people who could help you most, interring you behind an invisible wall and clogging your throat with the ashes of former hopes.

But that wall can be broken down. Not in a day, not in a week, sometimes not even in a year. It took me almost a decade before I could talk about my experiences online, let alone someone in real life. In fact, that's something I still struggle with. I can talk to my therapist perfectly fine; less so with the general populace. It's something you have to work at, because when the habit of silence has been engraved upon your soul by the shame you feel, getting that first word out is already a huge victory in and of itself. After that first spearhead has been established, after that habit has been broken, the wall can start to crumble.

You might not be able to walk right now, but you can crawl. You're learning to find your voice again after years of silence. If you can crawl, if you can speak, even if it's only online, even if it's only in writing, then you can move forward, if only an inch or a millimeter at a time. And that's exactly what you have to do, because not moving means staying in the pit of depression. It means drowning in cold, desolate shadow that no warmth or light can penetrate. To move is to live, because moving means warmth, it means getting control of yourself back, if only a toe at a time. And if you move far enough, you might one day find yourself being able to see the light again.

You've made great start by joining beyondblue. I'm not going to pressure you to make that next step, but one of the things I found helpful in making that next leap a little less scary was writing an autobiography of sorts. Something that encapsulated the majority (but not all) of what happened to me, and of what I did in return. That way when I did eventually find myself forced into therapy by circumstances, I just handed that over because I was still too scared to speak in person.

Darkness of Depression

angelite — Thu, 28 Aug 2014 03:46:12 GMT

Thank you for your kind words l wish l could express myself....having trouble just getting this down. All the answers are in the thread despair please care. In the trauma section. Please know that what you write means a great deal to me.... Sorry l can't find the words so shut down

Karen

Darkness of Depression

Asche — Fri, 29 Aug 2014 09:35:12 GMT

Dear Karen,

Sure, I'll go take a look. It might take a little while though, since things are getting pretty hectic over the next few days.

Asche

Darkness of Depression

guest132 — Tue, 02 Sep 2014 01:29:03 GMT

Depression is definitely something that is rapidly getting worse in society. It can be hard for people to admit it, I know I am having some trouble seeing past it, but with everything going on in society and around me, things are getting tough, and I am finding that it is affecting me quite a lot, and with how I feel about some things, it is making it harder again, because I do want to try and hide it from people, but in all cases, you can't hide anything/everything forever. People who have never gone through depression find it hard to understand why it happens, and how it could affect one so much. I am struggling with multiple things at the stage in my young life, and I am trying to get enough support to find a way to feel better, and I just want to help others get better at the same time. So if you need to talk about anything, you can just let me know and I am willing to listen to what you have to say. 🙂

Jono.

Darkness of Depression

laura86 — Tue, 02 Sep 2014 04:05:10 GMT

Dearest Karen,

I'm wondering how you are doing today?

I really relate to how you feel. I too often just sit in my car away from the world, feeling like it will never get better. Please know that we won't give up on you. It is such a horrible feeling when it feels as though everyone has gone and put you in the "too hard basket." The people who post on here would never do that. We are all fighting together.

It is such a brave step to start posting on here. So whatever brought you to these forums I'm glad you're here. You don't need to feel so desperately alone because we will help you. I know that's not going to solve all your problems but it's better than sitting under that dark cloud by yourself.

Please let us know how you are- I really hope you're ok.

Laura

Darkness of Depression

angelite — Wed, 03 Sep 2014 09:32:34 GMT

Hi Laura.

Having a lot of trouble getting words out my head is really foggy. It's nice to know that someone is thinking of me. I'm just so overwhelmed l know there are options being given to me but I'm just unable to reach out and help myself. A lot of what is being suggested requires being able to make a phone call, which is something l am unable to do. Everything just seems so difficult. Spending way too much time in the car just want to feel safe. Don't think it will ever be OK.

Karen

Darkness of Depression

laura86 — Thu, 04 Sep 2014 03:23:20 GMT

Hi Karen,

I know what you mean- depression seems like this endless fog and it is hard to imagine yourself ever feeling better. And we have all felt that or are even feeling like that right now. It's terrible having to wake up every day feeling that way- trust me I know!

If you can't make a phone call there is live online help available through BB and other sites. I'm not sure what area you live in but there are community groups that get together to talk and support each other through depression and mental illness- you don't need to say anything, sometimes it's just nice to know you're not alone. And of course keep posting here. Get whatever words you can out and we'll help you however we can!

We are all thinking of you- you're not alone in this.

Keep safe, know that I'm here whenever you need me.

Much love always,

Laura

Darkness of Depression

angelite — Thu, 04 Sep 2014 09:17:52 GMT

Hi Laura

Its been an exhausting day made it to my psychologist appointment, and managed a walk afterwards. Then spent the rest of the day in the car to recover. I'm from a country town and trying to hide what is happening to me so ashamed, l don't want people to talk about me they just don't understand, it not something l can just snap out of. I would prefer to be alone , I'm so afraid of people judging me.

Darkness of Depression

laura86 — Fri, 05 Sep 2014 01:41:48 GMT

Hi Karen,

I'm sorry your day was exhausting but it sounds like you accomplished some great things. How did your psychologist appointment go? I'm glad you were able to get out and go for a walk! Even if you spent the rest of the day in the car, it's a positive start.

Please don't feel ashamed of your depression because it is an illness and it's not your fault. I know we all find it baffling that mental illness has this stigma attached that makes us feel so much shame. If we said we had something like cancer people would take us seriously and take care of us. Yet we have a legitimate illness with so many symptoms, that makes us so sick, that leads to so many people to taking their lives and we're made to feel like we're being dramatic, over reactors, too much to deal with. It's amazing! Even those people who say they would be there to help us no matter what seem to vanish when we need them the most.

I guess that's why so many of us are here on these forums. To get help from each other without judgement. I find the people on BB to be so generous with their advice and concern, it does restore some hope back. I hope you know we are all here for you too.

I hope today is a wonderful day. Speak soon.

Laura

Darkness of Depression

angelite — Fri, 05 Sep 2014 02:52:14 GMT

Hi Laura.

Psychologist appointment want OK she has put safety measures in place, l am finding them difficult, feel like I'm being treated like a child. I also really struggling with flashbacks, and anxiety l have a note book that l take with me with grounding techniques, positive affimations, to try and help me stay in the present. Not helping today though.... The psychologist spoke to me about hospital but l told her I was fine and managing the thoughts. Upset that l couldn't be honest with her. Spending 24 years pretending that everything was OK, I'm still doing it.

Karen